I awoke from sleep with a pain deep down in my chest and the worst backache in the world. Of course, the back problem was probably from sleeping on the ground for about 6 hours, but as hard as I tried, I could not figure out why in the world my chest hurt. What had happened to me to make me fall into such a deep, forgetful sleep under this tree of all places? Then suddenly, I remembered: her.
How could I have forgotten her? The only problem was that I had no idea what had actually happened. The last thing I remembered was her deep brown eyes staring into mine with that soul-reading stare and the tingle of her fingernail running down my side and then... Wait. That was it. In that moment, she must have done something to me. I remember her perfectly beautiful face and the feel of her arm under my hand and the faint prick of her nail as it slid down my chest. Down my chest to that one spot where the aching is so deep...
What did she do to me? If that is the last thing I remember, did she somehow make me sleep and erase all my memories? Somehow, I feel as if there was something of grave importance said while I was gone...
Oh, how I wish I could remember.
That sweet beauty and mystery that surrounds her must have put me out like a light at the thought of her. There. With me. On me. Loving me?
Yes, she said she loved me. Has a girl ever told me that in my life?
Then I remember that feeling of knowing her before she killed that other man. She had loved him, too. Then she killed him. Moreover, it was killing her too, to do that to him. So, am I the next victim of this strange mysterious killer woman? She told me that; had she not?
Yes. She loved me, so I had to die. As I thought, I remembered more and more about what had happened before I had… what? Passed out? Who knew? All I know is that I finally remembered the most important thing she had said before she left me to sleep: she would be back.
The first thought that went through my mind was that I had to stay where I was so that she could find me again. She is beautiful; I have a deep desire to have her in such a close situation again, her body so close to mine. I am going to wait until I get her back, and if waiting here is the way to do that, then that is what I am going to do. Then, of course, the obvious thought crossed my mind: no, I cannot stay here. She is coming back, and she told me that she was going to kill me. I had to run. The most dreaded thing any man could ever know is that he has to run and hide from the only woman who ever told him she loved him. Of course, it was my luck that I would lose the hottest girl ever seen, and for no other reason but that she is going to kill me for it.
Why did that feeling come over me to stop here of all places? If he had just had the strength to keep going, to go home, then I would not be in this terrible position. Oh well. Too late for thoughts about the past, I kept telling myself. I have to move, leave here. Get home. That is what I will do. If I can get to where other people are, she cannot possibly harm me.
As I start walking, I remember that strange voice that came over me, practically begging her to love me. Why did I allow that to happen? All of the problems that started in the past seven hours were avoidable had I had more self-control. If I would have had the will to go home, not lie down and rest, stop allowing that voice to talk for me, ask her to leave. Everything might have changed. Oh well. The only thing to do now is keep moving. I just have to focus; the past is done. This is just another thing I have to live with.
In my strange ranting within my own mind, I had forgotten the real world and wandered off the road away from my house. I ended up in a strange area of woods in which I had never been. My friend, Mike, had told me about a place where a house sat in which no one lived, and I had not believed him when he told me that if you went in then you never came out. Yet here I was, in the woods, lost, alone, and in front of a mysterious house fitting his exact description. As I stared, dumbfounded, up at the old, dead house, I began to feel tired and my breathing became more and more shallow. Suddenly, I fell to the ground and was out like a light.
Ugh... Wait. I feel... Strange. Like—
Oh god, this again.
No, this cannot be happening again. Yet, it is. There is my body, sprawled out on the ground. And here I am, staring at it.
Oh no… No. No. No. No. No. There she is again.
Such a beautiful girl… what I would not do to just—
Wait, no. I have to get back in my body and leave, now. She is going to kill me. Here. Now! I know it. Oh god, no. Please do not.
Wait... Can I hear myself out loud?
Oh. My body is mumbling everything I am thinking. Ha, that actually cracks me up.
Wait... No! That means she can hear me.
Oh... She is already listening.
Um.... Hi?
I look down to see if she will reply to my mumbling body below, and she answers.
"Well, hello again. I did not expect that you of all people would go wandering and find my house."
Your house? What? I thought nobody lived here; at least that is what Mike said. I mean—
"Stop your mindless, excuse the joke, ranting and listen. I will not kill you now; I know that was what you were thinking before I mentioned the house. I love you. Remember? I would not want that to end so soon. Just know one thing: you will not tell anyone about me, this house's real purpose, or anything else from tonight. Got it? You will tell everyone that you were tired and accidentally fell asleep while in the park on your way home."
I watched as she slowly lowered herself down in front of my body lying, yes, lifeless, on the ground and sat on my chest.
She is so lovely. If I could just touch—
"I am sorry for your pain last time, but you would not stop mumbling. It would tell people where you were. Now, I do not believe we are acquainted yet. Not in your mind, at least. I am Silvia, and you are Ryan. I have seen you many times, but never have we met. Luckily, we shall meet more than this night, silly boy."
Again, I continued to watch as she bent over to lie against my body and kiss my cheek.
If only I could feel her—
"Now you may come back to your body."
I felt pulled and swirled around, and, suddenly, I was inside my body again, lying there on the ground beneath her. She sat up, but continued to sit on my chest. I stared into her eyes again, and her gaze pulled me in until that voice began to take over my body again. I had no force to stop it at all.
"Well, I believe that this is an excellent moment."
She laughed and replied, "Well, yes. However, there will be none of that this time. Keep your mindless adolescent mumbling internal. Be mature please." She laughed and softly placed her scarlet fingernail on my lips to stop them.
"There." Then I felt a strange sensation of being dragged against gravity into the sky and dropped. Only to fall into an endless pit in the dark, damp night.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Hi Dhendon! I hath returned for Chapter Two-
) or to basically just add to the plot. Make sure something new happens each chapter. If not, it may bore the readers a bit, and we don't want that! So just try and make sure events follow each other properly.
So as in the last chapter, a strong point is your style. You have a really good way of including humour and seriousness to this, which is really good! I learned a bit more about the characters, and the fact that Ryan is slightly too hormonal, but still, at least it adds to the story. This does work with the previous chapter, however, I don't really see the plot moving on, I'll go into detail later on.
Starting with character- like I said before you've done a great job with characterisation however this is more specific to just the MC. I like how I learn about him through his actions and thoughts, but I don't know what he looks like yet which is quite important. As for the girl, I'm not really sure who she is, why she's there and anything about her really other than she seems to be trouble. Also, she's a murderer? What? I just think a lot of the time things are left unclear, which makes things a bit confusing. Some other things I'd also like to mention is that we don't understand why they are doing things all the time? She's a murderer, it's gotta be more than a pretty face as to why he likes her. Try and add more depth to it, maybe there's a backstory to this.
Going back to the plot, my main concern is just that it's not really progressing here. I mean we do learn a bit more about the characters, but there's not real big thing that happens here. I think it' important that with each new chapter you should try and leave some sort of cliff hanger at the end, (which you have here
Overall, again, this was really cool! You have a great style or writing which keeps me as a reader feeling very intrigued and wanting to know more. Things that concerned me a little is actually pretty similar to the last chapter- it's not always clear what's going on. You as the writer may not the whole plot, but we don't! So make sure to include every little detail. I hope this review helped, PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.
Keep writing!
-Arc x
I don't know who is more pathetic, Ryan or Silvia. Ryan is a bit too hormonal to the point that his sense of logic is messed up. I mean the guy is in so much deep trouble and he only thinks about how attractive she is to him. What's even more stupid of him is that he manages to humour himself from time to time and I think that is just plain stupid. For me this is like watching horror movie where the main character is a nosy reporter or something. Both he or she and the ghost are both idiots that I don't sympathise with either of them. At this moment in time Ryan has dug himself into his grave, it seems, and so I conclude he is one of those stupid characters that find trouble. When people get themselves into trouble out of their own stupidity I usually just sit back and laugh at their troubles.
Now onto Silvia. She is in one word: slut. I mean provocative would be a better word. Or maybe she is just extremely evil and she is only acting this way to play on Ryan's weakness of being attracted to her. I mean that would certainly explain her attempt to brush of his lust and sit on his chest. I am curious as to exactly who is she is now. Her very existence seems a suspicion. I am beginning to think that she might not even be real. After all there is only the two of them. I would say a third person is needed to judge the situation.
Okay before I start I would like to say that the Italics in this writing seem much better then the previous chapter. To clear up my point a little, the Italics in the first chapter "jumped" from scene to scene while these italics where focused on one thing at a time. It wasn't so jumbled up and the imagery for the point that was Italiized was there so the reader could imagine more clearly.
The flow of this chapter is much better then chapter one aswell. This one is even more natural and develops the story nicely. The errors include little nitpicks, most likely, but nothing that seemed major.
Content stayed the same,
For this chapter review:
6/6 structure
6/6 content
5/6 emotion
YWS ImHero
Hi, Dehendon! Reviewing chapter two now.
Have I told you in my previous review about how great of a writer you are? Oh, silly me, I haven't! I absolutely love your style, and I don't know if it's because of my personal preference or not, but nonetheless, I love it. Your writing style is a perfect balanced mix of humor, story progression, and muse. Ooh, and let's not forget the pinch of romance and mystery, hm? I actually giggled when Ryan (finally we know his name!) was mumbling out loud; haha, silly boy!
This lovely chapter was written so well, I really don't have much to say about it. I feel like your descriptions were even better here than the first, and that's good; it means you're improving. However, it would be great if you can describe mysterious Silvia. Ryan says she's like the hottest chick in the world, but what's that to him? So, is his version of physical attraction require small, slim bodies with dark hair and honey eyes, or is it curvy and flourished with blonde hair and blue eyes? Although you did a great job in getting at his head, you could always hit a homerun and go the extra mile to make it even better.
Also, another very minor nitpick, but it kind of bothered me with my OCD, lol:
If the number is less than three words long, then the English language will rule to type it all out. So, instead of saying 6, say six. Not only does it look better, but it's easier on the eyes, too.
Anyways, this chapter really intrigued me and I can most definitely not back away now. Like usual, keep writing!
~Carina
Hi! Here for a review!
You switch to present tense here, when you had been previously using past tense.
I think you mean the hottest girl "I'd" ever seen, and I think that the fact that this girl is going to kill him is a pretty good reason to be running form her. You make it sound like this is something trivial, but to me, that's a big turn off haha.
You switch to third person here all of a sudden.
If the strange voice came over him, its not exactly like he allowed it right?
This is really random and sudden. You should try to come up with a little better segway into this section, because it sounded odd and a little convenient.
Overall, this has some pretty great ideas in it. You just need to be a little consistent in your tenses and your writing overall. Also, what do the characters look like? What is your main characters background? Why does he talk to himself so much? Little things about why your character completes certain actions can really help make your story that much better.
Keep writing, hope this helps! Let me know if you've got questions.
~*Hope
Yeah, I originally had this in third person, but I ended up changing it. I keep going back through and finding tense problems I didn't fix, so I'll go through again.
Thanks for the comments, it is lovely indeed. I'm doing editing soon on these chapters, so I will definitely use your comments.
Love it! Great idea, and very original! I really love the way you are making these sentences flow together, and I can't wait to read more! The characters are developing beautifully. You are also doing an awesome job at describing what is going on and putting detail into the situation. Great emotion, excited for the next chapter. As always, good luck to you and your writing.