Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Lyrics » Lyrical

E - Everyone

Metamorphosis

by Carlito


When darkness tried to take me over,
And I woke up every morning feeling colder
I said today will be a better day – it has to be
It’s the only way that I’ll keep moving


Breathe it in, count to ten,
Hold your breath, and just forget
All the reasons you’re still trying
Walk through your day and hold a smile,
Pretend you’re fine just for a while,
They don’t have to know how hard you’re trying


I had to learn to trust,
How to move when I get stuck,
That others aren’t the enemy,
That I am strong and I don’t need
To hide, let me come into the light
I am a butterfly


When poison tried to overtake me,
Twist my mind and paralyze me
I drift and think of all the worst things – what if, what if
I swear this time I’m going crazy


Turn off my brain, for I can’t trust,
Where I will turn before getting stuck
My mind, I swear, lives to betray me
Just make a choice, it’s not that hard
You think too much, it’s in the cards
Why are head and heart always fighting


I had to learn to trust,
How to move when I get stuck,
That I am not the enemy,
That I am strong and I don’t need
To hide, let me come into the light
I am a butterfly


When love it came then passed me by,
With all of them and all their lies,
One mangled mess after the other


One by one the love fell through,
And I lost me because of you
I had to grow up from the ground when I was nothing


I had to learn to trust,
How to move when I get stuck,
That love is not the enemy,
That I am strong and I don’t need
To hide, let me come into the light
I am a butterfly


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
95 Reviews


Points: 31
Reviews: 95

Donate
Sun Feb 12, 2017 11:30 pm
BeTheChange wrote a review...



I think, to tell you the truth, that this poem/song will help me get through my own struggles. So even though the execution wasn't my favorite thing ever (see below), the meaniing is perfect!
Complaints first:
-The rhyme and meter were off. This was very distracting.
-Some phrases were a little vague/confusing.

Now, positives: I can relate to the feeling of low self-esteem that the speaker addresses. You did a good job bringing that up without being depressing. :)




User avatar
624 Reviews


Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Donate
Tue Feb 07, 2017 9:28 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Carlito! Casanova here to do a review for you!

Anyway, when I first looked at this I thought I was mistaken. LYRICS? I rarely see them nowadays, but here we are. Anyway, to the review!

I'll be taking this piece by piece, so I hope you don't mind.

When darkness tried to take me over,
And I woke up every morning feeling colder
I said today will be a better day – it has to be
It’s the only way that I’ll keep moving


My first thought is the rhyme. The first two lines rhyme, then the last two doesn't. This normally wouldn't matter, but in the next set of verses there's only two lines that rhyme- and that's near the end. Why the inconsistent rhyme scheme? It's just something that caught my attention.

Breathe it in, count to ten,
Hold your breath, and just forget
All the reasons you’re still trying
Walk through your day and hold a smile,
Pretend you’re fine just for a while,
They don’t have to know how hard you’re trying


Aye, here's some good lines. I really like the message behind these, and I also enjoy the way they're executed. So I would have to say props for that. Anyway, onward.

I had to learn to trust,
How to move when I get stuck,
That others aren’t the enemy,
That I am strong and I don’t need
To hide, let me come into the light
I am a butterfly


Here's something I didn't like. I didn't really enjoy the switch between the second and third line, nor did I particularly enjoy the switch from the fifth line to the sixth line. It just seemed a bit unnatural to me, but that could just be me. Anyway, onward.

When poison tried to overtake me,
Twist my mind and paralyze me
I drift and think of all the worst things – what if, what if
I swear this time I’m going crazy


My first thought- what if what? I know there's a lot of what ifs in someone's life, but this seems to be an important one, and I'd like to see what it is.

Anyway, overall I think you have decent lyrics with some minor flow issues(the way I read it, at least), and could use some tweaking in your switches from line to line. Besides that you have a strong idea and I like the way it's done, so props for that.

I think that's all I have on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




User avatar
94 Reviews


Points: 3571
Reviews: 94

Donate
Mon Feb 06, 2017 5:36 am
View Likes
deleted868 wrote a review...



This is really good, wow. Lyrics are really interesting to read even if I can't never seem to think of how to review them. And these words are really good!

I like your chorus a lot, but I keep wanting to add a "how" after learn in the first line, just to better match it up with the following line. You matched the beginning of lines three and four, and I kind of liked how it flowed together, but it's your song, so whatever you like more. Also, if you don't especially like the last line, then maybe you could change it to something like " to emerge from the night," if you wanted to keep your rhyme pattern, but that doesn't really relate your song to its title... Maybe like "to emerge new, from the night." I'm not sure really.

One line I think didn't flow well was "when love it came then passed by" because it seems too wordy, in a way. I'm not sure if you put "it" by mistake or by choice, since that's the word that, to me, messes with the line. I'd like the line more if it was a little clearer. The other line that doesn't sound completely right is "why are head and heart always fighting." I like this line a lot, don't get me wrong; the meaning is really truthful, but I feel like you need a "my" after are, to make this more easy to follow. I understand what it's supposed to convey, but the wording seems a little off to me.

I know you had a discussion with Lupa22 below this review, but I think you need to tweak the "I'll" in "it's the only way that I'll keep moving" because that's not in the same tense. I don't know if or how you'll edit this, but I think if you just changed "I'll" to "I can," then it'd be fine!

I'm sorry if this review didn't help you - I hope it did. I'm never entirely sure how to review lyrics and the such, but this was so good that I had to at least try. Really great job!




Carlito says...


Hey Kal!! Thanks for the review! I agree, I think lyrics are some of toughest works to review on here because you can't hear the tune and it's so subjective.

The way I hear the chorus, I put a beat after "trust" and then "how to move" is sort of quick. That probably makes no sense, I need to practice piano more so I can show people how I hear my lyrics. That would help 90% of my problems :P

"why are head and heart always fighting" - I feel the same way. I like the line, but even in my head it doesn't quite fit in with the tune I have going. There are too many syllables. Lyrics are the worst. You need the right number of syllables and the right slant rhyme while still making it sound pretty. Why do I do this to myself? :P

The tenses are super confusing. In the first stanza, I probably could have denoted this better, but "today will be a better day %u2013 it has to be
It%u2019s the only way that I%u2019ll keep moving" is all what the person is saying in that moment. So they wake up feeling super sad and say "today will be a better day, it has to be, it's the only way that I'll keep moving". I do need to take a closer look at the tenses though throughout the song.

I'm glad you liked the song and thanks for taking the time to review it!! :D



deleted868 says...


You're welcome Carlito! That does make sense, don't worry, and yes having music would definitely make it easier for readers to picture the song, lol. I get it more now that you've explained it!

Yeah I keep getting stumped on that line. Is because you're striving to create a wonderful song, XD.

The tenses really are. I've tried to write stuff before, and I get stuck trying to figure out what tense to write in, whoops.

I'm glad you wrote this song, and you're very welcome!



User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 2194
Reviews: 557

Donate
Sat Feb 04, 2017 11:07 pm
View Likes
erilea wrote a review...



Hey Carlito! Lupa here for a review. :D Let's start...

1) Your tenses switch quite a lot, sometimes in the middle of a stanza. For example: "When poison tried to overtake me, / Twist my mind and paralyze me / I drift and think of all the worst things – what if, what if / I swear this time I’m going crazy" Do you see where you changed tenses? I think you should fix that to make it less confusing to the reader.

2) The format of your lyrics was really weird. At the seventh stanza, you suddenly shortened it to three lines instead of four, and the eighth stanza had three instead of six. If this was intentional, I would like to know the reason behind it, but I wasn't expecting the stanzas to be so short there.

3) The most important line of the song kind of sounded... empty. "I am a butterfly" doesn't sound like the line that would go with the song here. To be honest, I feel like you could cut it off on the line before it: "To hide, let me come into the light." Your whole chorus is building up to the last line, but the last line isn't all that great.

I have a hard time reviewing songs and whatnot, so I hope my critiques were helpful and decent. :D Keep writing, Carlito!

XOX,
Lupa22




Carlito says...


Hey thanks for the review! :D

1. I agree, it should probably be "poison tries" to keep it consistent. I think I went for past so it would be like the first stanza, but then I thought the rest of it worked better in present :p

2. I never seem to follow a set format :p I was going to model the last verse off of the previous two, but then I felt like I said everything I needed to say with those six lines. I guess it's like the bridge?

3. And I completely agree. The way I hear it in my head, it sounds like there needs to be something after "come into the light" and I labored forever on that. I went with "I am a butterfly" to reference the title - like I went through this metamorphosis and now I'm a butterfly. But I'm not super happy with it either.

I think lyrics are super hard to critique! Even though I write them, I rarely review them :p Thanks so much!! :D



erilea says...


You're very welcome! :D




He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.
— Friedrich Nietzsche