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Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

Seventh Crown XII

by Elijah, AutoPilot


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Do not read if you had not read the previous parts.

Seventh Crown XII

~

Cage and Rebecca exchanged alarmed looks, this did not sound good. Neitherone of them knew what to do, but Cage had an idea.

"If we stay here," he started, "we will do our best to dispose of your phantom. But you have to grant me and my few men the permission to move around your village at night."

The leader nodded his consent, but he still looked worried."Have you any idea what it might be?"

Cage did, but he knew his answer would cause a large amount of alarm, so he shook his head. The leader assigned Rebecca, Cage, and the five guards a house to stay in. Cage wanted to talk to his group before night fell.

As they sat eating their supper, he decided to share his worries. "This 'Phantom' and its habits sound familiar." He began, the rest of the group was very attentive, "A similar thing was found a while back over in the town of Careboned. If I remember correctly, it was called a Vampyega."

One of the guards frowned, "A vampire?" he asked, confused.

Cage shook his head, "No, a Vampyega. It is a bit like a vampire, but not quite. It takes children to its den or cave, it keeps them alive and eats them bit by bit. It kills cattle by injecting them with a poison, it then strips the bones and hide all of the meat, leaving them intact. It looks somewhat like a human, but it is more of a spirit. It does not touch the ground. These monsters are born as Mages, but when they eat large quantities of raw meat it turns them into a feral beast of sorts, called a Vampyega."

Rebecca and the guards looked dubious. The youngest of the guards looked terrified, "Are you sure, Cage?" He asked, voice quivering, "I heard of those before, and I heard they can't be killed."

Cage looked at him, "I am not sure actually. But I do know that they can be killed. Tonight we are going to search the town while everyone is sleeping, these monsters usually take up residence in caves or abandoned buildings near a town or village. So, Cody and Sam," he said, referring to the two oldest of the guards, "I want you to go talk to the village's leader and his wife. Ask if there are any caves or abandoned buildings anywhere around here. Jon and Skye, I want you to go make up some torches with rags dipped in sulfur. Aaren, I need you to go get some dark cloaks to disguise ourselves with. When you are all done, meet back here and I will tell you the plan."

The guards dispersed, leaving Rebecca and Cage alone once again.

~

"So," Cage started. "I want to be honest with you, My Queen. I cannot bear the moments we spend together alone without no one else around us." He knew that this was going to hurt her but there was no other way. Finally he felt that he could be fully honest with her and say what he really thinks.

As he thought, it really hurted her feelings. But this was only for one moment or two before she started to realize what he really meant. She felt the same. Rebecca felt so uncomfortable when she is alone with him with no other around. But she wanted to change that. She wanted to talk freely and happily with him again. Like in their past days when they were kids. She did not want to lose him. At least as a friend.

"I think I understand what you mean, Cage. We are alone so if you want, we can talk about it a bit. I do not want to make you feel awful when you are around me. You are someone special for me. I have known you from ages but I still know nothing for you..."This sentence made her feel terrible. It was the truth. Even after so many years, she knew none about him. All she knew what that she wanted to see the smile on his face again like before years when they met.

Even if he wanted to tell her so many things that moment, he only looked down to the ground. The guards did not come to break this horrible silence. She could not bear it anymore, standing up and walking to him. She stood in front of him like a beautiful statue, not knowing what to say to not ruin everything. Cage saw her efferts and stood up, pushing her against himself, putting her head against his chest. "If you have something to tell me, " he mumbled near her sensetive ear, "..please, say it now." This made her shudder.

It was really unexpected but she liked it, snaking her arms around his neck. "Please, this time, do not stop." were the only words that came out of her redish pink lips. This sudden answer made him totally sure what is going to happen next. She did not wait a lot before blushing softly and looking down. A moment later, she was already taking his clothes off.

-to be continued-


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 7:02 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



I'm back! :)

So, I again like that the story is moving forward at a good pace, but there were two things I had comments about.

First, Cage describes his knowledge of the Vampeyga as if he read it in a book about monsters and memorized their facts. The sentences he speaks are those general kinds you might read in a book about animals, like "polar bears generally live in the arctic region", etc. Again, I'm not sure if this fits with his character because I haven't been with him from the beginning, and it might because I remember he was worried about taking a book with him on the journey, BUT I feel like an assassin might also have some information about these types of monsters from experience rather than reading, or even just from hearing stories from other assassins. Information from experience or indirect experience seems more impressive than reading facts from a book, because the monster is real, not just a story, right?

The second part I wanted to comment about was the moment between Cage and Rebecca. I appreciated getting to know that they had known each other when they were kids. That makes me think that they may have "liked" each other when they were younger, but been separated. If that's the case, I can totally buy the fact that they are interested in seeing what happens in the relationship now that they are older and able to explore one another in a different way. I just wonder -- they are in a house they are supposed to share with the guards and know the guards are coming back, so would they really get started on that sort of activity in that place?!

Thanks again for sharing,

Hannah




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Fri May 13, 2016 5:14 pm
DivergentDemigod wrote a review...



heya!(i'm done with introducing myself so i'll start with the review already)

okay not much to criticize, only one thing i would like u to change/edit..

"It was really unexpected but she liked it, snaking her arms around his neck. "Please, this time, do not stop."werethe only words that came out of her redish pink lips"


why do i feel i've read this some where XD, PUT SPACE BETWEEN WERE AND THE THOUGH!

yeah thats about it....

~Rashi




Elijah says...


read this... because you had read it, silly XD



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Sun May 01, 2016 5:13 am
Lightsong wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!

Here's me to leave a quick review. c:

Cage and Rebecca exchanged alarmed looks, this did not sound good. Neither Cage or Rebecca knew what to do, but Cage had an idea.


The repetition of 'Cage and Rebecca' won't do. The second one can be changed to 'Neither one of them'.

The leader nodded his consent, but he still looked worried, "Have you any idea what it might be?"


Watch out your use of punctuation. In this case, the second comma should be a period.

Cage did, but he knew his answer would cause a large amount of alarm, so he shook his head no.


Repetition in idea. 'shook his head' already means no, so you don't have to explain it's indicating 'no'.

"This "Phantom" and its habits sound familiar." He began, the rest of the group was very attentive, "A similar thing was found a while back over in the town of Careboned. If I remember correctly, it was called a Vampyega."


When you're using a quotation mark in the dialogue, it should be one ' only. Same thing for the second dialogue tag - the comma should be replaced by a period. I see you have the tendency to use comma frequently. In some places, they should be placed with periods. Dialogue Punctuation can help guide you through this issue about dialogue.

"So," Cage started. "I want to be honest with you, My Queen. I cannot bear the moments we spend together alone without no one else around us." He knew that this was going to hurt her but there was no other way. Finally he felt that he could be fully honest with her and say what he really thinks.

As he thought, it really hurted her feelings. But this was only for one moment or two before she started to realize what he really meant. She felt the same. Rebecca felt so uncomfortable when she is alone with him with no other around. But she wanted to change that. She wanted to talk freely and happily with him again. Like in their past days when they were kids. She did not want to lose him. At least as a friend.


So... the chapter is largely written in Cage's PoV, so the switch of PoV here catches me by surprise. All of a sudden we're in Rebecca's PoV. I suggest you to stick with Cage's, and mention these things about Rebecca in her body language. From there, he can interpret what's she feeling, whether she shows that she's hurt or not.

And WOAH, what's that? An intimate moment between Rebecca and Cage? o: Things really escalate quickly, and this one also catches me off-guard because I just come here and don't expect this would happen. I'm not feeling Rebecca's chemistry with Cage yet, but that's probably because I haven't read the rest of the chapters. I think the scene can be explored in the sense where Rebecca should struggle with her feelings, and have thoughts about the consequences of taking their relationship in a higher level. I dunno, I just think there should be some thought process before it leads to this.

All in all, a solid chapter! Keep up the good job! :D




Elijah says...


This is the part my editor wrote but I will edit it the best I can. Please read the previous parts so oyu can get it. Thanks.



Elijah says...


*you



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Sun May 01, 2016 1:40 am
BaileyTheHoosier wrote a review...



Truthfully, the piece isn't really my type of story. But it was an enjoyable read, and probably even more so if you are someone who actually likes reading stuff like this. The word choice was good, and the dialogue was interesting. The only thing I'm gonna point out is a few grammatical errors that you had throughout.

First,

"This "Phantom" and its habits sound familiar." He began, the rest of the group was very attentive

When you quote Phantom like this inside of a quotation, you shouldn't use quotation marks again. It should be like this,

"This 'Phantom' and its habits sound familiar." He began, the rest of the group was very attentive

Next,

it then strip the bones and hide all of the meat

It should read,

it then strips the bones and hides all of the meat


"I have known you from ages but I still know nothing for you..."

from in this sentence should actually be for.

he mumbled near her sensetive ear,

He should be capitalized, and sensitive is misspelled.


It was a great piece of work other than the few grammatical errors!





But what about second breakfast?
— Peregrin Took