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Dreaded Dinner Party Chapter 9 pt. 2

by Dest


Chapter Nine (part 2)

Her parents were understandably upset. Their daughter had put Wolfeman on the spot, and he had nonchalantly fessed up to his minor shenanigans.

“Mister Wolfeman, you're too good to be this petty,” Curi sighed.

Wolfeman shook his head, smirking to himself.

She had ratted him out rightfully so, but she still liked him. She hoped if he got that job she could read his travel stories because the man just wanted to be happy doing what he loved at any expense.

“I mean I got nothing better to do,” he reasoned.

She watched Wolfeman dragged out in silence. Her father held an arm around Wolfeman's neck all but throwing him out the door, and Mom followed them, chewing the troublemaker out. The party had pretty much ended at Wolfeman's departure with only a few drifters left. There would be no more drama this night Curi was sure of it, but she doubted her parents would stay mad at Wolfeman. They had invited the Digis’ back after the peanut jar fiasco after all. She would tell her parents later about Ophelia's involvement.

“You know I had a friend that once said, ‘If you love someone you gotta set them free’ or something along those lines,” Toki said, coming up from behind her.

“Ugh, Toki! I don't like him! He's like twenty-five!” Curi said, exasperated. This night had sapped a lot of energy from her.

“You two, sound so irritating from over here. Gosh, Curi, we don’t need to hear about your unrequited love,” said an approaching Cooleo. He looked calm. The time alone did him some good.

“Hold up, Cooleo! I can say whatever I want to say, and there's no unrequited love! Only Toki made that dumb joke! If I did like someone it would be reciprocated for your information!” she snapped.

Toki have a small laugh.

“I can't use all my laughs tonight, or I won't have any left for tomorrow. You two are always so funny.” The jolly boy explained. “Before your parents wrung his neck, I thought you were gonna say Mister Wolfeman was too good-looking to be petty?”

Curi pulled at her cheeks dramatically. “Hush Toki!”

Toki turned to Cooleo, extending his hand.

“Hey, are we cool?” He asked.

“Yeah, we cool,” Cooleo said, grabbing the boy's hand in a friendly but firm handshake.

Curi blinked. They were back to friends that easily?

The boys noticed her astonishment.

“Gosh, Curi who holds a grudge over dumb junk like tonight anyway,” Toki told her, as if reading her mind.

“Toki's my boy, and I don't even remember why I was mad in the first place,” Cooleo said. She did not quite believe Cooleo had forgotten but was glad he wasn’t upset anymore.

Curi laughed tiredly. “I don't understand you guys.”

The three of them shared a smile, and Curi found herself getting a happy feeling. Everything had worked out.

“It's time I get home!” Toki said goodbye, giving them a salute. “See you guys later!”

He jumped out the front door, laughing that he had stuck his landing. Toki was a bit weird but she liked him and Cooleo did too.

“Be safe,” she called after him and Cooleo waved him off. From the porch, she watched Toki's retreating figure until she could see no more.

A few moments passed before she addressed Cooleo.

“Cooleo, why did you get all weird on us? Did Toki and I embarrass you when that girl was talking?” Curi asked.

Cooleo didn't say anything for a short span of time.

“It's not that! I was for a minute but whatever.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I didn't know you and Toki were going to spend the whole night together!”

Curi's mouth hung open. Had he been jealous the entire time? Him being jealous would have explained his hostile attitude to Toki, and why he had kept avoiding her.

“I mean Toki's cool, he's my dude, but it bugged me that you guys barely separated.”

“Well, he's fairly new, and he's fun to hang out with but I would have never objected if you wanted to join us. You were pretty short with me at the dinner table.” A small part of her still felt upset at his earlier rudeness, as she frowned and rubbed her arm.

Cooleo sighed. “I acted dumb the entire night when I could have hung out with you and Toki. I guess... I don't know it was hard to bring it up.”

“Come on, there will be other times we can all have fun when you're not acting dumb,” she joked, trying to make him feel better. She hadn't known he would admit it so quickly.

He played with the bottom button of his shirt before looking her in the eye. “I know you and Toki had your fun, but do you think you and I could spend some time outside?” The gentleness in his tone came as unexpected as his confession.

“Uhh?” she stalled.

“We are literally outside your house. You think I am going to kidnap you?” Cooleo accused, sounding more like his jerky self.

“No! I just-I should tell my parents that-”

“It will only be for like less than a minute!” He looked visibly embarrassed but recollected his cool. “Don't make such a big deal. Besides, I got to get home. My Moms texted me that she was leaving my behind here if I didn't hurry up.”

“I barely saw your parents. Dang! All the parents left their kids tonight even Toki's!” She remarked.

Cooleo laughed then sat down on the porch, and he patted the spot next to him. Curi felt her heart beat a second quicker, but she reasoned that it stemmed from nervousness. She sat next to him with noticeable distance. They didn't meet eyes but stared straight ahead at the scenery. The sky was a milky black and the chirps of crickets surrounded them.

The arrangement felt awkward, the night hot, but it wasn't terrible. She felt like she would remember this, the night she sat on the porch with Cooleo and looked at the parked cars in her driveway and stars in utter quiet.

Her thoughts betrayed her, and a scene of her kissing his cheek played in her head. Horrified, she abruptly went inside leaving Cooleo both amused and confused.

----------------

This is chapter nine of a story I wrote almost two years ago. I am posting each chapter now to get an idea what to edit for. This had been one of my favorite parts to write back then. An embarrassed Cooleo and a shy Curi is fun!


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Sat Jun 24, 2017 5:49 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Remembering that because these weren't in the green room and I wasn't getting extra points for them, I discovered I was actually in 3rd for the review rankings today, not 1st. Onwards, therefore!

Nit-picks:

Her father held an arm around Wolfeman's neck

That seems a little severe.

“You know I had a friend that once said, ‘If you love someone

Random change in speech mark used. Also where did Toki come back from?

You two, sound so irritating from over here.

Don't need that comma.

Toki have a small laugh.

"have" definitely isn't the right word here. It's the wrong tense for one thing. "had" would be fine, but I'm still not sure that flows well.

My Mom's texted me that she was leaving myme behind here if I didn't hurry up.”


Overall:

Character: I like the resolution of the Toki/Cooleo weirdness. It felt very natural and it was nice to see Cooleo's guard slipping up and down as he drifted in and out of honesty about his motivations. I think some more about Ophelia's motivations are definitely going to be needed at some point, but I'm sure that can come later.

Setting: Nice little bit of outside at the end. This could maybe have gone further, but it's okay as it is.

Plot: You seem to be going in a good direction here. The chaos of the party has happened, but she's finding good in her friends. This draws the two questions about does she like the parties and is she going to make friends together. Interested to see where this goes.

Flow: A lot of your sentences like "She did this because she that this was something" are a bit clunky. It's like you're explaining your character's motivation in a novel outline than relating someone's thoughts. People don't usually think that clearly in the moment stuff is happening.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Dest says...


Thanks again for reviewing. Toki's "have" was meant to be "gave."



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Sat May 06, 2017 4:17 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So I have to agree with BlueAfrica in that the end of the chapter is so innocent and adorable. I can see that this novel is pretty light in tone just from reading it. It is hard to write a purely humorous novel, which is why most accompany it with another genre or make it the sub-genre, so I respect that you're doing this. What I do have to say about the chapter in regards to critique is that the dialogue might be an aspect that you want to work on. While I'm not saying it's necessarily bad, it could use some work, at least in this chapter. I do realize that you have a focus on trying to make your dialogue real, but at the same time it almost seems like that's the problem.

You're trying to write what's considered real, and what isn't actually real. I suggest, if you do want to do this, studying real life people and conversations and what they say. Study art that is well-known for having strong dialogue, because most of the time, I find this to be more effective than real people in a way? People are very, very flawed, though most of the time this doesn't translate over exactly to writing. I do enjoy, though, how this is more of a calm novel that does focus on characters and their interactions.

It's one where it seems it has a plot, but it's more in the categorized as actual life. It's in that sort of "Stuff happens" mentality instead of it being all one big plot that's directly connected. I'm often a fan of those types of novels. I did want to ask about the names Curi and Cooleo, or even the majority of the names here, really. They're odd and not names that you'd usually hear, so I'm going to assume that they're nicknames.

With more fleshing out of the atmosphere or setting and the dialogue, I can see this being a solid chapter, though if you're wanting to move the plot along at a smoother or more consistent pace, then I consider playing around with this one in your revision to speed it up or slow it down a little to your liking. I had to agree with Blue again that this plan of Ophelia's didn't seem all that dangerous, and I wanted more stakes, in a sense.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Dest says...


Thank you for the review! I will try to revise some of the dialogue! Was there a particular part that you thought needed revision?

Concerning the names, Curi is short for "Aucuria", Cooleo's real name is Cornelius, and Toki is a Japanese name. The rest are just names that I like.



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Fri May 05, 2017 12:29 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Her thoughts betrayed her, and a scene of her kissing his cheek played in her head. Horrified, she abruptly went inside leaving Cooleo both amused and confused.


Oh my gosh. How adorable is it that she's horrified by the fact that she imagined kissing his cheek? Like that's the most innocent possible thing she could've imagined, and she's all "Oh God no what am I thinking."

This chapter doesn't connect very well to the prior chapter, though. I mean, whatever Curi was going to have Wolfeman say was just skimmed over with paraphrase.

Her parents were understandably upset. Their daughter had put Wolfeman on the spot, and he had nonchalantly fessed up to his minor shenanigans...

She watched Wolfeman dragged out in silence...


After that, the party quickly breaks up, and Curi moves on to completely different thoughts. I understand her friendship with both boys (and possible future romantic relationship with Cooleo) is important to her, but she doesn't think once about the party, Wolfeman's jibes, or Ophelia's Evil Scheme. Right now it mostly feels like everything's too easy - but maybe that's because of what I said in the prior chapter. Ophelia's Evil Scheme is weirdly not that harmful, so it doesn't feel like there's much at stake and therefore there's no real urgency to deal with the problem.

The questions I had in the last chapter still stand!

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