Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,831 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
*LOCKED*
Plagiarism.
Thankyou so so much for reading, June and Kirsten. XD
Wow! Demeter's review was good.
but I disagree with her about the start, I think (despite having no poetic talent at all) that it's fine as an opening sentence (but I'd check with people who actually know something about it 
)
We draw thick outlines,
try to make the colours suit.
Base them on our sisters,
mothers, future daughters.
Cut out the crayon mouths,
create the hands that hold
the Ring Of Roses fast.
I love this stanza, when you refer to the Ring of Roses, that's the dance you do isn't it, where you go:
ring a ring a roses a pocket full of poses ....
gosh I sound completely obtuse
In future years,
you'll say you used to know a girl,
who pressed her hand
into the small of your back.
For now, we cut out people,
without meanings.
It is a struggle,
just to make them talk.
Again; it works extremely well.
Somewhere you are feeling too,
sat in a classroom, making paper promises,Paper promises, how cute?
trying to make the outlines neat.
We never seem to make the fingers touch,
and hang them on the classroom wall for
all to see,
or just our mothers at this point.
Hearts,
good and bad intentions,
shining from our sleeves.
Narrative Voice
Strong as per usual. Well developed and rigorous descriptions make the narrative voice in this poem incredible. Bronte's is written all over the language you use in your poems Sarah.
Description
As usual it was incredible Sarah. Your description is almost equal to that of the Bronte's. I adore your description, it makes me disappear into other worlds. I love it
Grammar
Flawless.
Overall
This poem is great Sarah. I adore it as per usual. Your language skills are prodigious
The narrative voice in these poems is admirably strong. These are masterpieces in their own rights!
Guess What?
I loved it! Huge suprise there then! How do you not get bored of me Sarah? How?
-Kirsten xxx
Thankyou very much for your feedback, Demeter, Squall and CK Lynn. It is very much appreciated.
This was really, really good. I'm not sure what it was really about, but the imagery and tone was fantastic. It had a really nice flow, everything meshed together well and it was all coherent. hat said, as much as I liked the language, you have to make this sound more like it means something, other than just being abstract.
Hey there Castles. I always like reading your works for some reason, they have that sort of strangeness to them.
I like your use of enjambment here. It really does place emphasis of the drastic changes one has to make to ensure everything is in balance. The only issue that I have is that you need to be more specific with what your thick outlines are (eg: colour)
Your personification here is superficial. Firstly, you were focusing on the drawing beforehand so that doesn't leave you much room to characterise the crayon further to make this personification more rooted in context with the poem. Secondly, I don't really see the purpose of this personification. When you cut a person or an object's mouth, you are silencing them from expressing their thoughts or feelings. The next two lines doesn't follow through from this as it talks about creation instead.
The hands seem redundant. Do we as the audience really need to know as to what's holding their friendship/ love up?
The symbolism of "Ring of Roses" (although I can see as to why you would use this) is quite haphazardly used since it's literal meaning is out of context. It would had fitted better with the poem if the poem was based around a gardening theme, weddings, Hawaiian Holidays etc. (You know, places or events which will have more of a purpose and meaning for having a Ring of Roses).
This line isn't as strong as it could had been. The reason for this is that you haven't exactly defined as to what part of a person's life the previous stanza is referring to. You see, when you use a phase that refers to the future of one's life, it is often used for contrast, to compare events or ideas from one time frame to another. I can assume that you are referring to the pre-school years since you mentioned crayons, colours and siblings which are generally associated with kids drawing (more specifically, drawing members of their family) as a way to get the child more familiar with their society.
What do you mean by "small of your back"? Be more precise and clearer with your word choices.
I really like this enjambment (You could also say that it's a pun since it has several meanings). It creates quite an accurate idea of how teenagers nowadays would isolate or shun out those that do not meet the stereotype of being popular. It also draws parallels to the "childhood" time-frame back in Stanza 1. From my experiences, teens would be cutting out famous celebrates from magazines as tribute to them, even though these celebrates haven't done anything to help them out in their lives. But during the childhood years, kids would cut people out instead to help express themselves as well as for teaching purposes. If I remember correctly, one time we had to cut pictures of our family members as part of a colleague to tell a story with our families in mind. It was cute lol and definitely has more meaning than idolization of someone that barely even knows you as a person. Good work here.
This one is weaker as it isn't specific enough. Make them talk about what? How is it a struggle?
Feeling what?
What are these outlines? You've mentioned it earlier in your first stanza, but I still can't see what it is.
This is pretty good imagery, but can you be more precise as to what you mean by good and bad intentions?
Nix it, this doesn't even make sense.
Overall impressions:
I think you have a theme evident in this piece at the start, but it seems to be missing the second half of the puzzle when you move onto your second stanza. I think I can get what you are trying to say, but you need to be more specific. Generally viewing this, there isn't much of a difference between teenagers and children in terms of what. They are both adventurous and social. But looking deeper, I think you should focus on the difference of creativity between children and teenager as there is quite a difference. The first stanza and the enjambment that I've quoted and said that I liked is what you should salvage and used to build up your point. The third stanza could add to this idea, but you need to be more specific about the good/bad intention aspect in relation to a child's mother.
Structurally, your piece is flawed due to excessive use of enjambments. Enjambment is when the meaning of a line of poetry is completed on the next line. This convention is often use to place emphasis on an idea or add to the rhythm and flow of the lines. The problem however is that key phrases in your poem aren't well distinguished because of this. I can see that you are using this convention more for flow, but you really need to find a way to emphasize your key phrases or else they wouldn't have enough power to persuade the reader.
A bit more imagery at the start can help in making it more clearer that the first stanza is set during the child-hood timeframe of a person's life. With the second stanza, you should try to reinforce the idea that I've quoted and draw a clear link with the first stanza.
Overall though, I did enjoyed reading this and I thank you for sharing this.
Good luck.
Andy.
Hi, Sarah!
Seeing as this is the opening stanza, the imagery should be stronger and it should create an atmosphere that makes the reader forget all about the surrounding world. While I was reading this, it didn't even slip my mind that I was sitting in my room staring at the computer screen.
This stanza was a little all over the place. The ideas behind it are pretty, but you kind of neglect them by telling them so casually, and they didn't really have anything to do with each other. I would actually suggest that you completely rewrite this stanza, leaving the basic thoughts but changing the words.
Unfortunately this stanza had the feeling of messiness to it, too. The words and lines seem to be kind of lost, looking for each other and their places in the poem.
I haven't yet been able to make up any whole overall meaning to your poem. I kind of missed the whole thing, it seems. I think the basic problem is that you've thought so much of bringing the poem together and making it reflect the story behind it that you've sort of forgotten to use any deeper imagery. Or maybe it's just too deep for me to realize
I apologise for completely tearing this apart, but it's nothing personal – you know I love you.
Demeter xxx
Thankyou so much, sofi and teddybear. You both rock majorly for reading this, it's really amateur-ish and not half as good as some of the poetry on this site.
You're right about the concept of the poem, sofi. There's a few more meanings but I'll let the readers figure them out for themselves, or it loses the mystery.
Thanks to both of you for reading, again. I really appreciate it.
Sarah
x
Wow, this was really good. The meanings were out in the open and it was really sweet. I remember cutting out paper dolls and playing with them, but I've never related it to what I do now. Come to think of it, I do cut things out and fold them and try to make them say something that has a meaning, but it never comes out. How many times do we forget that simple action? Thanks for wrting this. Keep writing!
Wow...I really loved this.
haha have you written any other poems or will you be posting more? If you do please PM me or something I'd love to read them even if my review isn't of much help.
It seemed to me that this poem is about trying to make people into something they are not? Or trying to make yourself fit into what you should be or, perhaps, what other people think you should be?
I'm not sure- poetry is not really my strong point but either way, whether I understood it or not it was a great poem. I take my hat off to you
It sounded very melancholy and lonely- was that intentional? It worked very well, I thought.
You've impressed me
Although I do have one suggestions and that would just be the second line of the last stanza: I think it should be 'sitting' rather than 'sat' maybe? But, like I said, poetry isn't my strong point so I could be wrong.
Sofi.