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138,059 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
I love the previous three parts of this story, so here to review this one. Unfortuantely, I saw that this is the last part that you had posted. I hope you soon release and show us next parts. I am really willing to read more. I will read this and be honest with my opinion, but in the end, I will be sad that this is the last one I can read!!
Editing Zone
About this part, I only have a suggestion. The school cannot 'get out', so you have to say 'they got out'. I think this is the better option.
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“He doesn’t want to ask his question in a hallway, you see. Do you know who it is now? If he’s not here, where do you think he would go? What about the site of that night, don’t you remember?"
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Sure enough, Bennett was sitting under a tree close to the field. We walked over to him. He took her hand and asked the magic question: “Will you go out with me?"
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It’s a Friday night and I’m stuck at home, by myself, once again. I have friends other than Camilla, but they’re more like school friends. We talk at school and hang out at school events but rarely do anything outside of that.
I’m sure my family is at home, too. My parents only seem to leave when they have to go to work or the store and my brothers have to rely on my parents to get anywhere and seem to prefer staying here, and causing mayhem together.
I know some families have “family night” and the kids aren’t allowed to go out or have friends over, everyone gathers in the living room and watches a movie or plays board games and talks about life. I don’t have one of these families.
I’m in my room, with the door shut, my headphones in. My parents are probably watching the news or some other boring program on TV and talking about what they just saw when it gets to a commercial break. I don’t want to know what Dennis and Murphy are doing. I think they have some kind of radar in them that will signal when I leave my room so they can attack.
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It should be simple. All I have to do is say “Hey, how are you?” or “Hey, how was your day?” or “Hey!/.” and then some other awesome, conversation-starting question.
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“Hey Ashton!” Camilla stood across the table from me. One hand was holding a plate of food; the other was wrapped in Bennett’s hand. “Sorry, we’re so late! I hope you didn’t think we ditched you!” She grinned and sat down across from me. Bennett sat down next to her.
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“I wanted to go get Bennett. I thought I would be back in time but he got out of choir later than expected, and when I got back to the foyer you weren’t there, and I was like ‘crap!’ I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I took another bite of food.
“You’re not mad, are you?”
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Camilla grinned. “Okay good cause I didn’t think you’d be mad, but I wanted to make sure. Cause, I mean, it’s not that big of a deal that I didn’t wait for you one time right? Right. It won’t happen again.”
It's not that she didn’t wait for me. That’s not what I’m upset about. Well, that contributes to it, but it’s more of the fact that she’s not communicating with me. I just want my friend.
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“I’ll go, I guess.”
I know I should probably tell Camilla how I feel but I don’t want to be the bad guy. They just started dating. I don’t want to be the needy, pathetic friend that says “Stop hanging out with your boyfriend because I’m lonely and lame”.
I don’t get what his problem is and why he never speaks to me. Do I have some kind of sign on my forehead that says “If you’re male, stay away”?
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Ashton: Hey Micah. You free? I’m super bored and want someone to talk to.
Micah: Hey, Alice! Sure! What’s up?
Oh, thank God.
Ashton: I’m at home. Bored. Kind of annoyed. You?
Micah: I’m alright, I guess. Why are you annoyed?
Ashton: It’s been a long couple of days.
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Ashton: Same. Well, I was excited to see someone and talk to her but she’s really getting on my nerves.
Micah: Oh?
Ashton: My friend, Celeste.
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Ashton: Yeah. But you’re allowed to get annoyed with your best friend.
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Ashton: She just starting dating this guy and now she has no time for me. It’s getting old fast.
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Oh, my God.
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I like the end of this part. I hope you write more because I really want to read more. Good job.
Hey! Thanks for reviewing these four parts!
I do have more of the novel and I'm not sure why I never posted any more of it here. I stopped working on it because I became more invested in other novel projects but I have considered revamping and revisiting it at some point (maybe for NaNoWriMo this year...)
But thanks again for taking the time to review!
You are welcome.
No. No. No. That's it?!? It can't be! And, uh, woah... Why is there only one review?
Please say no.
I just read this and all the other parts (and liked each one hehe) and ahh! I want more! Terribly! You wrote this in 2011, so it's been a while, but is there any more you were going to write? Or is it over?
Spoiler
I started to write a review for this, but I can't. This is too perfect and I don't have anything to critique on. Your Big Review will come shortly on a different work!
I'm so glad you liked it!! I haven't thought about this novel in so long (not until people started reading it for the big review)
There actually is quite a bit more (about 23k total). I don't know why I never posted the rest of it. I haven't worked on it in a long time because I got distracted by other novel projects. I may have to revisit it though
You can PM me your email address if you want and I'll send you the file. It stops in a weird place, and I haven't looked at it or done anything with in in years (so it might be rough in places), but I'd be happy to let you read the rest!
Oh, wow! There is a lot!!!
This is great and I'm really enjoying reading this story but I think that you should have extended this a little bit because I'm not too sure about the ending. So extend it a little. Have Micah reply and I guess work from there. Good luck and keep writing.