Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Chapter Three: Home Comings
“So tell me everything, what's his name?” She asked sliding her coffee to the other side of the table. I slid my self father towards the end of the chair and lean in.
“Adilse is her name.” I say with a wide grin. My sister retracts and cocks an eyebrow.
“Wait you're a lesbian?” She inquires with shock filling her voice. I sit up straight and throw my hands out in front of me, shaking them and my head.
“No, no she's just a new friend I made. Why do you always assume I have a crush on some stupid boy?” I ask leaning back into my chair again. She whines and slouches down.
“Because I wanna see my little sis in love!” She exclaims flailing her arms about. I roll my eyes and continue.
“Anyways this girl is so cool! She has black hair and bright green eyes and a really white smile. She wears these really weird clothes and she's from Chicago. Chicago! And she plays pranks on people she don't like and-” She stops me and I took several heavy breathes.
“You good?” I nod and she continues. “So I can clearly tell that you like this girl so much that your grammar goes completely out the window. ” She says with giggles intertwining with her words.
“Yeah...I guess so.” I smile thinking about what was wrong with what I said.
“So you guys are friends now?”
“Yeah.”
“Alright.” We don't talk for a little bit while she finishes her coffee. I stand getting a glass of water then clear my throat to break the silence then ask, “How's Mark?” her face lights up at the question because she knows I don't like her boyfriend.
“I'm so glad you asked, that's why I'm here Bonnie...” She pauses then a shy smile slowly creeps on her face. “We're getting married.”
My mouth drops and I stand up and slam my hands down on the table; almost knocking over the glass of water. I blankly stare down at her then turn around; leaving my half finished water on the table.
“Bonnie” She calls as I leave the room and walk up the stairs quietly. I hear my name being called from down stairs but ignore it. When I'm upset I always go to either my bed room or somewhere I felt safe, because I never really get angry I just get upset. Flopping down on the bed I sigh and close my eyes. My bed room door opens and I don't move as it slowly closes again. I feel pressure coming from the bottom on the bed but I still remain still.
“Bonnie, sweetie I know you don't like him but he treats me good. He loves me, provides for me, hell he took me to England. He's a good man. I know it's hard news and you never really did like him but I'll be fine. Can you just try to accept him?” She pauses and I don't say anything, with a sigh she leaves.
Why does she have to marry that jerk? He's just a self center, racist, sexist, butt-hole who doesn't treat her right; he treats her like a slave but I can't stop her so, I stand up and walk over to my window and grab my journal off the window sill and start to write everything that has happened that day into it; as I do every day. I label the top of the book. September 21, 1964. and begin writing. After ten minutes of ranting and random thought I finish out the page with, “Would it be okay to tell Adilse my problem? Are we friends?” The book slowly closes as I look at my window in thought of my final question in the book.
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hey again, Zee!
Right off the bat, I'm starting to wonder how old these characters are? From the last one, I just assume that Bonnie is around fourteen or fifteen from how childish she acts, but then since her sister is visiting from England I assume she has to be older. But then she goes and 'flails her arms about'? Uh, I don't really think someone older would do that. It just seems odd.
I think this may be the third time that I mention this, but I'm doing it again. Right after Bonnie's sister asks if they're friends and that was the end of that. I think what's really causing this rushed feeling is that the transitions aren't very smooth. It's a one sentence summary most of the time and I feel like there should be more, maybe even less abrupt. And why would they just suddenly stop talking? It doesn't make very much sense to me.
What a dramatic exit. Wow, she must obviously really not like this Mark guy. But here comes one of those telling, not showing moments. You could very well draw out her anguish at her sister committing her life to that snob and show her stomping up into her room, like she normally does. In that way we get the same concept, but in a much more exciting way. Make sense?
(So, I notice the next paragraph goes on and talks more about that, but to me, it seems she is a lot more mad than she is upset. Just think about how one would react if they were more sad than just angry).
It seems interesting that all before, Bonnie was absolutely sure that the two of them were friends and that it was meant to be, but now she's having second thoughts? It seems really out of character because if she was thinking back on it, then it would've crossed her mind sooner. As she was talking with her sister even.
Whoa. o.o It's 1964? And this entire time I've been thinking its been set in modern times. I am curious as to why you chose this time period in particular, other than just being slightly different. It did throw me off for a slight bit ^^
Anyways, nice chapter. There's still some work to do, but it's an interesting concept, I must say. I'd like to know how this will all tie together, with Bonnie's new friend and her sister getting married to some guy who seems horrible. But ah well. Let me know when the next part's out!
Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Okay, thanks so much and I will work hard to make this next chapter amazing! XD
Hey, it's me again!
Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it, it just takes lots of practise to get it stuck in your mind.
I slid my self father towards the end of the chair and lean in.
Farther*
“Adilse is her name.” I say with a wide grin. My sister retracts and cocks an eyebrow.
I loved this whole conversation. It was great to be further introduced to Bonnie's family, and I could really sense the sibling love. You made the conversation funny, but serious at the same.
She stops me and I took several heavy breathes.
You mixed up the tenses again. It should be take instead of took.
“I'm so glad you asked, that's why I'm here Bonnie...” She pauses then a shy smile slowly creeps on her face. “We're getting married.”
Woah. Woah. Woah. That's a major plot twist! I'm interested to see how Bonnie reacts, will she even go to the wedding?
He's just a self center,
Self centered*
That was a slightly sad, but exciting and well written ending to the chapter! Let me know when you post chapter 4, I'd love to read it.
Okay I'll b sure to let you know and I'll fix the little mistakes right now. I'm glad you like it so far.