Call me Alice: Part One

King Here


Hello,there.
Of course, I am not the first person who is going to review this.
Surely, I will not say anything different from the other people who had already reviewed and read this lovely work of yours. But I still want to tell my opinion about it, hopefully to help you correct it if needed. I really love your work, even if it is with not that special theme, romance. I think most of us, maybe all of us, can relate to this work. Every has or once had someone in their heart that they love or adored/admired. You use your vocabulary well and I do not think I will mention so many mistakes in your grammar, because you had written it nicely.
I will check the following parts if I can, because this work caught my eye, which is a rare thing. I will try to help and read at the same time. So let's start, shall we?

Editing Zone
{an edit,together with a read}

Everyone has a crush, right? Maybe not a big crush or anything extreme, but if you’re not in a relationship, aren’t you always subconsciously looking for your next (or first) boyfriend or girlfriend?

Even if you don’t think you have a crush, deep down, you do. They may not be someone you try to talk to all of the time and go out of your way to impress, but someone that you wish would notice you. Someone you wish that person/they would see in you what you see in them, find you interesting, want to talk to you, get to know you, and want to ask you out. If any of those things happened, you wouldn’t fight it, you’d embrace it and be absolutely elated. But in the back of your mind, you know it will probably never happen so you don’t get your hopes up.

I have one of those.

His name is Micah Smalling, unfortunately for me, he is not only out of my league, but completely off limits. He dated my best friend, Camilla Granado, for almost six months. They broke up three months ago.

----

She says she’d moved on. She hasn’t begun dating anyone else yet but she has a new crush every week. Micah has been forgotten about.

----

I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t, but I like him. I really, really like him.


-------skipping some perfectly written parts-------


I did my best not to stare and to act natural when we were put in groups together, and we had simple conversations in class about art history.

Everyone loves her. People like me. I’m not a social outcast or anything, but I’m often overshadowed by Camilla. Why go for quiet Ashton that throws her hair back in a ponytail and wears graphic t-shirts and skinny jeans to school when you could have her friend, Camilla?

-----

This, obviously, didn’t happen.

-----


But deep down, I know nothing will happen between Micah and me. I don’t have the guts to tell him how I feel. I can’t even talk to him in class or in the hallway. We’ll probably never talk again. Why would he want to talk to me or get to know me again, and have the constant reminder of Camilla in the background? Plus, I think if I talked to him, Camilla would consider it base-line treachery. You can’t date your best friend’s ex.

Once a month, either I go to Camilla’s house, or she comes to mine for a sleepover. No matter how crazy the month has been, how little or much we’ve talked or hung out, we always have our sleepovers.


“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Who do you like?” This usually works. Camilla likes someone new every week and loves to go on, and on about how awesome they are and how she’s sure this time it will stick and be different.


-----


I barely know Bennett and I’m not entirely sure how Camilla knows him or if they’ve even talked. “He’s the one that solos in jazz choir a lot, right?”

“He’s the hot one that solos in jazz choir.” Camilla corrected. “But we’re not talking about him, we’re talking about you. Who do you like? ‘I don’t know if this is an acceptable response. You do know.”


“You have your whole life to find something special. You’re a senior in high school. This is a time to be spontaneous. This is a time to have fun! You don’t have to find your soul-mate, you just have to find someone you like and that likes you back. It’s not that hard.”

I grabbed a cookie and let her words sink in. She’s right. I do need to have some fun. But I also don’t want to settle for someone that I don’t really like when there’s still Micah.
----

“This is hypothetical,” I reminded her. “If I happen like someone in the future, I want to be prepared.”

“But how am I supposed to get a guy to want to talk to me? I don’t want to be annoying or something, and come off as a freak show.”


Overall, good job, and this work is amazing. I am really curious and I will continue reading this!

Okay, obviously I am far from the first person to reply to this story, but you gave me some helpful feedback on something I am working on. I felt obliged to return the favor. And please feel free to tell me if anything I say is similar to what you have already read. I haven't read any of them.

I am getting a pretty typical teen vibe here. Reasonably attractive, yet awkward teen girl swooning over a darkly handsome guy with puppy dog features who happens to be unavailable because he is the ex of equally attractive, yet shallow BFF. The whole time I read this, "Mr. Brightside" by the Killers and "You Belong with Me" by Taylor Swift kept playing over and over in my head. She loves Micah, she has seemingly always loved him and she is kicking herself in the ass because she wasn't the one to romantically approach him when she could have. (Then this would be from Camilla's PoV instead:P)

She complains that Camilla is the one with the best hair and big breasts (which, coming from a guy, at least I don't feel that is really a defining factor in a girl/woman, plus big breasts can be physically uncomfortable--my older sister is one of them) that everyone loves. She wants him, she loves him, she wants him to notice her the way she does him (which by the way, I think you kind of overstated) That being said, I would like to offer some criticism that I hope you find helpful.

This story has potential, I look forward to seeing how you spice this up to make it unique, however there are some flaws. You basically spent the whole chapter saying things that pointed to only one thing--Ashton is jealous of Camilla because of her history with Micah and she is feeling sorry for herself because she can't pursue him without breaking girl code. In one of my chapters you told me that a lot happened in it. Not enough happened in this chapter. Maybe you could elaborate on Camilla pressing Ashton for an answer as to who she likes. Make her more suspicious even to try an bring readers to the edge of their seats as to how this story will go down and how dirty (or clean) it will get. Also, I hope to see some character development where they are both concerned. With Ashton you could make her not so dependent on her feelings for this Micah. With Camilla you could bring something to the table other than her superficial outlook on teenage romance and having a new crush every week. Maybe these are just the feminist in ME talking, but I hope it helps.

Anyway, thank you for the entertainment. I will definitely read more.

Hi there, Megrim here for the Big Review! I had a hard time finding something recent-ish and not deleted But here I am. I read this and enjoyed this, but now it's time for me to tear it up.

Firstly, I think your technique is great. Nothing about the prose stood out to me, made me stumble, or threw me out of the story. It was smooth, fast, easy to read--perfect. I didn't see anything worth nitpicking on a sentence level. To be quite honest, I'm not sure I have much to say in the way of improving this because it's already a great read. What I do have to say is just... thoughts. A different perspective. I noticed the other reviews are all glowingly positive, and rightly so, but I'll play devil's advocate. There are some fundamentals that are worth thinking about and be aware of even if you decide not to change anything.

While reading, I thought of one small thing and two big things.

The Small Thing
The opening is cute, but I have mixed feelings. It can be jarring to a reader to be addressed in second person, because it breaks the fourth wall. Also rhetorical questions can be very aggravating in fiction and should be used with caution! At the end of the day, like I said, it was easy reading and enjoyable. However the opener did come across as gimmicky and, I guess the best word for it is unprofessional. I'm not sure whether it's the second person or the generalisation that rubbed me the wrong way--I'm leaning toward it being the second person. I wish I could articulate this better.

My writing style is very consistent about getting the setting and POV established in the first paragraph, and that may be why I didn't like these first few paragraphs as much. This relates to the next point, so I'll move on and talk about that.

Big Thing One
Most of this chapter is telling.

I don't want to say that it's wrong or bad, because it isn't. It's a different approach and it's personal preference. Novels written in a "storyteller" sort of voice can be fun and wonderful. But it's a big trade-off so it's worth being aware of, and maybe trying both styles to compare. I just finished Great Expectations, and that's very much a "storyteller" style, but he also has an absolute mastery of language that makes his prose stunning to read, so that's why it works so so well for that book.

The issue I had with telling instead of showing in this chapter was that it didn't convince me. I was told about Micah, but *I* didn't get the chance to fall in love with him alongside the character. I was told about her history, but didn't get to see and feel that jealousy and emotional turmoil. I could sympathise, but not empathise. Essentially, I was able to understand everything on an intellectual level rather than an emotional one, because it was a bit like having a conversation about it as opposed to seeing it firsthand. For instance it's the difference between someone telling you their cousin got in a car crash, and seeing a car crash happen right in front of you on the road. There's an emotional... button... or something... that gets triggered. And I find that emotional investment is what really glues me to books.

If I were writing this, I would approach it differently. I would either start the story back in time and show specific scenes with Micah and/or Camilla, or I would forget about explaining the backstory and use lots of implication and subtlety to let the reader understand the dynamics of their relationship. If they sat around a lunch table with an awkward chemistry, it could become quite apparent quite quickly what's going on, without ever having to outright state these details to the reader. To me, that sort of thing is what brings stories alive and makes them real.

Big Thing Two
The character is a blank page for the reader to fill.

As I read this, I felt the MC could have been anybody. Anybody could pick up this book, and as they read, *they* are the MC. It's not uncommon, and I believe the early Harry Potter books are like this. Like the telling instead of showing, it's not bad or wrong. I'm not sure it's what I would want out of a book, though.

The whole time I was reading, I kept wondering, what makes this story special? Why is it worth telling? There are hundreds, thousands of people who could say this chapter is a page out of their lives. What's unique about this character, this town, this time, that makes it worthy of your novel?

People are complicated. They're defined by a lot more than their love, no matter how much it consumes their thoughts. My one suggestion for improving the chapter is this: give us a little more about Ashton. Interests, skills, passions, certainly. But more importantly, what kind of person is she? How does her brain work, how does she interact with others, what kind of judgments does she make? How has her life experiences up to this point shaped her perspective on everything that's going on? One of the great things about first person is how deep you can get into the character's head. So go deep. Everyone's perspective is unique. A rich banker will view the world differently to a balloon vendor at the zoo, whether it's noticing different things, assuming different things, or placing varying importance on different things. So what I want to know is what makes Ashton's perspective different, and how, and why.

As is, she is only a vessel for the reader. She's not a person in and of herself (based solely on what's presented in this chapter, of course). My impression was that her purpose is to witness The Plot. One of my big rules about writing is Characters first, roles second. This applies double and triple for Camilla and Micah. I'm not accusing you of doing this, but just to reiterate that you should keep it in mind while writing, Micah has to be more than The Love Interest. If he isn't, there's no reason for us to fall in love with him, and then the whole thing falls flat. For me, all these characters need to jump off the page. I have to fall in love with them myself before I can understand and get on board with their love (or friction) for each other.

Side Note
I would like some better justification for keeping her crush a secret. If they are such best friends, I'm not sure why she's so worried. The whole time, I was thinking, just tell her! It will save so much pain and grief down the road! Make sure that the reasoning is clear to the reader, so it doesn't seem like she has to keep it a secret just because the plot dictates she must or else there isn't a story. Again, characters first roles second. They need sound reasoning and motives beyond "it needs to be that way for the plot to work"

Closing comments
I know I'm very mean to tear apart stories and tell everyone they should rewrite their whole scene/chapter/book. But honestly I did like it! At least, even if you change nothing, I hope I've given you some things to think about.

Thanks for sharing and happy writing!

Real. That is the one word I would use to describe this. It's refreshingly honest,truthful and Normal. Something everyone can relate to because after all

'Everyone has a crush right? '

I like this I like your opening, it's so true! Everyone can relate, no one can deny. Well done there.

You have a lot of explanation in the first couple paragraphs. I would suggest working on that. Drop in details more subtly. Make the reader want to find out more!
I like the characters you've built here. Everyone has a friend like Camilla. She's prettier, more popular, and all the guys like her. She's interesting. I like Ashton too. She's got her own flavor. I like how you've written about her pining away for Micah. It seems real, very teenage romance, as we all know
You have a couple grammatical errors-

“Okay Ashton,” Should be "Okay, Ashton,"

“But we’re not talking about him we’re talking about you." Should be "But, we're not talking about him, we're talking about you."

i like the way this story is aimed at everyone, like 'you always subconsciously looking for your next (or first)' or like 'Even if you don’t think you have a crush, deep down you do.' so any person could just pick up this book and possibly enjoy it and even if the arent like me, and didnt like it, they will understand what the book is about.

I don't really go by that rule. 'you can't date your friend's ex' but you can't control your feelings but back to your story. They say you can't have ur ex's sloppy seconds but what if they werent so sloppy? Thats what I was thinking while I read this. I really admire your plot and I can't wait to see where this leads. I'm planning on following this story so update me please . Keep writing and good luck

Firstly I love they way you opend with a question, really nice way to grab the reader.

Everyone has a crush right?

crush, right?

Why go for quiet Ashton that throws her hair back in a ponytail and wears graphic t-shirts and skinny jeans to school

OOOH! I like this!!
You could seriously make something out of this!
I can see it now: "Call me Alice: A lovely coming of age story. -- NewYork Times" "Like comfort food; a good read for everyone! -- USA Today" " (insert_author_name_here) has really outdone themselves! --Booklist

See what I did there? XD I just wrote you reviews lol

I love Ashton's character. I find her cute and relatable! Many will find her that way,too. I feel that throughout the novel (PLEASE WRITE ONE!) the reader would root for her!

What's trhe title about? Or is that a spoiler?

So many girls could relate to this situation. I know I could!
I was hooked from the first words!
I'm getting rambly, aren't I?
Well, I really enjoyed reading this!
Love,
Ang

Hey sweetie, oh my word this is like super awesome! =] I love it cause I can really relate to it. When I was in 7th grade i told my best friend (at the time) Rachel that I had a crush on this guy named Josh and the very next day she goes and asks him out! I mean seriously!
I loved the way you go in depth on her emotions and thoughts. I think that if you turned this into a novel it would be totally amazing. I would definatly read the whole thing!
Is this something you've experienced personally and are these people real or is this all fiction? Either way it is really well written out and you have used excellent descriptions. I found myself completly engrossed with the story which is something that doesn't usually happen with me on YWS unless I know the writer personally. So for that well done. It was a stunning peice of work!
Keep on writing!
*Blondie Missy Angel