z

Young Writers Society


12+

Seventh Crown X

by Elijah, AutoPilot


Do not read if you had not read the previous parts.

Seventh Crown X

~

After Cage had packed all of the things he had forgotten, he sat down against a wall and was immediately immersed in his thoughts. He wished that he was going on this trip with only the Queen, and without the guards. He did understand the King and his worries. Who knows what may happen during this dangerous journey? He needed to be aware that there would be danger, even if it was a land he did not know about. He had forgotten to take any books from the library even though he wanted to take at least one. That was stupid of him. The basket was full of his stuff and the maid could not carry it up, so he helped her as she actually did not mind and let him do it for her. After leaving the basket on its place, he went back to the big library. He could not stop thinking about Elizabeth. Was she going to be okay? And how would he find out more about her condition or be able to take care of her if he was so far off? Oh well, he thought, I hope she is fine.

Early the next morning, Cage, Rebecca, and the five guards who would accompany them ate a light meal and set off for The North. Rebecca's father had tried to delay the trip even more, but none of the group would allow him to. He sulked a bit but then sent them off with his blessings. The winter prior had been light; the roads were in fair condition and they had no problems. The sweet spring air was fresh and relieving after all those weeks cooped up in the musty castle. The travel was almost as much a vacation as it was a serious strategic visit. The first day went past uneventfully, the guards were pleasent and kept a light conversation going to keep the boredom at bay. Rebecca and Cage particapated little in this conversation, as both of them were totally wrapped up in their own thoughts.

That night they stopped as it got too dark to ride; they pitched camp and made a fire. Two of the guards left to find more wood, one left to water the horses, and the other two left to hunt. Cage and Rebecca were left alone together. At first, neither of them seemed eager to break the comfortable silence, but finally Cage did break it.

"Should we start moving on at daybreak each morning, and then travel into the night? Or should we spend a little less time on the road?"

Rebecca thought about it for a moment, "I think it is a dire situation, we must get to the fort as soon as possible. The war has almost reached the North and I fear that we may be too late if we continue to dawdle along."

Cage nodded his approval and Rebecca realized it had been a test of sorts. "I agree," He started, "The sooner we get there, the better off the fort will be."

Neither of them really had anything to say, and it was a bit of a relief when the guards came back. Before long they had a pot of hare broth bubbling over a small, bright fire. One of the guards brought out a deck of cards and they all sat back and played games with them. Finally the night had fully set in, the Queen retired to her tent, and the guards and Cage took up their positions around her.

~

The next day they set out with the sun, the guards were not used to riding so much and they were stiff and sore. Cage and Rebecca smiled behind hands as one of the men fell as he climbed onto his horse; Rebecca made a mental note to have the soldiers and guards train on horses more. The commrady feeling from the day was still there as they set out, it was quieter today, but they also traveled faster. At the end of the second day, the Queen was very happy with their progress; if it continued to go as it had for the first two days, they would reach The North Fort earlier than they had planned. The next two days passed as the first had; but on the fourth things changed. They reached the first village, and they were not expected. As they neared the outskirts of the large clusters of houses, a group of armed men and women appeared with dogs at their heels.

The man who Cage judged to be the leader of the group approached them, "Who are you?" He asked suspiciously, eyeing their well-bred horses, "And what do you want with our village?"

Cage took charge, "Good sir, I am sorry to disturb the peace of your village. We are just passing through." One of the guards horses stepped forward a pace and the group jumped and hoisted their weapons into a ready position in response. Cage became wary, he wondered what had the townsfolk so riled up and jumpy. He dismounted and unclipped his sword and sheath from his swordbelt. Laying it across his saddle, he approached the group unarmed and helpless.

"Good sir, may I speak to you?" The man nodded and told his men to stand down. He and Cage walked about a dozen paces away from both groups and began to speak in hushed tones."It seems to me that something has your town a bit frightened." Cage spoke softly.

"Ain't nothin can get us scairt!" The man barked, "Them is as brave as they come." he said as he waved towards his motly group of men and women.

Cage understood that he had just injured the proud villager's ego a little by insituating that he may be afraid, "I did not mean to say you may be cowardly. You and your group seem a little jumpy, anything wrong around here?" Cage questioned the man.

The man's face flashed with a few emotions and thoughts, but he finally answered, "Something strange has been going around here. I swear there is a demon or something of the like has been haunting our little village here. People have been disappearing and dying allthe sudden lately."

"Sudden disappearances? I agree that this is not a very normal thing. May my group and I have permission to enter your town? Then we can talk about this, it is getting late and my compatriots will want to rest." Cage looked away towards his group as the man nodded, "Well, looks like I really have no other choice, right?" He began, " We will let you through; but you will still have to explain us why are you trying to pass into our territory. Strangers are not very welcomed here. We want no trouble."

"I understand and thank you for letting us in." Cage replied, "As you are letting us pass, we will give you no trouble. This is the safest way for us and I appreciate your cooperation. I will make sure that you and your town are rewarded for this kindness."

The man answered with his head bent towards the ground, "You do not need to thank me. The ones who will choose whether or not you may move on from our town are the leaders, not me." The young male answered and turned away. Somehow, he could not look at Cage for too long. His redish eyes were strange and frightening, Like two bloody red moons in a clear blue sky.

-to be continued-


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 7:20 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Hey GreatKing,

So, Welcome to Review day where you get multiple reviews on things like that in ways that you might not always want to have happen. I didn't read the beginning parts of this, I just read this part, so I'm not going to comment on story so much as craft, that way I can help you move forward.

First off, I'd like to say that I really do like how you're writing. You've got a good flow of words and you develop the scene well. The suspense in this section is actually working towards your advantage setting up the situation and allowing the reader to dwell on it. I do think you have some issues though.

The biggest issue I see is that in this section you're working towards writing a synopsis rather than a clear section of the story. Why do we have to know about a basket? I feel like some of the information you put into the story is just to show character, but by chapter ten, we should really know that stuff by now. Unless this is just part ten/however many and like chapter three in the story. If that's the case, then sure, we might want to know a little bit more about character, but I don't think it's done through summarising an experience that's supposed to be used as evidence. In my experience, the best things to summarize are where things are going normally, and then you just do a rough overview, and jump right into the next big thing. This is sort of like how you do it with the riding, however, you go into some detail for parts of the riding and not others. It's frustrating as a reader to jump in and out of scenes like that. If you're going to give us a scene where he's testing her, then give us the whole scene. You can work foreshadowing in later if you have that and it'll be a better read.

Overall, I think you're doing a good job here. Keep going and see this project through. Just, work towards showing the scenes you want to use speaking in, and after everything is written, then decide if you want to leave it in or not. Don't edit before you're done. It just will bog you down and stop the writing process.

Aley




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Sun Jun 26, 2016 6:41 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Hello, Great King!

I know that the note at the top of your piece asks that we do not read this section if we haven't read the previous sections. However, what's great about your writing is that I get a rough sense for what's happened just in the first few paragraphs. I understand that Cage, if not royalty, has some connection to nobility that might be a bit shaky, because he has a maid carry his things for him, but she's not too bothered when he takes it over. I understand that they are on a quest to find or to do something, as they are setting out with guards. I also understand that he and the Queen had a common goal, but he had a goal that the Queen did not share, which was to take care of Elizabeth. Even though I don't know who Elizabeth or what her problem is, I'm sure that Cage cares for her, because he thoughtfully considers her before leaving. I do wonder how mature Cage is, though, if he cannot make any arrangements for Elizabeth to be taken care of or any kind of communication of her status to be sent to him, etc. Maybe that's the nature of the journey they're starting.

All this information in just the first few paragraphs! Thanks! So I think I'm going to keep reading.

One suggestion I have is regarding this moment:

I agree that this is not a very normal thing.


Could you try reading that aloud to yourself? Does it sound like something you would say to a friend? A stranger? "not a very normal thing" just sounds very out of place. Dialogue is very important because it moves the story along at the same time that it gives us clues about a character's personality. If the dialogue is strange and stilted like this, the reader might feel disconnected from the character. Try brainstorming how Cage in particular would react to this situation. How would his reaction and his dialogue be different from Rebecca's in the situation or different from yours in the situation?

Finally, I really love the mystery you set up by alluding to someone else deciding whether the traveling party could leave the village, but especially from the last line "like two bloody red moons in a clear blue sky" -- that image is clear, not only grounding us in the moment, but also making us a bit doubtful about the situation because you chose the ominous color of blood to describe this man. I'm excited to keep reading, and I'll do that right now.

If you have any questions or comments about my review, feel free to reply or message me.

Thanks,

Hannah




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Sun May 01, 2016 10:05 am
Eros says...



Hi!
This one is mysterious. You have flooded my brain with a ton of thoughts...

OMG! Sudden Disappearance and deaths!! How? Who does that!? Will Cage, Queen and the 5 guards be allowed to pass through the village??
Wanting to read more. *Clicks on the next chapter*

~Eros.




Elijah says...


Thank you for commenting. XD



Eros says...


I wanted to review. But it's too short to be called as a review! This time I will surely try to improve.



Elijah says...


Of course!



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Sun May 01, 2016 7:25 am
TribeofArt wrote a review...



Helloo first time reading ur story I'm just a newbie at doing reviews so hope it helps you at least a little bit! Here goes nothing.

"After Cage had packed all of the things he had forgotten, he sat down against a wall and was immedietly immersed in his thoughts."

A little typo there immeditely=immediately.

"He wished that he was going on this trip with only the Queen, and without the guards. But he did understand the King and his worries. Who knows what may happen during this dangerous journey? He needed to be aware that there would be danger, even if it was a land he did not know about."

For English sentence structures we can't start a sentence with 'but' so it's better if you put it like this. "He wished that he was going on this trip with only the queen and without any guards around but he did understand the King and his worries for her safety."

"He had forgotten to take any kind of a book from the library even if he said he will take at least one. That was stupid of him."

The sentence here is a bit weird had to read a few times to understand, maybe you can change it to "He had forgotten to take any books from the library even though he wanted to take at least one."

"The basket was full of his stuff and the maid could not carry it up, so he helped her as she actually did not mind and let him do it for her."

It should be "The basket was full of his stuffs." The sentence later was a bit weird too so maybe you can change it to "and the poor maid wasn't able to carry it up the heavy load, in the end he offered to help her and she happily let him do so."

"After leaving the basket on its place, he went back to the big library. He could not stop thinking about Elizabeth. Was she going to be okay? And how would he find out more about her condition or be able to take care of her if he was so far off?Oh well, he thought, I hope she is fine."

The 'oh well' here should be in italic since he was thinking.

"Early the next morning, Cage, Rebecca, and the five guards who would accompany them ate a light meal and set of for The North."

All okay just a little typo, 'set off'.

"Rebecca's father had tried to delay the trip even more, but none of the group would allow him to. He sulked a bit but then sent them off with his blessings."

The sentence here was a little brief, maybe if you describe it more in detail it'll help the readers to understand his feelings more. Maybe like, "Even though Rebecca's father had tried to delay the trip as long as he could, still non of the group members allowed him to do so. He sulked a little as his mischievous plan had failed, but nevertheless he sent them off with his blessings."

"The winter prior had been light; the roads were in fair condition and they had no problems. The sweet spring air was fresh and relieving after all those weeks cooped up in the musty castle. The travel was almost as much a vacation as it was a serious strategic visit."

I love the descriptions here helps me to imagine the scene out very well.

"The first day went past uneventfully, the guards were pleasent and kept a light conversation going to keep the boredom at bay. Rebecca and Cage particapated little in this conversation, as both of them were totally wrapped up in their own thoughts."

Just some typoes. Pleasant* and participated*, it's better if you change it to "Rebecca and Cage participated little in their* conversation," Just my opinion though I bet most of the readers don't even notice all these hehe.

"That night they stopped as it got to dark to ride; they pitched camp and made a fire. Two of the guards left to find more wood, one left to water the horses, and the other two left to hunt. Cage and Rebecca were left alone together. At first, neither of them seemed eager to break the comfortable silence, but finally Cage did break it."

Maybe you can add where they stop and what for? like "That night they stopped and rested in the woods as it got too dark to continue their journey" And just a little typo 'too* dark to ride.'

"Rebecca thought about it for a moment, "I think it is pretty dire that we get to the fort as fast as possible. The war has almost reached the North and I fear we may be to late if we dawdle along."

I don't think 'dire' is a word to be used in this way. Dire is used to describe a desperate situation so it's more accurate if you say 'I think it is a dire situation, we must get to the fort as soon as possible. The war has almost reached the North and I fear that we may be too* late if we continue to dawdle along.'

"Cage nodded his approval and Rebecca realized it had been a test of sorts. "I agree fully," He started, "The sooner we get there, the better off the fort will be."

For English sentence structures the 'I agree fully" is wrong it should be "I fully agree."

~

'The next day they set out with the sun, the guards were not used to riding so much and they were stiff and sore.'

This is just me being picky and stupid hehe but I don't get it, how is it possible for palace guards to be not used to riding?


'The man who Cage judged to be the leader of the group approached them, "Who are you?" He asked suspiciously, eyeing their well-bred horses, "And what do be wanting with our village?"'

Your story plot is very good and all but I realized your sentence structures have a bit of problems but don't worry! A little practice and it's all perfect! It should be, 'What do you want with our village?'


'"Aint nothin can get us scairt!" The man barked, "Them is as brave as they come." he said as he waved towards his motly group of men and women.'

Quite a few typos here, 'Ain't* nothing can get us scared*', "They are* as brave as they come.', 'his motley* group of men and women.'

"Cage understood that he had just injured the proud villager's ego a little by insituating that he may be afraid, "I did not mean to say you may be cowardly. But you and your group seem a little jumpy, anything wrong around here?" Cage questioned the man."

The words that you used to describe wasn't very accurate, maybe you can do it like this. 'Cage realized* that he had just hurt* the villager's pride* by implying* that they* are a bunch of cowards*'

"The man's face flashed with a few emotions and thoughts, but he finally answered, "Something strange has been going around here. I swear there is a demon or something of the like has been haunting our little village here. People have been disappearing and dying allthe sudden lately.""

For the word 'flashed', we use it when for example we see some kind of expression that was on the person's face for a second and gone within a few seconds, so it's not right to say 'flashed with thoughts*', 'dying all of the sudden*'

"Sudden disappearances? I agree that this is not a very normal thing. May I and my group have permission to enter your town? Then we can talk about this, it is getting late and my compatriots will want to rest." Cage looked away towards his group as the man nodded, "Well, looks like I really have no other choice, right?" He began, " We will let you through; but you will still have to explain us why are you trying to pass into our territory. Strangers are not very welcomed here. We want no trouble."

Overall are all fine except for the beginning, For English sentence structures you cannot use 'I and my group', same with 'I and my friends', it must be 'my friends and I*', so it should be "My group and I"*

"This is the safst way for us and I appreciate your cooporation. I will make sure that you and your town are rewarded for this kindness."

safest* cooperation*

Overall the story's really good and interesting! It keeps me going hehe, you're all awesome just to be wary for some errors in you grammar and sentence structures and some typos but all of them can be fixed with just a bit of practice don't worry! Anyway love your characters and story plot, hope you continue to write wonderful works like this!

Until next time then mate, cheerio!




Elijah says...


Well, I hope you read the start before you read the end but thank you for the review.



Elijah says...


The 'oh well' here should be in italic since he was thinking.

So bad that it is already Italic fonted but you did not see it?
"Aint nothin can get us scairt!" The man barked, "Them is as brave as they come." he said as he waved towards his motly group of men and women.'

This is how the people there talk because they are not very smart.
And also these problems are things my editor needs to check because she wrote the parts you corrected. I will correct them for her still.




The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
— Walter Benjamin