The church lights switch, and the room becomes dim
The beginning of the path will be shown.
Pianos and violins play in rhythm
As your bare feet step into the unknown.
-
You'll continue to pause, ponder, and walk
Until your body halts at the middle.
Deepest thoughts inside your mind are unlocked
While accompanied by a sole candle.
-
Escape by backtracking; the path glowing
Your pacing is, regardless, downtempo.
Your dam of tears can crack, overflowing
Or you can emerge with a blissful smile.
-
This is the service of a labyrinth
Having magic equivalent to myth.
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140,456 Literary Works • 673,225 Reviews
Hello there,
I usually love reading poems like these all over YWS but it’s hard to find ones with both a great flow and beautiful wording. The first two lines of the first stanza were nice, captivating and had a superb syllable count but then came the third line with the ‘pianos and violins’ which really had me stuttering after getting used to the previous flow. (Is the type of person t read everything slow and aloud). The last line threw me off because I expected after all the commotion of orchestra and lights that the character would be stepping into anything but unknown. Plus, I think it should be ‘step’ and not ‘steps’.
Second stanza’s flow is very nice and the words chosen are ideal, but I’m not sure how the person ‘pauses’ ‘ponders’ and ‘walks’ (all voluntary actions), then ‘your body halts’ makes it seem that his body involuntary halted itself. The rest of this stanza is self-explanatory and well put.
Third, I like how the vocabulary helps with the sudden rush of adrenaline in both the character and the reader. Reading these lines had my eyes widen just a tad. I’m not sure why you describe the pace of the character to be on the down tempo when he or she is obviously going through an emotional roller-coaster. Was it because the coaster was slowly descending from its climax or was the epic climax in the slow-motion of realisation? I especially like the ‘dam of tears’ line which implies how pressured and overwhelmed the character already was but then the last line of the stanza saddened me because it went off the syllable count.
I thought I understood the entire poem until the last two lines because I wasn’t sure what you meant there, it may be a reference that has flown over my head of some kind of ritual or prayer, but nevertheless, it was a nice ending leaving the reader both appreciating the word choice, flow and mystery(if they missed the reference or meaning like me).
Good job and keep writing!
Thank you for the review! Alright, so I'm going to respond paragraph by paragraph with my own paragraphs because this may get lengthy.
I prefer reading at a medium pace as far as poems go because I may read too slow or too fast. Yeah, reading it slow would throw you into a loop. The step and steps issue has been something I've been debating for a while, but there hasn't been a clear cut answer for me to verify.
I'll explain the second stanza since it may not be relatable with other prayer labyrinths. The labyrinth was drawn like a octagon, with the path going around the inside of the octagon. Once you walk one full rotation, you cut in deeper making a smaller rotation of the octogon. This repeats until there's not enough space to walk around, and reach the large space in the middle. During the rotations, you walk until you reach a turn. You stop, think for about thirty seconds, and walk to the next turn. If you're confused, I can make another reply going into further detail.
About the third stanza. There was really no limit on how long you stand in one place, So while one person can think for one minute, another can think for thirty seconds, which person number two can pass person number one. So when I say that somebody's pace is downtempo, I mean that even though somebody is close to the end, they still choose to be at the same pace compared to a marathon.
I'll break the last line into syllables:
"Or you can e-merge with a bliss-full smile"
Ten. Believe or not, smile only has one syllable. It's weird. Like the reviewer before you said, it's has the same concept as small.
The last stanza was up for interpretation for why the prayer labyrinth was equal to myth. If you don't what (I didn't consider this until now) a prayer labyrinth, it can be googled. Let's just hope Team Batman wins, though!
Hey, Codayy! cleverclogs here representing Team Batman on this lovely Review Day!
Ah, Shakespearean sonnets. They come across as so effortless when you read them, but dang, that iambic pentameter thing is tricky. I wrote one of these for school, so I know the pain. Overall, you did a pretty good job sticking to the 10-syllable rule, but there were two lines where you faltered.
This is actually 12 syllables. Maybe replace "pianos and violins" with "the orchestra starts" or something like that. That was just a suggestion, course. Feel free to experiment and see what works.
I'm preeeettty sure this is 11 syllables, unless I'm wrong and "smile" is only one syllable. I would've counted it as two, though. I think you can probably get away with it if you pronounce "smile" really muddled and southern, like "small", but I thought I'd call it to your attention anyway.
As for the rhythm, most of the time you didn't really stick to it. I did sense that you knew it was there, though, so that's good. As this point, I don't really think you can edit this poem to include the rhythm without pretty much changing the entire thing, so maybe just keep that in mind for next time you attempt a sonnet. I think that the best Shakespearean sonnets should sound effortless, like the way the man himself wrote them. Nothing should be included that will force the poem into the structure, it should just follow the structure naturally.
I wasn't quite sure about the meaning of this poem. I kind of got the picture of a wedding ceremony- the bride walking down the aisle to music, pausing halfway and having to decide whether to go through with it or run away. Tell me if I'm wrong but that's what I got out of it. A few things seemed just kind of randomly thrown in there- the candle, for instance. I also didn't really understand the labyrinth thing. Maybe I'm just missing something?
I liked how you referenced the music in two stanzas. Maybe you could try to mention it more, in order to make it more of a running theme. I'm a musician, so I'm probably a bit biased, but I think it'd be nice.
Overall, this wasn't bad for a first attempt at iambic pentameter! It's extremely hard, so kudos to you for attempting it. Of course, practice makes perfect, so hopefully you can improve this poem and do better at the next one! Keep up the good work! clogs out *jumps into batmobile*
Thank you for the review! Alright, the first line has 11 syllables. Still my fault (I checked this over and over, and I still couldn't catch this), but rhythm has only sylable. Longest 1 word syllable I think. Smile is one syllable. I checked every word on a syllable counter to be safe.
Yes, there was a few lines that unnatural, but I posted this to seek help for those few choppy lines because I really can't of a solution for those right now.
The meaning is really abstract, but also really straightforward. Our youth church group did a 30 hour famine. The last hour, however, was taking a walk on a homemade prayer labyrinth by our pastor. She turned off all the lights and played some music on a CD player. The candle was in the dead end (a huge spot in the middle), and we were allowed to sit down to reflect any thoughts while with this candle. Everything else should be understood by the poem.
Oh yeah, btw. I never joined band, so my technical knowledge for music is really limited.
Go team Batman!
Okay, now that I know what a prayer labyrinth is the pieces are starting to fall into place. I understand a lot better now. I don't go to church, so I apologize for not knowing what it was. It makes a lot more sense now.
Yeah, I wasn't sure about smile. I've always pronounced it "smi-ull," so I have a hard time telling myself it's one syllable. I can see how it is, though. Although I still counted 12 in that first line. Don't tell me "rhythm" is one syllable too? D:
It's not too hard to add music-related language. Just talk about crescendos and fortes and stuff and you're good. Actually, don't do that because if you use a word wrong you'll upset some weird orchadork like me. XD
Yeah, rhythm is one syllable. I looked it up, and it makes sense. The y in rhythm does not count as a syllable, and is used for words that replace an i for a y. Nothing else can divide the worder up. And tbf, I never knew what a prayer labyrinth was until that day, and I go to church almost every week.
everything I know is a lie ;_;
I pronounced rhythm like "ri-thum"... wonder what other words actually only have one syllable?
I really appreciate the penning of emotions . Its really nicely carved . May be some people have different perspective but accordingly AND without any second thought . I praise . Glad I haVe an opportunity to read this. Stay blessed
I had a visual in my mind while reading this and it was pleasing enough to write this comment: Good job.