One dark, black night,
Few stars are twinkling
Clouds are fighting and
Thunders are winking,
Possibly, the storm is approaching.
My heart is getting wrenched,
Have I left someone in violent storm?
Or,have I been very bad to others?
Oh I forgot!
I am drunk
Sleeping in a graveyard
Over my tomb.
Holding a bottle of wine
Giggling with-
The best friends of human beings.
Tomorrow is my anniversary
Some unwanted face will appear,
Some loveable face will appear,
Sympathy and love
Will get loaded on me and,
Lilies and roses
Will become my friends.
That’s one dark night of my life with smile.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
This poem goes into quite a spin of a story!
I have to say, that I found the grammar mistakes and frequent non-essential punctuation to be a bit distracting to the message and story.
As with the last poem, I'd recommend eliminating all uses of "ellipses" (...)
because... it... gets to ... be... difficult... t..o.. unders...tand... what's being said.
I think you should also limit some of the exclamation marks too, and let the words of the poetry speak for themselves.
Now let's look at the message,
So I think this is about a person either just about to die, or already dead, and they're reflecting on their life. They have some regrets, and aren't sure that they lived a good life. However then the poem spins, after the line "giggling with" and suddenly the poem is very happy.
I wondered if you were going for a dia de los muertos mood with this, because for me the juxtaposition of death with the light hearted love was actually a little uncomfortable. Which isn't good or bad in itself, it just turned up that reaction in me.
I think that the narrative of the second half of the poem could do with a bit more clarity, I had some trouble following what was happening.
I do want to praise you for the concept of a drunk man sleeping on his own tomb though - that was excellent, and such a clever little idea. I think you can do more with that!
I don't quite have time to go through all of the grammar issues, but there were quite a few. My main suggestion would be to try to read the poem out loud, and see if that helps you catch some of them. Grammar can be a difficult thing to master though, so I know it can take a lot of work. Ultimately though, it's really rewarding to have a polished piece when all those little mistakes are taken out and the reader can just focus on the poem itself.
Let me know if you had any questions about this review, or wanted feedback on something I didn't cover.
~alliyah
Hi alliyah,
thanks for another review, following your suggestion I made some changes in the poem. But one part of your review is confusing me little bit.
You grasped the story well as the poem narrates the story of a person who wanted to live but received an uncertain death, and had some good people around and some bad people around. hence the person says for good people "have I left anyone in the violent storm" and says for bad people "have I been very bad to others" instead of blaming others.
"I wondered if you were going for a dia de los muertos mood with this, because for me the juxtaposition of death with the light hearted love was actually a little uncomfortable. Which isn't good or bad in itself, it just turned up that reaction in me."
I don't know if it relates to the mood of dia de los muertos or not. but i need to find or generate a little more emotion to make this poem intense.
Apart from it, I also feel some thing is missing from this poem and it's incomplete, even though I can not find which part is missing from it.
Thanks again alliyah, feel free to tell the problems and i will try my best to improve myself.
chinku.
Ah thanks for your response -
The punctuation changes make this look much cleaner!
I think for me the mood issue is the change from the poem having a very dark to a celebratory/excited tone was a little quick and I couldn't quite catch what caused this change - if you connect those threads it might be easier for the reader to read the poem as one whole story, and I think would also make the poem feel more complete.
- keep up that writing!
Hi, thanks again, I'll try to find out and to fill that gap.
Hey Chinku,
First of all , NICE .......... it is good , very deep , the way you describe it is awesome, it helps to imagine .... some grammatical mistakes but i think that a poetry should be free of every kind of grammer and spellings .... it makes the poetry unusual .
I hope you keep on writing like this and to achieve what you want to , i am amazed. Brilliant.
If you have time , please visit my profile and give your reviews too .☺
Hey, thanks a lot. Sure, I will give a glance at your profile and give review and comments, thanks again, keep reviewing.
Thanks , anytime
Im not gonna give you criticism, just gonna say good job, I loved the story of this, it overall cancels out any grammer or incomplete rhyme scheme, good job. :3
Hi,
Feel free to say if there is any mistake, it's better i'll learn something.
Even, your comment is quite confusing me, that, you don't want to criticize and you just say good job. I would like to know your rectification on this poem.
Thanks.
Its partly because i couldnt find much i would change, and partly because i am lazy.
Ha ha. that's funny.
Yep xD
This poem is very good but some lines confuse me. I would love for you to elaborate and then maybe change word choice but you don't have to because it is you unique poem after all. It may make it easier for others to understand. I don't understand these two lines very well:
"Have I left someone in violent storm?"
"Or,have I been very bad to others?"
The rest of the poem makes sense to me but these lines are confusing they disrupt the flow, especially the comma after 'Or'. Is this intended to stand out? It may just be me.
Overall I enjoyed reading your poem and it did seem to accomplish the goal you set in the description. It was a great poem and I have few questions give yourself a clap on the back friend.
Hi,
first of all, thanks a lot for your appreciation also for a nice review.
it's a voice of a dead person with his grief, love and memories.
"Have i left someone in the violent storm" this line says in the voice of dead person, does he left any dear one in this cruel society(violent storm). questioning to own self.
"have i been very bad to others" here the person is asking to god, dose he behaved very bad with others ? for which he is far away from whom he loved.
"or" with comma is just to give a pause while reading. in our general life when we question 1 or 2 things to own self, we take a breath or a pause to think. that is it, i tried to put a real human act.
i hope i have cleared your confusion. thanks again, keep reviewing.
Thank you you have cleared my confusion, and keep writing.
Welcome.
Hi there!
This is a really good poem! I especially love the ending.
Thank you.