old & deleted <3
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Calito, hey, I just wanted to say that this one was great. I can't go without letting you know that this had amazing flow and that if you throw in some instrumental we will be in for one heck of a show.
RhymeBlizzard out.
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it
I have a piano part roughed out, but I haven't gotten very far with it :p
Oh, I sang it as a rock song of a sort. It's nice
YOU ARE THE BEST! Why? Because you wrote a positive piece! I'm a major optimist, so I naturally love seeing positive messages, and lately I've found there weren't enough of them around here. But anyways, I loved this piece. In fact, the whole time I was drawing comparisons between it and my own relationship. I think I'll show this piece to my girlfriend, who coincidentally is also on the YWS. Oh yes, and it's getting a like from me. No question. ^^
Thank! Glad you liked it
This is so sweet, Carlito! <3
Recommendations
"That it's a risk to take" sounds better to me. It's just a recommendation, of course!
So by the end of the song, we know that "I think I might be" ends with "in love." So what is "but how do you know" referring to? Is she asking the boy she likes, "How do you know I'm in love?" I wouldn't think so, because I think that the narrator is trying to figure out if the guy likes her in the first place. Especially because it's the last line in the chorus and is therefore repeated quite often, I'd revise it ever so slightly. Something like "But how can I know," which is saying, "how can I know that I'm truly in love this time?" I don't know xD That was really confusing, wasn't it?
Enough of me trying to find nitpicks in this piece.
Things I liked
Random thing I noticed: I love this old duo known as Simon & Garfunkel (you might have heard of them - Mrs. Robinson? The Sound of Silence?), and the structure of your chorus reminds me a lot of the chorus of this song of theirs. In both songs, the chorus consists of three repeated lines - each one six syllables, and the middle one accented the most - and a final line. After I noticed that I read your lyrics again in that melody and it kinda (that word's important) worked. The verses, not so much, but the chorus, definitely.
*Randomness over*
It's weird - the rhythm, the word choice, or something you have going on in this song fools me into thinking that it rhymes. But it doesn't, except for that pairing of "do" and "you." But still, my brain swears that it rhymes. Dear me, what is this sorcery? Let's look at the first verse. "Failures" and "liars." Quite similar if you look at that "urs" part. "Dreams" and "me" also share the "ee" sound. "Taste" and "take." Very similar too. Hmm... Did you do that on purpose, by using similar-sounding words? Is that why I'm fooled into thinking that this song rhymes?
That's my favorite bit from this piece. It's the happy resolution, answering the narrator's relentless question. It's also structured nicely with even syllables.
I pretty much liked this entire thing. It was a sweet little romance packed into well-structured lyrics and a catchy chorus. As I expected, knowing I was going to read one of Carlito's perfect songs, I don't have much else to say. To put it simply, you're a pro at this. Good luck assembling the rest of your album! Hopefully I was helpful in some way.
~Wolfie
Thanks for the review!! You made some really good points