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Canary word: Present
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138,059 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello there!
I wanted to check the second part, after all, I was really curious what is going to happen with that girl, that is in love with Prince Charming. So, I will read this amazing work and say my honest opinion about it. As I already know how you write, I will not find many mistakes, surely. I love the main character, the girl, that tried to do everything possible to try and talk to me. Just like a small poor girl that wants to talk with a prince. Romance that everyone will love, and maybe, relate. It is pretty realistic, after all.
Editing Zone
blue when I correct something
----when I skip perfectly written parts after reading them----
My phone beeped while being on the floor.
Ashton: Awesome! Let’s talk about it after school!
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I want to know how it happened and who instigated it. There’s a chance she’s going way overboard with this and “they talked” means they exchanged two sentences and went on their way and there wasn’t any kind of enlightening, “awesome” conversation. I’ll be happy for her, though no matter how exciting their contact was.
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There are so many positives. I can talk to him without the fear of making a fool out of myself because he won’t know it’s me. He may actually want to talk to me because I’m just some alluring girl that he doesn’t know, not Ashton, the best friend of his ex. No one, not even Camilla, will know that I’m talking to him.
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Thursday November 10, 3:23 PM: Text Message from Ashton Everwright to Micah Smalling.
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Micah: So what’s up? Why’d you decide to randomly text me and keep your identity a secret?
Ashton: I’m sorry; I don’t mean to be creepy. I’m just not the best at talking to people and I think you’re an interesting person. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of days and thought it could be fun to get to know you this way. I just got home from school and I don’t have any homework tonight so I figured tonight can be the night to start.
Micah: Hmm, well that’s very intriguing, Alice. And now you’ve made me think of about hundred questions.
Ashton: Better start asking them then
Micah: Do we go to the same school?
Ashton: Yes but I’m not going to answer any more questions that might tip you off as to who I am.
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Micah: It’s a little odd but kind of intriguing which leads me to my next question. What about me is so interesting?
Ashton: It’s hard to explain. I don’t even know myself.
Micah: So, why go to all of this trouble to talk to me?
Ashton: Because you’re interesting to me and I want to get to know you better but I don’t know how.
Micah: Why not just talk to me at school?
Ashton: It’s complicated.
Micah: Okay…
Ashton: Can we not focus on the oddity of it and just get to know each other?
Micah: This is probably the weirdest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s kind of exciting, so sure. I’ll get to know you, Alice. Can we talk later though? I have a test to study for.
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Eating in the lunch room isn’t cool when you’re a senior. Camilla and I eat out twice a week and the rest of the time we suffer through the immature under-classmen, and disgusting food of the lunch room to save money and time. The two of us sit on the side of the cafeteria close to the large picture windows that overlook a small courtyard.
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Camilla smiled. “I know it’s kind of soon and weird but he’s really nice! I saw him this morning and we talked a little bit again, and I invited him to sit with us at lunch because I want you to meet him!”
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[ Bennett has classic male good looks. Tan skin even though it’s winter, a mop of brown hair, deep brown eyes, and a strong bone structure. He looks very polished. He’s wearing a dark grey, collared shirt with a dark jacket and skinny jeans. I noticed the thick, braided bracelet around his left wrist and the thin silver chain around his neck. ]
A very good description, this is what I want to mention. XD
I’m sure he’s nice but I feel like he’s slightly overwhelmed. He hasn’t been talking to Camilla for very long and her personality can be a little much at times, if you’re not used to it. That combined with meeting her best friend right off the bat would be a little intimidating.
Hopefully Camilla doesn’t overpower him because I’m sure he’s a great guy, and will be a lot of fun once I get to know him and he loosens up a little.
Micah walked through the courtyard again with his friends. I watched him walk away and let out a small breath. Tomorrow, I’m going to text him again. I’m going to propose the question game, the quickest and easiest way to get to know someone. I can do this.
Overall, good job! I think you are going on with this story very well, and it makes the reader read more and more. Keep on writing!
Hey okay so Love love love!
I'm really into the whole identity mystery thing but i think it's sorta like that Cinderella Story movie with Hillary Duff except instead of computer chat their using phones. Same concept though. I love the way you wrote this and I don't think I would change anything about it. You are truly a talented writer and obviously commited. Remember to write what you feel. Really dive deep into the people in the story to gain a full picture of each one. When I write I like to keep a notebook beside the computer filled with ideas and character sketches in detail so that if I have a question like "what will Astor do next?" (Astor is a character in my book The Cherry Code) all I have to do is go look throught the notebook and a solution always pops up. I would love to know more about Micha's friends, you breifly mentioned he was walking in a group of guys. He seems like a really intreaguing character =]
Keep writing, you are one of the writers that I will try to read all of their works!
You're totally awesome!
~Blondie Missy Angel~
No criticism at all, except for you made it to interesting (seriously, nothing wrong at all) and now I'm hooked D: Could you please tell me when the next chapter is out?
You can't have a friend's sloppy seconds but what if they weren't so sloppy? That's what I was thinking when I read this. This story is very interesting and I already like the main character. I can't wait to see how the rest of this goes and I believe that you got a good story going on here. What could make your readers be less reluctant to liking your main character is if you could not make her sound so nervous because she might actually come off as crazy. That's the only thing I will advise so keep writing and keep me updated
I really liked it!
Although, I think you used the word 'he' way too much when talking about Micah.
I quite liked the idea of her disguising herself and texting him however, I thought the dialogue between them was forced and unrealistic. I'm not sure...some of it seemed pretty good, for example; the beginning.
That part seemed a little off.
I like it and I am definitely going to read the next part if you post it up! :]
I am going to just jump right in and get straight to the point
Yay!
I'm glad to see your wrote this chapter up so fast.
The way you just jumped into a text like conversation wasn't the best of ideas, I don't think it works very well. I think maybe you should of stuck with paragraph's.
This quote really has no meaning, I just love that line so much, Haha!
These two lines don't really fit in, I thought you could of done without them. Or maybe expanded them a lot more, other than those two plain sentences.
All in all an other nicely done part. A little more expansion needed though.
I liked they way you ended with this part and look forward to the next one.
This is pretty cool i like these sorta romantic books. well done!