John’s eyes cracked open, coerced by the sliver of light that peeked slyly through the curtains into his room. Turning his head to the left on his pillow, he consulted the digital clock on his nightstand, squinting to focus. Eleven a.m., Saturday morning.
Groaning softly, he scratched his head with his left hand before releasing a groggy sigh. Last night’s dream was still fresh in his mind: the blood, pain, and Chaser all seemed far too real.
He didn’t know why he’d done that, blatantly insulting the King of Fears with his undisguised contempt. But he remember the feeling of being compelled to laugh at every fool who challenged his superiority.
He rolled his eyes at himself, blowing air out from his cheeks. “Look at me, all high and mighty. Heh,” he scoffed at himself.
A movement beneath the covers surprised him. Something was lying on his chest. He felt it stir.
John immediately threw the covers back. “Hyaah!” His scream echoed into the midday sky.
---------------------
Sophie stirred, stretching herself on the bed like a cat. “Good morning, master,” she purred.
“Don’t give me that!” John retorted, scrambling back. “What do you think you’re doing in my bed!”
The girl stared at him, batting her eyelashes. “I’m keeping you company, of course! You seemed so lonely, and I though that maybe we could…”
John felt a wave of heat wash over him as he stammered incoherencies. “G-get out. Now.”
Sophie leaned forward seductively. “Oh, come on, Johnny,” she said. “I won’t bite. Just one kiss?” Her eyes pleaded adorably, sending a shock coursing through his heart.
John’s mind caught fire as he stared at her beautiful form. Her face was inches from his, her soft, pink lips drawing him in. She was clad merely in a light blue nightgown, and he could almost see...beneath it....
“No!” Face as red as lava, John mustered his willpower in desperation, pushing Sophie back with sudden force. Breathing heavily, his flustered heartbeat on a murder spree, he recollected himself slowly. “What the...hell?”
Sophie, lying on her back at the foot of the bed, started laughing. She giggled precariously, as if that initial, bubbly version of herself still existed, or ever existed at all. “Oh, John, you really are a different person during the day,” she chuckled easily, sitting up. “Is that really how a boy handles the ‘male fantasy?’” She broke off into a mischievous fit of giggling, shaking with mirth at John’s expense.
Embarrassment fading, John struggled to respond. “You...you…!”
“Oh, don’t feel bad, John!” Sophie reached forward, patting his hair soothingly. “After all, you actually enjoyed that, didn’t you?”
John reddened further, looking away bashfully. “Next time you try that, I might just surprise you,” he grumbled.
Sophie suddenly leaned into him, pressing her body against his. “And what would you surprise me with, Johnny?”
John’s mind was consumed in a mortified inferno. “Wha...I…!”
Sophie broke away once again, bursting into laughter. “You’re so much fun to tease, John!” She threw her arms around him earnestly, grinning.
The heat of embarrassment slowly seeped away, and John eventually pried Sophie off. “That’s enough, now. Please.” He tried to calm himself, but the fresh memory set his cheeks aflame: the lights dancing in her eyes, the warmth of her body on his, the softness of her skin.
Quickly shaking off the second wave of fluster, he got up from the bed, throwing the curtains wide. The light blasted in his eyes, blinding him for a moment. When his vision returned, he cast his eyes down to the streets below, which bustled with the numerous lives and troubles of humans. Same old, same old. The city seemed unperturbed by the recent phenomena in the astral plane.
“Hm.” John turned back to Sophie. “So, any plans for your last day on Earth?”
“But I had a plan! For you and me to get-”
“Stop it already.”
“Oh, fine.” Sophie put on a look of mock dejection. Eyes lighting up, she snapped her fingers. “How about we go see how Matthew’s doing?”
“Yeah.” John rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “He’s back in the game now, isn’t he? I oughta thank him. And pay my respects for Alfie while I’m there.”
Sophie cast her eyes to the floor. “Right...Alfie.”
They waited there for a moment, taking in the reality of the dreams, and the brutal consequences that had befallen Alfie. At least, John was.
A sudden chill raced up his spine. “What happened to Silas?” he asked worriedly.
“He’s sleeping in your closet,” Sophie replied.
“I don’t have a closet.”
“You do now.”
They stared at each other blankly for all of three seconds.
The realization dawning, John dashed out of his room. Sure enough, there was an empty, gaping hole in the wall right outside his door, wide enough so that someone of Silas’s build could squeeze in with some difficulty. He couldn’t imagine anyone sleeping comfortably in it, though.
John gave out an exasperated sigh, turning to Sophie. “I’m not even going to ask why you’re here. But how’d you guys get in?”
Sophie half-concealed a wily grin. “Your window. You look so cute when you’re sleeping,” she giggled as John colored again.
“Shut up already.” John turned back to regard the gap flusteredly. Even though he knew it was all a cruel trick, he couldn’t help his own imagination. “Anyway, your dad’s gone. Should we be worried?”
“Maybe. He would have woken us up if he were heading out.” Sophie put on a thoughtful look. “Phobos said Dad had been ‘removed.’ For all we know, he could be dead.”
John blinked at her. “And...you’re okay with that?”
“Whether we like it or not, we can’t focus on attachment over numbers.” In a flash, the cold, calculating Sophie was talking once more. “Should we fail in this situation, the entire world will feel the consequences. Like it or not, this is bigger than just the Dream-Hunters.”
John leaned against the wall, blowing air out of his cheeks while staring at the ceiling. “Well, what about that other girl, Tessa?”
“It’s best if we don’t involve her. She won’t be able to defend herself when it comes down to it.”
John eased himself with a weak grin. “Yeah. Guess you’re right. So, our next course of action is to meet up with Matthew.”
“Exactly. We should go now.” Sophie walked towards the door in her translucent blue dressing gown.
“Put something on first!”
Sophie winked slyly, going to change. After she was gone, John slumped against the wall breathlessly, trying dash the burning sensation from his cheeks. “I...hate...people.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey there, yizhongt here to give a review. I have not managed read the other chapters of your work, so please forgive me.
Anyways, on the business now. I enjoyed the story eventhough I did not read the previous chapters. The flow to it was good and I thought it was pretty funny and cute. I like the way your portray the characters, that's actually what kept me scrolling down; the way they interacted was funny and cute, to me.
I did not find any grammar or spelling mistakes while reading through your work. Honestly, I have nothing negative to say about this piece of work. I really enjoyed reading it, and for some reason imagined the whole scene in anime form, but I digress.
Anyways, good job on this piece of work. Keep on writing. Cheers !!
Hello! Happy Review Day!
I'll admit I haven't read previous chapters of this, so I'll be looking at this chapter as a part of a greater whole
Nitpicks and general thoughts as I read through it:
The bold - a bit too much to describe some light for my taste.
I think you meant "remembered"
Try to get rid of that repetition of "himself".
How would it take that long to discover something lying on your chest? I feel like if I woke up with something on me, I would feel that immediately even if it wasn't moving.
Maybe I'm missing something character wise because this is the first chapter I've read, but is Sophie a human? If so, how would John not notice a human sleeping on him as soon as he woke up? Even if said human isn't moving.
Love this.
I'm not sure if "precariously" is the best word choice there. To me it implies that that you're barely hanging on to something.
A second ago she was giggling "precariously". Now she's giggling again only different? This is quite a bit of giggling.
Love this. Even thought I don't know these characters at all, I'm getting a really good sense of their dynamics and personalities.
A little awkwardly phrased in my opinion.
I liked it until "At least, John was." I don't know, feels a little clumsy to me.
"Sophie looked thoughtful", or better yet, a brief description of how her face looks thoughtful.
So this is interesting! Like I mentioned earlier, I really like how you write your characters. Their personalities really shine through and you do a really nice job of putting them in situations where their personalities can come through. I don't really understand why Sophie is flirtatious one second and super serious the next, but I'm sure that's something I'm missing because I haven't read the rest of this piece.
One thing I'm struggling with a little in this chapter is the plot. I'm not talking the macro plot because I obviously don't have a strong sense of this world and the grander scheme of what's going on. I'm talking about the micro plot of this chapter. It's a little bland in my opinion. John wakes up, there's some banter with Sophie, they talk about some people, they decide they need to see Matthew.
What is John's goal in this scene? What about Sophie?
What is standing in the way of John getting that goal in this scene? What about Sophie?
What will happen if that goal isn't achieved? What about Sophie?
And this doesn't have to be anything major -
Goal: Get to school on time
Obstacle: Alarm didn't go off
Stakes: Could get a detention
(Yours would be considerably different than that) but it helps keep things interesting in each scene. Also, ask yourself how the overall plot or a subplot is moving forward as a result of this scene. If it's not, change something.
Overall, I think you have great style and a great voice to your writing. It reads really well! (Don't be discouraged by my nitpicks, I seriously think you write really well!!)
Let me know if anything I said was confusing or if you have any questions!
Hello! Happy Review Day!
I'll admit I haven't read previous chapters of this, so I'll be looking at this chapter as a part of a greater whole
Nitpicks and general thoughts as I read through it:
The bold - a bit too much to describe some light for my taste.
I think you meant "remembered"
Try to get rid of that repetition of "himself".
How would it take that long to discover something lying on your chest? I feel like if I woke up with something on me, I would feel that immediately even if it wasn't moving.
Maybe I'm missing something character wise because this is the first chapter I've read, but is Sophie a human? If so, how would John not notice a human sleeping on him as soon as he woke up? Even if said human isn't moving.
Love this.
I'm not sure if "precariously" is the best word choice there. To me it implies that that you're barely hanging on to something.
A second ago she was giggling "precariously". Now she's giggling again only different? This is quite a bit of giggling.
Love this. Even thought I don't know these characters at all, I'm getting a really good sense of their dynamics and personalities.
A little awkwardly phrased in my opinion.
I liked it until "At least, John was." I don't know, feels a little clumsy to me.
"Sophie looked thoughtful", or better yet, a brief description of how her face looks thoughtful.
So this is interesting! Like I mentioned earlier, I really like how you write your characters. Their personalities really shine through and you do a really nice job of putting them in situations where their personalities can come through. I don't really understand why Sophie is flirtatious one second and super serious the next, but I'm sure that's something I'm missing because I haven't read the rest of this piece.
One thing I'm struggling with a little in this chapter is the plot. I'm not talking the macro plot because I obviously don't have a strong sense of this world and the grander scheme of what's going on. I'm talking about the micro plot of this chapter. It's a little bland in my opinion. John wakes up, there's some banter with Sophie, they talk about some people, they decide they need to see Matthew.
What is John's goal in this scene? What about Sophie?
What is standing in the way of John getting that goal in this scene? What about Sophie?
What will happen if that goal isn't achieved? What about Sophie?
And this doesn't have to be anything major -
Goal: Get to school on time
Obstacle: Alarm didn't go off
Stakes: Could get a detention
(Yours would be considerably different than that) but it helps keep things interesting in each scene. Also, ask yourself how the overall plot or a subplot is moving forward as a result of this scene. If it's not, change something.
Overall, I think you have great style and a great voice to your writing. It reads really well! (Don't be discouraged by my nitpicks, I seriously think you write really well!!)
Let me know if anything I said was confusing or if you have any questions!