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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Ayyy, winter poetry.
Your imagery is en pointe here and that's something to be proud of; however, I think it came at the price of your flow in several places. It seems to me that you've committed to your phrasing in such a way that you want to get every last detail in--even at the cost of the life of your groove. This is a tragedy, but it can also be easily remedied by understanding compounding phrasing and metaphor. For example:
And the temporary psychological defect
where you think you can slow down time
may easily become
And the moments when
miles run between minutes on the clock
Things like that. That said, there are so many places where this issue crops up, where the language becomes prosaic and loses a funky flow. There are even times when it comes across as a speech.
But the imagery is good. That's your saving grace. Also, just as an aside, it's a bad idea to romanticize medical conditions.
Ty
Thank you, Lumi! While this poem has been way better than my last few attempts (by a longshot) I knew that there was something to work on for the one after this. I wasn't concentrated on flow, and more concentrated on focus and imagery because my older stuff that I was rather lacking in that department.
.
The thought of getting the point across with similar imagery but a lot different phrasing was something I never thought. I'll read over my poems a few times over just in case there's another way to write the stanza.
I won't lie, but I'm confused on what you are trying to get across your second-tp-last paragraph. Are you saying there are moments where my writing comes of as plain but the flow is there? I just want to make sure here.
Oh and about medical condition. I cursed a lot under my breath once I realized I did. I know this sounds absurd, but I thought the concept was cool, and just right into the poem. How insensitive on my part. Do you think I should fix this by not doing anything similar next time (duh) and learn from this mistake, or should I use a different metaphor. Contact lenses, perhaps.
Anyways, this helped me a lot. Sort of like how fortis helped me point me in the right direction, I think your review will do the same thing. Hope so, I mean
Dear Codayy,
I love this poem! I love what you did with "f l o w e d" and " passed by."
I love the appearance and the feeling of the poem --> the almost unemotional sense of it, calming describing this sense of what it feels like.
I really, well, not necessarily enjoyed, because to say enjoyed seems to not fit the poetry feel, but I really loved to read this poem. Looking out for your username in the greenroom!
I hope that you won't be discouraged to continue writing poetry like this. I really liked it.
Sincerely,
bmnovelist.
Thank you for your review! I'm glad the experimentation with the words worked. It was my time using them so idk if they were going to work or not. It's interesting that you think the poem has a calm atmosphere. Honestly, I didn't know what tone with poem had (I might establish that in my next poem). Well hopefully you can find my other works in the Green Room on time. This one specifically got out really fast
. Don't worry, your kind words helped me get a better sense in poetry as far as direction goes.
Happy to hear!
Greetings! I must say, I really like what you did here. It is interesting and refreshing to see the change in format, especially when it is so well carried out. I like your use of description too, the adjectives chosen really help draw the reader into the story told. However, I would like to point something out. This might just be from my point of view, but it sometimes seems that you use the same words more often you have to. For example, the word "vision" in the third stanza. You used it twice, which although it makes sense, it seems a little repetitive when you could have replaced it with "sight" or perhaps "gaze". Other than this, though, I can't really find anything wrong. Your use of language is interesting, as well as your way of not stating too many things plainly (though some may argue that is the point of a poem). Overall, I liked this, and I wish you the best of luck with finding inspiration for further writing. Happy holidays!
Thank you for your review! I've seen some other people do the change in format, so I wanted to try it a bit myself. Glad people liked it. I did fix the unneeded redundancy in my wording. That's some of rough draft curse in the works right there. Happy holidays!
HEELLO Codayy,
A poem about the effects of winter and snow. I like how you played with the letters and words to make them look quite interesting and meaningful. This is the first poem where I've seen that happen.
The meaning of the poem cannot be fully grasped. That's good. When I finished reading this, I wondered what exactly it meant. The reader feels like they get it but they also feel like they're missing something. Keep them guessing.
I wonder if you like science. There are many scientific terms in this poem along with words associated with snow, ice, and winter. I understand the last stanza is going off into spring. There are a lot of descriptive adjectives in this poem as well.
Let it snow,
Night Kaizer
Thank you for the review! I guess I'll explain the meaning since I don't want this piece to be shrouded in mystery. I wrote this on how you don't really have the feel of a season until you actually experience it. I remember how I thought that winter was only okay, but by first snowfall it blew mind. I used to like science than I do now. I respect, but in my honors science, I'm at the bottom of the pack. I appreciate your review, man!
Heya, Coldayy! Casanova here to do a review for you!
Anyway, the first thing that I noticed was you say,"My eyes," twice with a couple of lines, and I felt like you could have left them out- where the reader is wondering what is going on. Sort of letting us think for ourselves, if that makes any sense.
Overall I find that your imagery in this is pretty impressive. It's strong, and I think that you got what you wanted out of it. I'll do an overall summary of each stanza.
The first stanza was a good start. It's strong and puts out your imagery right away, so props for that.
The second stanza felt a llittle weird to me. It doesn't have the power the first one does, and I would suggest tinkering with your imagery and emotion. Imagery alone doesn't make a poem good, but neither does emotion. Together they can make something strong, you just have to find your balance.
The third stanza was decent. I give you props for the imagery.
I loved the fourth stanza, I feel like that's your strongest stanza. Your emotion is there, and so is your imagery and they come together rather nicely.
The last stanza was decent, but I feel not a strong enough ending to the poem. It seems to stop at the fourth one.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Thank you! Okay so I fixed the eyes thing. I'm surprised I let that slide at first, but it's changed.
I honestly have much to say aside from what yo said on the last stanza. It's sort of needed to even have a chance in understanding the poem. Now was executed poorly? Since you think it didn't add much to the poem, probably. Well, I'll make sure to add more of a punch in conclusion. Your words did help, Matt.