Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Fading Colors
Chapter one: Introductions are in order.
The artificial light shines down on the middle aged women, it showing every wrinkle of stress. She holds her long boney fingers together in front of her waist and smiles weakly at the class room. Clearing her throat she tries to get the attention of the adolescents interrupting her class. One by one the teens slowly draw their attention towards her, and again she smiles.
“Now I may be a little old fashion but I enjoy introducing new students into my class, especially since this is first period.” She pauses so the children take in the news of the new student. After the mummers subside she continues. “Miss Adelise, you may come in.” the students turn towards the door to see the girl walk in. Her black converse make a squeaking noise as she sways towards the front of the room. She is pretty, very pretty. Her long black hair is curled and pulled up into a red bandana that match's the color of her lips. She bats her black eyelashes at the students seductively and plays with her tight red tank top that cover over black jeans. Most of the male students sat up in there seats to watch her every movement carefully. There is a silence that sweeps over the room and the teacher clears her throat and begins to speak when the girl cuts her off.
“It's very nice to meet you all.” She says with a thick french accent. More mummers burst through the class room with excitement and the older women looks to her with surprise.
“You're french?” She asks with her own thick southern accent.
“Yes.” She answers her words flowing out of her mouth like a kitten would purr.
“Well how exotic, class this is Adelise. She will be joining our wonderful school. Y'all treat her with as much respect as you would your own mother, you may sit down now.” She says pointing to the seat right next to mine. The french beauty glides over to the seat beside mine and sits. I turn and smile at her. Her eyes quickly look me over and she holds out a hand. I look and grasp it, shaking it with force but still being gentle; after all I am a lady.
“I'm Bonnie.” I say introducing myself. She smiles a bright white smile.
“You already know my name.”
“Yes I do, and welcome to River Ridge. I really think you'll like it here.” I exclaim. She raises an eyebrow but doesn't lose her smirk.
“As do I.” And at that class begun.
30 minutes later the bell rings and I wait outside the door for her to come out. She saunters up and looks me over again. I clear my throat and say “I thought it would be a fine idea for me to show you around the school for your first day.”
“That would be great.” She sighed with out her accent trailing behind her words. Confusions spreads over my face.
“You lost your accent.” She giggles and looks back at the class room.
“I don't like the teacher much so I decided to play a...joke.”
“By pretending your french?” I inquire.
“No I'm French, I just don't have the accent, I was born in the U.S.” I nod and act like I understand what she is saying but I don't really. Why would you plan a joke like that, it doesn't seem very funny. It's just a lie. But I go along with it because... I don't know why. She seems cool.
“Where were you born?” I ask. She looks back at me as if she forgot I was there.
“Chicago.” My eyes light up at the word Chicago.
“Really? I've always wanted to go there. It seems so pretty with all the lights and the people and the music...what's it like?” Her eyes roll over to look at me.
“Amazing, I'll have to tell you about it some time.” She looks down at the piece of paper in her hands and starts for the class room nearest to her and stops.
“I'll see you on the flip side Bonnie.” She finishes her sentence with her lips contorting to make a smile while her teeth hold my gaze captive as I wave and walk away. This is it, she is the one I've been waiting for.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,220 Literary Works • 672,084 Reviews
Hi Zee6, I really enjoyed reading your writing and it definitely makes me want to read the next chapter. The characters are interesting and I respect your detailed description of Adelise and the middle aged women at the beginning. However, there are a few grammatical errors such as “By pretending your french?” - it should have been you're but that can be sorted.
I look forward to see how you further develop the characters
keep it up,
True
Hey there, Zee! I'm going to say right now, I'm not reading other reviews, but I believe that if something is mentioned more than once that it's important and should be looked at. But let's get into this, shall we?
Your beginning is a little strange to me, I have to admit. Now, it's pretty important to be specific... in some cases. Here, I think it's a little overdone and starts to become more purple-prose-y. Why does it matter that the light is artificial? Why does it matter that we're looking at this middle aged woman or that she's been under a lot of stress? It doesn't really. So one, it's over descriptive and two, it's just not captivating of a beginning.
(Also tiny little thing, in the very beginning, the word 'attention' is used twice in the span of two sentences. Why does it matter? It's repetitive and it breaks the flow as the words is still very fresh in the reader's mind. I specifically thought I had backtracked and had to reread the sentence. So work on wording there.)
Alright, so it's interesting that you'd point out the accents, which isn't a bad thing, but in this case, I feel like the placement of them are a little bit off. In the beginning, I totally wouldn't have expected this teacher to speak with a country accent. So if you're going to point it out, perhaps do it up front. But it does seem oddly specific. Once again, be careful not to over describe.
Another thing that really stands out to me is that it takes so long to get into where the narrator is. In the entire beginning, there are no thoughts from her at all. Like she's not even there. I recommend working in some thoughts there, how she feels with the new student, how she reacts to her teacher 'being dramatic' or 'allowing the new student proper attention.' It'll help set up the tone a lot better and see what kind of personality our narrator, Bonnie, has.
Towards the end, things start to become a little more rushed feeling, after the long entrance of the new student. The class rushes by (with no input from the narrator) and then their brief conversation at the end seems rather abrupt in ending and pointless plot-wise. I'm not really left feeling like I have to read more to find out.
Still, the chapter itself was well written, even though at the end it (again) felt rushed and lost that description and flowy feeling it had in the beginning. Even if it's just a conversation, the one thought from the narrator seems just stuck in there. Out of place even. Though, I do like how you're starting to already show the differences between these two characters you've introduced here. You bet I'll be continuing this.
Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Thanks and I'll really take into consideration your advice and don't worry about not reading the other reviews there is a lot of them so thanks again.
This story has an amazing idea to it!
I was going read a different chapter, but that wouldn't be good!
Ok, so I like how this story has detail, especially in the beginning. It describes the class lights in the classroom, and how she is middle-aged and bony. It started with details! Love it!
I like how she turns out to not have the French accent, and confuses the student. I like how the student pretends to understand what she means by the fact she was French, but born in the U.S.!
Love it, about to read your next chapter!
This story has an amazing idea to it!
I was going read a different chapter, but that wouldn't be good!
Ok, so I like how this story has detail, especially in the beginning. It describes the class lights in the classroom, and how she is middle-aged and bony. It started with details! Love it!
I like how she turns out to not have the French accent, and confuses the student. I like how the student pretends to understand what she means by the fact she was French, but born in the U.S.!
Love it, about to read your next chapter!
Cool thanks.
Hello, Zee! I was going to review one of your later chapters, but I thought I'd better start from the beginning. I'll just write short reviews for chapter one and two, then I'll get intp details for chapter three.
The artificial light shone down on the middle aged women, it showing every wrinkle of stress. She holds her long boney fingers together in front of her waist and smiles weakly at the class room.
You have two different tenses here, past and present. It's better to stick to just one.
“I'm Bonnie.” I say introducing myself. She smiles a bright white smile.
You know that Bonnie means beautiful? It's just funny because the other character is beautiful. XD
Those are all the things I need to point out. I'll get over to chapter two as soon as I can.
Jeez I am so bad at past and present tense ugh! Thanks for that and I didn't know that was what Bonnie meant that is ironic. Thanks so much and I post chapter three today just so you know.
Oh and love the name btw.
Hehe thank you!
Hey I edited so tell me if it's any better. Thanks.
I really like the character development for the character Adelise. She is the type of character that I quickly draw my attention to in stories, as I myself enjoy the prankster. Bonnie is very likeable, and I hope that we can soon see more characteristics of her personality.
As for the story itself, you should work on more comma placements and look over the story for punctuation errors. In the small paragraphs that are bunched together, it seems a little rushed because there are no commas.
In the beginning, you wrote "it showing every stress wrinkle", which seems a little awkward to read. Maybe reword it?
Overall I really enjoyed reading this piece and hope to see an update soon!
Okay thanks so much and I will edit and update soon.
Hi Zee! I like the characters in this story a lot, especially Adelise. I can't wait to see what else she'll pull off. Bonnie seems like the perfect compliment to her wild personality, even though I barely know her at all yet. Even though this is just the first chapter, I can completely see this growing into a highly entertaining novel if you can continue with the characters the way you did in this.
My main issue is the many grammatical errors in this. Just in the first paragraph:
The artificial light shines down on the middle aged women, showing every stress wrinkle. She holds her long boney fingers together in front of her waist and smiles weakly at the class room. Clearing her throat, she tries to get the attention of the adolescents interrupting her class. One by one, the teens slowly draw their attention towards her. Again she smiles.
If grammar is an issue for you, I would be happy to help. If that's not the case, just go through it and correct it. It's a fairly simple fix.
Besides that, I have to agree with Chaser about the final closing sentence. "She is a very cool person" does not sum it up for me at all. The sentence "She sighed, with her accent following suit," does not make sense to me at all. Her accent sighed? What does that mean? From the rest of the paragraph, I understand that meant her accent went away, but I would rephrase it to be clearer.
Overall, nice job! If this is a book, please continue.
-ClippedWings
Okay thanks for the review and I will do editing. And it is a book so I will post probably today maybe tomorrow. I don't know but thanks.
If I may give advice here,
This is, overall, a very good start. Adelise's "prank" gives the audience a feel for her character, which in turn gives the audience a bit of an idea of how the plot will develop already. Bonnie is a character that's very easy to relate to. Many people want to "be like the cool kids," so to speak. The teacher is pretty easy to picture (Although that may differ personally). But it's some excellent character description throughout.
But there's a downside:
Your sentence separation is a little choppy. For instance, "Now I may be a little old fashion but I enjoy introducing new new students into my class especially since this is first period." Separate that a little. Use periods and commas willingly. "Now I may be a little old-fashion(ed), but I...." etc. would make the dialogue flow a bit more clearly.
As for the teacher's southern accent, contractions seem a little more southern. It might just be a personal opinion though.
Other than that, the ending sentence is a bit understated, bland almost. Putting it a different way, whether it be hyperbole, metaphor, simile, or some other method, would give it more of an impact in the reader's mind. It can be applied elsewhere as well, but be careful not to overdo it.
The characters here are excellent, and I can't wait to see them develop. You've got some technical errors scattered throughout, such as sentencing and spelling, but the fundamental picture is solid. Good luck, and enjoy writing.
-Chaser
Thanks and I will fix the mistakes and thanks again for the review.
Ok I loved this story, I have a feeling I know where it's going to go already but I will keep it to myself for now. I will say my guess on the next chapter though. But yeah I loved this story.
Thanks so much!
Your welcome