April
“So,” the smoky figure rasped, “we have a deal?”
The girl shuddered in her tight Levi jeans as she waited for the cross light to turn green or for the cars to stop coming. The bright morning sun’s warmth was lost in the shallow city, waiting for something to happen. There were things happening, things nobody should ever have to come to terms with. It was Whore City, and this girl, whose name was later discovered as April, belonged to it.
She ran across the street, her steady but worn black boots sloshed in the snow.
What am I doing? She thought about as she dodged the many pedestrians of the street, who paid no mind to her, because she was just another one of them. Just another dolled up fifteen year old, forced to claim she’s eighteen, evade the law, and sell her body. Just another one of Whore City’s…
“I’m not sure… tell me again, how much will I be making? My sister, she’s sick,” April questioned, continuously clicking the pen in and out until the man snatched it away from her. He grinned, his teeth coated in what looked like gold or silver. The room was murky, casting eerie shadow creatures over his face. Fingering one of his diamond rings he turned to her and said, “You’d be making more than any honest worker in this town. Just sign, you get paid, and you’re free to leave anytime…”
April never left, she couldn’t. She was stuck in a rut, being lied to and kicked around like no human deserved. Her feelings left her, and eventually her sister found out about her so called, “honest living,” and ran away from April.
April’s brown and blond hair wisped in the cold wind and her. She pulled a pocked mirror from her purse and examined her make up, which smeared when she wiped her eyes.
Her dull, dead eyes.
She stopped, her corner was empty. All she had to do now was wait for the loyal patrons of the city to come looking for her, the lucky ones anyway. It was just another night of work for her, something she hadn't escaped and never would. Cops arrested her several times, but that smokey man always found her and always bailed her out. Needless to say she had no idea what his face looked like, all she knew was he owned her and the money.
The city owned her as well. All she had was her make up and pocked mirror.
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,588 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this is a pretty straightforward story here. Just a bit of description of this girl's life rather than something with an actual plot but that's not a problem. The piece has a nice flow to it and I'm seeing maybe some sort of flashback and the present mixing in this one which is done fairly well. It's not too confusing.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Starting with a random ambiguous line is something that I'm personally not a fan of because it just is very hard to see what kind of story it is through that but as far as catchy lines go this one is pretty catchy so that's a good thing.
Now see this would be ten times better as an actual opening paragraph. This tells you so much about the setting, the main character and it just is in my opinion a better way to go about this.
Well that sounds like a truly horrible fate right there.
Well I won't touch that contract with a ten foot broomstick.
Well that's definitely a very sad description right there. Also a pretty clever use of the look in a mirror and describe cliche.
Well that's certainly a sad message and sadly this is much more accurate to real life than it should be.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this is pretty well done. Definitely a very realistic portrayal of someone in the position that you've described here and you bring out some pretty decent emotions. That last paragraph especially was quite powerful with the way you describe that she owns nothing. Great Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
There might be a chance once I get the long enough attention span!
Hmm... Yeah, I'll try and get back to that as soon as I can but I have a robot baby currently and my time is limited for story writing... I think I wrote this earlier this week I can't remember *YAWNS*
This sentence sounds weird. "She ran across the street" Is a sentence on its own, and so is "Her steady but worn black boots sloshed in the snow." so why should there be a comma? If you want to keep it as one sentence (which would work best) replace the comma with 'as' and I think it will work.
Rewrite it like this: "She thought. She dodged the many pedestrians of the street, who paid no mind to her, because she was just another one of them."
I'm not big on -ly words, so to get rid of it (and make it read better) I would say "Continuing to click the pen in and out until the man snatched it away from her."
this sentence seemed to end before it wanted to. Remove 'and her' unless you were going to continue, and forgot to
I liked it a lot, though I think it could have flowed better and told a bigger story. Maybe we could her more about her sisters illness, and why April was driven to this to save her? And we could be told how her sister found out, and when she ran away. I liked it a lot, so I want to be shown more! Is there any chance of that? Nice job, I also think if you plumped it up with some nice words and creepy descriptions, you could give it a good voice that would make the story better than it already is.