Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Chapter two: Gaining a friend
As I enter the lunch room I hear mummers circulate around the entire room and the words are all related to Adilse. I wonder why she is so popular? Is it because she is pretty or that she is not from the south nor from our small quaint town? I look around for a empty table and sit, pulling out my sandwich from the brown paper bag I had in my hands. Half way through my PB and J smooth words interrupt my thoughts of stories and poetry. I turn around to see the new popular girl holding up a lunch tray and smirking. I swallow and smile awkwardly.
“Well hey there I didn't hear what you said, not really at least.” I say shrugging a little. She laughs and repeats her self slowly.
“May I sit with you?” My mouth drops open at her question.
“Absolutely! No one ever wants to sit with me so I would love the company,” I say patting the seat next to me. She ever so carefully sets her tray down and sits, but not where I expected. She sat so close her thigh was touching mine and I could feel the rough material of her jeans on my exposed knee. I didn't want to be rude so I just let her sit that close expecting her to scoot away.
“Why does no one what to sit with you?” She asks taking a bite of her salad. I finish the bite of food I had in my mouth and answer.
“Well I suppose...I don't really know why I just always sit alone.” It was true I always sat alone and I didn't know why but it didn't exactly bother me either.
“I'm sorry, that's sad.”
“Oh no I wasn't trying to get sympathy if that was what you thought I don't really mind sitting alone it gives me time to think about my stories and life. I really-” She interrupts my ranting.
“I didn't think that.” she states taking another bite without ruining her ruby red lips. I sigh and finish my sandwich. We sit for awhile and I finish all my food and at this point I would leave but that would be very rude so I sit and wait for her to finish in silence. After a second she looks up and cocks and eyebrow.
“You can leave if you're done you know.” She says putting an elbow on the table and resting her head on her wrist because her hand was holding a fork between her two front fingers. I smile and shake my head.
“Why would I leave?” I say turning towards her. She keeps her eyebrows cocked and smirks.
“Because you're done with your food.”
“Yes but it would be rude to leave you all be yourself.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” She laughs and starts to eat a little bit faster than before. She stands and walks over to put her tray away and I stand and throw my stuff away as well, then follow her down to where she is going. “I've never had school lunch.” I say to try and start a conversation instead of nail biting silence.
“It's shitty so you're not missing much.” she says putting her hand in her back pocket. I nod and we wonder the hall way not say anything. As we walk I think about when I first met her and how I wasn't sure what I thought, but I know now. She is the one, the first friend I'll have. I have a theory about my loneliness, it was that I have not yet found the perfect person to be my friend and that is why I had no friends, but I believe in fate and this was it. We're going to be best friends. As my thoughts continue I gain this goofy smile that spreads across my face from ear to ear. Adilse looks at me then giggles; mocking my smile then continues keeps walking. I hear the giggles and glance up to see the cheesiest smile ever plastered on her face. I stop like a deer in headlights and burst out laughing.
“Why...why are you doing that face?” I ask between snorts and giggles. She laughs along with me and shrugs.
“Your snort is adorable.” She says taking in longer breaths to stop the laughs from escaping her lips. I look up and smile. My eye brows raise and I purse my lips.
“Really, I just assumed I sounded like a pig.” She shakes her head and her perfect curls bounce about her shoulders.
“Nope.” she bits her lip and her eyes dart about the room and I notice under her bright green eyes she is blushing. I don't comment and the bell rings. We head to gym class together and as we walk I notice that going down the hallway with her is like going walking with a movie star. She gets whistles and greetings every other minute, but only about half of them she actually responds to. I finish out the day and only see her once more since gym and I just wave because I have to get home because my sister is visiting from England. I race home and throw the door open with a bang. My sister looks up from her cup of coffee and raises and eyebrow and I giggle.
“Best day ever.”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Zee!
One thing I notice is that this is rated for mature content, violence and language, also on the last chapter, but I don't see anything too terribly bad in either chapter. (One swearword and hinting at mature content might just lower it to 16+, along with no violence here whatsoever.) Usually a work is rated based on its standing in the piece, not just the overall novel itself.
I assume that you've tried to really make the conversation between the two girls was meant to be really awkward, since Bonnie doesn't seem to have any friends, but it becomes a little scattered and repetitive. The two girls just keep giggling, laughing and smiling over and over. For what? It's sort of confusing and the scene is really odd as well. Why would she just stop in the hallway to laugh? Try to smooth this out more and not seem 'pointless'. The entire thing just doesn't seem to matter, since they're both just laughing.
So, it seems like you're having issues smoothly incorporating the thoughts into the narration and not make it seem like it's just some kind of info-dump, which is what a portion of the middle sounds like. It doesn't flow quite as smoothly as the rest, especially compared to all those descriptions loaded up in the first part.
One big thing in that portion is when the narrator blatantly tells us readers that she's starting to think. Since this is first person and this is basically in the mind of the narrator, it seems out of place. You don't say to yourself, "I'm going to start thinking, now." do you? So that wouldn't happen with your character either. It would look more like her starting to think without that act of telling.
Another thing is that, even though thoughts are more straightforward, there are still ways of 'showing' things rather than straight up saying them. For instance, with Bonnie's theory, she can easily just think about how she never had friends since the right person never came along, as she believed all along. Maybe even imagine some things about her ideal friend and her doing together to set the point in stone. If that makes any sense.
The very end seems super rushed, once again. The school day is already over? Even if the rest is not important, there's still tons of room for character development across the school, as perhaps her day drags on, or as she becomes excited during class change when they pass in the hall and she waves or something. A little extra so it doesn't skip half a day.
(Bonnie is so naive >.<) You do have some really nice development of Bonnie, but the development never ends! There are always new things to find out about these characters. Anyways, I'm off to the next part.
Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
I will keep working on the flow-ness of my store and try not to rush things and at the same time make them drag on.
I just read your other chapter, and I love it! This story is really happy! I love the way they just start busting out laughing for no reason!
They seem really happy to be together as friends, and they act happy to be friends!
I like how you describe the way everyone is acting, and how people are giving out cat calls, or what ever they're called! I hope that you continue posting new chapters!!
I just wondering, is her older sister from England, or just visiting England? I like that you included this though, not only because it made the person's day better, but because I am actually from England myself!
Signing off
-PerfectWeapon
Thanks so much for the review and I'm glad you like this so far. Um no she is not from England but is visiting. I'll have more to do with that later so. Oh and is your username perhaps have anything to do with Black Veil Brides? Just wondering.
My name does have to do with Black Veil Brides! I love them sooooooo much!!!
Do you like them?
Yeah, that's actually one of my favorite songs by them.
I love all of their songs, but I think I like Never Give In, and Savior are my two favorites. <3
Oh, those two are great.
Okay, I'm back!
On to the next chapter I go...
I wonder why she is so popular? Is it because she is pretty or that she is not from the south nor from our small quaint town?
I like it how you looked at two points of view- that people like her because she's pretty, or they don't like her because she's an outsider.
“Oh no I was trying to get sympathy if that was what you thought I don't really mind sitting alone it gives me time to think about my stories and life. I really-” She interrupts my ranting.
I think you mean wasn't? :p
I have a theory about my loneliness, it was that I have not yet found the perfect person to be my friend and that is why I had no friends, but I believe in fate and this was it. We're going to be best friends.
Yay! The story is really starting now. I wonder what trouble they'll get up to?
Yay thanks for the review and I did mean wasn't and I will fix that right now.
Hello Zee,
I agree with the last review on the grammatical errors. I think I might have use some more comas or stops.
Beside that and some misspelling I like the story and I think I could relate to the characters once they are more developed.
I haven't read the first but I'll do it right after I finish this review
I will try to get a hold on your writing and review you as often as possible!
Good job
Thanks
There are some grammatical errors, I think you need to add some commas into the story. For example, when Adelise responds to Bonnie by saying "i'm sorry that's sad" there should be a comma after I'm sorry.
Also, "She asks taking a bit out of her salad", I think you mean bite. It's very minor, really, but I would fix the spelling if I were you.
I reviewed your first chapter earlier and I'm still just as interested now as I was then! I'm getting a weird vibe from Adelise, like she is interested in Bonnie? Too early to tell, it could just be her personality.
Anyway, glad to see you updated! Update again soon! I'll look forward to reading it.
Have a good night!
K I will edit again and thanks I will update soon. Goodnight.