old & deleted <3
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Please feel free to ignore mcey advice it is not intended to offend you hurt you demean you or your story in anyway, that said please brace yourself.
1. Word usage and repidition
Okay this is good but, I think you don't need to repeat you don't know me at all more then three or four times per paragraph. Okay so I an knew to reviewing liyrics but I have listened to alot of songs and none have ever repeated the main line more then a few times.
2. General
Forgive me for this but-your married aren't you? I think you could add in some sorrow into this, okay so we know that the writer is tired of bitterness but talk about his pain that his/her
s sorrow at the fact that he thinks all those nasty things.
Otherwise I think this is perfect. Amazing job!
Hi there Carlito! Niteowl here to write her 1100th review!
So first off, this song definitely got "You Don't Know Me" by Ben Folds and Regina Spektor in my head. But of course when I tried to Google it I got several different artists that have songs with that title. So I guess it's a really common sentiment.
Secondly, I think it is kind of hard to review lyrics without a sense of the music. Sometimes I can come up with a rhythm/tune in my head as I read, but I didn't in this case. Maybe that's because the lines in the verses are really long compared to the simple chorus. I imagine it works with the music, but it's kind of hard to read.
My favorite part of this is the bridge. It's simple and I can almost hear it building up with music to a final chorus.
I'm not so sure about the three line stanzas in each verse. The first one is interesting, setting up the scene. I also like the line "We talk like a masquerade". I just have trouble fitting it in with the rhythm of the rest of the piece. The four line stanzas still have long lines, but they flow better and the aabb rhyme scheme helps the structure.
The second three line stanza feels less interesting to me, but maybe it's a necessary setup to the narrator getting stronger in the next stanza. Also, "prove/proof" kind of feels like you're rhyming the same word with itself, which is something I personally try to avoid.
The chorus is pretty simple, which is cool, but I wonder if it's not a little overboard with the repetition. Like when I say the line out loud, repeating "know me" four times feels a little much.
Overall, I actually really like this. I feel like the song progresses well from someone who feels stifled by the other person to someone who's finding themselves and rejecting what the other person thinks of them. The long verses make a nice contrast with the simple chorus and bridge. Keep writing!
im sorry if this isnt helpful, but i really like this. it conveys pain and healing in a more subtle way than most.
which i appreciate. hope to read more from you!
im sorry if this isnt helpful, but i really like this. it conveys pain and healing in a more subtle way than most.
which i appreciate. hope to read more from you!