Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Holding the gun steady, Jarod leveled the barrel over the mutilated and wheezing body, swallowed the bile threatening to come out, and forced himself to not close his eyes and look away.
The shot rang out through the forest and the birds went silent.
Jarod stumbled out from behind the bushes to rejoin the search party.
“Was it Margret?” Peter asked. Jarod looked down at his shoes and nodded. The rest of the group was silent and uncomfortable as Peter fell to his knees and wept. Old Peter had been the mayor for forty years and never had anyone seen him express the slightest tinge of emotion until today.
The entire town was beset by a vicious monster; whether it was a man or beast, they could not tell. Several children had been attacked on the outskirts of the village but it wasn’t until the major’s wife, Margret, had been taken that they had decided to form a search party. Everyone was well aware that the search party was formed for hunting the beast, as Margret’s safe recovery was unlikely. The children’s heads had been found two fields away.
Soon, Peter had quenched his tears and stood with a look that would have made the Devil flee. The party continued, following the path of bent tree limbs and disturbed earth through the forest. The group could feel the change of the woods. Where once it was a childhood escape and provider of food, it was now something dark and supernatural. The shadows seemed to move and each noise was something threatening and echoed around them.
They came to a clearing and in the center was a man, covered in blood, passed out and naked. The party froze, their minds thinking it was an apparition. The sun had started to rise and caused the darkness to turn to a hazy gray and within minutes the men had conquered their fears enough to move and think logically.
Circling the man, the group pointed their weapons at the twitching, unconscious man. With a resounding scream, Peter led the charge with many weapons firing, whether intentional or not, and a strange growling and bark from the man who was suddenly awake and thrashing at the men around him.
When the men had the bloody stranger, unconscious and tied up, they took stock of the damages. Peter had what looked like a claw mark across his cheek, and young Jarod, who was only 14, had a deadly bullet wound to his abdomen and several chaps had bruises and wounds that their wives could patch up later.
Jarod was buried in the clearing and the search party somberly dragged the beast back into town.
Two weeks passed as Peter questioned the stranger until he had the confession he had been wanting. People came from four towns away to see the execution. The village elders had decided that the most fitting and just punishment was to skin the beast alive so that he could feel the mutilation he had inflicted upon his victims.
In the crowd sat a 9-year-old girl, Danielle, who wore all black and stayed silent during the whole affair. The town militia strapped him to a stretcher in the town square while people started gathering.
“Make ‘em bleed!” a large woman yelled from the crowd and they cheered and joined in. People had arrived with blades and knives from kitchens, hunting tools, potato peelers, and anything that could inflict pain upon the man.
Peter walked up to the podium. “My friends,” the crowd gave one final cheer and fell silent. “My friends,” he repeated. “We have been through much – but we don’t need to suffer anymore! We have caught the Devil!” The town erupted in cheers and jeering with indistinguishable shouts and chants. Peter motioned for a young woman to come forward. She shyly stepped away from the masses and toward Peter and the man holding a small knife in her shaking hands.
“Shannon, will you do the honor?” Peter asked the young woman, one of the mothers to the children that had been killed. She walked up to the man, strapped down and gagged, and carved a square from the side of his abdomen. Holding the slice of skin up into the air, the crowd roared, drowning out the muffled screaming of the tied man.
The town and visitors all moved as a mass toward the man with knives in the air and a frenzy in their eyes. The 9-year-old stood quietly in the back, expressionless, as she watched the man who raised her be skinned to death.
Soon the man had no more skin and hardly any more blood to keep him conscious. The town stood over him and sadly expressed their contempt over not having any more fun. The man was buried on the edge of the forest, still breathing but undoubtedly close to death.
As the crowds were leaving and voices carried through the fog, Danielle could hear the townspeople talk of how great the execution had gone. Local barkeeps laughed about the amount of profit this week had brought them with the extra travelers from out of town who had come for the excitement. The girl stood there, and, with a single tear running down her face, she thought about the monsters in this world, and how they lived right next to us.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey Djinn-
It's MJ here, hoping to improve your writing in whatever way possible! That said, feel free to use my suggestion in any way you feel useful, and don't feel obligated to make every change I suggest. It's your story, and I'm just throwing suggestions out there for you to do as you please with them.
So first things first: I noticed a few little nit-picky things (grammar, poor wording, sentence structure, etc.)
1. "swallowed the bile threatening to come out" I would reword this as "swallowed the bile rising in the back of my throat" because "come out" typically isn't the best possible wording possible.
2. "The shot rang out through the forest and the birds went silent." grammar nitpick here: there should be a comma after 'forest'
3. "Old Peter had been the mayor for forty years and never had anyone seen him express the slightest tinge of emotion until today." The last portion of the sentence is both poorly worded and grammatically incorrect. At the very least, include a comma after 'years' and I would suggest changing that sentence to "Old Peter had been the mayor for forty years, and nobody had ever seen him express the slightest tinge of emotion until today."
4. "Several children had been attacked on the outskirts of the village but it wasn’t until the major’s wife, Margret, had been taken that they had decided to form a search party." There should be a comma after 'village'
5. "The entire town was beset by a viscous monster" 'viscous' should be 'vicious'
6. "The children’s heads had been found two fields away." This sentence seems out of place, and I would move it to a section where you discuss the children rather than include it in the paragraph where Peter is dealing with Margret's death.
7. "Where once it was a childhood escape and provider of food, it was now something dark and supernatural" The beginning part of this sentence is awkwardly worded. It should say either "What once was a childhood escape and provider of food" or "Where a childhood escape and provider of food had once been, there was now. . . "
8. "The shadows seemed to move and each noise was something threatening and echoed around them." This has the same feel as a run-on sentence. I would recommend either separating these or adding some commas so it's not as smushed together.
9. "They came to a clearing and in the center was a man, covered in blood, passed out and naked." There should be a comma after 'clearing' and again, this sentence feels too squished together and has a bunch of different fragments all squished into one sentence.
10. "When the men had the bloody stranger, unconscious and tied up, they took stock of the damages. Peter had what looked like a claw mark across his cheek, and young Jarod, who was only 14, had a deadly bullet wound to his abdomen and several chaps had bruises and wounds that their wives could patch up later." This should definitely not be one sentence and should be separated into at least two or three sentences.
11. "Jarod was buried in the clearing and the search party somberly dragged the beast back into town." There should be a comma after 'clearing'
12. " The town militia strapped him to a stretcher in the town square while people started gathering." I would suggest moving this into the next paragraph just for the sake of flow
13. "Make ‘em bleed!” a large woman yelled from the crowd and they cheered and joined in." Three things: a) it should be 'im instead of 'em and b) comma after crowd and c) they should be replaced with 'the crowd' or something similar for the sake of clarity
14. " She shyly stepped away from the masses and toward Peter and the man holding a small knife in her shaking hands." There should be a comma after 'Peter' and the last half of the statement doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I'm really not sure what you're trying to say there. The man holding a small knife in her shaking hands? Is the man Peter? Is he holding the knife in his hands, or is she holding the knife?
15. "The 9-year-old stood quietly in the back, expressionless, as she watched her favorite Uncle be skinned to death." 'be' should be 'being'
16. "Soon the man had no more skin and hardly any more blood to keep him conscious. The town stood over him and sadly expressed their contempt over not having any more fun. The man was buried on the edge of the forest, still breathing but undoubtedly close to death." Several problems with this sentence. The first sentence should be reworded as 'Soon the man had no more skin and no more blood to keep him conscious." The second sentence should be reworded as "The town stood over him, disappointed that they couldn't punish him more." And the third sentence scientifically doesn't make sense: if he didn't have any skin, he would have been long dead.
17. "Danielle could hear the townspeople talk of how great the execution had gone" This should either be "how great the execution had been" or "how well the execution had gone"
And now for content reviewing:
First things first, the end was very gory and the entire story had a dark undertone. I would strongly reccommend changing this to at least a 16+ rating for the sake of younger children who might be on this website and reading some stories.
Second things second, why is a 14-year-old on such an undoubtedly dangerous and bloody journey? From what we are told about the town's capacity, there appear to be plenty of capable men. Why take along a boy?
Third things third: It seems unrealistic that a town council would allow so much pain and torture to be inflicted on the beast. If this situation were to actually happen, and I pray it won't, of course, I feel like many town leaders would consider torture an unacceptable method,and especially one as gory as the one described.
Fourth: Why would so many people want to see the beast killed, and killed in such a gory way? I feel like the entire idea of mutilating is unrealistic and makes the people come across as sadistic torturers, and if that's the case, it's hardly surprising that they're being attacked.
Fifth: Why is a nine year old present at such a gory scene, let alone the execution of her UNCLE? Wouldn't someone have stopped her?
Overall, this was a great but unnecessarily gory story, and I feel like your theme was undermined by all of the blood and guts that you put in this story. I hope that all of my nitpicking was helpful and you do consider changing some of the goriness so it's more fitting to the story and not just mindless blood-and-gusty glory.
Best wishes,
MJ
Hello there Djinn!
Very very first of all, you might want to put a warning or are marking on this; your description near the end is a hit graphic, and someone who might not feel comfortable with it might read that part.
So, overall, I get the theme you have- the real monsters live among us. However, the "beast" has also been killing people. If you want your theme to come across clearer, maybe you could show that the person they accuse isn't really the one who did it all, which would make the villagers seem much more wicked and monsterous in contrast. Also, the title of this piece is called werewolf, but you only have a few words or phrases in there that would suggest that he's a werewolf. Maybe you could emphasize that a little bit more, showing how since he's a werewolf, everyone instantly blames him for the murders, when he was actually innocent or maybe even trying to stop the real perpetrator. Then, he was held long enough to be forced into making a false confession. Does that make sense, how your theme would be able to come across a bit better this way? It's just a suggestion, anyway- you don't necessarily have to change the plot, but it is hard to tell he's a werewolf.
It's a little bit hard to understand the setting of the story- there are small villages, and "blades and knives from kitchens, hunting tools, potato peelers"; so these give the feel of a less modern setting, maybe fantasy. However, there's also the presence of guns in the beginning of the story, and I think these two bits clash. You could probably combine them alright, but in the short space you have here, they seem quite separate and made me do a double take.
Another thing you might want to think about is emotion. Obviously there was some sadness in the beginning because of Margret's death, but since the readers are not yet acquainted with the characters, there isn't much feeling; what little there is quickly gets lost in the hunt. The family connection of the young girl with that brutality at the end- now that makes the readers feel sad and upset. But throughout the whole piece, you should think about what you want readers to feel about each character and event. You may want the townspeople to come off as inhuman and cruel- maybe make their actions sharper, or take out Jarod's death, which makes us feel bad for them because he's so young. You could make us pity the "beast" by making him seem defeated but innocent, and submissive as if he had fallen from something better. Just something to think about.
You do a good job with imagery throughout, so that's great! Some of your phrasing seems kind of weird- I don't know if it's just your style, but you might want to read through it to yourself and see if anything sounds off. Nice job overall, I hope you can improve it a bit too!
-Falco
This was very detailed short story! I always enjoy a nice read while lying in my warm bed. The imagery made my heart stop, for example:
"Holding the slice of skin up into the air, the crowd roared, drowning out the muffled screaming of the tied man."
This sent chills down my spine! I adore this sort of sci-fi genre, without any overwhelming details. Also, I love the smooth transitions in this story. It just lets my eager eyes glide right through the story without any hesitations. For example:
"Soon, Peter had quenched his tears and stood with a look that would have made the Devil flee."
Also, I would love to mention the hair-raising comparison of Peter's expression to the Devil himself in the quote as well. These kind of short stories just help me relax and enjoy a good read. Keep up the wonderful work!
Greetings! Your summary alone caught my attention and so here I am. Let's start the review now!
"and forced himself to not close his eyes and look away." For this one, looking away and closing one's eyes don't need to be done together since they're two different actions, so I would suggest replacing the word "and" with "or".
"The shot rang out through the forest and the birds went silent." The word "out" seems unnecessary here, in my opinion.
'Old Peter had been the mayor for forty years and never had anyone seen him express the slightest tinge of emotion until today.' While there isn't anything particularly wrong with this sentence, I think a better way of saying this would be 'In Old Peter's dirty head as mayor, no one had seen express the slightest tinge of emotion. Until today.'
'major’s' I think you meant to say "mayor's".
'The shadows seemed to move and each noise was something threatening *that* echoed around them.' Is the right way to say this.
'several chaps had bruises wounds that their wives could patch up later.' The word "wounds" is not needed here so I would suggest that you delete it.
'The 9-year-old stood quietly in the back, expressionless, as she watched her favorite Uncle be skinned to death.' This line absolutely caught me off guard with its sheer bluntness and surprising factors. I do have to agree with the last line of this story as well. Keep writing! I loved this