John was having a dream again. And he was enjoying every second of it. Right up until the nightmare.
He examined the grassy hillside of the dreamscape in silent reverie, watching as wisps of emerald blew up from the knoll and were whisked away by the cheerful wind. The sun above shone a bright radiance, painting the world in lavish vivacity. But John knew the truth. It wasn’t real.
He had always done this, just sit in his dreams for a while, and whichever way the wind blew, he followed. The flowers on the hillside sang lilting tunes into his ear, taking his cares away and bathing him in rapture.
His fingers kissed the vermillion petals of one flower, plucking it lightly from the earth to take it into his hands. In a whirl of light, the flower transformed into a crimson-plumed songbird. Smiling, John stroked its soft feathers. The bird chirped a felicitous tune and flew away, dancing into the sky until it was out of sight in the sapphire ocean.
Gradually, the scene began to melt, distort, and change. John was used to this as well. The flowers lost shape, drifting back into colors, becoming an intoxicating fog. The grassy hillside warped itself brutally, until the landscape reformed, bending back on itself to let a new setting take shape.
John sat down, tucking his knees in, waiting for the scene to fully set itself. It was always strange to haunt inside his own mind; and yet he did so frequently. In doing so, he had found that he was the most exciting person he knew. But even in his dreams, he was alone.
Standing up, he ran his fingers over the rough bark of a tall hickory tree. The blurred verdure around him proved his point. The forest. It really was one of his favorite places, the sentries of nature stretching their domain for as far as he could dream.
He leaned against the cool trunk, drenching himself in the aroma of the dream. He had been able to do this for as long as he could remember, playing the audience for the delusions of his own mind.
A falling ember caught his eye. A single red leaf, falling through the air. John pushed himself off of the trunk and gazed upward at the shadowing branches. This had never happened before. Did this mean something in his brain was wrong?
And what John witnessed was a sure sign of something. Under his frantic surveillance, the deep green leaves were poisoned by yellow, red, and brown, torn screaming from the trees in a frenzied inferno. John watched, aghast, as the tall hickory ripped away its hair and cast the shreds to the forest floor. Soon, the once peaceful forest was a graveyard of leaves.
He spun, anxious at his dream, suddenly wishing to be awake. But a drop of curiosity cast its ripple into his mind, and he was left wallowing in apprehension in his stolen dream.
This was his first mistake, I hope you realize. Maybe if he hadn’t witnessed the death of a soul, or seen the nightmare with his own eyes, he would’ve remained a normal human. But I sincerely doubt it.
A loud boom shook the forest, lifting the leaves for a second with its crash. Another one sounded out, to similar effect. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. The footfalls resounded in the dead leaves, getting closer by the second.
John’s knees began to knock. For under the autumn horizon, a great black form amassed itself. Eight repulsive legs planted themselves firmly onto the soil. Eight blood-red eyes shot open at once, all narrowed furiously at John. It was a giant freaking spider, and it wanted to kill him.
With a screeching roar, the spider began an eight-legged stampede, much more quickly than you might imagine, but just as terrifying as you can fathom.
John, utilizing his most human instincts, turned and ran, screaming, into the forest. The arachnid’s stampings seemed to get closer each second, churning the leaves on the ground with titanic force.
As John raced, the sun, which had been casting brilliance into the forest just moments ago, dropped out of the sky. The ominous moon replaced its twin, draping a damp indigo darkness onto the forest. The trees rotted, shriveling into gaunt husks of their former selves, casting gruesome shadows in the pale moonlight.
Were the leaves getting deeper? Each footstep seemed to trigger a million crashing roars as they crushed beneath his feet. They were up to his knees now. The spider would hear them. The spider would find him.
John ducked off of the beaten path, jumping behind a dying oak.
A chaotic ruckus indicated the approach of the spider. John scrunched up against the base of the tree and forced himself quiet. The spider’s advance grew; but then stopped, as though it had sensed his foul play. Slowly, it lumbered around the woods, probing the trees with its rancid breath, prying the leaves with its daggered legs. A deep, guttural growl emitted from its throat, chilling John to the bone.
John curled up tighter in the dead leaves and smooth acorns, as the spider hunted for him, searching for its prey. Horrible images raced through his head, tumbling upon one another in a terrified frenzy.
Then he saw it. One hideous ebony leg sliding itself beside him. The breathing of the arachnid suddenly seemed to intensify.
The spider was behind his tree.
He clamped a hand over his mouth, eyes flooding in sheer terror. The slightest whimper would get him killed. The leg felt around, frisking the leaves in the darkness for his body. With every swipe, it inched closer to him, and the spider would hiss softly, coaxing John's fear into blind terror.
The deadly silence seemed to last an eternity under the full moon.
And just as quickly as it had appeared, the leg slid back into the darkness, taking with it the scent of spider. The sounds drifted away, and the terror abated.
Breathing heavily, and releasing a manly whimper, John detached himself from the base of the tree, heading back onto the path. The spider had probably raced on ahead, pursuing him doggedly through the lifeless woods.
A cloud passed in front of the moon, eclipsing the light and leaving shadow behind. John, not wishing to wait a second longer around these woods and spiders, turned to head back down the path to where he had came from. Breaking into a sprint, he barreled down the path, disregarding safety, the environment, and, of course, traps.
He didn’t realize it until he was well and truly entangled. The strands came from nowhere, yet halted him in his tracks, immobilizing him completely. The moon returned from behind the clouds, illuminating his peril.
In an instant, the dread set into his stomach. There, criss-crossing between the trees, were the silver strands that sealed his doom. Intertwining, intricate, delicate. A tapestry of death.
The spider's web.
The moon vanished from the sky, leaving John in pure darkness. What a fool he’d been. He’d thought the spider had given up, when it was only setting a trap.
Eight crimson lights blazed to life in the darkness. As arachnophobia claimed him, the spider let out one last deafening screech, its teeth glistening with venom. And John responded with a scream of pure terror, echoing into the nightmare sky.
The spider furrowed its brow(s), opening its mouth wide. Its gaping maw moved closer to John’s body, each fang dripping the spider’s acrid poison. In one moment, the spider would sink its teeth in, paralyzing him, then devouring him. John thrashed in the web, desperately trying to wake up. But he couldn’t even move his fingers to pinch himself.
There was something strange about this dream. He’d had nightmares before, but never like this one. This one felt more….alive. The spider that would’ve seemed painted otherwise now held a terrifying reality.
Then, out of the trees, a single arrow buried itself in the spider’s eye. The arachnid recoiled, hissing furiously at this new threat. Two more arrows flew from the shadows in rapid succession, each striking at the spider’s legs. Enraged, the spider flew after the hidden archer. It didn’t go far. A black figure leapt from atop a withered pine, flipping over the spider, firing an arrow into its neck mid-flight.
As the beast turned around, the shadow dropped down in the leaves, drawing a knife from his cloak. Standing at the edge of the web, he began to hack at the silk, setting John free. He was so focused in his task that he did not see the spider’s seven livid eyes glaring down at him. John struggled to cry out, to warn him, but it felt like his vocal cords had vanished. The spider raised its leg….
And was sucker-punched by a flying mass of anger, soaring into the trees with a crash. The cloaked bowman looked up at his rescuer, impassive. “Hello, brother.”
The boy he was referring to was a red-clothed lad, floating five feet off of the ground, arms folded. His mask gave him the appearance of a demon, a grunt responding from the painted scowl.
The spider, clearly very confused at this point, staggered to its feet, roaring. The bowman’s brother ignited a red aura about himself, flying forward, yelling. He struck the beast with tremendous force, flying back and in to strike again, punching and moving like some kind of dream Superman. The spider rocked from the force of his blows, swiping angrily at the red blur of light bouncing through the trees.
The archer continued to cut the web, finally freeing John from his entanglement. Taking John’s hand, he led him away from the fight, splashing through the leaves. Drawing his bow, he nocked an arrow, pulling the string taut. Without hesitation, the bowman fired into the night, the arrow flying towards the moon.
As the arrow flew, it changed shape, warping itself and the air around it. Within seconds, a hole opened in the night sky. It glowed an iridescent warmth, swirling about a white void of beyond. The archer gestured to the portal, his expression still unchanging. “Go,” he said.
John took a step forward, but was stopped by the outstretched arm of the archer. “Wait.” John tensed, eyes darting around the trees. A chilling wind blew through the dead forest.
The cloaked boy’s eyes blazed, tossing John onto the ground. “Move!” John hit the ground, crushing the crisp verdure. Sitting up, he saw the fate that might have been his.
Another portal had opened, just behind them. And this time, a hand, arm, and machete were jutting through, wildly swinging where John had just been. The bowman drew another arrow, taking a fighting stance.
Slowly, the portal widened, and he watched as a man stepped out of the white void. His two-piece suit was sharply creased, pristine white, and his head was adorned with a matching hat atop sapphire hair.
The archer drew the bowstring back, letting the arrow fly. The man deftly blocked with his blade, sending the arrow into a hazel branch. His eyes were completely blood-red, laced with ebony, and now they were drenched in amusement. “Why, hello there, son of Silas.”
The archer stood back, wary of the intruder. “Chaser,” he snarled.
The man leaned on his machete, grinning incessantly. “Oh? You remembered my name? Well, so did I, Matthew Oracle.” He turned his head to look at John. “And who might you be? Why don’t you come a little closer?” He leaned forward, his grin widening.
Matthew stuck his hand out. “Don’t do it.” John scrambled back, fear falling over him. “Don’t run.”
“What’s wrong, little boy?” Chaser picked up his giant machete, swinging it around leisurely. “Do I scare you?” He strode elegantly forward, laughing. “Whatever shall you do?”
He went to take another step forward, but found himself blocked by Matthew’s arm. “Oh?” He smiled easily. “What’re you going to do? Stop me? Please.” With his, he brought the machete around, slashing viciously at Matthew, only to be blocked by his knife.
“Heh.” Chaser ground his machete down harder, pushing Matthew back. “I think I’ll start with you. I’ll cut you open, rip you apart, and skin you to make a nice rug. And once I’m done with that, I’ll do the same to him!”
Hearing this, John was immediately filled with terror. All rational thought was lost, and all he wanted was to get away. Picking himself up from the forest floor, he ran screaming into the woods. Chaser’s lips curled off his sharp teeth, smiling. “Yes,” he howled.
Matthew jumped back, letting the machete smash down in the earth. “Oh, no,” he muttered, watching John’s disappearing form in the darkness. He turned to look, but Chaser was already gone.
John’s feet crunched in the leaves, churning them as he fled from Chaser. As he neared an oak tree, a hand reached out and grabbed his ankle, tripping him. “Where might you be going?” Chaser smirked, brandishing his sickle. “Can I come, too?”
Getting up again, John tore away, running as fast as his feet could travel. He ripped through the blurred forest, not caring that the hues were once again morphing around him. Gradually, the scene shifted. The withered husks of trees around him became towering, unfamiliar brick buildings. Rain fell, shattering down on the cracked pavement beneath the dim flicker of the alley lights. He was running down an endless alley, and Chaser was in hot pursuit.
John hammered on a metal door, begging for it to open; but it wouldn’t budge. And Chaser just cackled, his demonic eyes and glowing cleaver all that could be seen in the darkness behind.
As he raced on, heart pounding wildly, all he could feel was fear and disbelief. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be! It was impossible! Yet it was, frighteningly so.
A door creaked open ahead of him, with the white-clothed nightmare stepping out. “My, you sure can run.” He popped out of a trash can as John turned to run. “This has been the best feast I’ve had in a while, and I’m not exaggerating.” He disappeared again.
And then his voice sounded out from behind John. “But I’m afraid all good things must come to an end!” The rain split open as his machete sliced through the air.
But then he vanished. An arrow skittered on the pavement, and Chaser reappeared, stooping to pick it up. “Tch.” He talked beyond John to the shadows behind him. “You really are persistent, aren’t you?” He smiled as Matthew stepped into the light. “Well, come on then. Show me what you’re really made of!” He laughed, biting the arrowhead, crushing it between his teeth.
Then the masked boy from before burst from the doorway, readying a colossal punch. Chaser’s eyes flashed, and he stepped aside, letting Matthew’s brother pulverize the brick. He spread his arms openly. “Alfie! It’s been far too long!” As Alfie turned around, Chaser chuckled, dodging another punch. “My, how you’ve grown!”
Chaser ducked beneath a kick, spinning out of a throw, vanishing before a chop. “I mean, last time I saw you, you couldn’t even land a hit on me.” He tilted his neck to the side as Alfie’s fist slammed where his head had been. “Oh wait….is that still the case?”
Another arrow flew from the darkness. Chaser caught it, giving Matthew an annoyed look. “Cut that out already,” he snapped. Tossing the shaft aside, he turned away. “Now where’s Alf-”
He stopped short, looking up. Alfie was above him, preparing a dynamic kick. Chaser grunted. “Son of a-”
Alfie’s kick landed square in his jaw, propelling him down the alley. John felt a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he saw Matthew standing over him. “It’s okay.” he reassured. “Chaser can’t hurt you.”
Chaser brushed himself off, wiping a trail of blood from the corner of his mouth. “Wow,” he snarled. “You really are annoying!” He dashed at Matthew, swinging his sword. “I’ll kill you!”
Alfie flew after him, drawing back his fist. “Don’t you d-” He cut off as his wild punch went through Chaser's back. Time seemed to slow down as the fake Chaser melted back into the shadows. Then a hand reached up from the earth and grabbed Alfie’s ankle, sending him crashing to the ground. Chaser reappeared above him. “Gotcha!” he crowed.
“Alfie!” Matthew nocked another arrow. But then a swarm of spiders erupted from the cracks in the pavement, surrounding him. The spider nightmare from before hadn’t quite quit. Matthew was quickly overcome by the arachnids, his form lost in the jumbling black mass. Wrapped tightly in spider silk, the colony began carting Matthew away.
“Matthew!” Alfie cried, reaching for his brother.
“Hey.” Chaser grunted as he raised his machete. “Pay attention to me!” Laughing madly, he sank his blade into Alfie’s back, sending up a gush of red. Alfie grunted, fist tightening. “That’s right. Squirm, you insect!” Chaser cackled sadistically as he stabbed Alfie, again and again.
As the cleaver plunged in, Alfie locked eyes with John, pleading for something, anything. But John just sat there, paralyzed by fear.
“Die! Die! Die!” Chaser hacked madly at Alfie’s body, until the light had died from his eyes, and Alfie was a mauled mass of flesh on the pavement. Alfie’s fist tightened once, then let go. But not once had he cried out.
Stained red with fountains of blood, Chaser chuckled softly, uprooting his machete, swinging it around. Strolling past John, he sauntered over to the spiders, who had woven a web between the buildings in the alley. “That was fun.” He grinned, turning back to John. “We’ll have to do that again sometime.”
The web glowed white, opening up into a portal. Matthew thrashed from his ensnarement. Chaser shrugged, plucking his collar with his thumbs and forefingers. “But if you’ll excuse me, I need to go clean my suit. Good day.” Tipping his hat, he walked through the portal with the spiders and Matthew, and vanished.
“Hey.” A weak, emaciated groan jerked John from his stupor, there on the cold, wet pavement. “You there.” Alfie was struggling towards him, crawling over the cement, leaving a trail of blood in his wake. “Come over here.”
Too stunned to resist, John stumbled over, sitting down in front of Alfie. “There you go.” Reaching a hand to his blood-soaked face, he pulled off the evil mask, placing it in John’s lap. “Tell my sister I’m sorry, alright? And if you ever meet Matthew again-” Alfie closed his eyes momentarily, then opened them again. “Tell him to live.”
John nodded numbly. Alfie smiled. “Yeah. You’re a good kid, you know that? Now, you hold onto that mask for me. And I know it sounds like a bit much, but give Chaser a kick in the teeth for me, will you?”
John found his voice again, speaking in his ghostly depth. “I will.”
“Hah. That’s good.” Alfie began to glow, becoming a cluster of light. Pieces of illumination drifted away into the murky night sky, undeterred by the heavy rain. “That’s good.” With a final laugh, Alfie dispersed into pieces of light, drifting apart on the wind. John sat back on his hands, watching them go.
Suddenly, the scarlet mask began floating, hovering in front of John’s face. It began to lose shape and fade into color, becoming a ball of warm red light. As he watched in wonder, the sphere buried itself in his chest. And a raging fire awoke in his heart.
The mask took shape over his face, conforming and searing into it, sealing him in an aura of fury. His muscles were flooded with power, and every step he took seemed to shake the earth. He closed his fist confidently. And a wicked smile overcame him.
End of chapter
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Okay, this was beyond good, it was incredible!
I'm about to go and read the next parts like right now. But thought I might as well give you a quick review while I'm here.
I love how genuinely like a nightmare you were able to make this, and being terrified of spiders myself I can completely grasp the terror that John must be feeling, and it was even easier to be able to capture his emotions with your descriptions which were completely amazing!
My favourite paragraph would be this one
'As John raced, the sun, which had been casting brilliance into the forest just moments ago, dropped out of the sky. The ominous moon replaced its twin, draping a damp indigo darkness onto the forest. The trees rotted, shriveling into gaunt husks of their former selves, casting gruesome shadows in the pale moonlight.'
I just love your description and your word choice. You make it really easy to mentally picture what's going on. It's amazing.
If I was to try and look for little criticisms I'd be hard pressed, the only one that I noticed was that in this bit
'This was his first mistake, I hope you realize. Maybe if he hadn’t witnessed the death of a soul, or seen the nightmare with his own eyes, he would’ve remained a normal human. But I sincerely doubt it.'
you seem to write as the narrator, it just seems slightly out of place when compared with the rest of it when it's in third person if you get my meaning.
But other than that I loved every single word.
I look forward to reading more
Burninhell
That's really good!
I thought that this story was very in depth with detail; perhaps to the point of over-saturation. However, it was a very interesting chapter one.
Original
Feedback
Are we John? Are we watching John?
Original
Edited
John raced on.
The sun, which had been casting brilliance into the forest just moments ago, seemed to drop out of the sky.
The pale twin of replacement soon took the sky, casting darkness upon the forest; the trees taking on a new shine, irradiated lifeless hues in the moonlight.
John, panicking, ducked off the beaten path, hiding behind a dying oak.
A loud ruckus indicated the approach of the spider.
John scrunched himself up quietly at the base of the tree and forced himself quiet. The spider’s advance grew; then stopped, as though it had sensed his foul play. Slowly, it searched the area, probing the trees with its rancid breath, prying the leaves with its dagger-like legs. It knew he was hiding, but it didn’t know where.
John curled up tighter in the dead leaves and hard-shelled acorns, as the spider hunted for him, searching for its prey.
Original
Edited
Then he saw it; one hideous ebony leg sliding itself beside him. The breathing of the arachnid seemed to suddenly intensify.
The spider was behind his tree.
He clamped a hand over his mouth, eyes flooding in sheer terror. The slightest whimper would get him killed. The leg felt around, frisking the leaves in the darkness for his body.
The deadly silence seemed to last an eternity under the full moon.
Hello! I don't think we've met before, but I'm Sushi! Anyways, I'll just be doing a little review for you since it's review day (even though I'm not on a team). I hope you find this helpful!
I don't mind here that you broke the fourth wall (spoke directly to the reader) however now you're telling the reader whats happening instead of showing it. There's a thin line between showing and telling in writing, and sometimes it's okay to cross, other times not so much. Here probably isn't one of those times. (Perhaps if you showed it first then did some slight telling afterwards it would be fine) You just finished with some breathtaking description of what he was seeing, and then you break that trend by saying he saw a soul death. Describe the death first, then tell what it is. Whatever you do first is what the reader will remember the most.First, you used some great imagery. The images you were able to paint were absolutely beautiful and stunning, it felt like I was looking at a picture. However, if you could take it one step farther and make me feel like I'm in the book that would be even better. I want to be able to feel the wind that blows and smell the flowers and feel the sun kissing my skin or something along those lines. I'm not saying you have to change this chapter, but if you could incorporate that in future writing that would be awesome.
Also, you have a steady pace, however it feels like it's going too slow. Slow and steady wins the race, however in writing sometimes that can bore the reader. Pacing is always hard because beginnings are normally slow and endings are always too fast, but then when you try to switch it up things get all out of whack. My advice is speed up the beginning just a smidgen, and then when you get to your climax of the story, slow it slightly so that the reader can savor the pure awesomeness.
Oh, on the imagery thing again, when his dream changes to a nightmare, create a mood of panic. The leaves are screaming right? Well there are a lot of leaves so there's gotta be a lot of screaming which should lead to an overwhelmed main character. Good, now let the main character's feelings or emotions or whatever leak through the pages to the reader. Focus on the screaming and the swirling and the feeling of being surrounded.
In comes the spider! Now I HATE spiders, like, I seriously can't stand even the plastic ones. You know how they look so creepy, especially the tarantula ones. Now I normally wouldn't tell anyone to do this, but make it scarier. Make me cringe with the description. It's scenes like this, when you want to evoke an emotion from your reader, where you crank up the imagery. So it had eight blood red eyes, for all I know it could be the cutest spider in the world with eight blood red eyes. Did it have little pincers in the front? Was poison dripping from it's gigantic mouth? What color was it? If you've read Percy Jackson the Mark of Athena one, then you know what you gotta do.
So I realize this focused a lot on imagery, but that gives me more to say in other reviews if I come back. Believe me I'd love to review your other works, however I tend to do a lot of drifting whenever I happen to come on here so who knows when I'll drift back over? Just remember what I said, and remember the reader is at your mercy! (Btw, freaking kind of breaks the mood in descriptions unless you're going for humor) Feel free to message on my wall or PM me if you have any other questions!!!
Sushi
Hello,
This was a very suspenseful introduction to what I think will turn out to be a great story. I have yet to read the next few chapters due to lack of time, but I look forward to it later in the evening.
As for the imagery, I thought it was lovely. It was descriptive, specific, and consistent all the way through. In some stories, imagery can go too far and it can drag the story on and cause the reader to lose interest. However, this did not happen with your story, perhaps because this is a dream world, and lengthy detail is normally required for things that aren't seen by everyone everyday.
I will say, however, that the first sentences, "John was having a dream again. And he was enjoying every second of it. Right up until the nightmare, ..." are a bit distracting. I get the narration, but as an introduction, I feel like this information is blunt. Try not to 'tell' the reader what is going on. With your imagery skills that I've read, you could easily portray the sense that he is in fact in a dream without saying so right off the bat. If you like the clarification that he is actually dreaming, include it somewhere farther on. Give the reader the chance to catch on him/herself first. The same goes for when the dream turns into a nightmare. It is pretty obvious this is happening as the scene changes and the spider comes along. Let the reader feel the impending sense of danger. By telling someone it's going to happen, it will ruin the surprise and the intensity when the actual change happens itself.
The sentence flow was overall consistent and the various lengths and transitions ran smoothly, so I wouldn't worry too much about anything there. There were a few grammar/punctuation mistakes, though they were small. Just try to go back when you have some free time and fix anything you happen to catch in quick revision.
Overall I thought this was a great first chapter, and I am eager to read about the rest of this later tonight.
Keep it up!
~Genesis~
Hi, Chaser,

Wow, this is a pretty stellar first chapter. I'll focus on your specific inquiries since that's what you asked for.
As for imagery, it's very strong. You do a good job not wandering into 'purple prose' and you keep a consistent stream of detail going. The only real suggestion I have regarding this is, because there is a lot of imagery and there is so much detail, to maybe break up some of the imagery with maybe some insight into the characters or the emotions of the scene. I know you address it here and there, but I think it could use a little more. This is a very action-heavy chapter, so there's a lot of description and movement, and it's a little hard to keep up with in some spots.
As for sentence flow, you balance structure and length well, and you establish a nice cadence very early on. No problems there at all.
As for mood, I'd say you tackle it well. It's a very active chapter and there is definitely a sense of high energy throughout, but you have appropriate lulls here and there so it's not overwhelming.
As for the name of your MC, I think it really depends on you. As you develop the character, either he'll grow into his name he has now, or you'll find a name that strikes you. Personally, I was feeling a 'Max' or a 'Henry'.
Okay, that's all I've got. Good luck, I'll be waiting for the next chapter!
That was a really awesome story I look forward to the next chapter, I think you did damn awesome for imagery something I'm still improving in my own work. As for the character name I'm terrible at naming things so I don't know how it sounds but "burning into his chest" "the mask conforming to his face" sounds a lot like hollowfication in bleach, don't know if you watch anime. Ichigo is the first name that comes to mind though because of it. But to anyone who has seen the anime it might bother them. As for chaser leaving to change his suit sounds like one of the arrancar in bleach. But chaser has a great name considering he has that "thrill of the hunt" type personality, something I have too actually. But overall awesome story.