Young Writers Society

I like it! Its a song, isn't it? I really like how you've rhymed the lines, and yet not quite rhymed them. The title is really good. Just one question: what is a purple lion?

Overall, great job. Keep it up!

Mysticalxx

The Big Review

Hi Carlito! I was going to review the last chapter of your "Mic Night" book, but it doesn't look like I'll have enough time to (my dad wants me to practice golf right now >.<). I apologize in advanced because I know this review is going to be rushed, and I'm not as good at reviewing poetry or lyrics, as I'm far from a poet or songwriter myself, but I'll try my best!

My, my... I can really tell how experienced you are as a lyricist by reading just this one song. The mention of the "monster slayer" is just like the title of your portfolio. Perhaps it's the title of an album you have planned?

500 miles but not forever

Hello, Carlito! Pomp here for The Big Review. I've never been too great at critiquing lyrics, but seeing as I could find nothing recent to review, I hope you'll bear with my rambles~

So, my initial thoughts on this piece were mostly running along these lines: that this is a concept I've seen before, and heard before, and tried to understand before. Meaning, while the story itself is relatable (since it talks about long-distance/failed relationships and longing), the piece falls under the heading of lyrical cliché. I think, when it comes down to it, what we choose to write about depends entirely on us, but as a reader--and a listener to music in general XD--I was bothered by two things:

1) That this is an idea that has been played with a million times; it's not new.

2) Even if it is a common idea, it lacks freshness. It lacks 'spin'. It does not make me ache, feel anything different, or want to re-read the piece again and again just to get that feel. I want to get ache-y feelings from this, really, I do. But the beginning does not hook me. The word-choice in certain places is powerful, but at other points it sounds very ... familiar.

What I want as a reader: Something fresh.

There's this fabulous article I think you could find helpful; it's for poetry, but can also apply to lyrics.

Besides this, the piece didn't prove as way impactful because it runs on tangents: you talk about the narrator's relationship, but as it is right now, it feels like the words exist for the sake of being words, not words being emotions. I can't entirely focus on the relationship because it doesn't feel solid to me. There are just so many aspects of it that you're trying to coop up into one, and it just lends the entire work an overall ... placid feel. I don't know what is most deserving of my attention: the fact that the narrator is guilty; the high points of the narrator + addressee's relationship ('honest words ... caring nature', 'purple lion' etc.); the feeling of loss that lingers; the addressee's battling 'demons'; or the narrator's regret.

My attention is splaying in a thousand directions. I'm a detached, grumpy reader with my specs slipping down my nose and my head shaking morosely. You need to fix this.

My suggestion: Establish what the reader/listener needs to know to connect with the addressee, then focus on conveying this. Avoid being vague in what you have to say, and cross out unneeded verses, like the 'I miss your honest and caring nature' which just sounds bland and insincere when put that way. Ask yourself: 'What do my readers need to know?' Right now, what I'm most interested in isn't hearing about the narrator' guilt or the fine points of their relationship, but in getting a clearer idea of the cause/effect that's governed the way things have turned out. Why did the narrator break off the relationship? They sounded quite happy to me; I'm confused as to where their story took 'the turn', and this is something that the song barely touches, and which I am dying to find out more about. Narrow this down, perhaps, to one scene, to one factor in their relationship, to something solid--whether it's told to us entirely in metaphor, or whether it's in blunt, honest format.

I'll be honest with another thing, which is that the repetitive strain of 'I miss you' does not sound as strong when we don't really know what reason the narrator has for this. Sure, you mention qualities, but what else? I'd like this better if the story had a point A, a point B, and grey patches in between where you pour the emotion through.

Vague bits (as aforementioned):

All that time we spent together
I thought we’d handle this much better

Your honest words and caring nature...

My purple lion, my coach, the one...

In answer to your question about formatting:

When you're in the YWS publisher, press "shift" along with "enter" when you're making a new line. That'll remove the double space and the need for the little "--" things. Hope this helped.

Greetings! My name is Uriah, and I'd like to give an unwarranted review on your poem, "500 Miles."

As far as your question of the formatting goes, I'm having the same problem myself, so I'm no help. I suck and I'm sorry.

As far as the review goes, the plot is interpretative. But before analyzing the plot, I have an observation regarding works of this nature (which often seem to contain the themes of; distance between two people and the consequential pining.) First, the significance of the number 5, like that one song by those two guys I don't know;

"And I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more."

Or that other song from the nineties, by that chick whose name I forget;

"Cause you know I would walk 500 miles, just to see you. *Epic memorable keyboard*"

Or, that one song from the musical Rent;

"five-hundred-twenty-five-thousand-six-hundred-minutes."

I dunno, the number 5 is just... odd.

Anyways, back to the plot.

At first I thought it was just, like, a country song about a messy break-up or something . Then I thought a little deeper, and considered that it may be about a husband being deployed to war. Then, with the ambiguous ending of "500 miles, but not forever," I considered that said-husband died overseas. Then I got sad, cause that would suck.

Despite what your actual purpose/inspiration in writing this was, and how close or far my interpretation was, it's still a good work, and I hope all is well. I could totally see this being a country song, and that's not a bad thing.

Cheers, from the squalid outskirts of Quaker Country!