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138,059 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello, here to review the following part 3 of your wonderful story.
I love the previous two parts, so I felt the need to check this one too.
I hope you continue to write this story.
I really think you can improve the way you use different fonts to show us that they are chatting, not talking face to face. Maybe, you do not need to change the way it is, with all this smiles, it is seen that it is text chatting, not real talk. At least for me, it is okay the way it is. Maybe, just a bit longer converstation could be more interesting. I can not get used to the sudden change we jump in when we start the chatting there, but maybe I just need some time.
I think I will not find many mistakes, but still let's go through this work and see.
Editing Zone
A part of me is glad that she happens to be in a period of male obsession right now. She’s so busy devoting all of her energy and attention to Bennett, that she can’t suspect anything is different or out of the ordinary with me.
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My mom poked her head around the corner from the kitchen. “Hey Ash, just wanted to check in,” She smiled. “I think I’m going to go lie down or read, or something. I’m exhausted.”
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My mom cooks a real meal out of a magazine or cook book about once a week. Other than that, we usually eat pizza, take out, leftovers, or something simple like burgers on the grill, or chicken on the stove.
We have a dining room table, but it’s usually covered with stuff, so we eat wherever we can find room, very rarely as a family. My dad is always working or running errands so he’s not always home around dinner time, and eats when he gets in.
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“Ashton! Make us something, too!” Dennis cried.
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“In all of this time you’ve been talking to me, you could have gotten something to eat.” I went back to the living room and sat down. Dennis and Murphy stood in front of the TV with their arms folded across their chest.
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I sighed and went back to the kitchen, and made them both a hotdog. When I got back to the living room, Dennis and Murphy were taking up the entire couch and they changed the channel to some dumb cartoon.
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Micah: Hey, Alice! How are you?”
I stared at the screen of my phone. Micah. Micah texted me first! Who needs Camilla? My day suddenly just got a little more exciting.
Ashton: Hey, Micah! I’m not too bad, a little bored. You?
Micah: Yeah, I’m a little bored, too.
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Ashton: She’s a lot more outgoing than I am and completely boy-crazy. But she’s really sweet and fun, and we can talk about anything. Tell me about Zach.
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Ashton: Aw, you always need a friend like that. Celeste and I talk about everything. Clothes, school, people we like, people we don’t like. Boys. We’re very typical
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Ashton: Aw, that’s sweet! I’d probably say Celeste. How old is Kayla?
Micah: 14. Actually, she may be my best friend. Well, I may be hers at least. She tells me everything.
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Amazing!
I really love it.
I am glad you did not stop after the second part. Worth the read.
I really enjoyed it. I like how to things are progressing and they both start to get along.
Also, the personalities of her twin brothers. They are just so funny.
I agree with the others on how the chapter lacked a little bit. I think adding another paragraph would've helped a lot. I also think that the text conversation was a little bland, maybe add a little more important information?
Other than that, it was pretty good and I enjoyed it! The way you portrayed Dennis and Murphy was brilliant, spot on. The start of the chapter was great too, I liked how you always tell us a little bit about Camilla's personality and habits when it comes to boys.
I'd love to read more, keep me updated!
I enjoyed this chapter alot but I feel as if there is pleanty of room to dive deeper into the conversation and Ashton's feelings and thoughts as this conversation is going on. At the very end of the chapter I really think it needs another paragraph or two explaining what she goes on to do next and her thoughts after they say goodbye. This will enable us to have more insight on who she is personally. Also if you wanted to add maybe a conversation with Camilla, that might help make the chapter go further. I love Aston's brothers and I think you described perfectly how younger siblings act
(No offence to any other younger siblings reading this) This chapter was a little choppy but I kinda liked the mood that set, I imagined the pace of reading to be like how she was feeling. All she paid attention to was the conversation and stil was feeling a little bit akward about the whole situation but like Micah was loving the way it was panning out.
Can't wait for the next chapter!!
~Blondie Missy Angel~
This story is going great but there's only one negative thing that I don't like about this chapter thought. With a great beginning comes a great end, right and there really isn't one. No offense. I just think that you could have extended this chapter a little more instead of ending it with a text message. i say this because the ending was a little ehh as it ehh not good enough. Other than that, I'm very amused by this story and I can't wait to read more. Keep writing and keep me updated.