Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,798 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Hey there! I saw this in the Green Room and thought "ooh, that's got to be good." And I wasn't disappointed! I really enjoyed this.
I can really hear the tune in my head - it's very easy to get the sense of rhythm and the type of song that it is. I'd love to hear you put this to music, though I don't know if you have any composing ability. (I sure don't!)
I really like your sort of half-rhyming thing (I don't know the technical term for it). The words sound similar, so even though they don't technically rhyme I didn't notice until about halfway through the poem.
On to the critique! (Although I really don't have much for you.)
The Ending
Personally, it didn't really do it for me. It just felt too sudden. We have the nice repeat of the chorus, and the last few lines are solid, but it left me wanting a bit more, mostly details about the "real deal love," or at least a bit more description on what it is. How does she know it's "real deal love?" I expected it to go into describing how she's moved on and what her new love is like, and that didn't happen at all. I'm not saying you need another entire verse on the new love, but maybe just a few more lines would be nice.
If you don't want to do that, something else you could do is lengthen the last line a bit. Because the way I read that, to the tune in my head, it was short and snappy and sounded like a buildup to another line. But if you were to change it to something like "But it's okay love/because now I've found/real deal love" or something similar, I think it would sound more like an ending.
Of course, maybe to the music that you would set this to, it does sound like an ending. It's hard to say when just critiquing the lyrics. If that's the case, feel free to ignore me!
Little things
Overall, I like the words in italics. The emphasis placed on them feels natural, and sounds good to me. Except for this line. It just doesn't fit. I think you could do without italics entirely for this line, since it is the last line of the chorus, so the pattern can be a bit different. Again, though, set to music it might sound entirely different.
I don't like this line very much. It doesn't make a lot of sense in the context of the poem - elsewhere, it seems like the guy knew exactly what he was doing, leading her on in what was basically an abusive relationship. She was the only one who didn't know what she was doing. Unless I'm misconstruing the meaning of the poem, claiming that neither of them knew what they were doing doesn't work. Unless it's supposed to show that the narrator is still subconsciously making excuses for him.
And that's all I've got for you! Thanks for the great read.
Hiii!
Sorry it's taken me so long to get back you you. Thank you for the review!! 
I have limited composing ability. I can hear all of the lyrics I write really well in my head. I know how to play piano, and when I try I can figure out the chords or punch out the melody but that's about all I can do
I'm glad you pointed out the half-rhyming thing. (I don't know what it's called either :p). I think I used to do traditional rhymes but it always felt artificial to me and this became a natural alternative.
I agree on the ending. When I was first thinking about what I wanted this song to be about I considered doing more of a comparison like back then there was this insane love but I grew up and learned and now I know what love is supposed to be like. That just didn't come out as I was writing, but it's definitely something I would consider changing! (And I'm forseeing many future lyrics about "real deal love"... I'm
slowlypenning one right now :p)I have mixed feelings about "we didn't know what we were doing". At the time, I know I didn't realize how toxic we were (not sure what he thought). And I exaggerated some things for the sake of the lyric, but I think we were both super naive back then :p I think it sounds weird in context, so I'm glad you pointed it out!
Thanks again!!
Well. Let me say it has been a while since I reviewed anything, and this is the first time giving an opinion on lyrics of a song… I guess. But, let’s see here. To get out of the way first, the rhyming is alright, I can see where, if sung correctly, it could rhyme at some parts. The second thing I want to get out of the way is pacing. From someone else, I remember them saying that if you rely on a reader’s definition of such things like “upbeat” or “softer” then… well, it’s odd.
I managed to find an alright rhythm while reading the lyrics. Yes, I read them, but only because I didn’t want to really lose track of the words themselves. The meaning behind all the words is, what I believe, to be an odd romance between the singer and the person they are singing about. Over-all, I got the basic idea of the song without getting too carried away in the flow of words.
As my personal opinion on it, I don’t normally go for songs like such, but this one was alright in my book. As rude as this may sound, that is the best you’ll get out of me. Love songs, not too big a fan of them. Yours, it’s alright.
Have a nice day and I hope my review is alright for ya.
Hi! Thanks for the review! (Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you!)
I think lyrics are hard to review because so much depends on what it sounds like so I try to give clues to how I hear it (like the tempo, sound, "softer", and italics) to help others but I recognize that approach isn't for everyone.
I purposefully do not use traditional rhymes because I think it sounds artificial. Half rhymes (like "live" and "him", where I rhyme the vowel sound instead of the ending sound) just come more naturally to me.
Thanks for reading even though romantic lyrics aren't your thing!