The night air was muggy and moist and breathing was becoming difficult. I was heading home from Matt's house where we had just finished the biggest video game competition of our lives. Video games are my life, and luckily, I have a best friend whose life is also centered on the violent struggle of characters in a superpower charged world. Too bad, I do not have superpowers, and then I could just be home. Then again, this is another reason I really wish I had a car.
Suddenly, my ramblings and complaints were brought to an end as a new issue arose. I began growing tired and weak, and I am sure I am not too out of shape to walk home. Oxygen is no longer circulating through my body, and I am certain my lungs worked properly just a few steps ago. It feels like water is filling my lungs, and yet, I feel like there is no way that this can kill me. Now either I have been playing too many video games, and I think I have a respawn option, or I am going mentally insane believing that I cannot die.
Perhaps my wish came true, and I am getting superpowers or a sixth sense. That is it! A narrator will announce everything. "Ryan has suddenly been granted his wish for superpowers through a sixth sense for danger! How will he use his powers? Play the game to find out!"
On the other hand, maybe I have just been playing too many video games. Yeah, that definitely has to be the case. Even if this is not a superpower sense, I still do not understand why I cannot breathe effectively. Breathing tends to be useful, but since my lungs do not agree that breathing should happen, I guess I will just rest for a few minutes.
Upon deciding that I should rest, I sat down on the ground next to a tree and leaned back against it. Breathing still did not seem to be my strong suit, so I closed my eyes and dosed off.
Am I dreaming? I guess I am in one of those things they call lucid dreams. That means I can control things, right? Let me test that theory. Tree, lift!
I am waiting, tree.
Okay, fine. I guess this is not a lucid dream, or else I suck at controlling it. I just do not understand—
WOAH! Is that me? No, of course not. That is not how this works. This is not one of those horror stories where I turn into a ghost, find my own body, realize I was wrong in life, and go repent. Then again, that is my body I see dosing next to that tree. No, this must be a coincidence. I am insane, that is the problem. I just happen to imagine that I am looking at my own body lying under a tree in the exact position I laid down in.
Oh, no. That is too coincidental; something is completely screwed up with this right now. I should not be looking at my own body on the ground—
Oh look, a girl. I like girls, and she is extremely pretty. She even has this lovely body. If I had control of my body right now, I would—
What is she doing? Is that another man? Darn it, I was so excited. All the things I could have done with her—
Huh? Oh my god! She just stabbed him. Why did she just stab him? Am I in the presence of a murderer? Well, my body is unknowingly and unwillingly in the presence of a killer. My consciousness on the other hand would prefer to return to that body and get the heck out of here. Otherwise, I might be the next victim. I could be on TV on one of those crime shows, but that seems counterproductive at the moment.
Wait. Did she just fall? There are clearly no tree roots or limbs, no invisible walls, no trip wires. Why did you just fall?
You fell because you are in pain? What sense does that make? You killed him.
Okay, you loved him. If you loved him, why did you kill him?
Wait. She loved him...
What is wrong with me? How can I tell this? I have never met this girl and yet somehow I just understood everything she was thinking and basically had an imaginary conversation with her. Unless I am insane.
Okay, so I am not insane.
Wait, I just did it again. I just understood what she was thinking because she clearly did not talk to me. What happened to me to make me float around outside my body and understand the thoughts of unknown girls? If I could understand the thoughts of girls, I would have had a girlfriend a long time ago.
Anyway, girlfriends or lack thereof aside, I need to go back to that lifeless body, and I need to leave now. The only problem is I do not know how to do—
I woke up and gasped almost silently, but apparently not silently enough. That strange girl somehow heard me, and, judging by the strange events and, probably, my overplaying of video games, I am highly considering the probability of her having supersonic hearing or some other alien power.
While I was debating her alien status, she wandered towards me, and my logical mind finally kicked in and told me that I did not want to stay here. I tried to disappear from sight through some forced invisibility or something, but if the strange occurrences within the past few minutes had been special powers, they obviously did not work that way, or else they did not like me.
She was looking dead into my eyes as she walked to stand directly in front of me. I was still lying as I had awoken, with my legs spread out and my body slumped against the tree. If I had ever seen a sexy pose meant to impress a woman, this was definitely not it. She looked me up and down and, as she continued staring into my eyes, slowly bent down and sat right on my legs.
"Well, what do we have here? Some sort of wanderer? No. I had special boundaries set up around this area so that no one could find me. Hmm... You must be special," She said as she continued to sit there, much like an elegant dancer, staring into my eyes as if she could see my soul. I felt the need to run drain out my body, and I relaxed and allowed her to sit there on my legs. It was actually rather exhilarating, having a girl this close to me. Maybe I should have gained my mind reading powers earlier on.
She slowly lifted her hand to rest it upon my cheek. Her touch was warm against my skin, and I felt a desire to have her continue to touch me. As she glanced me over one more time, she let her hand fall down my side to sit on her lap again.
I felt as if I should say something and when I opened my mouth to speak, it was as if someone else was controlling the words. Despite this loss of control, I felt no need to panic about the consequences of these unfamiliar words. Most other guys would be at a complete loss in the circumstances of the moment, but somehow I was as calm as ever. I almost wanted to hold her and tell her just how beautiful she was. If the current close circumstances did not scare all other men, my last thought certainly would. What kind of real man thinks about a girl like that after meeting once? That mushy stuff is saved for years after marriage when the fun is gone.
"I think that this is a very special moment," the uncontrollable voice that came from my mouth said. The girl looked rather surprised at these words, and I suddenly began to repent letting this voice speak for me, until she turned a loving look on me and replied.
"Yes, it is. Unfortunately, you saw what just happened here, and that means that you cannot live."
She must have seen the surprised look flash across my face in the brief moment I had control, so she continued to explain herself. "I have a standard in which I do not kill anyone unless I love him or her enough to do so. Fortunately for me, not so for you, I have found a connection in this moment, and I am able to end our bond.”
My surprise from earlier was gone, and instead, I became complacent. I had only one request. As the voice continued to speak, I lost all reasonable control, and I simply sat back and watched the events unfold.
"If I must die, then I want something in return first," I told her in that unknown voice.
At this, the girl lifted her hand from her lap again and ran her scarlet fingernail down my side as if a loving dagger waiting for the kill. I raised my hand and moved her dark brown, softly curled hair from her face and moved my hand down her perfectly poised arm as my eyes glanced over her body from moist red lips to perfectly teasing body until I was looking at my legs again. Slowly I turned my face to look into her eyes again and was surprised by a sudden and urgent kiss from those loving lips. From then on, that breathless feeling returned and I lost conscientiousness.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hiya Dhendon! Here for the review as requested, sorry for the delay~
Okay, so starting with strong points, I thought your characterisation was really good. I thought the interior monologue was really cool- I mean the majority was interior monologue. Sometimes I've seen this make a piece really boring, however because what the MC had to say was interesting, this worked really well, so well done! Also, you had a really good description here:
Just thought I'd mention it, because it's really cool!
Now for improvements. Tenses. I've seen this has already been mentioned, so I'll try and be a bit more specific here. The first paragraph is in the past tense and then following is in the present- and past that it gets mixed up a bit. I know that tenses can be really tricky, but I say just pick either past or present and work on it. Personally, I'd say choose the past tense simply because it's easier, but it is up to you- it doesn't really make much of a difference anyways. I'm going to leave it there for now, but if you need specific help with tenses please PM me!
Secondly, I thought the dream bit got quite confusing. I wasn't expecting it to be so long and I got a bit confused while reading it. Showing dreams in prose can be really hard, and I think with this you could rather than focus on every detail of what's going on- use imagery to describe it better. We don't want the details of what's going on, but maybe of what everything looks like.
Lastly, a few specific things. I didn't really get when the dream ended and when the real stuff started happening. That might just be me being a bit slow, but it was all a big confusing. Just remember to take time to explain everything a bit clearer.
The car bit just seems a bit random and out of place.
I don't really get this because surely everyone can breath?
All in all, this was a really good chapter one! You did a really good job with your characterisation, and the interior monologue was fabulous because you managed to add humour and interesting aspects to it, so well done. Something to really watch out for is tenses, and remember with these sorts of things practise makes perfect. Next steps would be to add some more interesting descriptions with the setting- especially in the dream, and to make sure things are properly described. Sorry if this review was a bit rubbish, please PM me if you have any questions and I shall be getting on with the next chapter!
Keep writing!
-Arc x
For the first half I was not completely into it. This was because I kept waiting for the atmosphere I felt in chapter 6 and 7 to set in. But hey I didn't. Instead I began to realise that the whole theme was slightly different. There was absolutely no love. Instead the focus was on supposed super powers. The descriptions were very good.
I would strongly advice that you break up long pieces of speech. That part where his is floating around talking to himself lasted so long it began to drag on a bit too much. I feel as though it would have been better off being shorter. I am still quite confused by the nature of the events. Was the girl stabbing someone else and he witnessed it or was she coming to stab him.
Also I have to say the main character seems to have some sort of issue with his hormones because he seems to radiate this desperation to get laid. Anyhow, as far as beginnings go this is very intriguing. What is good for me is I know how it turns out later, so it makes it very interesting watching the events pan out and I am very curious to see how things turn towards chap 6 and 7.
Also I would mind your choice of words. At times I feel as though you word selections stunt the flow of the writing and bring the reader to an awkward pause. You should have written this chapter so that the words flowed dreamily, that way it would have complimented the theme of him supposedly dreaming.
Hey, ImHero here to review!
So the writing here is not perfect but you satisfied the two main goals: 1) keep it interesting, 2) develop the story.
Structure:
What I have to say can be debatable to some but it is about how you presented the story. There was one, where the lines literally wrote what the narrator was feeling but neglected to flow in a way that it was easy to read by the reader, and the other had the 'standard' way the stories are often written.
i.e.
"Wait. Did she just fall? There are clearly no tree roots or limbs, no invisible walls, no trip wires. Why did you just fall?
You fell because you are in pain? What sense does that make? You killed him.
Okay, you loved him. If you loved him, why did you kill him?
Wait. She loved him..."
example of the standard:
"I felt as if I should say something and when I opened my mouth to speak, it was as if someone else was controlling the words. Despite this loss of control, I felt no need to panic about the consequences of these unfamiliar words. Most other guys would be at a complete loss in the circumstances of the moment, but somehow I was as calm as ever. I almost wanted to hold her and tell her just how beautiful she was. If the current close circumstances did not scare all other men, my last thought certainly would. What kind of real man thinks about a girl like that after meeting once? That mushy stuff is saved for years after marriage when the fun is gone."
_____________Verdict?_______________
The problem with the first one is it does make it harder for the reader to understand. You are jumping from one thing to another, like you would think but there is nothing telling the reader, what exactly is going on? You are not taking the time necessary to properly lay out the foundation of the story and the emotions behind the thoughts, these things are needed for a visual and for the reader to put themselves into the story.
The other thing is having two of these looses all consistency in the way you write. You are suppose to have a flow from page one to page infinity; you can't simply Italics them or bold them when you change how you write the story, you need to stay writing in the same way.
_______
Another problem was your intro didn't wow me. People generally spend the most time on their intro so they can transition into the story and it creates a standard for you to do better. The practical reason to work on your intro is because its the sample, the first lines the reader reads when they decide if they like your book.
_
In general the chapter seems to be written to quickly. At parts the imagery is lacking and the story seems exactly that a story, and something that is not real and jumping off the page.
___
I always break my reviews into two parts. That is structure or how the writing is presented and the second content, or the meaning behind it and the "whys." Well in simple the meaning would be for kids and not to solve a world problem, so this would be quite simple to explain and not take TO long.
So the content is very imaginative for people in around middle school, so the language is appropriate and simple. It often hints toward the feelings of maturity but doesn't quite cross the line of being inappropriate for young adults. What it does do is allow them to relate to the writing, in a totally natural way. The content is something, if done right, be a book one day so congrats on finding a nice original idea.
________
Review:
Structure/flow: 3/6
-- inconsistency
Emotion: 6/6
-the use of properly illustrating maturity
Content: 6/6
- nice original idea
Thank you for the request to review your writing. I am happy to do and you can message me any time for anything.
YWS ImHero
Hey there Dhendon! I've finally gotten to your review. It's also appropriately timed for review day! How exciting! Go team blue!
Anyway, your characterization is great. You get a strong feel for your character's personality, and it's easy to tell that your story is going to be entertaining. You do a good job pacing the story so that by the end we are left wanting more. The main character's powers are not overwhelmingly awesome, in fact, he's not even sure what they do. That also makes his powers a flaw, nicely done! The first chapter really gets you excited to be reading about this character.
Now then, I will say you switch tenses every now and then. The story starts off in past tense, and then changes to present tense narration. You need to set one tense and keep it the same through the whole story. I was also slightly confused, the introduction of the power, and the antagonist were a little too sudden. You may want to consider having these two events happen separately to help your pacing, but that's entirely up to you.
I look forward to reading more, Dhendon! You're a great writer, and you have a knack for characterization. Keep up the awesome work. If you ever have any questions about writing mystery/suspense/horror, don't hesitate to ask! I love the genres, and I especially love talking about them. Good luck, and keep writing!
Darn... every time I do a revision, I try to fix tense problems and always keep more. I am trying to keep present tense, but that gets challenging at times since most stories are told slightly past tense. Now I know to go back and look for tenses again, thanks!
Hi there! This story looked interesting, so I'll be reviewing all your chapters.
First off, you did a phenomenal job in portraying character voice and tone! Your style is unique and you really made sure to dig into the character, letting the words flow out of his head. It was also pretty funny; I smiled and chuckled at a few parts at the narrations. Especially the, "Tree, lift! ... I am waiting, tree," part. XD I liked how you introduced the whole video game aspect. The moment you brought it up, I immediately liked the narrator, haha. Anywhos, I don't believe you have mentioned his name yet. It's not a big deal, but if possible, try to get it fit in the first chapter somehow.
So, is there room for improvement? Of course; a piece is never completely perfect! Although you did great descriptions, you can jazz it up more by adding the five senses in: sight, smell, sound, touch, and taste. When the narrator is going into his new "power," try spicing it up and add in what he saw, or what he heard, et cetera, et cetera. Surely his visioned blackened and blurred, and his stomach twisted and knotted, and his ears rang and rang, and his body was numb and burning for something he couldn't reach, and all he could hear was his deafening heart beat: thu tump, thu thump, thu thump. Adding little sensory details like that really makes the story pulse and come alive, doesn't it?
Also, this isn't really a big deal and is only just a really minor nitpick, but you forgot a comma:
Again, not a big deal, but it's the very first sentence of the chapter, and little things like that can make the reader a bit confused.
Overall, however, you did an excellent job in writing this and I look forward to reading more. Just remember to slow down and make sure you didn't skip a single detail and not rush into things. Keep writing! You have lots of potential.
~ Carina
Wow! Super thanks! I actually had this revised recently and added better details and more descriptions. I also had a major revamp of his consciousness and added the tree part and such, so I am glad that the change was appropriate. I'll definitely take these comments into consideration in future revisions! Thank you!!
I loved your descriptions.
You are a very promising writer. The story you've crafted here is so unique, so beautiful and makes me want to read more. Just cut back on some of the needless descriptions, and run a spell check and this is going to be great.
Well done. You've hooked me in
Hello Danceingtreeelf her for a review.
Your story is defiantly an eye catcher and a very good read. I love the way you have started off, but you probably should have made this a prologue and not the first chapter or explained and described more. But i will admit I have to agree with gauravkundu32 with the POV you are very talented and I do hope to see you write more of this story. The grammar is very good as well where for some writes that is there downfall. But like I said the only big problem I saw was that you need to give more than you did.Also in the last line is he losing his personal will or is he suppose to be losing consciousness,or awareness? I hope to see more soon and keep up the good work.
Hello there! A Boy from The Future is here for a short review of this work-
I am not much experienced as I am a newbie here so I won't be able to do a grammar review instead I am going to say something about the story and the characters.
At First, the story is very interesting and you've succeeded in creating suspense. I am too curious to know more about the protagonist. I also like the first person view. As this is the first chapter and not prologue I think you should tell more about the character at least the name. I like the way you've handled the situation and I can say this gonna a fantastic story. I have many questions in my mind which I think, will be cleared as the story proceeds. Well done .
With best wishes
Keep Writing
-gauravkundu32-