Jimmy here.
Time to brush off my old reviewing skills and take them for a spin. I hath come forth from the darkness of my humble abode to see if I can give you a little nit picks here and there (Yea, we'll see how that goes) that can hopefully help ya along.
Two quick disclaimers before I start. My grammar skills were swallowed by a black hole so I can't help ya there. Also, I don't really have a great censor skills so if I say anything you think is rude don't take it personally.
Righty-O, let's do this.
1) From the start, I'm not sure what exactly this work is. I'm gonna work off the basis that this is some introduction hybrid, but I could be wrong and if I am, adjust my comments how you see fit.
2) Your start is, well, awkward. It moves too fast and lacks details. Now, I'm not saying you need to turn every little detail into a long drawn out play, but a little slower pacing would work wonders.
3) Right from the get-go, you are weaving exposition into a scene without context. You start with him waking up and turning on the TV to suddenly talking about his brother. The transition should be a little more fluid. It also cuts back and forth randomly.
4) "avenge" doesn't seem to be a good fit for the context. It makes it sound like he and cancer bout to square up. I would for a word that doesn't sound so aggressive. But that's just me.
5) "walked up to his creation"
You never say anything about what his creation is. Is it a machine? A vat of chems? (Although Luke run an underground meth lab would be a major plot twist lol) Since the creation is the focal point of the story, you should describe it in great detail. And I mean great detail. This is the cure for cancer. The greatest medical breakthrough of a generation! Tell the audience about every little detail! Engrain it in their brains till they see it in they sleep.
6) "because we all know"
Ya dun did break the fourth wall. You probably should change "we all know" to "Everyone knew" to keep it in the bounds of the story.
7) "One day he passed out and didn't wake up"
Are we talking about a whole other day here? If so you can't make a transition that quick. Ya just can't. I got lost real bad.
8. "they left she shredded a tear."
You changed perspective after his accident to following his mother instead of him. One of the dangers of the third person I'm afraid. (Enter one of my biggest problems. I struggle with this all the time. Golden Quill recks me for it.)
9) "Your mother brought in a mysterious substance from the shed after you passed out"
Now, I've have been to the hospital a lot for a multitude of reasons. (Don't ask, don't tell). We got some medical inconsistencies here. First, Luke would have had to been out for a long, long time for them to test his concoction and determine its uses. I mean for all they knew it was a very strong version of lean. Not exactly the kind of thing ya give to cancer patients on a hunch. Second, are we talking one kind of cancer here or a fix-all? If it is that latter then you gotta take into account all the different forms of cancer. I mean, there are ways around that; namely saying that this cure modifies the genetic makeup of a patient to make them immune or something like that.
So, how to fix the first one. I mean I don't want to be rude but it is a big open plot hole. Now, a little work and we can patch that up with duct tape and make it smooth with the good ol' WD-40. First, we need to give the doctors a motivation to take a look at the meds. My suggestion is a blood test. While looking at the blood, the doctors notice something weird and then call in a specialist. The specialist has a hunch that it might be related to cancer and another doctor builds on that to develop a theory that this *might* cure cancer. The *might* is important. Doctors don't like working in absolutes (Plausible deniability and all that). That way when he wakes up they can say "Luke, we believe you've developed a possible cure for cancer!" It is not as definitive I know, but I think it actually adds a bit of hope on to the end and leaves room to expand on this idea for a cure.
10) Last one, I swear.
Your pacing is really fast. You blast through things that could fill up entire chapters. Him collapsing is a pivotal moment you can do a lot with. You could end a chapter with that giving the story more suspense. You could use it to show the harmful effects of the drug. My advice. Slow it down, add more detail, and break it up more. Give readers the story in pieces, each one leading perfectly into the next. Keep them wanting more and more.
Whew OKIE DAY I've finished. BOOM. Whew. I'm sorry.
Soooo... I'm awful at giving compliments. I know that sounds obnoxious, but all my compliments tend to come out as suggestions that lead into more suggestions and so forth so I'll just be honest with ya.
Good start and an interesting premise no doubt about that. From your bio, I gathered you're still pretty young and that's ok! You got a lot of growing ahead of you and you got an advantage over the older ones here (Me) cause you get so much more time to expand and improve your skills!
I leave you with this. Keep it up. Learn everything you can. And go kick some a** for me.
Cheers,
Sir Granny Smith
Points: 1508
Reviews: 52
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