z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

The Infected Chapter IV - Matt 3.0: The Titanium Terminal

by CaptainPanda13


Matt flew the ship across the galaxy, Scars, and bruises across his face after being crushed by the concrete ceiling. Osazoid was in the infirmary gradually recovering from the incident. Matt's clone was reading a magazine like nothing had happened

"Hey Matt, have you realized that no one is looking after Osazoid?" asked Matt's clone in a sarcastic voice

"Oh god, we better check on him" shouted Matt back

"Sit down!" replied Matt's clone calmly.

"While I was at the prison, I met a robot who wished he was a worker in a spacecraft. Quite ironically his name was Matt, so meet the new member. Matt 3.0!" 

An arenaceous, chrome robot walked out of the infirmary. The machine wore rubber gloves, a medical coat and a blue undershirt. A blood stain running down his face followed by a friendly smile.

"Hello Matt, I have heard some gossip about you. I am so sorry that you were hit by the ceiling and almost died." uttered Matt's robot clone in his plain, boring voice. 

"How is Osazoid?" wondered Matt.

"Oh, him" replied Matt 3.0 followed by a clearly fake, quick laugh. He walked back into the infirmary before closing the door behind him. Matt was already suspicious of him, he was untrustworthy.

Matt got up and banged on the door as hard as he could

"Open up!" shouted Matt with all his breath, nobody answered.

"We are being serious!" followed his clone.

Suddenly, the door opened and he let them in. He didn't close it and followed them around, Matt noticed he had something in his pocket but he couldn't make it out.

He stealthily pulled it out of his pocket and fiddled with it behind his back. 

Matt was staring at Osazoid, he was fine surprising. So why was he acting suspicious?

Then out of nowhere, Matt collapsed followed by Matt's clone, his vision turned to an unpretentious white colour. Then everything rapidly turned black, he was still awake and couldn't move at all. He was there for only a couple minutes which felt like a lifetime to Matt, but finally, his vision slowly returned. He got up and looked around, The ship rusted like chains in water. In the corner lay a labyrinth of cobwebs. Matt could tell that this wasn't a hallucination. He looked out the cockpit, A purple sky and towers and skyscrapers surrounding him. What was going on was confusing for Matt, no way this was real. He walked out of the door, His clone following him. They looked around the local area trying to see if they could find him, just catching the glimpse of a blue medical coat, just like Matt's robot clone. He sprinted towards there and tackled the robot down the impenetrable staircase before landing in the station. 

"What are you doing!" shouted Matt down the robot's face

"I haven't done anything I swear, and even if I did I can give loads of facts!" replied the robot

"Like what" answered Matt back

"Did you know all pet owners are furries?"

"Or did you know that the August 21st eclipse was faked by NASA to cover up Planet X?"

Suddenly Matt slowly calmed down and jumped off him

"Sorry for the misunderstanding, your facts are truly remarkable. You must be a scientific genius! so I am sorry for what I did. Can we shake on it?" asked Matt

Suddenly a train arrived at, The robot stared at it briskly before shoving Matt away and sprinting inside the train. Matt barged through the thousands of people in the station trying to catch up with him, it was too late. He was out of site at this point, he sighed and walked off out of the station

Matt walked back to the ship, his clone was trying to start up the ship. Osazoid was alive and was perfectly fine, the only problem was the robot on the loose. Plus the ship.

"Hey Matt, bad news. The ship is completely broken, the engine is busted so we can't get escape from this planet for now. Sadly..." uttered Osazoid.

Matt went to rent a car to move around the planet easier as Osazoid and Matt's clone attempted yet again to fix the spacecraft.

"Hey guys!" shouted a voice from below, It was Matt

"I rented the car, what do you think of this baby?" asked Matt

They looked at the car to see a what looked like a cheap BMW

"It looks horrible, but it will do!" replied Osazoid

"Wanna go to a fast food restaurant or something?" wondered Matt

They couldn't be bothered but it would probably upset Matt, so they decided to agree.

"Ok then, let's go!" shouted Matt again

The two walked down the stairs of the spacecraft and hopped into the car. They eventually started it and drove off.

"Matt, I forgot to ask, do you have a driving license?" wondered his clone

"Just let me think... No" replied Matt

"Well why are you driving a car!" shouted Osazoid

"Who cares, you are a robot I don't know why you are complaining?" shouted Matt back

"Everyone Stop!" shouted Osazoid

"I have good news, I found a DNA-based tracker in a box of old stuff in"

"And you put something like a hair strand or anything from the robot?" 

"I have a wire?" replied Matt

Osazoid snatched it from him and placed it inside the machine, everyone paused for a moment before the computer began to speak.

"Name Of Wire Owner: Matt"

"Family: None"

"Imprisoned for 30 years due to killing his creator, Jack Jackson" 

Everyone suddenly gasped.

"I knew he was a murderer!" shouted Matt

"Also we are here"...

Everybody unbuckled themselves and got out the car, Matt's clone ordered what everybody wanted as Matt and Osazoid sat down.

"Hello sir, may I have the Mortemburger. The French Fries with The Exterminator Sauce and 2 number 9s, a number nine large. A number 6 with extra dip, 2 number 45s one with cheese and a large soda"

While the chef was serving up the food Matt's clone looked around the area, he saw a figure who looked oddly familiar. Then suddenly he recognized him, Matt 3.0. He grabbed the laser rocket Osazoid gave him as a birthday present and aimed it at the havoc-making moron. The robot turned and swiftly evaded the attack and landed on the counter, he jumped up and sprinted out of the door.

"Get him!" shouted Matt 2.0

Matt and Osazoid jumped up and sprinted towards him, followed by Matt's clone. All of a sudden Matt 3.0 bashed through the BMW door and started it up.

"Don't worry, I've got this!" uttered Matt's clone to the rest.

He picked up his laser launcher and yet again aimed it at the car. He fired it... then silence. They were surrounded by smoke and flames and were unable to tell whether he was alive or mangled. Nothing was heard, they walked over to the car. They pulled the robot out of the car and dragged him down the road and into the sunset...

The midnight moon shone brightly on the three and the robot as they dragged into the ship. They all placed him down on the infirmary table as Osazoid examined him, Matt bandaged up his cuts as his clone played around with the microchip.

Matt's clone then inserted it into the scanner. Everything went white again, everybody collapsed. Then it rapidly changed to black, he was there for the usual 2 or 3 minutes. Then he opened his eyes again, they were in space. Everything was how it was before, then suddenly the robot walked out of the door.

"Hello Matt, I have heard some gossip about yo-" said Matt's robot clone, being stopped by Matt.

"Osazoid, hold him down!" shouted Matt.

Osazoid suddenly ran up behind him and held his arms together so he could not move at all. Matt grabbed a hammer from the drawer and walked up to the robot. Suddenly Osazoid was frozen in spot, he was stunned and couldn't move at all. The robot kicked him out the way and walked up to Matt, The robot grabbed a crowbar from Matt's clone. Who was also paralyzed on spot, what was going on?

"What are you doing!" shouted Matt

"Cleansing you and your friends" replied the robot, before smashing his face in with the metal bar. He fell to the floor, and at that moment. he had figured out what had gone on, he was put in a simulation and none of it was real. Not even the air or the food or the people. He had a plan...

He got up and walked towards the robot, and kicked him in the nutsack. He then grabbed the crowbar and repetitively bashed The Robot's head in with the bar. He held his hand up in the air before gradually placing it back down again, he was dead... 

Matt grabbed the robot and pulled out the microchip and threw him off the ship. He inserted the chip into the computer and discovered the truth. The disease he had, who the robot was and who the robot was sent by...

To Be Continued in Chapter V


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52 Reviews


Points: 1508
Reviews: 52

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Fri Nov 03, 2017 12:28 am
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jimss23 wrote a review...



Jimmy here.

Time to brush off my old reviewing skills and take them for a spin. I hath come forth from the darkness of my humble abode to see if I can give you a little nit picks here and there (Yea, we'll see how that goes) that can hopefully help ya along.

Two quick disclaimers before I start. My grammar skills were swallowed by a black hole so I can't help ya there. Also, I don't really have a great censor skills so if I say anything you think is rude don't take it personally.

Righty-O, let's do this.

1) From the start, I'm not sure what exactly this work is. I'm gonna work off the basis that this is some introduction hybrid, but I could be wrong and if I am, adjust my comments how you see fit.

2) Your start is, well, awkward. It moves too fast and lacks details. Now, I'm not saying you need to turn every little detail into a long drawn out play, but a little slower pacing would work wonders.

3) Right from the get-go, you are weaving exposition into a scene without context. You start with him waking up and turning on the TV to suddenly talking about his brother. The transition should be a little more fluid. It also cuts back and forth randomly.

4) "avenge" doesn't seem to be a good fit for the context. It makes it sound like he and cancer bout to square up. I would for a word that doesn't sound so aggressive. But that's just me.

5) "walked up to his creation"

You never say anything about what his creation is. Is it a machine? A vat of chems? (Although Luke run an underground meth lab would be a major plot twist lol) Since the creation is the focal point of the story, you should describe it in great detail. And I mean great detail. This is the cure for cancer. The greatest medical breakthrough of a generation! Tell the audience about every little detail! Engrain it in their brains till they see it in they sleep.

6) "because we all know"

Ya dun did break the fourth wall. :) You probably should change "we all know" to "Everyone knew" to keep it in the bounds of the story.

7) "One day he passed out and didn't wake up"

Are we talking about a whole other day here? If so you can't make a transition that quick. Ya just can't. I got lost real bad.

8. "they left she shredded a tear."

You changed perspective after his accident to following his mother instead of him. One of the dangers of the third person I'm afraid. (Enter one of my biggest problems. I struggle with this all the time. Golden Quill recks me for it.)

9) "Your mother brought in a mysterious substance from the shed after you passed out"

Now, I've have been to the hospital a lot for a multitude of reasons. (Don't ask, don't tell). We got some medical inconsistencies here. First, Luke would have had to been out for a long, long time for them to test his concoction and determine its uses. I mean for all they knew it was a very strong version of lean. Not exactly the kind of thing ya give to cancer patients on a hunch. Second, are we talking one kind of cancer here or a fix-all? If it is that latter then you gotta take into account all the different forms of cancer. I mean, there are ways around that; namely saying that this cure modifies the genetic makeup of a patient to make them immune or something like that.

So, how to fix the first one. I mean I don't want to be rude but it is a big open plot hole. Now, a little work and we can patch that up with duct tape and make it smooth with the good ol' WD-40. First, we need to give the doctors a motivation to take a look at the meds. My suggestion is a blood test. While looking at the blood, the doctors notice something weird and then call in a specialist. The specialist has a hunch that it might be related to cancer and another doctor builds on that to develop a theory that this *might* cure cancer. The *might* is important. Doctors don't like working in absolutes (Plausible deniability and all that). That way when he wakes up they can say "Luke, we believe you've developed a possible cure for cancer!" It is not as definitive I know, but I think it actually adds a bit of hope on to the end and leaves room to expand on this idea for a cure.

10) Last one, I swear.

Your pacing is really fast. You blast through things that could fill up entire chapters. Him collapsing is a pivotal moment you can do a lot with. You could end a chapter with that giving the story more suspense. You could use it to show the harmful effects of the drug. My advice. Slow it down, add more detail, and break it up more. Give readers the story in pieces, each one leading perfectly into the next. Keep them wanting more and more.


Whew OKIE DAY I've finished. BOOM. Whew. I'm sorry.

Soooo... I'm awful at giving compliments. I know that sounds obnoxious, but all my compliments tend to come out as suggestions that lead into more suggestions and so forth so I'll just be honest with ya.

Good start and an interesting premise no doubt about that. From your bio, I gathered you're still pretty young and that's ok! You got a lot of growing ahead of you and you got an advantage over the older ones here (Me) cause you get so much more time to expand and improve your skills!

I leave you with this. Keep it up. Learn everything you can. And go kick some a** for me.

Cheers,

Sir Granny Smith




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Points: 2
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Thu Nov 02, 2017 11:32 pm
TyaW wrote a review...



This is a good start for what could be a great story! It has a fine premise and the main character has quite some potential.

All that aside, there are quite a few holes in this story. The characters are in dire need of some fleshing out. One way you could do this is by switching the view over from Luke's perspective over to Maisie from time to time, adding some other important characters other than Luke.

Also, maybe add some flashbacks to when Luke's brother died, to really relay that passion of his works.

You could also add a mentor character, one that is teaching him about the sciences of disease and whatnot, so he's not just a kid that's finding out how to cure cancer on his own. Other than those two things and a few grammatical errors(not that I can really judge), it's a great beginning to what's shaping up to be an awesome story!






Thank you for the review, I might add a mentor character :D
Thanks



TyaW says...


No prob homeslice



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Points: 200
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Thu Nov 02, 2017 5:14 pm
CaptainPanda13 says...



This was just a little introduction to this three-part thing, the other two will be a lot longer, trust me :D





I want to understand you, I study your obscure language.
— Alexander Pushkin