Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
280 days later, I'm still here. Sitting at the same old desk with the same old computer, but normally I would say my life was boring but it's not anymore. My life has changed so much. Before it was like a black an white picture you would find in an attic somewhere but after all that has happened it's now like a ratty coloring book all used up by a six year old. So I'm still sitting at my boring desk with my computer that barely runs and I'm writing what happened to me and I start with one morning 280 days ago.
"It was the best of times it was the worst of times..." Reading the first line of Tale of Two Cities just makes my head hurt. I set the book down and scan the class room for anyone else who wasn't getting anything this guy wrote. Most have there heads down or they're talking to the people next to them as silently as possible. I don't have many friends, hell who am I kidding I have no friends. I'm the weird kid around the school. The one who sits and writes all day and doesn't talk to anyone. The thing is I would talk to people, but most are complete dicks, and when I find the lucky few who aren't they don't really pay much attention to me. The teacher clears his throat and stood up from his chair.
"The bell is about to ring so here is you assignment for the night. You are to read chapters 1-5 in Tale of Two Cities, write a summary then a paragraph on what you would inferred about the chapters." The class groans at his words and he ignores the noise. The bell chimes a minute later and the teens spill out of the class room so quickly you would assume there was a rabid animal about to eat them.
I collect my things and am the last to leave the classroom. Walking down the halls in a high school is like going to war. You keep you things to you side and you fight to keep your self from getting trampled or killed in the process of heading to the next class. Or it's at least like that for me, but what do I know I'm just the weird kid who writes all the time.
Marching into my next class I sit down and pull out my math homework and my notes. The rest of the students file in and class begins. The teacher takes command and starts talk about the test and about turning in homework and I slowly start to tune it out until I hear from behind me.
"For Christ sake just shut the fuck up and let us get to work!" My mouth drops open and I flip around to see the brave soul who decided to yell profanity at the teacher. the boy sitting behind me was no other than Brady Stinson. He was the most popular guy in school and I never would have expected to hear that come out of his mouth especially in a classroom. I finally realized he was raising an eyebrow at me.
"What did you just say?" I asked. He shook his head.
"Nothing."
"I swear you just swore at the teacher. I heard you everyone did." I argue looking around the room and finding that no one was shocked by his foul language they where staring at me because I was accusing him of such an allegation.
"I didn't say anything." He glared at me and I heard him say "Fuck dude what's your problem?" I open my mouth to say something when I realize that he didn't say it. It was his voice but he never moved his lips.
"Excuse me, is there a problem back there?" The teacher asks putting a hand on her hip. Mouth wide open I shake my head the there was another voice who chimed out.
"Yes there is Mrs. Pinkster, Erick just called you a fat cow and was laughing and making fun of you." Mrs. Pinkster glared at me and set her marker down.
"To the office...now." I stood not going to argue and make everything worse and walked to the main office and sat down waiting for the principle to call me in to his office. I wondered for a long time if I was going crazy or that Brady was the best freaking mime in the world.
"You may come in now Mr. Brown" The princlible calls.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Fading ColorsPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,137 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey!
Well, honestly, I feel like there's something missing.
It starts off strong, and I liked the way you described his situation in the first paragraph. I was kind of waiting for you to jump into the action at any point in the story, but instead, it was like a rhythmic beat. The pace was kind of slow and boring and I think a lot of people (especially those with short attention spans) would just stop in the middle of the story and not continue.
At the end, some kind of excitement is sparked, but I don't really think it was enough to actually intrigue someone like me (and maybe it's just me, but I like big, stand-out type action). I would suggest maybe cutting to the chase a little quicker and adding some more boom to your plot.
There were also quite a few grammatical and spelling errors that could have been fixed with a few look-overs but overall I think it was a pretty good plot. I hope there's more and that you take this, as well as the other reviews, into consideration.
We're all just trying to help each other out. <3
Thanks for the review and this is has been really hard for me to put this story into words. like in my head it's a lot cooler but I can't seem to write it. So I'm going to keep trying thanks you the support.
You're welcome
Hey Zee!
Since Demeter has already pinpointed the grammatical errors, I shall try to focus more on the story itself.
To be honest, I found this piece a little stale. There wasn't really much that grabbed my attention except from the start where you talked about how his life had somehow changed within 280 days, which is pretty long I might add. Perhaps create a little conflict or even drop a hint as to what the story would be about. Such hints are really the baits which get readers to bite. Don't reveal too much though, or you would be spoiling the plot.
I wasn't exactly sure if your last dialogue was intended to act as a cliffhanger. Usually, to end off a chapter, try to leave the reader guessing about what's going to happen next. Either use a dialogue, which you did or maybe describe certain events or actions which are happening.
If this is indeed meant to be a prologue, the important thing to note is to add significance to it. Your prologue is intended to introduce the reader to the story or to act as an introduction to a main event which may be happening in the next chapter. It needs to hook the reader up in the short period of time they spend reading it. If you're talking about a flow of events like what you did above, try and reserve those for later chapters when you're developing the plot or trying to show character development.
Hope that this review helps!
Thanks I'll really take that into consideration. I've never really written a prologue before so this was helpful thank you.
Hey there Zee!
This is a bit contradictory, since you just said that the life wasn't boring anymore. How about something like "Sitting at the same old desk with the same old computer, but my previously boring life isn't boring anymore"? I know that sounds a bit lame, but maybe you could try something like that!
There are two (grammatical) things that were lacking in this story: commas and capital letters at the beginning of sentences. I know these are just nitty-gritty minor things, but it does make it easier for the reader to follow the story if all of these basic things are taken care of. I know that you are capable of capitalising the first letter of a sentence, because you do do it here! But there are a lot of sentences where you don't, and that kind of comes across as not caring.
Commas are a bit more difficult to place correctly if you haven't learnt it at school or something, but it gets easier over time. Here's an example sentence from your story that would be easier to read with commas:
(also "take" should be "pay")
There is a Knowledge Base on YWS with lots of interesting and helpful articles about grammar, for example. If you feel like you'd like to learn more about where to use commas, for example, here is a pretty exclusive post by barefootrunner: The Great Grammar Compendium
So, it sounds like this is the beginning to a longer story. I may be mistaken, but this certainly has a prologue-y feel to it, like we're only starting to find out what is going to happen. It seems pretty interesting and I kind of want to know what happened 280 days ago!
Sorry I couldn't say more things about the story, but hopefully you still found it somewhat helpful.
Demeter
x
No thanks so much for the review. It was pretty late when I posted this and somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I made a couple stupid little grammar mistakes so thanks a ton for pointing them out. Yeah your right this is going somewhere and I hope it's a twist that no one will see coming.