Young Writers Society

I think, to tell you the truth, that this poem/song will help me get through my own struggles. So even though the execution wasn't my favorite thing ever (see below), the meaniing is perfect!
Complaints first:
-The rhyme and meter were off. This was very distracting.
-Some phrases were a little vague/confusing.

Now, positives: I can relate to the feeling of low self-esteem that the speaker addresses. You did a good job bringing that up without being depressing.

Heya, Carlito! Casanova here to do a review for you!

Anyway, when I first looked at this I thought I was mistaken. LYRICS? I rarely see them nowadays, but here we are. Anyway, to the review!

I'll be taking this piece by piece, so I hope you don't mind.

When darkness tried to take me over,
And I woke up every morning feeling colder
I said today will be a better day – it has to be
It’s the only way that I’ll keep moving

Breathe it in, count to ten,
Hold your breath, and just forget
All the reasons you’re still trying
Walk through your day and hold a smile,
Pretend you’re fine just for a while,
They don’t have to know how hard you’re trying

I had to learn to trust,
How to move when I get stuck,
That others aren’t the enemy,
That I am strong and I don’t need
To hide, let me come into the light
I am a butterfly

When poison tried to overtake me,
Twist my mind and paralyze me
I drift and think of all the worst things – what if, what if
I swear this time I’m going crazy

This is really good, wow. Lyrics are really interesting to read even if I can't never seem to think of how to review them. And these words are really good!

I like your chorus a lot, but I keep wanting to add a "how" after learn in the first line, just to better match it up with the following line. You matched the beginning of lines three and four, and I kind of liked how it flowed together, but it's your song, so whatever you like more. Also, if you don't especially like the last line, then maybe you could change it to something like " to emerge from the night," if you wanted to keep your rhyme pattern, but that doesn't really relate your song to its title... Maybe like "to emerge new, from the night." I'm not sure really.

One line I think didn't flow well was "when love it came then passed by" because it seems too wordy, in a way. I'm not sure if you put "it" by mistake or by choice, since that's the word that, to me, messes with the line. I'd like the line more if it was a little clearer. The other line that doesn't sound completely right is "why are head and heart always fighting." I like this line a lot, don't get me wrong; the meaning is really truthful, but I feel like you need a "my" after are, to make this more easy to follow. I understand what it's supposed to convey, but the wording seems a little off to me.

I know you had a discussion with Lupa22 below this review, but I think you need to tweak the "I'll" in "it's the only way that I'll keep moving" because that's not in the same tense. I don't know if or how you'll edit this, but I think if you just changed "I'll" to "I can," then it'd be fine!

I'm sorry if this review didn't help you - I hope it did. I'm never entirely sure how to review lyrics and the such, but this was so good that I had to at least try. Really great job!

Hey Carlito! Lupa here for a review. Let's start...

1) Your tenses switch quite a lot, sometimes in the middle of a stanza. For example: "When poison tried to overtake me, / Twist my mind and paralyze me / I drift and think of all the worst things – what if, what if / I swear this time I’m going crazy" Do you see where you changed tenses? I think you should fix that to make it less confusing to the reader.

2) The format of your lyrics was really weird. At the seventh stanza, you suddenly shortened it to three lines instead of four, and the eighth stanza had three instead of six. If this was intentional, I would like to know the reason behind it, but I wasn't expecting the stanzas to be so short there.

3) The most important line of the song kind of sounded... empty. "I am a butterfly" doesn't sound like the line that would go with the song here. To be honest, I feel like you could cut it off on the line before it: "To hide, let me come into the light." Your whole chorus is building up to the last line, but the last line isn't all that great.

I have a hard time reviewing songs and whatnot, so I hope my critiques were helpful and decent. Keep writing, Carlito!

XOX,
Lupa22