Seventh Crown I
~
He sat there in a silence that seemed never ending, waiting for the night to come. He started to relax, unaware of eyes, watching and waiting for him to succumb to sleep upon the roof-tops where he was posted. The windows were closed, with the exception of one of the small houses. There was no wind, which was unusual for the day. It was sunny and the sun did not want to leave its place on the sky yet. But at the end of the day, the scorching sun relented, the moon came out, replacing it out in the broad sky. It was a relieving sight, with its silvery glow and surrounded by many stars.
His target was there, hidden from his sight but not for long. It was still so bright outside, with the fresh moon and the fading sun, he could not attack his target now without fearing detection. He was a silent killer who knew his job well, and because of that, he knew he was quickly running low on time. If he managed to eliminate his target in the allotted time, he would receive a hefty pay-load. As Queen's loyal dog, he needed to finish this job. He preferred being alone while doing this, because he hated other people doing his job or bothering him at all. He was paid very well for each job by the Queen, and yet, he was still living in the shadows. A hero who was once loved and adored by many, now living alone, forgotten by many, including those that had once called him their friend.
Hours later
"As I ordered, do it." The Queen was cruel, strict and always been that harsh type of person you never wanted to talk with. He bent his head down, focusing on the floor, making an effort not to meet her eyes with his own. He knew she hated people making eye contact with her. Everyone feared her too much to even use her title out loud. She was cruel towards her own people, over whom she ruled, but she was crueler still towards her enemies.
"Of course, my lovely highness."
"You have my permission to meet my eyes. You know you are the privileged exception that I will make." She said it with a soft smile on her face, which he found strange because he could feel her displeasure with having to meet with him. But he was just doing his job, that was all. It wasn't as if he wanted to meet with the Queen, only those with a death wish requested a meeting out of free will.
When they were both young and free, and when she was still a small lovely princess, she had not been closed and mean towards them all. After just one war, all the innocence in her eyes vanished like fog after the news of the dead men. It was like she had immediately shut her feelings away and lost the key. She had soon began making less ethnically good choices, and more decisions that hurt people but benefitted her queendom.
"Before you leave, there is something I need to tell you first. You will not be alone this time. I know you like doing your job all by yourself, but this time it will be different. "
What was that supposed to mean? Well, it was not like he cared that much.
"You hate women in general, I know. I am sure you are not so happy to stay with me, also, but it is something you need to bear."
"Something I need to bear? This sounds like I will be punished for something I have not done, my Queen," His piercing eyes grew colder while their eye-contact remained. "I will do it by myself." These were the only words he spoke before rolling his eyes and leaving. She did not respond to his words, or rather, his actions. She could predict it happening.
"He will never change. And the way he looks at me won't change either."
She felt a slight pain in her heart.
She knew what was happening was wrong.
Surely he thinks that I am cold and emotionless. I am stupid to think he may look at me in an another way than someone who pays him for doing his job.
She almost hated herself for continuously thinking about him. She already knew nothing was going to change and it only made her feel worse to think about it. She tried many times to consciously make an effort, to remind herself that he only thought of her as the heartless Queen, and yet, she never believed herself when she told herself she could forget him. She took a deep but shaky breath and closed her eyes, seeing the memory she always brought to mind when she was upset. The one from years ago, when they met near the golden tree. Back then, she did not know she was not allowed to go near them or touch them. Such a silly princess she was. He was a normal, poor village kid who had hid himself behind the massive trunks, waiting for a chance to go out by night and steal apples from the trees without getting caught.
"It is not allowed, you know?" She said, her voice shaking. His voice was strangely calm. He had no problem seeing her barely naked. His cold gaze did not fall over her body, or even her face. He only took a step closer to her and looked up to the big tree.
"Hey, pass me that apple from over there before it falls over your head." His mouth formed a small smile as she embarrassedly, face getting hot, handed him the apple he had asked for.
"Well, I think you need to put on some clothes. Aren't you the so-famous princess?" His voice was calm and deep even if he was still such a young child. He turned away and took his leave without letting her say a word more. While walking, he bit the apple and stopped for a moment to look back behind himself, as if he thought someone would come after him.
No one? Well, fine then.
He thought and sighed softly, going back to the place he had come from.
The palace was full of maids and slaves, ready to obey their masters. She did not like how many people ask her how she is and what she wants every minute so she was always running away near that tree, waiting for one specific thief to come.
-to be continued-
End of chapter
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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Hi there! I'm having a reviewing spree! (so take advantage of it while you can) And PS: I'm representing (or trying to) Team Monarch. That's kind of funny because your title...BACK TO THE REVIEW.
I thought the story was great! It seems like you fixed anything that the previous reviewers mentioned, so there isn't anything (as far as I could tell Xp) wrong, or in need of correction. I like the formatting of the actual work. How you had everything centered. It really added a dramatic effect. The italics too, put an emphasis on just the right words. There is a difference in a poorly formatted work with the same content, and a nicely formatted work with the same content. Good job there.
You involved the reader by putting a little 2nd person point of view in there. It thrills me when people do that, because it helps me picture what is happening in that scene ever so much better. I really liked this. Keep it up GreatKing!
~Me, from Team Monarch
An interesting story. I'm somewhat intrigued as to where this might lead us to, but for now, let's look at the highlights for my little notes and corrections.
-"It was sunny and the sun did not want to leave its place on the sky yet." I feel like this sentence was redundant. Sunny already indicates that the sun is out (unless we're in an alternative universe where the sun is actually just a tomato), so you should probably delete one of the two sentences indicating sunny weather. I suggest leaving it as "the sun did not want to leave its place in the sky yet" because it's more showy than tell compared to "it was sunny".
-"the scorching sun relented, the moon came out, replacing the it out in the broad sky." The it? What does that mean? I think you may have meant 'replacing it out in the broad sky'.
-"The Queen was cruel, strict, and always been that harsh type of person you never wanted to talk with." 'Has always been the harsh type of person' is probably more appropriate.
-"I know you like doing your job all over, but this time it will be different." Your job all over? I think you might've meant 'your job alone'.
-"I am stupid to think he may look at me in an another way than someone who pays him for doing his job.'" In another way, or in any other way. 'In an another way' is a weird thing to say.
-"His voice was that calm that she thought he is doing this from ages." I think you could fix this sentence into: "His voice was calm enough that she thought he was doing it for ages." Feel free to change that sentence to whatever you see fit, but the first sentence just doesn't cut it for me.
-"Aren't you the "so famous "princess? "" 'Famous' is more appropriate. 'So famous' is--weird. 'Oh-so-famous' is appropriate as well, but usually when we see 'so famous' it is accompanied with something else, ie 'she's so famous that even your grandpa knows who she is'.
-"ready to obey to their masters." Ready to obey their masters. Your preposition is redundant.
Now, onto the more substantial portion of this review:
So far, the story looks pretty interesting. We have a queen and a thief with particularly strange past relations. I'm somewhat confused as to why the thief is being sent to assassinate (?) someone. Wouldn't that make him an assassin? Or a thief-assassin. His resume must be particularly interesting.
We also have the matter of the Queen. Currently, I'm not particularly intrigued with how you've characterized her. All the elements are there, and all the conflicts are perfectly aligned, its just that how it's organized is a bit of a mess. So she's cold and crass on the outside, but in the inside she's soft on the thief? Is this the first time she's hired the thief? If it isn't, then this part of her personality should ooze out a bit and be evident to the thief. Why do I say this? Because she makes it obvious through her flashbacks that it's the stronger part of her personality. Coldness is more dominant than softer emotions--if she was really, truly the cold queen you tell the audience she is, you wouldn't give us a peek of her softer side in the first chapter. That's for later development. We must first develop that her actions make her out to be cold and crass.
Which brings me to one more problem I had with this chapter--it had more telling than showing. It told us that this person specializes in killing, it tells us that that person is cold and crass, it tells us that there was a war that made her cold, and all these good plot elements given out in such rushed fashion. All these elements would make a good story, mind you. But just because the ingredients are tasty doesn't mean the finished product will be tasty even if you overheat it.
But that's just my current thoughts on the matter. I'll continue reading this from the looks of things, but till then,
Signing out,
--EM.
A very nice and honest review!
Loved it
A very nice and honest review!
Loved it
Hello GreatKing, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful review day.
I don't know about you, but I found this a rather bold thing to do in front of a queen. First the arguing with her and then the eye rolling. I think that was a bit to bold and if I got the queen's personality right, she should throw a fit when he does that. Read a bit further and now I know why she doesn't pull a flip, but he still was very bold to do that.Story plot: Already you are off to a fantastic start with the plot of you story and have me asking so many questions like why does the queen have a thing for the thief and who has she hired him to kill.
Your chapter lay out was great and I feel that I already know the characters. You started with a bunch of description to set out the mood. Then you introduced the thief and his feelings. Then you explained why he was there in the first place and had a little more of his feelings towards the queen. And finally you give me a memory way back when the queen was a young princes.
None of the stuff you put into the chapter felt like it didn't belong there and it all flowed in a perfect manner.
Characters:
So the thief (not sure what his name is yet) seems to be a bold character with a bit of charm. I like him so far and I look forward to learning more about him in the next chapter.
The queen was the one you seemed to focus the most on in this chapter and at first I thought she was a heartless tyrant, but then you give her a whole lot of back story so that I know sort of feel for her.
Description: Now for the description in your story. I thought you had a perfect balance so that it wasn't over powering, but there was a good amount to build a clear picture of your world. You kept if perfect through out the story and really, I can't fault it.
Grammar and punctuation: Just a small problem with the dot at the beginning. I'm probably being ridicules, but it was a bit of an eye sore when compered to the fine text format you chose.
This line didn't read very well. Maybe change the order of the words to make it flow a bit better.
Overall it was a great chapter and I will read the next one soon. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
P.s Happy review day.
*dances* we did it!
It's in the spotlight! *pops open a champagne bottle* yay! *pumps fist in the air and dances*
It's in the spotlight! *pops open a champagne bottle* yay! *pumps fist in the air and dances*
*twirls around* Hurray!
yeahhh
What?? You don't sound all that excited Rain-san!
IM HAPPY ENOUGH
Heya GreatKing, AutoPilot, and FandomsNmusic!!
This Eros here to review this joint work by you all!!
I liked the title. It was indeed catchy and captivating. I liked the theme of the chapter. It is very good, and unique. The novel is interesting. I like how you have expressed the cruelness of the Queen in tis chapter.
I liked the seven little pictures that are in the beginning. They are sooo beautiful!! The plot is set amazingly wonderful. I liked this piece. All your efforts are deeply appreciated.
It was overall, a GREAT work!
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such awesome works like this one.
I am eager to know the next part. Best luck!
Have a great day/night
I had drawn the pictures, thank you very much.
The next part is already on point and posted.
You draw too beautifully, King.
Hmm... I clicked the Part 2 in the green room, but I intentionally came back to read the part 1 so that I can understand the beautiful story and catch up with it's superb flow. xD
Well, the other two help, too.
They are editors mostly but still good writers.
XD
They are all awesome!
You all are awesome writers.
Thanks.
Wel-C. I mean Welcome.
*thumps up* gud work
Thankies.
I like this piece of work and I honestly look forward to reading more. First off I like the way it is presented in older times and I honestly think that is a good place for any story dealing with this kind of thing. I also like the fact that the two of you worked together for this making it an amazing piece of work because I know you guys review a lot. I honestly don't see anything wrong with this piece but I could be wrong because I am only human. I wish you guys the best of luck with the future of this story and please keep me informed on the future of it.
Thank you a lots. We are currently editing the next parts, we have them written.
Did you replace it with the edited version yet Rain-san?
yush
good job *gives you lots of hugs*
Oh my gosh, this was before Eden-chan or I did any editing isn't it? You should publish the edited first part >.<
edit it,shithead
I'm almost done my little f*****
Not really, jus un-edited
ughhh
Post the edited version, they will love it :*
do it yourself shitie
This story has a lot of potential - I find that the setting is interesting and the characters are quite alive. However, you need to read over the chapters before posting them just to proofread any mistakes. There are several spots where you didn't add spaces or the proper grammar.
Overall, I look forward to seeing your story progress, along with your writing. Best of luck!
Thank you!
I was not the one editing, but I will try correcting it.
Also, You had not read the story at all. The story is copied there twice, by mistake. You had not seen it, this is what I think, it proves you did not read a sentence.
:thumbsup: