Suspense Practice
Beans. Who even buys these beans?
The fluorescent light buzzed and flickered above me as I stood staring at the only can of beans left. Who even likes beans?
Mother sent me to the store for five cans of beans and here I was in aisle eight staring at the only can of beans left in the whole town. Mother's going to be pissed.
I looked down at the rest of the list. I still had a whole bunch more to go and if I didn't hurry up mother will punish me. I quickly grab the rope and duck tape mother uses for her Projects and go to the checkout.
"Thank you for shopping here, did you find everything you needed?"
I stared at the lady and decided to let the beans go. I nodded.
"Have a nice day." The lady said. Who has a nice day with Mother involved, I wondered?
I walked for several minutes until I stopped at the bus stop and waited.
Who eats so many beans as to leave only one left? Why not take the one left behind? It's not like twenty-five is just too much, but twenty-four is the perfect number.
The bus arrived and I stood up and boarded. The grotesquely obese woman sitting at the wheel nodded as I deposited the money into the machine. Was she the woman who bought the twenty-four cans of beans so I couldn't just get five for dinner this week.
As I sat on the bus as residential houses started to disappear the bus driver kept coming up in my mind. I pictured her in the store ripping the tops of the beans off and swallowing the whole can until there were only a couple of drops over her clothes left. My anger intensified as I thought of mother and her disappointment.
When there was no one left on the bus and we were far from the city I pulled the signaler for the bus to stop and soon we were pulling smoothly up to the side of the road. I slowly got up and walked toward the front. Passing the driver I looked down the stairs and took a deep breath and tripped falling and falling until I was on the wet cement of the street.
"Darling! Are ya okay?" The driver said jumping up and going down the stairs toward me. I didn't respond but all I could think about were the beans.
Mother, I'll bring you those beans tonight.
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,622 Reviews
I'm dying omg
There are still nitpicks, those of which have been pointed out by the previous users, so please make sure you fix that. But other than that *__*
This was so good! I love how something so simple as the can of beans becomes the main focus and how the narrator's thoughts keep coming back to the fact that he's missing four cans of beans. The mentions of his mother and the lack of insight on how she'll react heightens the suspense, as I want to know -- what would she do to the narrator for something that isn't in his control?
I do believe you captured the suspense feel, and you did it in such a humorous way, so I was laughing while I was waiting to know what happens next. This was overall very well done, nicely written, and had a smooth flow. I enjoyed this very much so thank you for sharing.
That was suspense at it's best. You turned such a small issue into a frighteningly disturbing issue. I love the ambiguity of the ending, I get the impression that the son is going to kill that woman who he irrationally believes bought the beans, so he can have them. Wow, you are talented. Although there are a few typos and slight grammatical errors, I'll let them pass. As i trust, being so fluent with your suspense writing you will be able to fix those little things yourself. I love the bluntness of your writing, it is actually quite similar to the way I often write. Those cutting lines you had like; "Mother, I'll bring you those beans tonight." Were the absolute best, I got a major thrill out of reading those. I thoroughly enjoyed what you wrote, I tip my hat for you my friend.
Keep up with the amazing stories
There aren't many who can make such an ordinary event into such a suspensful short, but you did so almost perfectly. You took an event as simple as a trip to the grocery, and made the reader fel the suspense. Will he find four more cans of beans? Is the bus driver the culprit? Just what is the tape for? How will he find more beans? As outlandish as the questions are, the style of the story still made the reader ask them. A job well done on this one. My only complaint is that maybe it was a bit too short, even for a short. I think this could've been expanded on for better detail.
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
This is a really cool and interesting piece, I must say. You accomplished the suspenseful feel remarkably well. I was on edge the whole time whilst reading this, and I didn't even know why. O_O
The storyline should've seemed dull, but you breathed life into it. The stylistic way in which this was told—in order to really get that suspenseful feel—was fun to read and very unique.
The pacing was good, perfect for a suspenseful story. It was slow, to an extent, but not too slow. One thing that can ruin a suspense story is having too fast a pace, which you avoided doing very well.
The closing line was absolutely perfect, and the opening line really drew me in. It's kind of captivating, this story. Surprisingly so.
Well done.
Nitpicks:
Should be "staring," not "starring" (one R instead of two).
Same nitpick as the above.
The T in the bolded word should be lowercase.
The M in "mother" should be capitalized, and there should be a question mark after "wondered" instead of a period.
This too should end with a question mark and not a period.
Comma after "tripped."
The T in the bolded word should be lowercase. Whenever you write a "he said," "she said," or, in this case, "the driver said" following dialogue, you don't need to capitalize the first letter (even if said dialogue ends with a question mark/period/exclamation point).
I think you mean "stairs"?
Should be "were."
Beyond that, this was pretty terrific and VERY suspenseful. Keep up the good work!
*Applauds* Somehow, you made a non-suspenseful plot seem suspenseful.
I've got my eye on you...