Hello again! Happy Review Day again!
(PS - you're my 350th review! Yay blue star!!)
Same deal as last time.
He had removed himself with some difficulty before an item in his pocket began buzzing. He had taken the metal rectangle into his hands, reading the text that displayed itself on the screen.
Awkwardly phrased. I'm sure he knows what kind of item it is. And too my description for my taste. Just say it's a phone.
Silas had studied this map, grinned, and run to the door. And Silas had also ceased to be Silas Oracle.
This is confusing. Perhaps a part of the plot I'm missing because I'm jumping mid-way in?
As he passed a clothing store’s window on his merry way, he caught a glimpse of a man walking by.
You could make this sentence more active by saying "He caught a glimpse of a man walking by as he passed the window of a clothing store."
Slipping into the store, he hastily purchased the necessary preparations. Upon completing transactions, he exited the store with extreme gusto, taking the path less traveled through the shop window, thereby taking revenge upon his imitator. Some called it petty; he called it justice.
"Upon completing his transactions" doesn't seem necessary to me. I think you could combine the first two sentences: "...purchased the necessary preparations and exited the store with extreme gusto."
The next part of this section confused me.
the mood interrupted by a sodden sight.
Did you mean to say "sudden" rather than "sodden"?
An old man held a grimy tin can wearily at the strangers who pretended not to see him, pleading for the lofty miracle of benevolence. His clothes could not have been called rags, lest the rags feel insulted, and it whether or not he remembered what a bar of soap was could’ve easily been up to debate. His eyes were closed, weighed down by hideous wrinkles, while his bristled lips barely managed to beg for money in an emaciated whisper. Chaser could see his bony frame tremble as the world averted their gaze and passed him by.
BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN.
"I’ll be back for you soon,” he whispered without looking back, “I’ll be back for all of you soon enough.” He breathed out slowly, his gleaming crimson eyes surveying the glorious new world around him. A mad grin seized his countenance, dementing it to insanity. “All hail the king.”
Ominous!!
Okay so you have a really beautiful way with words. This flowed really really great, you have great descriptions, great style. At times, it got a little too flowery and overdone for my taste, but as a whole I think you have a really beautiful writing style.
My main overall comment is going to be similar to what I said in the last chapter - micro plot. I thought this chapter was better than the last. Even though I'm not sure what the overall plot here is, I felt like this moved the story along better than the last chapter. I feel like this guy is a bad guy (?) and now he's out in a human form and he's about to do something (?). Last chapter, I really didn't have a strong sense of how the plot was moving forward or what the plot even was. That being said, the things I said in the last chapter about micro plot, I think they can apply here, too.
But I really liked this chapter. (I hope I don't start repeating myself, I really need to go to bed :p). I got a good sense of who this character is even though he's brand new to me and I don't have any context for what went on in this chapter. You do a nice job of making characters unique through your language and what each character does and how they react to things.
Very interesting chapter! Keep up the great writing!
And if you have any questions or if something didn't make sense, let me know!
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Reviews: 1162
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