z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Infected Unused Chapter - The Infection Begins

by CaptainPanda13


The creature approached Matt with a bloodthirsty grin. The attempt of trying to make a run for it was absolutely useless, no matter what he did he was eventually going to die. The only thing he could hope for is that somebody would save him, which was very unlikely...

"Quick, we are running out of time!" shouted Ozasoid, he hesitated that Matt was already way past the point of being injured or hurt.

"Wait, I think I see something over there!" said Oza excited, he sprinted towards the mysterious place in hope that Matt was still alive.

Matt was cornered, he closed his eyes and turned away. He wanted his death to be quick and painless. Then all of a sudden, a small screech came from somewhere near. He opened his eyes to find the creature open-mouthed and frozen on the spot, The creature kneeled down. The venom from his fangs dripping onto Matt's foot.

"Ouch!" shouted Matt, looking at his burnt off skin. "Listen, we have to go before the others start coming!" said Osazoid,

 "What others?" asked Matt curiously. 

"Others of his kind, ok. We have to go!" said Osazoid clearly in a rush. 

Under the moonlight, a howl was heard. Osazoid hesitated and froze for a quick second.

 "We have to go!" shouted Osazoid before swiftly sprinting off grabbing Matt and his clones hand with him...

All three of them sprinted off, "Matt, Jump!" shouted Ozasoid

"Why?" asked Matt, Matt was tripped over by a dark shadow, the shadow crawled into the moonlight to reveal a clone of the original alien, Just when he was getting ready to fight, all of a sudden the alien dropped. "Matt, next time listen to my information," said Osazoid carrying a massive laser launcher. "You have it, you need to protect yourself because you can't listen to simple instructions!" 

"Calm down!" said Matt's clone. "Remember that we are trying to escape, not argue!" 

"Well too late," said Ozasoid looking around them. At this point they were surrounded, no escape what so ever. "Wait, stop!" shouted a figure in the background, the shadow butted his way through the creatures to reveal his identity. "Hello young gentleman, as you can see I am one of these things. But don't let that put you off, I am the president or king of our home planet and would like to study some key features of Humans" 

"Are you the only person who can speak English on that planet then?" asked Matt

"No, it's just a translator, you carbon-based life turned our planet into a zoo and gave us all these really uncomfortable translators." 

"Wait a second, have you been bitten by anything in this forest, you look unwell. All of you" asked the unknown alien.

"I have been bitten by one of you, so if all of us are ill blame me I suppose" answered Matt.

"Oh no, this is bad. You should come to our home planet immediately, we need to cure this disease for you.

"What is it?" asked Matt

"Trust me, you don't wanna know. Anyway everybody get back in the ship. Matt, Osazoid and you, come and follow me into the ship so we can cure the horrible disease that you have"

I wonder what he has..? (let's hope it isn't that bad)

Find out in Chapter 2 of "The Infected"

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
1085 Reviews

Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Donate
Sun Oct 29, 2017 8:01 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review on this fine Review Day. I noticed this is an unused chapter, so I'll read this one first and review it, then go to the actual Ch. 1.2 and tell you what I think about the changes.

First off, I like all your ideas here! The alien in particular is what's interesting to me right now. I want to know more about why although all the other aliens are dangerous, he's not. I'm not sure I should trust him. I also found it surprising that he, as the president/king, is here on Earth by himself to research humans. I would have thought he wouldn't be allowed to come for safety reasons.

I'll echo what Justlittleoleme said about the pace of the story feeling rushed, making it sometimes hard to follow. For example, I'm still not sure how Matt got rescued from the monster - did Ozasoid shoot it? That's what I'd guess, but you never actually say.

One of the big things that makes it feel rushed is that you don't ever describe the setting, or what the area around the characters looks like. You definitely don't want to overdo it, but just telling us that Matt is backed up against a tree or has tripped over some tangled branches would really help the reader picture the scene. Right now, all I know is that they're outside and in or near a forest, but I'm not sure where this forest is or what it looks like.

Also, remember that when you have a line of dialogue in a paragraph, if someone else starts talking, their dialogue should be in a new paragraph. For example, this:

"Well too late," said Ozasoid looking around them. At this point they were surrounded, no escape what so ever. "Wait, stop!" shouted a figure in the background, the shadow butted his way through the creatures to reveal his identity.

should have a paragraph break after "At this point they were surrounded, no escape what so ever." because the alien is the next person to talk, rather than Ozasoid.

And I think I'll leave it at that! This is definitely an interesting story, and I'll be sure to review a few more parts of it today.




User avatar
40 Reviews

Points: 17
Reviews: 40

Donate
Sat Oct 21, 2017 6:46 pm
Justlittleoleme2 wrote a review...



Hey there CaptainPanda!

I want to start out by saying that I LOVE sci-fi. Absolutely cannot get enough of the stuff. ^-^ So I was glad to see your story up here.

However I am having a hard time following your sentence structure and dialogue. Hence, this review:

The attempt of trying to make a run for it was absolutely useless, no matter what he did he was eventually going to die.


Attempt and trying, are essentially the same word. Using them both in this sentence is superfluous at best, and very awkward to read.

It would be better to say: attempting to run was absolutely useless, or trying to run was absolutely useless.

"Quick, we are running out of time!" shouted Ozasoid, he hesitated that Matt was already way past the point of being injured or hurt.


You need to indicate who Ozasoid is yelling to, and clarify weather Oza and Ozasoid are the same person or not. .

This part especially:

he hesitated that Matt was already way past the point of being injured or hurt.


The entire sentence makes no sense to me.

Perhaps writing it like this would be better: He hesitated, knowing that by now his friend would be far beyond the point of injury.

"Wait, I think I see something over there!" said Oza excited, he sprinted towards the mysterious place in hope that Matt was still alive.


Saying that he sprinted over to the mysterious place is a little odd, and doesn't really let us, as the reader, see what's happening.

Something like this, might be a little better:

"Wait, I think I see Matt!" said Oza excited. He sprinted over, hoping that is friend was still alive.


Anyway,

It would take an awful lot of time to sort out all of your grammar, so I'm just going to summarize:

Your issue revolves mostly around your language structure. Your use of punctuation is fine for the most part, but the way you say things comes off as a little odd. I feel as though I'm reading a tangled and messy train of thought, rather than a story someone took time to write.
In other words, I think your rushing your story. Your typing down everything that comes to mind, but not paying much attention to your craft. You need to read this from your readers perspective.

Remember, they aren't in your head. They can't see what your seeing. They are depending on you to fill in the details.

I'm going to prescribe a book:

The Pen Commandments by Steven Frank

This book helped me out a lot when I first started taking writing seriously. Not only is it fun to read, but it is incredibly informative and gives advice both on grammar and story telling.
I strongly advise you to check it out.

All in all, I like the story you are trying to tell. I can get a real sense of the world you want to create, and I encourage you to keep working at it.

Like I said, I love sci-fi!!!! ^-^




User avatar


Points: 200
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sat Oct 14, 2017 9:16 am
CaptainPanda13 says...



"We have to go!" shouted Osazoid before swiftly sprinting off grabbing Matt and his clones hand with him...

All three of them sprinted off, "Matt, Jump!" shouted Ozasoid

"Why?" asked Matt, Matt was tripped over by a dark shadow, the shadow crawled into the moonlight to reveal a clone of the original alien, Just when he was getting ready to fight, all of a sudden the alien dropped. "Matt, next time listen to my information," said Osazoid carrying a massive laser launcher. "You have it, you need to protect yourself because you can't listen to simple instructions!"

"Calm down!" said Matt's clone. "Remember that we are trying to escape, not argue!"

"Well too late," said Ozasoid looking around them. At this point they were surrounded, no escape what so ever. "Wait, stop!" shouted a figure in the background, the shadow butted his way through the creatures to reveal his identity. "Hello young gentleman, as you can see I am one of these things. But don't let that put you off, I am the president or king of our home planet and would like to study some key features of Humans"

"Are you the only person who can speak English on that planet then?" asked Matt

"No, it's just a translator, you carbon-based life turned our planet into a zoo and gave us all these really uncomfortable translators."

"Wait a second, have you been bitten by anything in this forest, you look unwell. All of you" asked the unknown alien.

"I have been bitten by one of you, so if all of us are ill blame me I suppose" answered Matt.

"Oh no, this is bad. You should come to our home planet immediately, we need to cure this disease for you.

"What is it?" asked Matt

"Trust me, you don't wanna know. Anyway everybody get back in the ship. Matt, Osazoid and you, come and follow me into the ship so we can cure the horrible disease that you have"

I wonder what he has..? (let's hope it isn't that bad)

Find out in Chapter 2 of "The Infected"





"The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein