z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Dreaded Dinner Party Chapter 13

by Dest


Chapter Thirteen

Curi felt defeated on the bus ride back to Cooleo's house. Wolfeman’s perfect cruelty in his words still sang in her head like a twisted lullaby. The bus's noisy chatter and frequent stops did little to take her mind off her failed trip.

So much for being independent and confident, she thought. She had tried to put on a strong front after his less than kind answer, but Wolfeman had seen through it. Maybe the quiver of her lip had exposed her hurt? He wasn't good with emotions, so he had told her to get home safe before he told her parents. Wolfeman and Ophelia had both let her know in their own ways that she was on her own.

She barely acknowledged Cooleo while sitting on his porch step. He tuned and played his violin in silence, almost mirroring something akin to the party night. The music did little to soothe her, but she was grateful for Cooleo not being grating. Somehow, he had picked up on her sour mood, giving quick glances to her frown whenever he could between music breaks.

When her mom picked her up, Curi made no mention of her trip to the Wolfeman Office or Ophelia’s decision not to get involved. She had moved quickly to the car, happy to be headed home. The car ride had mundane silence but not the peaceful type like with Cooleo instead something heavy hung in the air—an unknown tension.

“Aucuria Janae Andrews,” her mom began, readjusting the rear-view mirror, at a red light. Her voice sounded strained as if she was bottling up anger. Immediately Curi felt worse than she already did. “I called Gloria to ask her if I should pick you up early because I didn't want you and Ophelia talking to hinder her.”

Curi said nothing and chose to stare out of the car window. Sweat seemed to create a film over her hands. She had never told her mom that she left to find Wolfeman because Ophelia had convinced her she was grown enough to do it. It’s dumb for me to feel bad about this, Curi thought. I can’t be a sheltered teen forever!

“Tell me something, Curi. I just find it funny that when I called your phone you didn't answer. I thought oh 'her phone's dead' okay, so I told Gloria to call you to her home phone.”

Curi mumbled, “I could have been in the bathroom.”

Mom turned to her sharply. “Gloria said she ain't know where you were. I was about to hightail it over there and find you myself! But...” The light turned green and indirectly signaled a change of her mom’s tone.

Her mom’s voice was much calmer, the strain gone. “That boy, Cooleo, said that Ophelia had dropped you off at the library. I had almost panicked, but that sounds like something you would do.”

“Cooleo said that?” Curi said, her eyes wide. He had been in his room when Curi confronted Ophelia, but maybe he had seen the commotion from his window. Of course, he knew how over-protective her parents were with her and Taveo. It didn’t truly matter how he had figured out she need a cover.

Curi didn't enjoy lying, but she was glad Cooleo didn't have reservations about it. He wasn't too bad of a guy. Narrowly escaping punishment at least gave her something to take her mind from Ophelia and Wolfeman deserting her.

-----

The Digis had some nerve to send them a personalized invitation, a simple brown envelope holding a simple invite inside from a nasty, vile couple. It was the first item Curi had pulled from the mailbox, and she had pulled a frown at the sight of it. She was disappointed by her family’s reaction to it.

Leave it to her parents to announce at dinner that they wanted the whole family to attend. Her easy-going brother had only shrugged, not really caring, but she could not help but be indignant.

“Bump them!” Curi hissed and folded her arms. “How dare they trash our names then invite us! They are so so—vile!”

“No language at the dinner table” Her dad reprimanded, even while eating his rice he had time to chide her. He always had to make sure she had impeccable manners.

Curi whined. “I didn't even curse!”

“But, you were close to it.” He wagged his finger.

Curi rolled her eyes purposefully away from her dad's gaze. Taveo laughed lightly and Mom smiled. Everyone seemed to be in a cheerful mood but her.

“Anyway, we are going to extend the olive branch,” Mom said. “We are the bigger people, and we won't have to stay long. If we don’t show up, it will look like his words got to us like we were threatened.”

“Those two always ruin your parties! Someone should ruin one of theirs,” Curi fumed to no avail. Her temper surged hot, and it felt crimson red.

“Pass the black beans please,” Taveo said.

Curi handed the large bowl to her brother. At least, the black beans heard her frustration.

------

Curi liked the way her gray checkered shirt and black jeans looked on her. If there was a good compromise about attending the Digis' party it was the new clothes. She pulled away from her full-sized mirror and grabbed her backpack, as her family was already waiting in the family car.

She had decided she was going to pull one of the Digis aside and confront them. It might look awkward, but the direct approach was the best way to get things done. Once she got away from kid’s duty of course. Unfortunately, the Digis' didn’t consider her adult enough to be at that main party. Either way, Curi wasn't planning to stay at either event for long.

“Whoa! Traffic's thick for the Digis’ party!” Curi gasped, watching the dark sky light up with cars’ headlights.

Taveo said plainly, “Half the city has to be coming here.” Nothing ever seemed to truly impress him besides his cell phone.

The Andrews’ car followed behind a long trail of cars being parked by attendants in bright-colored uniforms, in neat rows on the grass.

Curi stepped out of the car to marvel at the Digis’ mansion. She had to tilt her head up to get the full view. The mansion was tall and riddled with windows, leading to who knew how many rooms. The windows were covered with magenta curtains, and the window panes themselves had stone panes. Two life-size carvings of koi fish had been etched into the mansion exterior. Wow! They are rich, she mused.

As the Andrews family walked, Curi noticed the mansion's cliché gold-colored gate had been opened, leading to a glossed rock path, beside the neatly trimmed bushes, stood wooden statues in the likeness of the Digi couple. On the left was statue Morris Digi and the right, his wife, Sierra Digi. Curi frowned at the inanimate objects, almost bumping into her brother.

“Hey, watch out!” Taveo said.

“You're one staring at your phone,” Curi pointed out, though not really wanting to start a fight.

Her dad panted, his chest heaving. “We should have driven to the front door. This walk is too long!”

As if magically hearing, a young lady driving a shuttle offered them a ride. She was in the neon-colored vest and white uniform, as the other parking attendants. Her hair was a brunette spider web with loose and intricate curls.

“The Digis hired a shuttle service?” Dad commented, not really expecting a reply. The Digis’ had outdone any party his wife and he had thrown by presentation alone, even before getting inside the house. Curi thought he probably wished they had a shuttle service for their last party.

The brunette lady turned the steering wheel and replied, “Yes, Mr. Digi hired us. I am one of the many shuttle drivers for tonight, solely for his dinner party, which is very considerate of him because the walk from the gate to the door is too long on foot.”

Curi's dad mumbled something, probably feeling another pang of jealousy. Taveo texted, not paying attention to the elegant surroundings, and her mom for once had nothing to say, only holding her purse firmly in her lap.

Curi focused on the backs of the statues, and the other shuttles transporting party-goers.

The Digis’ must be made out of money,” she thought. They definitely sneeze out dollar bills to pay for all of this.

When they had reached the elaborate mansion’s doorstep, Dad pressed the round doorbell, which chimed harp music, repeatedly. A few minutes passed before the thin woman in a dark burgundy wrap dress opened the door.

“Hello Andrews, so nice to see you all! How are you doing? The kiddies are growing up nicely,” Mrs. Digi said as if there were no tension between the two families. Curi didn't know why Mrs. Digi was putting on an oblivious front. She had just as much to do with the Andrews slandering as her nasty husband.

Her parents greeted Mrs. Digi cordially, letting their coats be taken to another room. Curi purely out of politeness murmured a hello to the old lady.

Clearing her throat, Curi began, “Excuse me, Mrs. Digi, may I talk to you for a moment? I would like for both your husband and you to hear that-”

Mrs. Digi smacked her gums, a little spit narrowly missing Curi's face. “Andrews' daughter—” Curi mentally rolled her eyes. This woman still didn't know her name. “—I need you in the kids’ room. The little ones are getting fussy and the older ones are bored. Keep an eye on them!” She grabbed Curi's shoulder tightly, separating her from her family. Mom and Dad waved goodbye to her and Taveo hadn't noticed. Lucky him since the Digis considered him old enough to be with the adults.

Curi found herself thrust upstairs into a magenta-colored room with kids of assorted ages. The room was fairly empty besides furniture, a curtain-covered window, and a painting of a sheepshead fish. She seemed to be the oldest one there. Two brunette haired boys sat on a dark magenta couch, playing video game consoles. They looked around twelve, and in the middle of the room were five kids ranging from toddler to around eight years old. The young kids squealed at the sight of a potential, new playmate, as the older boys were actively ignoring them.

“Hey...” Curi drawled. She sat down at the far end of the couch with the video game boys. She hadn't planned on being with little kids for an undisclosed amount of time. The boys lifted their heads momentarily to notice her before they returned to playing their games.

A pair of brown doe-like eyes looked up at Curi.

“Hwi, what's ywour nwame? I am Vamauri! I am fwive!” A pig-tailed girl said, she picked up the toddler of the group and stood them both closer to Curi. “This is Zebity! She's two and my cwousin!” The toddler's drool trailed down the girl's arms, but it didn't seem to bother her. Curi sighed heavily.

“My name's Curi,” she said kindly while pulling out a tissue from her backpack. “Wipe your cousin's mouth.”

The kids were cute, but she wanted to get out of here quickly. She didn't want to have her night consumed with free babysitting, or wait around for an inevitable diaper change. 

--------

Three chapters until the end of this story. I am excited and thankful for all you guys' help :D 


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 11:28 am
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Just keep reviewing, just keep reviewing...

Nit-picks:

instead something heavy hung in the air—an unknown tension.

There should either be a comma before this or just make it a whole new sentence.

“That boy, Cooleo, said that Ophelia had dropped you off at the library. I had almost panicked, but that sounds like something you would do.”

Why was she so tense before this point? I'm thinking maybe she doesn't believe this?

figured out she needed a cover.


potential, new playmate

Don't need that comma.

Overall:

Character: Now that I finally get to meet the Digis again, I am more convinced than ever that there should have been more about them earlier. I hate them! They would be much more helpful as an antagonist, however, if I was able to hate them when they were doing all those nasty things. I don't even have consistent proof that they are ridiculous other than one incident and then Curi telling me that they were always like that. Show me that, so that I'm not relying on one character's word.

Setting: Very well done.

Plot: I'm really glad you didn't decide to end it at chapter 10. I think this is some of the most exciting plot stuff that's happened so far. I really want to know what's going to happen at this dinner party. It does seem somewhat unlikely that her parents would be that prepared to go. I can see how they got to that conclusion, but it would be more convincing if they had a discussion to read that point.

Flow: Complex words not too bad here. Chapter length a bit too long but not awful.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Sun Jun 25, 2017 5:15 am
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Redbox275 wrote a review...



Hi Red for a review,

Even though I came into the story with pretty much knowing very little about it, I liked it. Also because I started in the middle, I could only look at language.

I really liked your balance of description. I feel in my stories and others there lacks descriptions but there is a effective amount. I also admire how you variety of different sentences which makes it more interesting and flowing.

However, there are some nitpicks and confusing sentences that I will go over.

Wolfeman and Ophelia had both let her know in their own ways that she was on her own.


This sentences is a little awkward because of all the prepositions. I would cut up the sentence or tighten it.

I didn't want you and Ophelia talking to hinder her."
The 'to hinder her" is awkward word choice and the ending fragment makes the sentence awkward as well.


Sweat seemed to create a film

I would take out "seemed" as it is an unnecessary word.

Gloria said she ain't know where you were


It's weird to hear ain't in the dialogue. It's unnatural and not many people say it, and it's also kind of weird that your character because the mom didn't use that word consistently.

and indirectly signaled a change of her mom’s tone

This is the scene where they are at the stop light, and it was an interesting idea to have something in the background signal change of mom's tone, but here you're explicitly stating it's a symbol, and the idea that the character in the story sees as a symbol or "indirectly signaled change" is odd.
It would be a cool idea for a film, a visual medium, and it could work through a written medium, but it would need to be more subtle. I really liked the idea of the setting reflecting the mother's emotions. Very smart!

Her hair was a brunette spider web with loose and intricate curls.


I love this description. However, it is describing the shuttle lady, who is not an important character, so I find this detail unnecessary.
“Yes, Mr. Digi hired us. I am one of the many shuttle drivers for tonight, solely for his dinner party, which is very considerate of him because the walk from the gate to the door is too long on foot.”

I feel like this explanation from the driver was also unnecessary because we already got from the previous dialogue and description that it was a long walk to the gate to the front door.
“Excuse me, Mrs. Digi, may I talk to you for a moment? I would like for both your husband and you to hear that-”

Okay, I confess, I did try to read your story or skim because I didn't want to review just the language of this chapter, but lazy teenager kicked in, and I only read most of the first chapter, but I learned that Curi is nine.

I feel that her dialogue here is unnatural for a nine year old. It sounds too old, and it sound inconsistent compared to "will you play with me?" line from the first chapter. I don't know her character too well, but the dialogue sounds either too old or too young for her age.

I don't blame you, though. I think writing nine, ten, eleven year olds are so hard because they're not little kids, but they're not teenagers neither. It's hard.
“Hwi, what's ywour nwame? I am Vamauri! I am fwive!”
I wouldn't put the "w"s. I don't remember five year olds talking like that when I was groing up, and it might get annoying for the reader. However, the content of the dialogue is right.



Okay, so, nice story. Keep writing!

Red275

P.S: I love the unique names in your story!




Dest says...


Thanks for reviewing. I think you're the first to say that you like the names. :D Btw, Curi's not nine. She's around 14 or 15.



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Fri Jun 09, 2017 1:08 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



No reviews on this one yet :( Well, that's changed now, but please bear with any silly comments I might make from not reading the previous chapters.

So obviously, Wolfeman was somebody Curi liked and trusted and he dumped her. I guess something happened that made him want to get out of this situation as fast as his legs could go. Something related to parties because of the title and the invitation. And Ophelia let her down too I guess :(. This makes me think the scenes before the invitation are the "black moment" of the story and I'm imagining the climax will be at the Digis' mansion.

One great thing about this chapter was that although I'm just jumping in fresh, I can kind of understand the situation. This isn't like SO confusing like it is if I opened a book into the last 50 pages of a book or something. This is just my input as a reader and I guess that's why I'm not too daunted to review this ;)

I really like the way the characters are differentiated from each other. I think this is because you're pretty far in to the story and are already comfortable writing them. Like Dad's insistence on manners and the parents' love of parties. Despite their slightly odd personality( well, that's what I inferred xD), Mom still behaves like any mom would about their daughter going somewhere without telling her.

What I thought felt off to me was that the mention of the immense number of guests was only limited to cars. It's my fault if I haven't been reading carefully, but I also think that maybe showing some crowds of people getting out of the shuttles and trying to greet Mrs. Digi at once might really show how gigantic the party is.

The brunette lady turned the steering wheel and replied, “Yes, Mr. Digi hired us. I am one of the many shuttle drivers for tonight, solely for his dinner party, which is very considerate of him because the walk from the gate to the door is too long on foot.”


WOW! Shuttles for a party--that is so amazing and makes you feel as if you're *really* special guests. I really love this idea and I can easily imagine how jealous Dad would be.

The only other critique I have here is that in the party scene, I don't really feel Curi's feelings there. She was pretty indignant about this invitation and also rather emotionally hurt from Wolfeman's and Ophelia's "let-downs" (though I haven't read the previous bits) that I would have liked to know how she felt. For example, if she glimpsed Wolfeman and/or Ophelia amidst the guests, I'm sure that would incur a strong emotional reaction. I assume she must have been really uncomfortable about it and that can be a stark contrast to her parents' "go with the flow" nature and her brother's indifference about this.

A couple of nitpicks I'd like to address:

Narrowly escaping punishment at least gave her something to take her mind off the people she admired deserting her.


The "people she admired deserting her" was phrased awkwardly and I suggest rephrasing.

She had just as much to do with the Andrews slandering as her nasty husband.


I'm rather confused by this sentence. Rereading this doesn't exactly help, and rereading for the sake of clarity is definitely a bad sign.

The kids were cute, but she wanted to get out of here with a quickness.


"with a quickness" could be changed to "quickly" or "as soon as she could" or something like that. I'm pretty sure this sentence sounds odd if you read it aloud.

I believe that's I've got for you! PM me if you want to talk, and I hope this helped a little!

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The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
— Unknown