[deleted]

*LOCKED*

Plagiarism.

Hi Sarah!

1. Dresser



At night I lay them out, Nice and sweet opening line, I like it!

each ribbon touched by

so many thumbs, I imagine

myself in one, the warmth

at drawing in each corset tight.

This stanza was, in two words, very beautiful. Good job so far.



Powdered make-up sticks

to my hands, clings Why is there "to"? That kind of stood out for me...

to my tongue as sweet

rouge grabs my cheeks. I believe you could say this a little more... sweetly, you know. "Grab" isn't really the best word for this, especially when I'm imagining this pretty, graceful girl moving like the spring. What I'm saying is that it doesn't fit in the atmosphere, please consider replacing it.



And on stage, eyes Saying the "on stage" does make this a whole lot easier for the reader, but it'd be pretty interesting to see where you can go with this line.

like black ink on me. Not a bad line at all!

2. Tower


In the monastery

rosary beads click to the hum This is a disturbingly catching line.

of vespers, while I chalk off Is "chalk off" the best expression for this situation? Are there others ways you could say this?

the days, forget what other leylines

brought me.

Interesting... this makes me want to read more, so nice job for an opening. Unfortunately I don't know the meaning of "leyline", because my vocabulary is not that great after all.



And in the tower Not strong enough

the flutter of wings against stone. Hmm, I'm not too crazy about this line, probably the word "flutter" makes it.

This is what you gave me, Consider replacing the comma with a dash

I send it back, hidden in folds

of the messenger's cloak:



a girl's laugh

as she runs for the chapel door. Beautiful ending.

3. Boy



From the train I Skilful start – want to read more now.

see the boy in blue,

the only figure in the field, I'd end the sentence here.

hair white straw, legs as This confused me a little, because the line stops so suddenly. Think about this.

pale, reaching out to climb

railings. His kite stuck

in between electric wires.

CastlesInTheSky wrote:3 not-really-connected poems. They were too short to post as seperate ones though. Feeback appreciated.

1. Dresser

At night I lay them out,
each ribbon touched by
so many thumbs, I imagine
myself in one, the warmth
at drawing in each corset tight.

Powdered make-up sticks
to my hands, clings
to my tongue as sweet
rouge grabs my cheeks.

And on stage, eyes
like black ink on me.


(I like this! It reminds me of a night performer... somehow it indicates that the narrator is someone who transforms themselves at night to be someone different? It's really hard to put to words what this means, but I somewhat grasp the feeling. Like, as if, someone is using the make up to mask who they are and then on stage they are someone completely different that everyone looks up to. Or at least looks forward to. I like it anyhow-- and I'm not just saying that because I'm addicted to your poetry)


2. Tower

In the monastery
rosary beads click to the hum
of vespers, while I chalk off
the days, forget what other leylines
brought me.

And in the tower
the flutter of wings against stone.
This is what you gave me,
I send it back, hidden in folds
of the messenger's cloak:

a girl's laugh
as she runs for the chapel door.

(Hmm... this is good. It reminded me of a church setting with some thing spiritual to it. It seems like it's supposed to have some hidden message-- almost prophecy to it. I like poems like this that are vague and leave the reader thinking about it until they figure out what it all means. Very, very well done Sarah!)


3. Boy

From the train I
see the boy in blue,
the only figure in the field,
hair white straw, legs as
pale, reaching out to climb
railings. His kite stuck
in between electric wires.

(This made me think of a homeless boy, or a boy who constantly wanders the streets who finds amusement in simple things such as a kite, and holds onto them. Something about how he's reaching to climb the railings and his kite is stuck, tells us that he wants it back-- almost needs it back, otherwise he would have given up already. It seems like he's going after what little bit he has. Another poem that makes me think deeply . Welllllllll done!)

Thankyou for reading.

Interesting. I really like these. I didn't fully understand them, but they're good all the same.
Keep it up

I found these very intriguing, mainly because I don't fully understand the first two- but in this case I think it can work as a positive thing. They have a certain ambiguity about them which makes them much more interesting to read. Was that intentional?

What were you trying to portray or convey when you wrote them?

Once again, though, really well done!

Sofi.