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E - Everyone Language

"Little squab a little hope"

by Chinku


Little sparrow or a little squab

Falling droops or raising bubbles

Starving for food and starving for water

With broken legs and broken wings

With petit beak and hope to fly.

Every day and every moment;

Looking to fight and looking to survive,

Rolling oculus up and down

A predator or mad cap brown?

Crowned own self and promised own self

Dare to live and dare to fight

With count of droops and count of light and nights.

Others glance and others laugh,

Some pass by and some stand,

Few admire and few hate,

Some care and some greed.

But, all are strange and all are fake

Looking forward, I fly and I fly

With a ray of hope and in the ray of sky, though,

Being a symbol of peace I try and I try. 

                                         *


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691 Reviews


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Thu Nov 08, 2018 1:15 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



I like the symbol of peace stuff at the end, do you think you could work that into the rest of the piece -- also why is the symbol at the end "peace" but the title is "hope"? A little more integration and connecting the dots could be a good move for you.

I always like a good in-depth look into the poetic nature of an animal. Also I love that this is about a squab, as for some reason that's not the most popular animal to talk about, so it makes it pretty unique.

I think the form of this piece is pretty good - nice even lines and line breaks, however you might read through it outloud as there are a few grammatical issues where what you're saying doesn't quite form a full sentence or thought.

Lastly, try to avoid the more generic descriptors like "little" and "broken" and see if you can make them one step more specific. Poetry that moves closer and closer to specific and concrete, is good for catching the reader's imagination and mind.

Overall, this poem is a piece I could really imagine being expanded into a quite interesting piece exploring that nature of squabs and their metaphorical implications, keep it up!

~alliyah




Chinku says...


Hi Alliyah,

Thanks again for bringing another nice review.
I have tried to fix up some according to your suggestions. I hope it will be suitable now. Also following your suggestion I'll try to avoid those generic descriptive words.

Thanks again for the nice review, some more are on the way, very soon I'll publish them. Keep reviewing.



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385 Reviews


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Sat Nov 03, 2018 8:47 am
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Eros wrote a review...



Hey there, Chinku!!

This is Eros here w/ a review for this beautiful piece of poetry of yours !!

So I was just going through your portfolio actually, and found this one published just 15 or so hours ago ... Was also attracted by the title, "Little squab a little Hope" and thought to read it and drop a review too for you.

So ... llllllet's BEGIN.

The review begins with a title. The title, as I said before too, is indeed catchy and attractive and also it is of appropriate length. It must be not too long. And yours is perfect.

Then comes the overall presentation of the poem. The format of your poem is indeed poetic and the flow of the poem is also smooth. I love the way you have presented the thoughts and ideas... Keep it up!
But for presentation I would also suggest you that perhaps you can break the poem into smaller stanzas. That would add more of the poetic essence to it, making it more chocolaty and smooth and sweet.

Coming to the main theme.
Loved the main theme of the poem too.
Basically it is about sparrows and those little birds. I love the way you described the beak as petit and the wing and the legs and everything is described beautifully.

One thing I would still suggest though, avoid the usage of ellipsis, "..." I tend to use that often too, but you could simply use a full-stop and end the sentence. I was told by my teachers as well as the other reviewers here to avoid usage of ellipsis. But even today I tend to use it too much.
Apart from ellipsis, I would also suggest you to remove the unnecessary comas like those after "w/" and "but".

Well, critics aside, coming to the word choice. I really loved the choice of set of the words that you have used here. They were so suitable for the poem.

Favorite line was that crown one:
"Crowned own self and promised own self…"
Also loved the question you asked just before that.

It was an AWESOME and amazing poem and I hope I didn't sound rude anywhere in the review.

Keep writing such awesome stuff and we would love to keep reading and Reviewing them!

Have a great day / night!
With love,
From Eros.
:D




Chinku says...


Hey Eros, Many many thanks for the nice and beautiful review. i didn't get any rude kind of sense in your review. A good suggestion you made to avoid excess use of ellipsis, I'll look for it. Thanks again and keep reviewing.



Eros says...


Welcome! :D Really in love w/ your writings... <3



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22 Reviews


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Fri Nov 02, 2018 7:35 pm
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sophies36 wrote a review...



Hello! Sophie here to review! I love this poem! it is very well written with great vocabulary and I don't know if I can find something wrong with it! It is very deep but at the same time, it seems as though it is just a story but now I want to find the meaning! Amazing work!
Also, this is sooooooo good and I hope all of your other work are like this because its really good!




Chinku says...


Hi, thanks a lot for a nice review and welcome to YWS society.



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Fri Nov 02, 2018 6:39 pm
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Thecakesatruth wrote a review...



Hiya, I’m here to review your spectacular poem! Honestly, your word choices were really great, with how they fit into the poem, it didn’t feel unbalanced like some poems. Your lines were around the same size, and even when you didn’t rhyme it was really good! Sorry that’s all I can review for now, I gotta go do something. But you should be extremely proud of this amazing poem!




Chinku says...


Hi, That's nice, thank you, and keep reviewing.




I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
— Chandler Bing