Disaster Zone: Chapter Four: The Letter

Hey Dhendon, here to review chapter four!

Well I agree with the other's in saying that this was a cool turn of events, and not really something I was expecting. I like how you've added more depth to the characters of Silvia now, and by using a really cool theme too! I like the use of a letter here to explain things as it adds a change and that's always quite important in a story so that it doesn't really bore the reader too much.

Aside from the letter, this chapter was actually rather short, quite like your other one's. Although something quite big happened in this chapter, a concern for me with all of your chapter's so far is just that not enough is happening in each one. I mean in this there's a letter explaining Silvia's antics, and then he goes downstairs and that's about it. I'm not sure if you're just doing this currently for reader's of YWS' convenience so it's not too long, but yeah. I think you need to include more plot info in each chapter. The pacing right now of the whole story is going really slow, we're on chapter four and nothing big has actually happened yet.

Another thing that bothered me here is the letter from Silvia just doesn't seem natural enough. Is that really how she talks? If so, we don't really know this because in previous chapters we don't really know what she talks like and how she acts. The whole idea of the letter just seemed a bit odd- I think it's a really cool idea to include in your story but why did she have to write a letter? Why couldn't she just tell him all these things? I think you need to explain this a bit more clearer. i get that she's supposed to be this mysterious lady, but we really don't know enough about her. I think you should just try and be including more dialogue from her and how she speaks etc.

Also, I think it's pretty odd that Ryan is just totally cool that she's a killer. I've mentioned this before, but I really want to know what is drawing him to her. And she says that she's not going to kill him, but how can he trust her like that? They haven't really been together for that long, and there could be some unbreakable connection between them however we don't really learn that from the writing here.

To sum up, this was a good addition to the story, and the first time you've really added something big and interesting to the plot. The length of this is rather short, so I'd like to see some more plot info, or maybe even to add some more descriptions. What does the house look like? You begin to explain it here, but I'd like to know more! Hope this review helped, PM me if you have any questions!

Keep writing!
-Arc x

Ahh, what an interesting turn of events. So apparently she is not crazy but simply a damsel in distress or should say one who refuses to be in distress but on an adventure. Either way you have certainly lifted the lid on the questions bugging me before. I like the explanations provided but I have to say there is an underlying abnormality to this. She writes a letter and waits downstairs. This seems like one of those crazy horror stories where the person is being prepared for cooking. Certainly he does.

I have to say that Ryan must have had a crap life because he has too easily accepted his situation. There was no sorrow or struggling on his part to come to terms with his predicament. She tells him he can't get out and he is like "I get to spend it with her". Great, nothing wrong with that at all.

I still find it silly that he has not seen the obvious flaw in her explanation. She claim she is stuck yet how was she able to place the barriers, how was she outside when he was at the tree and why does she kill people. She is clearly not an ordinary woman stuck in a forest, she does many creepy things. I am surprised that he hasn't noticed yet.

I think you ought to focus on Ryan's emotions a bit more. I feel as though you are exploring enough of them. Its always geared towards him being accepting of the situation. Surely there must be some shock.

this stuff is good! ur letter to ryan was awesome........i myself read it twice.....coz i loved it.

starting of the letter is so sweet that i wanna read it continously in a loop. ur concept of disappearing behind woods is grt! i mean firstly i felt that this is a concept of evil dead or wrong turn but i was wrong it is truly ur creation. so sorry! and my damn thoughts!


this para took my breath away, i was sitting tight in one position.....in this thought that what will happen now........grt stuff!

[After I had wandered in this loop for hours, I just sat down and lost all hope, and this is where your incidents fit in. As soon as I sat down, I was plucked out of my body much as you are when you feel such a loss of consciousness. In this moment, a voice came and talked to me, and this voice told me that I was no longer to reside in the human world. As confused and scared as I was, I was pulled back to my body which left the voice to disappear. After this night, I was never able to return to that voice.
]


overall grt stuff! keep writing four bournvilles for ur extra sweet work!

Hi! Carina here to review the fourth chapter now.

I didn't expect the story to jerk towards this way, and that's good. It means you're keeping the reader on its toes and making sure to throw a curveball in when the time is right. I really like the whole falling-into-a-parallel-world-together-and-not-even-knowing-it; it reminds me of the award winning movie Inception. (Have you seen it? If not, watch it, and you'll see what I mean!)

Although the concept is good, it has been played a few times, but no worries--basically every story has been written out before. The only thing that makes the story original is the author's words. So, make this story bleed with details and originality and every other little thing the readers will want to soak up with their little eyes. Personally, I like the humor you've written into it, but only do it when it's relevant.

Speaking of relevancy, make sure you take one step at a time and avoid rushing into events. Yeah, I'd be excited if I saw some attractive guy come up to me and was like, "Yeeeahhh, adventure!" but how lame would that sound, huh? Dig into Ryan's mind some more, pull out every single dirty detail--tell it, write it, type it, tell us the story. Make the story pulse and come alive, and watch it stretch its back and crawl into the thick plotline that I'm sure you've hungrily plotted in your head. However, before the story can crawl into that thick plotline, it must do what other predators do: it must be stealthy, and it must be quiet, and then, POUNCE! All the excitement will come after enough suspense, right?

Sorry if my metaphor was bad. XD All I'm trying to say is: take a deep breath, and pretend you're Ryan. If you're Ryan, what would you think? What would you say? What would you do? Consider every thought and action, and don't dismiss a single one unless it's not relevant.

But so far, this story is heading on to the right direction. Hey now, Dhendon, I'm in the dark here; I have no idea what's going to happen next, so you gotta write some more so I could read it and find out!

As usual, keep writing! Let me know when the next chapter's out.

~Carina

”Excuse the pink paper; it was all I could find on such short notice/

”Simply ignore that fact for the time being, and I will explain the current happenings.”

that wishes her world would return to normal.

”I was an ordinary teenage girl, the most popular in school..

I was no longer to reside in the human world.

”I open to door..”

”That I might no be in a lunatic’s house..”

”I had not quite thought that far yet.”