z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Dreaded Dinner Party Chapter 8 pt. 2

by Dest


Chapter 8 (part 2)

“Everyone, I need to say something!” Mom suddenly announced, smiling widely. A shade of burgundy lipstick accentuated her lips.

“I want to thank everyone for coming tonight! We always appreciate when we have returning guests. For the new faces, I hope you all will become new friends. Also, I want to thank La Mariposa restaurant for the extra food for free! Thanks, Guillermo!”

Guillermo, wearing a white dress shirt and black pants, pushed away from the table and coughed. He ran his fingers through his wavy hair before getting the courage to say what was on his mind.

“Essence, I thank you for inviting me and the opportunity we had to reconnect after these long years. On behalf of La Mariposa, it was no problem donating extra food that we weren't using.”

Mom nodded. Curi knew Mr. Guillermo had been more than generous to her family, even offering to help with the rest of the catering. But Curi’s mom had turned him down because she didn't want to take advantage of his kindness.

Guillermo had to wait several seconds to continue. He kept wiping his hands on his shirt and breathing out short breaths. His mouth moved slowly but Curi couldn’t make out any words except I regret.

“There hasn't been a day I haven't thought of what if,” Mr. Guillermo said.

Curi stood still with her glass of tea in her hand. A droplet of water from the tea’s condensation slid down her hand, but she was too busy being confused. Where was Mr. Guillermo going with this? Wolfeman stayed silent letting the scene unfold. She guessed his curiosity stopped his need to start trouble.

“Thought of what?” Her mom asked. She looked concerned by the long pauses and his unwavering gaze. Dad held her hand out of comfort.

“About us,” Mr. Guillermo whispered.

Dad's eyes just about bugged out of his head. He probably didn't know how to handle this sudden confession without violence or violent words. He tried to keep his emotions together, for the sake of the party and not to embarrass his family.

“I never thought it would take a chance encounter for us to meet at the restaurant for my feelings to resurface again.” Guillermo regained some strength in his voice, “I don't think you ever saw me beyond your tutor, but I had feelings for you then. I had wanted to ask you out on a date.”

Mom blinked for a second. It was rare for her to be without words.

“Did you seriously think about saying this all night?” Dad asked, his forehead wrinkled and his hand gripped the tablecloth tightly.

”I...” Guillermo coughed. “During the whole stolen baby conversation, I thought surely if an inane conversation like this can go on, that I could reveal my feelings. I know I'm a shy guy but never when it counts.”

Mom blinked again.

“Guilly, I would have gone on a date with you if you had asked then.”

“Really?” Guillermo asked, eyes wide.

Curi didn't know what to think of this development, so she did nothing. She had guessed, and her perceptive father probably had too that Guillermo once liked her mother. With all his nervous fidgeting, he may have still liked her.

“Aye, little Curi this party is full of surprises.” Wolfeman nudged her, laughing.

She frowned and ignored him, only focused on her mother's response.

The gossip trio had perked up considerably due to Guillermo's sudden confession. Naomi, Essence's nurse friend, seemed relieved that the attention was off of her.

Curi's hands felt sweaty, wondering why her mom prolonged her answer. If Mom even considered leaving the family for some guy she knew back in college, Curi knew she would lose all respect for her.

Her mom folded her hands behind her back, ruffling the material of her dress a bit. “Yeah, I liked you then, but I'm married now...SO BOY BYE!”

Guillermo ruffled his hair again both pleased and disheartened. What had he expected? His confidence left him. Curi hoped he could see very plainly that her mom loved the family she had now.

“Gosh, Essie- I mean Essence I can't deal with you.”

“That's cool I can't deal with me either,” Mom replied.

Dad finally managed to piece together his words because the little show Guillermo had put on made him grit his teeth in disgust.

“Get fresh with my wife again and I will deal with you.”

Guillermo held his hands up in a sign of surrender. “¡Ha, socorro!” he joked. “No worries that ship has sailed. I just never had a chance to admit that to her.”

“Don’t fight let's just enjoy the party!” Mom cheered and her husband nodded to lighten the mood.

Guillermo walked to the drink table with his head held high but with what seemed like a broken heart. Curi did not care too much about her mom’s old friend, but she saw the way he gripped his shirt tightly, as if for comfort.

“I don't think I would have the guts to sit back down after revealing to a married person that I had once had feelings for them. I would have gone home at this point. To be honest, I wouldn't have confessed at all!” Curi said to Wolfeman.

“Ain't that something? The guy was rejected and accepted at the same time,” Wolfeman mused.

“This is the most talking you have done in a while, Mister Wolfeman,” Curi said, realizing it.

He smirked.“There's something to talk about, little Curi.”

“I am going to go, but don't cause any trouble while I am gone!” She set her empty glass of tea down and narrowed her eyes at him for good measure.

“Sure thing, Mom,” he mocked, not at all threatened.

Curi thought Wolfeman was a cool guy, but tonight he just got on her nerves.

If there weren't going to be any more interruptions, then she would probably try to get ready for bed because the party had been going for a while.

A pretty melody floated in the air, some type of jazzy song with no words that Dad liked. Curi hummed along to the music, remembering a time Dad and her had sang at a dinner party. He dressed strangely but he was a great dad none the less.

Maybe she would get a sweet roll before heading to her room. When she walked past the end of the snack table, she saw the Kisaragi's preparing to leave.

“Oh, I must thank your parents for inviting us newcomers to their gathering. We have enjoyed our time here, but it's getting late and I work this weekend,” Mr. Kisaragi said. He looked a lot like Toki though his face showed slight age and the ends of his hair curled at the end.

His wife put on her coat and asked Curi to pass along her thanks.

Despite the stolen baby fiasco and spontaneous love confession the couple had enjoyed the party? It was beyond Curi what they enjoyed, but if they said they did she believed them.

“Thank you all for coming, but may I ask where is Toki?”

James Kisaragi put his newsboy cap on and fastened his tie. “He's still here because he said he needed to speak with a friend quickly. He can meet us at the car when he's done.”

“Actually, our house is nearby, so he can walk home. I don't want to stop his fun. He seems to open up when he's around here,” Mrs. Kisaragi commented, her voice smooth and confident like a news reporter.

“Okay. Would you two like a plate to take home?” Curi offered politely.

“Aw, no thank you! We are good. Good night!” Toki’s parents said in perfect unison.

Curi waved goodbye to them. She absentmindedly wondered if she should have encouraged them more to take home leftovers, or forcefully handed them food. If she ran outside now, she might be able to give them some sweet rolls-

“Oof!”

Curi rubbed her shoulder. Her thoughtfulness had run her into someone.

“Whoa! I bumped right into the person I was looking for,” Toki said.

She asked, rubbing her shoulder, “Were you looking for your parents?”

“Nah, I was looking for you and Cooleo. I don't know why he got so upset. I was only giving him advice, which is a good thing. Don't you think so?”

Curi tried to find a good choice of words. “Well, when I went around introducing you to a lot of the guests, I think he had cooled down but didn't know how to tell us he wanted to join us. He kept looking at me at dinner.”

“Oh really?” Toki asked.

“Yeah, I guess you wouldn't have noticed with all the laughing you were doing! I don't know who’s worse you or Mr. Wolfeman.”

“I couldn't help it! Sometimes, I laugh out of awkwardness or if something's funny!”

Curi folded her arms. “So, which one was it?”

He only smiled.

She shook her head such a Toki response.

“The music playing… What’s it called?” Toki asked her.

Curi titled her head. “Oh, I don’t know. It’s some jazz song my Dad likes.”

“I was asking because my mom is a singer. She does shows and stuff at restaurants and festivals, and she loves jazz music. This might be a good song for her set.”

“Really? I want to hear her sing. I will ask my parents later what the song is.”

“Cool.”

A short pause manifested. “Yeah.”

“Anyway, let's find Cooleo. I should confront him, so I don't leave the night on a bad note,” Toki said, starting to tap his foot.

“I mean I don't see a reason why. It's obvious he's being distant, so he might just need space.”

“Curi, come on, the sooner I confront him the sooner he can stop being on edge.”

Curi sighed but followed him into the living room. In the hallway, she saw Ophelia walking in the opposite direction. The woman strolled over to Wolfeman handing him an Andrews’ party flier. What they were talking about Curi couldn't pick up, but Ophelia gave her musical laugh.

Toki and Curi found Cooleo on the couch, watching TV with the businessmen who seemed to only move in a group. A rerun of sports highlights went on commercial break, as a sneaker commercial took its spot.

They faced the back of Cooleo's head. Before they made their presence known, Curi coached Toki.

“Okay, Toki so when we go in confront him gently. We don't want to hurt his feelings.”

“Of course,” he nodded.

Curi braced herself. “Hey Cooleo,” she sung.

Cooleo with a neutral expression turned around to see them. He acknowledged her with a gentle nod and looked at Toki expectantly.

Toki frowned.

“Hey, Cooleo you need to get your junk together and stop being on the defense! You are mad over something so minuscule? Geez, I am sorry for interrupting, but you didn't even like the girl. So, stop acting like you want to bite my head off every time I look at you!” Toki exploded. “You try to act cool, but you look like an idiot right now. Did you think I was trying to annoy you?”

Curi had to force herself not to gape. What the heck, Toki!

“Oh, did you say something? Just as I thought only someone insignificant,” Cooleo coldly retorted. He turned away, content with ignoring him.

The tone of Cooleo’s words was chilling.

He could be on his way to becoming a Wolfeman himself one day,” Curi thought. They both liked to avoid their problems and dismiss people.

So much for Toki's confrontation!

Curi and Toki walked away to a small 3-seat couch. Curi cut her eyes at Toki after he plopped down.

“Toki! What was that? I told you to confront him gently!”

Toki gave no apology. He crossed his leg, trying to get comfortable. His black dress shoes shined under the living room light.

“You're too emotional, Curi. This is exactly what he needed: cold hard facts.”

“You know the way you went about it hurt him!” Curi sighed. She kept her voice leveled, but irritation seeped through. Why did Toki have to be so rude? “You act like you can't understand other people's feelings. I know Cooleo's a jerk, but he's sensitive.”

Toki looked at her plainly.

She couldn't stand when people just stared at her.

“What?” she snapped.

“You are too emotional, Curi,” Toki repeated and frowned in disapproval.

“Well, you're too unemotional at times!” She threw her hands up. Maybe Toki just didn't want to understand.

She got up ready to leave, but Toki grabbed her wrist until she flipped his hand away.

He sighed.

“Curi, stop I already have one person mad at me. I don't want you mad too.” His face appeared neutral, but she saw the sadness in his eyes. “I am used to making people happy, so it's tough for me to handle when people are upset with me. I like the direct approach, but I guess I am too blunt.”

“Oh, Toki,” she murmured. “That guy,” she gestured a thumb in Cooleo's direction. “…Is hard to deal with, but he's not a bad dude. He's in his feelings right now, and the root of it is more than us interrupting that love confession if you can even call it that.”

“Yeah.”

“Whatever is making him mad, we will find out later,” Cur finished.

For a moment, Toki and she didn't say anything.

“That guy with all the hair, in the black fur hoodie? What's his name again?” he asked.

“That is Mister Wolfeman. I am surprised you don't remember with all the trouble he caused.”

“Do we need to keep him away from any full moons?”

Curi shook her head. Toki and his humor!

Toki grinned, “That's funnier than you laughed.”

She rolled her eyes. Life was a little more fun with his humor. She hoped Cooleo would start acting like a friend again. Cooleo was the cool, Toki made sure they had fun, and she was the mediator between them. They had a great acquaintance going on, soon they could even become friends, the type where it’s mutually understood. Curi second-guessed at times whether or not the two cared about her as much as she did about them. Whatever the case she didn't want Cooleo's stupidity to mess everything up.

----

Chapter 8 was a little long, so I split it up. We're getting closer to the end.


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Sat Jun 24, 2017 2:06 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Another day, another review :)

Nit-picks:

He had psyched himself up mentally, and he couldn't let his rush of courage die down.

This is a sudden switch to the POV of a character we've never even met before. You have written it almost entirely from Curi's POV so this is a very jarring moment.

But, Mom had turned him down because she didn't want to take advantage of his kindness.

Since it's in third person that should be "Curi's mom". Also don't think you need that comma.

Curi stood still with her glass of tea in her hand.

Why is she drinking tea out of a glass?

Naomi, Essence's nurse friend, felt relieved the attention was off of her.

Again, Curi wouldn't know this.

She would have never thought shy Guilly would do something so bold.

Or this.

fastened his tie


“Okay. Would you, two like a plate to take home?” Curi offered politely.

Don't need comma.

I don't know whosewho's worse you or Mr. Wolfeman.”


Toki said, starting to tap his foot.


Ophelia gave her a musical laugh


Just as I thought only someone insignificant

I think I can tell what he means here but I'm just not sure the sentence makes sense.

Overall:

Character: I'm really not sure about Toki in this chapter. Curi talks about him being friendly but then he tells Curi he thinks she's too emotional. This is a) not a very friendly thing to say and b) most friendly people feel a lot of emotions, and are able to empathise.

Setting: This is was fine. Not much of it, but not much needed.

Plot: So I've finally got to see the chaos of an Andrews' party. I like this, but I think it would have been more interesting to focus on that. Curi has been going through conflict about whether she wants to go to the party, so I really want her reaction to this one expanded on. Has it confirmed her horror? Does she look at this chaos with bittersweet fondness? Right now I've got her trying to make two people who don't really know each other friends, which is a fine plot, but kind of sudden to spring now in chapter 8.

Flow: So much of this is written in Curi's thoughts and has her not know what other people are thinking. It's really really jarring when suddenly we hear the thoughts of other characters.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Wed May 03, 2017 10:38 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Hey there, Dest. I've seen you all over review in the Green Room, so I wanted to give some love back to you! I am just hopping in in the middle of this story, though, so I'm sure I'll write down lots of questions. If they're answered in previous/succeeding chapters, that's fine! Use them as you will.

Let's jump in!

A droplet of water from the tea’s chilliness


I think it would be easier to just describe this as a drop of condensation. It sounds a bit silly to talk about the "tea's chilliness".

Mom blinked again.

“Guilly, I would have gone on a date with you if you had asked then.”


Woah! I don't know if there's information about mom and dad's relationship, but judging from dad holding mom's hand just earlier in the scene, I wouldn't expect this from mom in a committed relationship. This is almost like saying, "I liked you, too", which in this situation, where G has obviously brought up the relationship again for a reason, is like saying "I LIKE you, too" and how could she say that in front of dad?! I feel like she'd be more flustered? Unless she's not that kind of person at all?

“Yeah, I liked you then, but I'm married now...SO BOY BYE!”


Phew, that clears that up, but what's with mom's tone!? BOY BYE? In front of a party? Maybe I got the wrong impression from the beginning of this chapter, but "boy bye" seems like she's a real party mom, almost still a teenager herself?

Being courteous seemed to be second-nature to her.


This description seems unnecessary, as we can already see that she's being courteous and doesn't hesitate to do so. We see it in her actions, so you can skip it in the words.

“Oh, did you say something? Just as I thought only someone insignificant,” Cooleo coldly retorted. He turned away, content with ignoring him.


Woah! I liked the interaction between the friends coming over here to try to makeup with Cooleo about whatever happened, but this seems really childish for the age I imagine them to be. Like, the businessmen around him would snicker at him if he said this in front of them, it's so childish.

Since you wrote this awhile ago, I would suggest that you go through and smooth out sentences you read as awkward. There were a lot in this piece -- especially moments where you chose to say "do not" or "are not" or some other contraction as it's full form rather than the contraction, which would have sounded more natural in dialogue. Do you still believe all the character relationships you've built, or do you think they need more foundation and to move more slowly/naturally? I don't know what happened to Cooleo or how new of friends the three are, but it seems like they're just now trying to get close, so I don't think they would fight quite so explosively if they don't know one another well. They would have other acquaintances to spend time with and not be quite so worried about new friends, unless there's a reason they're isolated.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you! I enjoyed the peek into Curi's life I got here, though I wondered so much about the setting and previous events!

If you have any questions/comments about this review, please feel free to PM me or reply here.

Good luck, and thanks for sharing!

Hannah

This review courtesy of
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Dest says...


Thanks so much for the review! Curi's homeschooled so she doesn't have much of a chance to meet people, which is why she kind of clings to Toki and Cooleo. Curi's Mom is pretty childish, and I never really put Curi and her friends at an age. I always think they are somewhere from 13-16

I have a bad habit of spelling out contractions from writing essays in school. It helps me make word count, but I forget to condense it in my stories. Thanks for pointing that out!



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Wed May 03, 2017 9:58 am
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Tenyo wrote a review...



Hi Dest!

You're right. This chapter is huge! Were you planning to piece it back together or keep it as separate chapters?

Even though there are a lot of people drifting in and out of focus in these scene you manage to keep them all very well defined, and I love that. Each character has their own individual way of interacting with other people and it's amazing to watch. Although, to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about Wolfeman. He's so creepy!

I think the hardest part about this chapter is that it's emotionally exhausting. The conflict with Wolfeman was really intense. Guillermo entered and offered some comedic value to the scene just because his approach was so politely inappropriate (especially given the previous conversation), which I really like. But then it dips straight back down to the argument between Curi and Toki, by which point I kind of found it harder to care because there had been so much going on in the scene already.

What I'd recommend is taking a breather in between each of those major three segments. Take some time to describe the environment around them, engage with the atmosphere, maybe even just a moment to admire the decor, or tell a light-hearted anecdote about one of the characters, to let the air settle. It'll be easier right before the argument between Curi and Toki and it would be good to take advantage of that chance of scenery and let the atmosphere breath before going on to it.

Overall, I'll say again, your characters and the way you portray them are fantastic. They all have unique qualities that make them stand out from the rest and you write them to be vivid and interesting. Also I love how each one has a specific purpose in the scene and in the social dynamic as a whole.

Nice work =]




Dest says...


Thank you, thank you so much for the kind words. I honestly hadn't thought about adding breather space until now, so I will try to add some!




"Be happy, my friend; and if you obey me in this one request, remain satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquility."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein