// fast reminder: Italic for the past events; Normal font for the present events //
Do not read if you had not read the previous part.
Sevent Crown II
~
As every other silent night for the past almost two weeks, he was not there. She waited for him each week when she went to the trees, and yet, didn't see him again. Was he purposely hiding? She couldn't tell. If he was hiding, there was no chance she would ever find him. She did not know his name. She only remembered his sharp, reddish eyes. She didn't know where she could find him, or even what part of the city he lived in. There was no telling if he was visiting or if he was an orphaned child, running through the streets, begging for food. He didn't seem the type to beg for food, but Rebecca had learned long ago not to judge people only by how they seem to be or how they look.
~
There had been one day, just a couple years before she had seen that boy, that her father had forced her to leave the palace for the day and spend some time making friends in the city. He told her that she would want to know all of the land for when she became the queen. She didn't want to draw any attention to herself so she had dressed in a simple dress; braided her long, dark hair and bound it with a cloth and then set out into the city.
As she had walked by the stands of aromatic foods, expensive perfumes, and shelves of beautiful clothing, she had noticed how suspiciously the children were watched. It was like the shopkeepers were always expecting someone to steal something. They had all the right to be suspicious, of course, but she felt like her eyes had been opened. Since they didn't know she was the princess, they treated her like any other child on the street would be treated. Even though she felt a little insulted, because she was used to being treated specially, it felt good to be shooed away for once. To be watched as she walked through the streets. She knew for the first time what it was like to feel like a normal kid. The stares the adults gave here were not the nicest they could offer to a small child. The poor kids were not really loved by the elders. They were treated like worthless slaves, and acted as a slave does, almost like kneeling on their knees with their heads down as they wait for their master to give the next order. The feeling was not pleasant at all and she felt the need to escape it.
She snapped her thoughts back to the present, shaking her head as she remembered what she had been doing. She was the one giving the orders. She was a queen and she could do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, without feeling the need to ask anyone else for permission.
Before she could even make one step forward, someone bumped into her without thinking who she was. She was already losing her patience so she decided to just leave that place and find her father so they could go back to the palace.
"Did you enjoy your time in the city, dear? You look really tired." Her father looked down at his daughter and tried to give his girl a soft pat on the head and calm her down but it did not help.
"I think not of going outside the palace anymore. I do not like it at all." She looked down to the ground and sighed. The outside world was so different than what it looked like in her imagination. Ugly and miserable place, in which the weak are hated and the riches are loved. In her innocent eyes, this looked really sad.
She had imagined that the city would be a place where everyone was treated equal, but what she had seen was far from that. The children were abandoned and stolen from people endlessly, the adults were always suspicious, and no one could safely walk through the streets. That had made her realize what the real world was like, and why her father was so cruel towards the criminals, but still so nice towards the children. That day and what had happened then, made her change the way she looks at the outside world.
"Queen, the general is here and ready to meet with you; he is waiting in the throne hall."
At the sound of her maid's voice, she realized she was not the only person in the big room. She stopped daydreaming and stood up, giving her maid a slight nod that she is coming. The maid smiled hesitantly and left the room, knowing that something was wrong with the Queen at the moment.
The Queen was lost in her thoughts again. It was really bothering her job as a ruler these days because she was always thinking about something else. Since the way the poor kid she had knew that was stealing apples, came back as a strong man with sharp eyes and tall posture. It was making her remember the days they had spent together when she was young and free. Even the one who was the ultimate ruler, had something she could not have for herself. Whatever she does, she can not have him.
-to be continued-
End of chapter
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
You know the story of Siddharta Gautama? Honestly, I think that's a great story, despite usually being heard like a word of mouth anecdote. It doesn't tell the reader how Siddharta Gautama is feeling until the very end, when the reader has been on this strange journey through suffering with Siddharta and they feel the way Siddharta feels. So of course, the resolution feels deserved because, while Siddharta was rich and privileged, you feel for his internal conflicts, the philosophical discussion in his mind.
This story is--50% there. Maybe 76%, if I'm feeling generous. I think I know how you want to depict the Queen, and in a way you do manage to do the showing part well, but it still felt like you were explaining to the reader how to feel about the present situation. I mean, past situation. Whatever.
I felt like coming back to present day wasn't really necessary at this point. I mean, nothing significant happens while the flashbacks occur, the Queen is just thinking and when she's interrupted in the middle it doesn't do anything for the reader, it just makes the reader feel distanced from the story you're telling. I honestly suggest you finish the entire flashback sequence first, as if the flashback is the story, and then have the Queen be interrupted by something important.
Oka, okay. So I somehow put all my substantial comments at the top of the review instead of the bottom, like I normally do. So now I'm only left with the highlights to go through. Let's take a look:
-"She only remembered his sharp, redish blood-shot eyes." Reddish, not redish/
-"He didnt seem the type to beg for food, but Rebecca had learned long ago not to judge people only by how they seem to be." First off--didn't, not didnt. Second off--"not to judge people only by how they seem to be" is really weird sentence structuring. I felt like it would've spared everyone the trouble if you just said "not to judge people by their appearances" or something of the like. But Ellstar, you cry, It's the standard fantasy language! We must have our strange sentences and outdated words! Well--
-"The poor kids were not really loved by the elders." Okay, I've seen this a couple of times, and I'm getting a bit peeved by it. I just can't imagine a serious fantasy setting where the characters use 'really' as much as this text does. I've counted four in this part alone, and that's way too much in less than 900 words. It's way too much in less than 1500 words, let alone 900. There are some words that can be used multiple times and not lose their power, mostly because they don't have much power in the first place. Words like "really" and "very" and "extremely" and other things like that do have power, up until you exploit that power. If you do not use other, stronger adjectives to replace them, they will become not only powerless, but somewhat annoying. Also, I don't know if "really" is used often in fantasy, so if it is I apologize, but I just can't imagine a warrior saying "I really don't want to fight this war." I'd rather have him say something along the lines of "I have a pregnant wife at home, Tyrell--I would rather go back to her in shame than have hollow glory spill from my wounds out in the ravenous cold." Not an exact replica, but you get what I mean.
-"As she had walked by the stands of delicious smelling foods" I...don't know if you can call delicious a smell. Can you? Well, I suppose you can. But I think I'd rather you describe it as "aromatic" rather than "delicious smelling", or if you're being ambitious something along the lines of "As she had walked by the stands of food that smelled like it could put her fathers' banquets to shame".
-"someone bumped into her without thinking who she was." Of who she was? I think? Also, why would they think of who she was? You've well established that, by now, everybody thinks she's just a street orphan of some sort.
Well, that's all I have to say for this review. Interested to read the next chapters. Till then,
Signing out,
--EM.
Thank you.
Hello GreatKing, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful review day.
This bit in the middle of all her thoughts felt awkward and unnecessary. I would take it out.Story plot: Just like last time, your story flow is still great, but I do have one problem
This chapter didn't really enhance the plot much more, but it greatly expanded on the queens personality.
Characters: So I am just going to talk about the queen now since I didn't really see any other characters in this chapter. It is obvious that she had very strong feelings towards the thief (I really want to know his name soon) and I'm wondering why she can't have him. I guess I learn that in the later chapters. You also displayed her view of the outside world and it's people. You showed her feelings towards her job too and all of this felt very really and made me like her character a lot.
Description: Your description in this chapter was just as good in the last one and although I looked, I could not find anyway to make it better than what it already is.
Grammar and punctuation: you just missed the comma in didn't.
I think you meant to say beautiful.
It think it would sound better like this
Overall it was a great chapter and I will read the next one soon. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
P.s Happy review day.
Thanks and I will check if I correct everything now.
I can correct I mean. Sorry but waking up. ;-;
Heya!!
Eros again for a review!!
This one was again, really amazing. I liked how you have presented everything. I liked the unique idea of telling the past in-between-the present, and the style of partitioning it. It was wonderful. I like the way you have described the eyes in the very beginning--sharp, redish blood-shot eyes. It shows the coldness of the man.
I also like the para:
This gave the picture of how the real, outside world is, from which these great people are unaware. This is exactly what today's scenario is. Instead of making equal laws for everybody, they are giving reservations t the backward classes. Backward classes... why there classes,?! It was all, again superb!
Keep writing!
Waiting for the next chapter. Don't forget to inform me when the next chapter is published.
I will post the third part after several minutes. Thanks.
Welcome.