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138,428 Literary Works • 672,118 Reviews
Hey, dwyn!
This is an amazing piece. I liked how you started the poem with slow pace, it felt pleasant by reading this line:
The affection for the respective person was well engraved.
The speaker has stated that her belovedholds manual to her heart. And breathing the shards of glass when they are intimate and his absence coughing them back.
These were great lines, so intense. I enjoyed reading it.
Could see the potential in you, keep up the awesome writing! Looking forward for more of your works.
Thanks!
Welcomed
Thanks for sharing this poem about a bitter sweet relationship. The speaker describes himself as a victim.As one who either inhales or coughs up shards of glass when near or far from the other. The poem doesn't tell us about the healing. The speaker asks whether the other is aware of how much pain is being inflicted. In other words if it is done maliciously or by accident.
The imagery that impressed me is the inhalation and coughing up of glass shards. That is a painful image indeed, and it made me visualize blood being expelled during that hacking cough. Yet, despite the pain, the speaker chooses to stay within range.
No one is forcing the person to be in the vicinity of the one who causes him to inhale the glass shards to begin with, and he knows that when she leaves, the coughing will start again.
Instead of thinking about how to terminate the relationship, the speaker tells us that he is trying to decide which hurts more, inhaling the glass shards or coughing them up.
Excuse me but. LOL!
Suggestions
Even though you don't use regular punctuation the spaces made the read go smoothly.
There seems to be a change of mood between the two sections of the poem.The intro has the person accepting everything calmly by saying it is OK.
The second section seems to be complaining about the pain.
I would say that the poem would be more balance in mood if a description of how the other is also a healer is included. That would go nicely with the intro which focuses on everything being OK after all.
<3
<3
Salutations @dwyn, I love your gif( as if you don't know that it's super cool).
I love your poem, I can see your feelings in the poem. It's almost like you're talking to me face to face. I think that the font really adds to the effect this poem has on people. It's a very heartfelt poem and people can really see that. The feelings in this poem aren't something you made up of imagined, they're real.
I'm not sure if you meant to have the questions with their own lines in verse three, but it would help if flow better.
I can't wait to read your future poetry and will read your older works.
Thanks
No problem