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Young Writers Society


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Dream-Hunters - Chapter Ten

by Chaser


Sitting up, John was just in time to witness Silas rush through the portal, which sealed shut behind him. Moaning groggily, he picked himself up from the ditch that he’d dug with his nose. A splitting headache assailed him as he stood.

Leaping from the crater of shattered tile, he looked around in the bleak department store. Chaser was nowhere in sight. The girl named Tessa was running towards him, tripping a bit in her haste. Across the aisles, Malfunction and Necrophobia were nowhere to be found.

Tessa was in front of him now. Was she saying something? Her expression looked frantic. John reached a hand to his ear, realizing that he was still wearing his headphones. Pulling them around his neck, he tuned in to the girl’s rant.

“What are you? Who were they? What’s with that mask?” Tessa burdened him with dozens of questions, dumping the fear, stress, and confusion of what just happened straight onto John. Then again, he supposed that such a response was only normal.

John felt his face, but the Mask was already gone without a trace. He rewound the events as they had played out, ignoring Tessa’s questions. Malfunction. Him beating Malfunction. Something about the Hands of Hope. Silas becoming Chaser. Chaser becoming-

“That’s it, then,” he stated, crossing his arms and nodding.

“That’s...it?” Tessa asked.

“Yep. Chaser’s dead. Silas is gonna go take out the big boss, and then we can all live happily ever after.” He grinned, dusting off his hands. “So yeah. We’re done here.”

“So...you’ll be leaving now?”

“Yeah. It’s about time to wake up, anyway. Hate to miss a Saturday.” John turned around, focusing his raw anger on one area of space. Just as Silas had taught him. As the Mask returned to his face, an arc of energy erupted from the mouthpiece into the air. Where the light had struck, a portal opened, with its rainbow swirl wrapping around the emptiness beyond.

“I’m getting the hang of this,” John said to nobody in particular. He began to stroll towards the portal. At the edge of the vortex, he turned back to Tessa, scratching his head. “You coming?”

Tessa looked pained, as though she was struggling to make a decision. “Not yet,” she declared suddenly. “Tell me what’s going on here. Now.”

She was persistent, John would give her that. “Sure.” He shrugged. “I don’t see what difference it makes. Let’s see. Have you ever heard of nightmares? Nah, that’s a stupid question. Can you-”

John was cut off by a portal opening above him, dumping Sophie Oracle straight onto his head. Crawling out from beneath her, he rubbed his bruised back, muttering angrily.

Sophie stood up, taking the situation in as another figure dropped through the portal. John gasped. “Exem?”

“Quite so.” The nightmare tipped his hat towards him, while his crow flew over to Tessa’s shoulder and began preening itself.

“So, Acrophobia,” Sophie interrogated. “What’s going on here?”

“What’s ‘going on’ is the most grievous mistake your father could’ve made. You humans seem to have a habit of meddling too deep.” Exem sighed. “He’s gone to attack the Castle of Nightmares.”

“What? All by himself?” Even Sophie looked shocked.

“He seemed pretty confident going through,” Tessa mused.

“It shouldn’t be a problem for Silas. Chaser’s ultimate weapon is in his hands now. In fact, it is his hands.” John chuckled, more than a little pleased with himself. “Ow.” Sophie’s battle-armored behind had left quite a mark on his back.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Exem waved his hand, opening a portal to the Castle. “All you need to know now is that the world is in greater danger than ever before. For the sake of all reality, we must stop Silas Oracle.”

Sophie nodded, flying through, followed suit by the crow. Exem promptly strolled through, tapping his cane rhythmically. Taking Tessa’s hand, John turned to look at her, a half-smile crossing his face. “Guess I’ll have to fill you in on the way.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

His sword carved like a hot knife through butter, slicing nightmares apart, their darkened souls captured by his outstretched hand. Those foolish enough to challenge him were met with cruel oblivion, while those not quick enough to escape suffered the same fate. Silas grinned.

He charged through the Castle of Nightmares, extinguishing every nightmare in his way. He reveled in the gore spilt by his blade, staining the obsidian walls a deeper black. A gluttonous inferno brewed in his heart, along with a desire to make the nightmares extinct. But there was an easy way to do that.

Slowing to a walk, he ignited a snowy aura around his body, throwing open the giant double doors of the throne room. “Phobos!” he yelled.

Phobos sat on his throne, boredly leaning on his cheek. His face was obscured by the dull gray armor that coated his body. It would have seemed that the armor was completely empty, were it not for two baleful eyes that fixated their gaze on Silas. “Oracle,” he said boredly. “Back again, I see.”

Silas sparked his sword on the floor. “That’s right. And this time, there’s nothing to save you.” He bared his teeth, snarling. “I will kill you.”

Phobos sighed. “I ought to know better than to apologize again,” he said, standing up and stretching. “So let’s just get this over with.”

“Let’s.” Silas raised his sword, charging forward with a massive thrust. Phobos halted the sword with one finger.

“It doesn’t matter how hard you try, Silas. You’ll never truly wield the Sword of Light.” Phobos flicked his finger to the side, drawing back his other hand and punching Silas in the face.

Silas recoiled, snarling like a bear stung by hornets. “You’re right.” Raising the sword high, he charged again, blindly slashing at Phobos, who dodged each wild swing. “This sword was never supposed to be mine! But it’s my burden to carry! Because Valerie’s dead now!” He struck Phobos in the side of the head with ruthless hysteria. “And you killed her!”

Phobos staggered to the side, disgruntled. “I did not kill her, Silas. But I won’t pretend that I wasn’t responsible for what happened. Forgive-”

Silas’s sword slammed at his neck, driving him against the wall. Silas held the blade with both hands as Phobos struggled to break free. “You’re going to ask me to forgive you? After stealing my wife into your netherworld? Never!” he screamed. He glared at Phobos’s shadowed visage. “Let me see your face. One more time, you bastard.”

Silas ripped Phobos’s helm from his head, stepping back and letting the helmet drop. There, leaning against the wall, breathing heavily with a hand at his throat, was a mirror image of himself. The same bright blond hair, chiseled jaw, and deep red eyes. A copy of his own face. 

He growled at the sight. “You were the one who made this sword. You gave it to my wife as a gift, so she could be with you in her dreams. Valerie…” He shook his head, a tear flying off. “And do you know what hurts the most?”

Phobos grunted, catching Silas’s thrust with both hands. He grimaced as the blade neared his neck. Silas pushed with all his strength, tears streaming down his face. “She chose you! I don’t know why, but she chose you! Alfie-” he broke off suddenly, whispering. “He’s your son. And she died giving birth to him. Triplets. And no mother to hold them.”

He screamed in grief, the raw pain tearing him apart from within. His blood felt like acid coursing through him, burning him into nothingness. “And that day, during my living nightmare, I found the Sword,” he said. “All I had to do was touch it, and I knew it was Valerie’s. And her dreams came flooding into me. I saw myself, but better than me. I saw the wonders of the dreamworld.”

“And I saw you!” he yelled, driving the tip of his blade closer to Phobos’s throat. “I saw you give her that nightmare-child! His presence alone imbued my children with their dream-relics. They’re the links between our worlds.” He drew back, panting, sticking his sword into the ground to lean on the hilt. “This has been our destiny from the very beginning,” he declared softly. “To exterminate you for good.”

He stood there, breathing heavily in between sobs, as Phobos walked over and picked up his helmet, placing it back on his head. “So it is. I can’t deny that I fell in love with her. But she was fiercely loyal to you. So I tricked her into loving me. I should never have done such a thing,” Phobos said with an edge of anger. “But I did. And now...nothing more can be said. I’m sorry.” His shoulders slumped, and the lights of his crimson eyes dimmed out.

“I’ll never forgive you,” Silas rasped. “Until you die!” Raising his sword again, he rushed at Phobos, screaming in rage and agony. But as he swung, the sword vanished from his grasp, dispersing into pure orbs of light.

Phobos watched the Sword of Light break, impassive. “I’m afraid that your fight ends here, Silas Oracle.” He scowled behind the luminous curtain. “Because you have become so hopelessly tainted that even the final memento of your lover can no longer stand your presence.”

Eyes wide in disbelief, Silas grabbed uselessly at the lights, his hands passing through each one. “No,” he choked. “Don’t leave me, Valerie.” He felt as though his heart was sinking through the floor into a cold, black, listless void. The tears wetted his cheeks, rolling down like drops in a neverending rain.

Phobos watched the melancholy spectacle, sighing outwardly. “I’m sorry, Silas,” he said. “But you’ve suffered long enough in this nightmare.” His armored hand shot out, gripping Silas’s face. “Wake up.”

Silas screamed as his soul flooded with nothing but rushing, relentless fear.


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2631 Reviews


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Sun May 31, 2015 1:27 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hullo, thought I'd stop by and take a look at this. I've not read the previous chapters so if I say something you think you've already covered, please feel free to ignore.

Specifics

1.

“What are you? Who were they? What’s with that mask?” Tessa burdened him with dozens of questions, dumping the fear, stress, and confusion of what just happened straight onto John. [This sentence reads a little awkwardly. Perhaps 'what had just happened' or 'of the recent events' would be a little easier to read.] Then again, he supposed that such a response was only normal.


Words like 'only' or 'just' are very surplus and actually slow down the pace of a novel without adding much. If you read this again without 'only' in it, the pace is quicker and nothing is lost from the narrative voice.

2.
John felt his face, but the Mask was already gone without a trace.
I'm sure it wasn't on purpose, but the rhyme here is awkward. Maybe 'John felt his face, but the mark was already gone, leaving no proof it had ever been there.'

3.
John was cut off by a portal opening above him, dumping Sophie Oracle straight onto his head. Crawling out from beneath her, he rubbed his bruised back, muttering angrily.
The pace is a little too fast here and the lack of description between Sophie falling out of the portal and John crawling out from under her makes this feel cartoonish. I think you need to describe him being knocked to the floor first, even if it's just a simple line like 'He felt his feet give out under her weight' or something.

4.
He charged through the Castle of Nightmares, extinguishing every nightmare in his way. He reveled in the gore spilt spilled by his blade, staining the obsidian walls a deeper black.


5.
Phobos sat on his throne, boredly leaning on his cheek.
Boredly isn't actually a word. Maybe you could have 'Phobos sat on his throne, his head tipped to the side with his armoured cheek pressed against the cold stone. His face was obscured by the same dull gray armour that coated his entire body, but it didn't need to be visible to see that he was bored.' You also repeat boredly in the same paragraph so you need to do something about that as well. Even if it was a word, you should try not to repeat the same description so soon ;)

6.
Phobos sighed. “I ought to know better than to apologize again,” he said, standing up and stretching. “So let’s just get this overwith.”
Missing a space between over and with.

7.
Silas’s sword slammed at his neck, driving him against the wall. Silas held the blade with both hands as Phobos struggled to break free.
I'm finding this a little hard to picture. Has the sword gone through his armour or is he pinned in a corner? Unless the sword has actually gone through him, I can't imagine he'd be pinned down and if it has pierced him, we need to have that described and to know if it hurt him or not.

8.
Silas ripped Phobos’s helm from his head, stepping back and letting the helmet drop.
When names end in an 's', instead of adding an apostrophe and another s, it's just the apostrophe so Phobos' helm would be correct.

Overall

This was a little confusing but I'll put that down to coming in halfway through a story and admit that I liked it for the most part. The action keeps the reader on the edge of their toes and there's enough dialogue and backstory that I can see you have some complicated characters going on here. I don't have much more to say without understanding better the world that you've created but good work so far!

~Heather




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Sat Apr 25, 2015 11:01 pm
kevin25a wrote a review...



Well that was really average, kind of didn't live up to the middle chapters. It was good to finally get old issues put to rest, but everything about that final battle was bad. Phobos disregarding the danger, the lack of action for a final battle, the sword breaking, the apology right as he gets kicked out. You did good in the beginning, great in the middle, but the last couple chapters haven't been as good as you started. This chapter was good I guess, but if another is added it will really just bury the story at that point. A lot went unexplained between chapters, and more was left out between them near the end. Some of it was what really started ruining the story. Between chapters you don't just fail to mention how people get places, why the went there, and how things first started. Your chapters have been extremely disconnected here and the two before, and you failed to elaborate on key hows whens and whos.

In all honesty your story just doesn't have the edge chapters one to seven did. It was good, but feels like you just stopped caring or trying around chapter eight. I do like the story, but feel you should rework 8 - 10 a bit.




Chaser says...


I'll admit that I rushed these chapters a bit to get them out for Review Day. I'll probably revise most of the pieces anyway.
I'd also like to take this moment to apologize, since I still have 6-8 more chapters' worth of material. There's more to Chaser's plan than you knew.



kevin25a says...


I figured that was to easy for an ending. I don't publish before review day, so I can avoid any rush but that's just me.




“If lightning is the anger of the gods, then the gods are concerned mostly about trees.”
— Lao Tzu