I stomp off the slippery steps of the bus and land my perfectly white, clean flats into a puddle of fresh mud. Oh great...now my feet are cold, wet, and brown. Carefully I step over the puddle with my other foot and march my way towards the main entrance of the school. Why does she have to...ugh. At least the pest isn't here. I notice the person next to me cocking an eyebrow and leaning in close. Instantly I feel the blood rush to my cheeks and I hurry off to my locker hoping that person wasn't still watching me. Was I making a weird face? Am I still making a weird face? With the twist of the wrist and a slight tug I pull off the lock and throw my backpack in and grab my book form inside it. I turn around to see Adilse staring at me with the same look the other person had.
“What's with the weird face?” She asked leaning up against the locker with folded arms. My shoulders and head drop and I sigh heavily not answering her question. I stomp down the hallway and head to my first class of the day. Adlise comes up next to me with her hands up as if she was surrendering to something and purses her lips with raised eyebrows. “Wow, what happened to little miss perky?”
I sigh with exhaustion and stop and lean against the nearest wall. “I'm sorry, I just...” She nods and leans next to me.
“Rough night?”
“Yes.” I say with a sad little nod.
“Tell me bout it honey.”
“Yeah.” I agree and stand there in silence for a moment before she looks at me again. “No really tell me about it.”
“Oh, my sister came home last night.” I start but she already interrupts me.
“Wait I thought you were excited about that?” She asks standing straight and folding her arms once again.
“I was, well still am but she had some news.”
“What kind of news?”
“She's getting married.” she smiled and looked at me with confusion.
“Congratulations to her, but isn't that a good thing, your not making much sense.”
“Well It's not a good thing when the guys is a complete jerk. He is so awful. He is so mean to her and to a lot of people. He only is nice to white men who agree with what he believes in. And you know other people are aloud to have different options it doesn't make them wrong!” I say shouting at the end of my rant. I breath heavily and look at Adlise again who has a face of shock and slight amusement.
“This guy really ruffles your feather huh?” She asks beginning to walk again; because we are starting to gain attention from the other students in the hall.
“Yeah, we don't exactly see eye to eye.”
“How so?”
“I just think... I don't really know I just know he is a jerk and we butt heads. It's nothing, But thanks for listening anyway. Your good at it.” The other girl puts her hands in her pockets and reponds.
“Thanks, but it's nothing.”
“Not to me, I don't ever have anyone to listen.” I says smiling, trying to cast away my anger.
“Well, you'll always have me.” Adilse says moving my long hair behind my ear. I grins even wider and go to say something when the bell rings.
“Let's go.” I say instead of what I was thinking before and go skipping off; over joyed at the fact that I has a friend like Adilse and how she would always be there to listen to my problems.
Through out the day I couldn't help but want to invite her over to do homework together. Well Doris thought it was a good idea and mamma agreed, but I don't know. In gym I was going to ask her. So as we are getting dressed I ask “Hey, you wanna maybe come over and do English? I know the book we're readin' can be really hard and I thought it would be a good idea to work together.” I suggest. She stops and thinks for a second then smiles.
“Yeah why not.” I nod and smile.
“Okay meet me after school in the front.”
“Okay.”
Yes! She is comin' over! Good thing Mamma and Doris will be out because I don't want them to meet her just yet. This is going to be so much fun!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello again, Zee ~ Hope I'm not too late.
Alright, so the first thing that I wanted to touch on while reading through this was about ellipses. It's not a big deal, but when using those ellipses, or three dots (...), then the word after it would have a space between the last period and the word. It's a common mistake, but an easy fix and I wanted you to be aware.
(So, in this example -- "Oh great...now my feet are cold, wet, and brown." -- there would be a space before 'now'.)
Alright, I also chose that specific sentence for another reason. Description is great and all, but too much can throw the reader off and bog down the writing, especially when it's clumped into one sentence. In the very first sentence, I noticed some excess description, and while helpful to envision a scene, this could have at least been broken up some. At this point, it seems like too much. Perhaps a split up would do some good?
And about the one quote I pulled out, it seems odd for a person's thought to think so much into it. The thought doesn't seem natural with such a precise list happening so quickly. It, of course, takes a second or two for human minds to process events and such. Thus, it probably wouldn't come out that pristine in someone's head. It read too robotic in my mind to be a thought, so I recommend some playing around with that and maybe lightening the amount of adjectives in the beginning.
I guess today I was paying extra-special close attention to sentence structure, as I noticed that there were a lot of uses of the word 'and'. That's great to avoid too much of the same sentence length, compounding them together, but in some instances, too many and's makes a sentence look scattered. Take this sentence for instance:
"With the twist of the wrist and a slight tug, I pull off the lock and throw my backpack in and grab my book form inside it."
(I added a comma too, because commas are important, but I'll spare you that ^^)
Other than bolding all the and's to show you just how often it's used in this one sentence along, I underlined another part to let you know it's a little awkward using 'the' so close together twice, and why not just use my instead of the for the wrist.
ANYWAY, my point to show is in this sentence, so many words are just hooked together by and that it loses that flow. Our brain wants to end it off, but it keeps going and we're thrown off. Be really careful and make sure all of your sentences are strong and show off their meaning really well. For the most part, you could create a list with the last half (or even cut some out, because too much detail.)
Your story is progressing rather well, and you have some really nice elements of foreshadowing going on here, combined with characterization of Adelise -- be careful with the name ^^ -- that shows a little... different side of her? I can't really put my finger on it, but it's really interesting to read about. To be honest, that's why I'm so critical about sentence structure and flow, because that was the only thing really detracting from the chapter.
I'm really excited to know more! Hope I helped and let me know if you need clarification. Happy writing,
~Wolfare
Hello Zee6! CHRISSY321 here with a review!
I often try to so that, but forget and confuse some people. Good thing there!
***Happy Review Day!***:D
For one, I want to mention how I have only read this chapter, and I can understand so much more than I thought I would, considering this is a chapter roar of a book your writing. I love writers who are able to do that! My hat is off to you! *Hat taken off*
I think that this is very comical, and relatable. The way she just steps into the puddle in the beginning, it sets the gloomy mood that she will be in for the first half of the chapter until the friend cheers her up. It reminds me of the million time that I have taken that giant accidental leap into a dirty puddle with white shoes! oh the irony!
One more thing is that love how you know exactly when she is thinking because you italicized.
I will read more of this from you! Please continue to write! Great job!
Hello! Hermione here for a review! Overall, your story sounds pretty interesting so far. Especially the thing about Bonnie's sister getting married. I think that's going to be interesting to see how it unfolds with her and this guy that she can't stand. Now, on with my review.
At the beginning of this sentence you say that the character is asking something, so you don't have to reiterate yourself at the end of this to say that she is suggesting something. That's basically what you said before. I would advise taking out the part that says 'I suggest.' Then you should put a comma after the word ask.
This sentence is a little bit odd. You don't really need a semi colon after the word again. To fix this sentence I would suggest switching it around to look like this: ...she asks. We are starting to gain attention from the other students in the hall so we begin to walk again.
Has should be changed to have. Also, you started off with your character's name spelled as Adelise (by the way that is a very lovely name). Here it is spelled Adilse and in another place I seen it is spelled Adlise. You might want to check over your work for inconsistencies in how you spell her name.
These are a few of the more major errors I noticed when reading your work. As I said earlier, your story does sound very interesting. Just keep working to get these little errors fixed and it will look even better! I hope my review helps. I can't wait to read more from you, and to continue on in this story. Keep writing!
Thanks so much and I'll fix those. With Adelise's name, I spelled it the other way the first time I wrote this story the changed it and I still sometimes spell it the other way but thanks for the heads up.