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Young Writers Society



The Shelter Girl (Introduction)

by Elizabeth


Dear Reader(s),

All of this is true. All of this is taken from my memory. If you haven't heard about the Red Lake shooting of 2005... Then look it up, because this is about the girl who survived... this is about the friend that I had... and how lucky she is that she's out of this whole "child-protection" shit. Fucken --Ay... Well, get to reading. I'm on my foster moms computer... so... I won't type much. Basically it's about me, it's my thoughts, it's about the people I've met, the people I've lost, and the person I am... now. My Entire Situation. Pretty dramatic huh?

Rated R, because it's based off... actual events that are still going on right now.

---Elizabeth Mei Mathers

---------------------------

Introduction

Ahh shit, I thought.

I had never been called down to the office before in my life. I knew why they had called me. Lucas looked at me weird and for a split-second I was afraid this would be the last time I saw him. That little nerd with the beaky nose and the thin-rimmed glasses. I hated him so much, but at the same time the thought of never seeing him killed me. I mean, he and I were the only kids in our French class; without me there'd only be him. And when it came to acidemics, he was up there right next to friggin' Einstine. I hated him so much but, as I said, I'd be sad without him.

There was some strange blond chick standing at the doors, who I had never seen. She was a pretty lady, pretty tall, pretty thin, pretty hair and eyes, pretty dress. All in all, a pretty lady. Without any word, just a slight nod, she led me down to the main office. Ahh shit, I thought again. Nobody would go to the main office unless their parents were there or they were in deep trouble. I tried ot figure out what was going on as I listened to the clicking of those black heels that this lady wore.

She led me to an office that was probably hers. She gestured to a chair, telling me to have a seat, and I sat. I felt like an idiot, staring at the walls as she stared at me. There were diplomas and pictures of her and her children hanging next to a Hmong quilt and French poster. She crossed her legs and I crossed mine. When in Rome...

"You are Elizabeth?" she asked in a calm, business-like voice. I nodded. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to talk to this stranger who stared so oddly at me. I couldn't read her face, I didn't know what she was going to say but she knew what she was going to say. I didn't want to think she'd say what I thought she'd say.

"Hi, I'm Janice Breen, Harding's Social Worker. I got a call from a concerned parent, who said you came to their house this morning," she turned to her computer, clicked, and turned back towards me, "The parent was worried about you. She said that something had happened last night and I need to know what happened."

I sat there thinking, holding my French book in my hand, wondering about what I was going to say. Should I mention the mental anguish I've been suffering, or the last minute break-down at Roy's house? How much did Roy's mom tell this lady? Although she didn't mention it was Roy's mom, I knew it was. No other adult knew about this.

I stared at her blandly and I said, "Well, what did she tell you?"

"Well," Janice began, "She mentioned that you were crying because you had some issues at home." Aww Jesus Fucking Christ, I thought. Fess up? Lie? Shrug it off and not answer? What the fuck am I supposed to do?

"Yes, there are issues," I sighed. I felt my eyebrows droop and before I knew it I was glarign all around the room, reading whatever I could, hoping to distract myself but I knew it was a stupid thought. I felt myself just sag over and suddenly I wanted to die. For the first time since I was 13 I wanted to just fall over and die. It was very selfish because I thought about it without giving into consideration my boyfriend, my friends, my mom, or even my teachers.

"What types of issues?"

"What issues did she mention?"

This woman who seemed to know everything, yet nothing, about me stared blankly at me. She looked around too, just as I had, only nervously. I knew what she was going to say. She knew what she was going to say; so why didn't she just say it? Ah ha, I thought, so it is true then, we are all humans. Even adults feel nervous sometimes you idiot.

"Well, she mentioned that your father had been --"

"Touching me?" I slowly turned my eyes towards the ground. Ashamed. Depressed. Angry.

"Yes," Janice nodded her head.


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24 Reviews


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Tue Aug 14, 2007 4:03 pm
spokenfor09 wrote a review...



Well lets see you have no idea who I am but I'm gonna put this out there anyway. I can almost relate to you about what happend in your life (mostly cuse my girlfriend had child serveses issues) So I get realy urked when I hear about stuff like this. I thought the story had a realy good start. Just for my part I dont think its necacary to curse it just makes it more reader friendly. Cuse what your trying to do is get your story out there and if someone reads it and is all agast by the cursing then you missed someone to tell. It being non-fiction I dont realy know how to efectivly crit it so im not gonna do all that much.




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Tue Aug 14, 2007 2:52 pm
Fand wrote a review...



Awww, Liz! *huggles*

I won't comment on the content now; wait until I can catch up with you on MSN instead, da? But as to the prose itself--you've got a very well-developed personal voice, very individual and definite. There are some errors in spelling and grammar--"acidemic," "Einstine"--but those can be easily fixed. Having the voice of a writer (not to mention the strength to tell the truth)? That's something that can't be learned or corrected.




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Thu Jul 19, 2007 5:27 am
Elizabeth says...



Well it shouldn't end right there... I'm going to continue it... as soon as I remember what happened... This was like... 12 weeks ago (tomorrow) ... so... yeah...

Never Regret. Never Forget.




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Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:58 am
LindseyXLoo wrote a review...



Although it looks like all the real critiquing has already been so nicely done, I would like to add that I am also impressed your fifteen.
I, being fourteen, havent half the talent you seem to pocess.
Im looking forward to reading more of this story.
It doesnt end here right?




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Mon Jul 16, 2007 3:48 am
Elizabeth says...



Indeed, I have this bad habit of putting commas where, they aren't welcome. ,,, So... glad you liked it so far... maybe I'll continue.

Changed name to Janice... but I'm keeping mine...

There's a reason it's nonfiction.
*huggles you* Nobody's read my stuff since god knows when... so... heh... well I'll think about something for the 1st chapter before my brain dies and I forget events of my life... Thanks for reading.




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Mon Jul 16, 2007 3:03 am
DarkerSarah wrote a review...



Hi, Elizabeth! I don't think I've ever critiqued anything of yours before...I haven't been on in a while, so this was fun for me!

I know this is non-fiction, but sometimes I think it's a good idea to change names. When writing fiction, as a general rule you don't have two main characters with similar sounding names unless it is part of the plot. So, I think you should change the social worker's (?) name from Beth to something else.

In the very first paragraph you say:

"I knew why. I knew why they had called me."

It would be more effective if you simply said: "I knew why they had called me." Repetition is a great literary device, but in the case it just doesn't work as well as you might have intended.

"She was a pretty lady, pretty tall, pretty thin, pretty hair and eyes, pretty dress. All in all, a pretty lady."

This, on the other hand, is a great use of repetition!

"I tried ot figure out what was going on, as I listened to the clicking of those black heels that this lady wore."

There doesn't need to be a comma after "on." It should read: "I tried to figure out what was going on as I listened to the clicking of those black heels this lady wore." (I would takke out "that," also.) Actually, you could condense and invert the sentence to read: "As I listened to the clicking of the lady's black heels, I tried to figure out what was going on." The comma is appropriate here because there is no "as" to connect to the two parts of the sentence.

"She led me to an office, probably hers. She gestured to a chair, telling me to have a seat, and I sat. I felt like an idiot, staring at the walls as she stared at me. There were diplomas and pictures of her and her children hanging next to a Hmong quilt and French poster. She crossed her legs and I crossed mine. When in Rome... "

I really like this paragraph. You get your point across, create a setting and imply emotions without being too wordy. Well done.

"What type of issues?"

Grammatically it should be: "What types of issues?" Since you have plural issues, you should have plural types. It's acceptable to have incorrect grammar in dialogue, but only if it's a representation of the character. Since she is a psychologist or social worker and has diplomas hanging on her wall, she probably uses proper grammar.

As a whole, you did a decent job of portraying the situation. The entire ending needs to be re-written, at least edited, because it's such a dramatic and powerful situation, but you cut it very short. The ending is abrupt and not in an effective way. If it's something you've struggled with in the past talking about, then I'm very proud of you for coming out and writing about it. Memoirs and nonfiction essays on subjects like this have the ability to help a lot of people...but it also takes writing it in an effective way, so I hope I've helped.

I'm impressed you're only fifteen! Keep writing...that's my main advice. Your style and voice will develop with the story...

-Sarah





a little humanity makes all the difference
— Rosendorn