I woke up facing what could aptly be named the worst headache of a lifetime, but I quickly moved past that issue as I looked around at an unfamiliar room. Where had I ended up after yesterday? The last thing I remembered was meeting Silvia again, at what was apparently her house in the woods. For the life of me, which very well may be in question, I cannot figure out where I am. As with every time I have awoken in the past day, I have no memory of the prior situation, but if I have learned anything from last time, the more I think about that unknown, unfamiliar time, the more I will remember.
Hm… let’s start with the last thing I remember and go from there. The last thing I remember is… nothing. Why don’t I remember anything? Okay, then I’ll just start with something I do know like… video games! I have one guy who is the coolest guy ever, and he is super fast and can shoot fire from his hands. He kills people and blows things up, and his super powers—
Houston, I have found the problem. That girl… Silvia. She is like my commander guy because she kills people and has superpowers. Well, at least she says she has superpowers. Well, sort of. She can hide her house, put a barrier around an area to block people out, but somehow I break them. Does that mean I have superpowers?
No, I’m just a boy who had played way too many video games and now I must leave. Except, again, I have no idea where I am. Maybe some random person found me when I was knocked out and took me home and—
I am inside Silvia’s house aren’t I? That would be exactly my luck. I am inside Silvia's house. I am in a bed in Silvia's house. It is a very comfortable bed, but it is in Silvia's house!
I climbed out of the bed, continuing to work out how to leave this house. Of course, I just want to leave through the door, walk away, and never come back. The problem is that my logical side decided to point out that I had no clue where I am or how to leave. For all I know, Silvia is sitting outside the door waiting for me. Wouldn’t that just be the worst thing that could happen right now? Here I am wondering how to leave here and escape this crazy situation I’ve gotten into, and she would simply bypass all my efforts to ignore the last day by waiting outside a door.
As I continued to ponder other means of exiting this room and this house with the least trouble and death threats possible, I started to climb out of bed and pace around the room. I was in the secret house of some random girl who killed people, and I needed out. Sounded like a video game to me… But doesn’t everything sound like a video game to me?
To make the situation even more unbelievable, I started to believe that I was in love with this girl as well. She loved me, she said so herself, and who was I to believe she was lying. She had taken me into her house and given me a room and a bed, maybe I should be thankful rather than fearful. Instead of leaving, should I do and thank her for her kindness? If I loved her, could I stay with her despite my knowledge of her killer side?
I decided to ignore this final question for the moment and focus, instead, on the current task: leaving this house. Clearly, this is not the place I should be, especially if I was considering staying with a psychopathic killer who wanted me dead. Somehow, I needed to leave without her knowing, or I might end up giving into that voice inside me that wanted to stay.
Looking around the room, I noticed the simplicity of the house. This was oddly simple for a girl. Don’t girls generally have unnecessary decorations everywhere? Girls are supposed to have nineteen pillows on the bed, each one covered in lace. The walls should be an abnormal combination of words that mean some normal looking color. The floor should have an intricately designed rug that feels dreadful. There should be a decorative blanket on a throw blanket on a thick blanket on the comforter. The lighting should be able to bring out feelings of happiness with a hint of laughter with a side of genuine homeliness. None of this is the case.
As I examined the room for any sense of the normal, I noticed that the room not only did not follow a girly decorative style, but it also is not like a holding cell. What logic was there in this room?
No black windowless walls surround this room. The lights are not dimmed to make the dweller feel agony in every sight. The air is not filled with poison in order to kill me slowly. Instead, there are two windows, fully accessible, a comfortable bed for sleeping, and other normal furnishings. What is with this room?
Then, I realized that this room is not meant for company. Silvia told me that the house is protected, and people never see the house unless she wants them too. For some reason, she wanted me to find her house, though apparently the timing was unexpected. She must not have finished this room, but I must have rushed her plans through my wandering. Since I found her house early, she rushed to finish what she could so that I could stay here. Now I see it. That is the last thing she placed in this room before letting me in here. There it is, alone, on the desk in the corner: a letter.
Now that I have noticed this letter, I have a problem. Or multiple problems. Problem one: there is a letter with my name in the house of a woman who kills people she loves. Problem two: there is a heart on this envelope next to my name. Problem three: I keep opening this envelope even though I find so many things wrong with this situation.
Despite my continued problems, I finish opening the envelope and take out the pink letter inside. The color choice seems oddly out of character, but I suppose I will ignore that for the moment. I unfold the letter, and as I do so, I feel that voice come over me again. The difference was, this time, it wasn’t the voice, just the feeling of self-confidence and carelessness that accompanies it. As I read the first line, of the letter, I find the reasoning for the oddly uncharacteristic pink paper. Along with this realization, I get a little more insight into the mysterious personality of Silvia, but from then on, the amusement was over because the explanation began.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,312 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
Hey Dhendon! I'm sure you know the drill by now
What I liked about this is I finally feel it's getting some depth with the link to the video game! I thought that was extra good because in the first chapter it says he loves video games and now his life is almost becoming like a video game, it's really cool! Again, good style of writing although now I'm noticing some issues with it.
It's just that at first I thought it was really good but now it's becoming a tad tedious (talking about the thoughts of the MC). Using a stream of conciseness is a really cool technique, however should not be used the whole time. The main message I@m trying to say here is that you need to vary everything! I think I mentioned this in chapter one, but make sure that it's not all one thing- otherwise it becomes a bit boring.
Secondly, although you've got this slight videogame-link aspect here now, the story line is a bit flat. It's just one thing happening between only two characters. It's not a complete problem, but it just needs to be executed properly. It's really hard to do this with just two characters, I totally understand, but I just want to know more about them I guess. I'd love to see a back story (not sure if that comes up in later chapters) but still.
Sort of linked to not keeping everything the same, I'd really like to see some more imagery and description. In previous chapters you do this quite well, but I felt in this one it was quite missing. Remember to talk about the setting a bit more. I'd like to know more about Silvia's house. I may have mentioned this before, but using the five senses is a great place to start for describing these things! This is so the reader will get more of a feel of things, and get a better picture in their heads.
One more thing is that Ryan seems like a hormonal, boring character. What did he do before he met this girl? Apart from play video games, that can't be all he did with his life. And now he's basically dropping everything to be with her. What are the repercussions of this? What makes her so special? I'm still wondering about these things.
Lastly, something specific:
This doesn't really sound right, I mean does there need to be a logic in how a room is decorated? I don't really get it.
In summary, this was a good chapter. I like the fact you've added some new links to it like the video game thing, however I'm slightly concerned that right now all there is to the plot is just a love story. Also remember to add in some imagery when you can. I hope this review helped, PM me if you have any questions~
Keep writing!
-Arc x
This is a very interesting change. For one thing no Silvia, its simply him and his stupid ramblings, yes that is what I have named them. In fact as I read further on, that beautiful scene in chapter 6 and 7 is being crumpled. I mean at this speed he literally falls in love with this girl of no apparent reason. In fact the romance side of this is so miniscule. But on the other hand the crazy and serial killing atmosphere is on an all time high. There is something extremely creepy about everything that Silvia seems to be. Living alone in the woods. Having rooms prepared for strangers. Being seductive (or Ryan is just horny) and proclaiming her love to strangers and inviting them into her home. I mean this definitely spells crazy serial killing slut to me.
What I am curious about is this element of video games and super powers. Which is real. Is it in fact something to do a video game being played out or is it that he is stuck in a video game. Could it be that there are in fact super powers in play? I am very curious to the logical explanation that awaits later on. Certainly I hope to get the ambiguous side of this cleared up otherwise it is just going to be too creepy.
Heyya! Here for the third chapter~
Basically, Ryan has this weird power thing that bypasses Silvia's power, and somehow, someway, she loves him, and he doesn't know if he loves her back. They're barely acquaintances--heck, their last conversation was her introducing herself--and although she's like super attractive and claims to love him, he's torn about what his next move should be. Silvia, for reasons unknown until the next chapter (right, riiiight?), will kill anyone who she loves.
This was a relatively short and quick chapter, so this time I'll tell you my thoughts on your story so far.
So, what is Ryan going to do now? He's in her house that she protects and hides with her power, and he's so confused. What's in this letter? Is everything going to be explained? Is this just another dream, or is he in some virtual reality video game? ('Cause, really, even he wondered what hottie is going to love some game nerd like him, haha.)
This plot is unique and pretty original, and I'm liking it so far. I think the only thing that bothers me is how loose the characters "love" each other. I know it varies person-to-person, but to me, love takes months if not years to build. But hey, they're young, they're wild, and maybe they had something in the past. It's all going to be revealed soon, no?
Anyways, as usual, continue on writing! I'm looking forward to see what the letter says.
~Carina
Hi! Here for a review...
The beginning of this chapter is a bit awkward. You've got a nice steam of consciousness thing going on, but you need a bit more flow in order to make it sound right.
Also, you switch from present to past tense several times, making it kind of hard to follow. You need to pick one and try to stick with it. I would reread your chapter over and find the places where you have the shift in tense and then fix them so that the entire work flows much better.
This should end with a question mark.
Instead of "do" I think you meant "go".
Seems pretty good so far, as long as you work out some of the awkwardness in the sentence structures etc. You've got an interesting idea, and I'm intrigued as to what's going on.
Hope this helps!
~*Hope
Thank you! I realize my tenses are weird, and I will definitely fix that when I go back for editing. Glad you like it!
great ! great structure and use of words. I love the way! its excellent and good use of adjectives. i want to read more of your excellent work! your such a great writer and i want to read more of your fantastic work! i love they its set out and i love the way you have used speech and punctuation. Please post more of your work and give everybody the pleasure of reading it!
This story has great potential, it's just a tad bit hard to follow at times. For instance, while I was reading thee last paragraph, I kept scratching my head because the wording was a bit strange. That might just be me though. Another thing I had a problem with is your throwaway usage of the word love. Love is a complicated feeling and people feel different types of love for different people. Try explaining how he feels instead of just calling it love, inject that word with some life. you could say that his heart lurched whenever he thought of her eyes or that his fingers got all sweaty when he remembered how her voice sounded when she told him she loved him, something like that, just don't come right out and say it. We are talking about how a guy is falling in love with his potential killer, make it more lifelike. All in all I thought it was a fantastic read.
Very good point about the love aspect. I'll look to changing that around a bit. Thanks!