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138,334 Literary Works • 672,104 Reviews
hellooo! this caught my eye, and i really like it. so i figure instead of being lazy, i may as well participate in review day and review this. i want to break the poem down into lil quotes so i can focus on just one thing at a time, and go over it with you.
I felt like this was fairly indirect, like there really isn't a distinguished point in time or explanation for "greens." and of course, we interoperate greens as veggies, but it seems like maybe if it was a bit more specific, it'd make the whole rest a little easier to swallow since it's a very bold way to begin a poem.
still, i'm really longing for some substance. and these lines in particular i think feel bland. and i appreciate the educated vocabulary, but that seems to be the only thing that stands out in the poem thus far, with it lacking memorable imagery or metaphors.
a few things: one, "eating greens" is the only method you've described that would fit into a healthy category, but you haven't really convinced me yet that those alone will make you healthy? and two, what exactly do your sweet teeth need to be satisfied? it's obvious that they want sugars and sweets, or things other than veggies, but i think an explanation of those things may serve you well /in/ the poem. however, i love the idea of this line, and i really love the tone it gives. this has to be my favorite part of the poem for sure.
hopefully i was helpful and able to be clear enough. lovely poem,
-amelie.
Thank you for your review! I'm not sure if you knew this or not, but the end reveals the whole thing. Money = Greens. And being healthy is being wealthy basically. The events of the story is about not giving in to greed. The sweet teeth represents the narrator's charity because sweet = caring = unselfish. Throwing up dollar bills could be interpreted in different way, but my vision was giving away your earnings for the benefits of other. I apologize for that's the only thing I can say, but I hope that gives a better understanding and new outlook of the poem.
This is Nikayla here for a review!
The tone in this poem is one of the things that confused me about it--particularly the ending. It comes off as something humorous with the last line but I didn't know if you were actually intending for it to be that way. I can see it working as a more serious poem if you wanted to do that, but I found this to be more lax? The theme or concept of the poem with the big punchline at the end is something that I find can be either one to work. The one thing that I did want to touch on about the punchline of the poem, which happens to be the last line as it gives the big reveal is that you did good at keeping the rest of the poem level.
I often find that poems that have some sort of reveal at the end happen to only focus on that reveal, weakening the rest of the poem, but I'm glad that I didn't find that here. It's a smart poem in terms of the concept and themes running through it of the speaker pondering, or at least the subject matter being, greed. It's told in a way that I haven't heard before and the originality of it only makes it stronger.
One of the things that I did want to touch on is the imagery of the poem. The imagery is somewhat here, but I didn't really find it to be all that impressive. I suggest to pick and choose what you think is more important for the poem as a whole since I think it works well as a short poem and shouldn't really be dragged out. Give us more about the taste of the greens. I also wanted to ask because it's never really all that clear--is this meant to be taken literally or figuratively in the sense that the speaker is eating money?
Something else that you could touch on is how everyone has tried to leave their fingerprints on money, or in a more straight-forward way of saying it, they want to get their hands on it. The flow of the poem is something that is weak in places such as line eight as it's a bit of a weak start for the beginning of a line as well as the first line, which feels a little abrupt. Speaking of abrupt, that's kind of how I felt the ending to be, but it works for what it is. I enjoyed the cleverness of the poem, though I do see this being able to become even stronger.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Thank you for the review! First off, I apologize for this late response but I got really I didn't get this over with until now. Whoops.
The tone was supposed to be childish. Like a kid eating his veggies. I tried to combine both a deep message but yet try and make it sound like a pure child. I remembered back then how I was encouraged to eat things like broccoli and I hurled them up. Perhaps I didn't I get the tone across well.
Thank you for complementing me on how I kept the message hidden until the end. It was honestly tricky for me as I both had to make it sound like two different thing but it worked out.
To be honest I wasn't really satisfied with the result of the poem. While I wanted it to be short, I knew it could be fleshed out. But when I considered expanding on the poem, it either felt like I was giving away the meaning too early or just felt awkward to include. I knew that if I continued experimenting, the poem would snowball into something with a unique meaning ruined by a lack of satisfaction.
I wanted the ending to be abrupt. Sort of like well... Throwing up XD.
This poem didn't really show improvement on flow which is something that does need it, but I wanted the idea posted in order for me to remember and possibly improve on the idea. Thank you!