Matt looked up into the stars wondering about the meaning of life, no one knew it but it would be nice to know. "Colonel Brucks land on that patch of grass over there would you," asked The President nicely. The colonel did not respond but proceeded to follow his instruction. "Landing wheels activated" shouted The Plane Computer out of nowhere. "That was a bit loud wasn't it," said Matt currently covering his ears.
"Our species only have half the hearing power compared to a Human" replied The Colonel. "If it wasn't that loud it would be practically unhearable to us"
"Anyway that doesn't matter now, we have landed"
"Ok then, Matt, the clone guy, and Osazoid. All follow me, Colonel Brucks you safe lock the car. You know the drill." said The King Creature
All 4 of them got out the vehicle and walked onto the busy streets. "So then, who was infected first then," wondered The King. Matt's clone and Osazoid pushed Matt in front of The King. "Him" shouted them both pointing towards Matt.
"Ok then, he could be in the hospital between the next 6 hours and the next 6 months. Go and buy yourself an apartment, Become a useless waste of a human being then eventually realize that your existence is absolutely useless, here is some starter cash. Deal?"
Osazoid and Matt's clone froze and blankly stared at each other
"Come on Matt, let's go," said The King before walking off, Matt proceeded to clump behind him following his every step...
"So then, where are we going then" wondered Matt
"Don't worry, we are only going to the hospital for a little while"
"Everything will be fine trust me"
Matt didn't reply and proceeded to clump along. "Hello, Mr. President, how can I be at your service today?" asked the Receptionist
"Hello Miss Zynx, I want to sign in my friend Matt who was apparently bitten by a rabid one of us and might have you know.The disease."
"Oh dear me, we will get you and Matt in as soon as possible. Please sit down for now while I sign you in" replied The Worker
Matt and The Creature sat down and waited for The Receptionist to finish signing the paperwork. "So Matt, tell me a little bit about you and yourself and how you got yourself in this mess" asked The King
"Well then, my two friends Osazoid and my clone which we call Matt-2 found out about this science lab called Zynx Laboratories B. Then all of a sudd-"
The President hesitated, "Did you say you went to Letter B?"
"Yes, why" replied Matt
"Just wait, I will be back in a minute"
The President got up and quickly walked off into the backroom, Matt got up and decided to leave, all of this business worried him a lot. "I will be going now, bye"
Matt got out of his seat and walked off, "Not so fast!" shouted a voice behind him. "The virus that you have is incurable, we don't want you spreading it across my amazing civilization. I can not let you live, Sorry Matt."
"Listen, I don't know what you are going on about, I am going okay!"
"You are not leaving!" commanded The King
"You have to die for the sake of my civilization, you are not leaving in a million years. I will even stay here If I it means sacrificing myself just for the civilia-"
He was shot...
"Lesson learned I suppose, not all leaders can be nice," said a voice from behind him.
Matt turned around to find his clone standing in front of him...
"Why are you here?" wondered Matt
"I am here because this planet is the worst place ever, the fastest rollercoaster in the theme park goes 20 miles per hour. also basically everything to do with the internet is banned, so I decided it would probably be better to just wait here, even if I had to do it for 6 months."
All of the sudden the door opened slowly, "This is The Police, you are under arrest for the assassination of The President, You will be executed on Tuesday!"
"We should surrender I suppose, It's for the greater good," said Matt
"Ok then, if it's for the best"
Matt both his clone put there hands up in the air and surrendered and allowed the Police to take them away, "So then I suppose this is the end for us" uttered Matt. "I suppose it is Matt, I am a clone anyway. I can just be rebuilt,"
"You are a bad, cowardly friend Matt. Even if you are my clone, you just never care about anyone do you."
"Oh no it's the end of the universe" replied Matt's clone sarcastically
"We are going to be executed, tomorrow. Do you even care about life or anything that can breathe?"
"Not really, I would prefer to be a robot with that classic laser vision. Maybe sneak some laser eye or even hidden rockets that come out of your shoulders, but no. Instead, I am the clone of a complete moron"
"You know what I am sick of you now, what in the world is wrong with you. You want to die so badly, here you go!"
"What are you doing with that gun!"
His clone hesitated.
"Listen, I don't know what happened to you but you have turned into a complete crazy psychopath. I fulfilling your quote on quote "Dream" by doing this!" shouted Matt
"Keep it down in there!"
Matt put the gun away and sat down, his clone did not show it but he felt guilty. Maybe he could do something to change for once. To make his friend happy...
Something to change...
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hello, Steggy here for a quick review!
I haven't read the previous chapter so if I get anything wrong, let me know.
While I do like this beginning, I think you might've used some punctuation incorrectly. It's pretty common to misuse it but I think in this case, the comma should be a period. This first sentence opens up a character trait of Matthew and I think you did a nice job of expressing it. Now, when someone speaks in any story, I think it is best if you placed it in its own paragraph. Because you are starting off with a new character that is speaking and I think if were to leave that dialogue there, the reader might get confused on who is speaking. Another thing to keep in mind would be if there is a plural noun such as a name or a place, you should capitalize it. With the term 'The Plane Computer', I think that should be lower case.
There is a tad bit more dialogue than there is an actual plot. Which in most cases is fine but I feel for this chapter, there should be an equal amount of dialogue and actual plot. They both even each other out since they are both the colors of writing. If you begin to use only one, then the whole painting looks kind of bland. If you use too much on one, then the whole thing looks black and gross. Using both, makes the picture look prettier.
Speaking of dialogue, the character inside your head may sound different to the reader. You should add some description to how they talk. It'll help, again, with imagining the character a little better.
When using ellipses, it should only follow something that is being omitted. In this case, you are using it as a dramatic term.
The bit where he is going to assassinate the president feels a bit sudden. With actions, I think it is nice if you focus on one item that seems to bring the whole part together. You can look up action references to help you understand it better with writing actiony parts.
Overall, I did enjoy the plot throughout this chapter and the characters. One thing I suggest is reading your work over because that way you can figure out mistakes that you see.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
Hey there CaptainPanda! I've skimmed through Chapter 1 and 1.2, so I'll take the chance to give a short review on this piece, if you don't mind. I'll get straight into it.
So! First thing I notice is: pacing. You're story's quite fast-paced, which can be a bad thing because it means readers don't have much time to process what exactly is going on, leaving them confused for most of the story. It can be a good thing because it means the story is constantly moving forward and there's no time for the reader to get bored, but... well, currently I think we all need a breather from the constantly-moving plot.
So how do you give us room to breathe? I think you could take your time to describe the setting a bit more, as well as your characters' emotions. There are moments where it's unclear what's happening because you're going so fast - like this passage:
I had no idea what was happening and who shot who. Taking your time to describe the actions of the characters and setting would help readers imagine what's happening more clearly. It'll also slow down the plot and let the reader enjoy your story at a steadier pace.
That aside, my thoughts about the story itself: it's not my cup of tea, but I do want to know why Matt has a clone in the first place. I'd love to hear more about the world this is set in, if clones are commonplace here. Also wonder how this disease will play into the story?
Also, I must mention that Osazoid seems to have disappeared mid-way through this chapter. Suddenly there's no mention of him, unless I've missed it on my read-through, in which case I apologise.
I think that'll be it from me. Actually, I don't think I've mentioned it, but you've got a solid foundation for a story here; you've got the characters, setting, and plot - a whole world - laid out quite nicely. It's just a matter of writing about that world in a coherent way, so that readers can immerse themselves into it without a hitch. It's definitely a difficult skill to hone for pretty much everyone, including myself, but aye, I'm confident you'll get there.
And now that's it from me! If anything I said was confusing, please tell me and I'll try to explain in a better way, or at least direct you to someone/somewhere that can. I apologise if this review wasn't helpful at all.
Happy Review Day, and I look forward to seeing more of your works around the site~!
Well that was unexpected.
Okay, so this sentence actually really interested me because it showed a side to Matt's character that we hadn't seen before - that he's not much of a philosophical guy because he doesn't try to actually figure out the meaning of life, he just wishes he could know it. I like that. It shows he's very practical.
Not to beat a dead horse, but the part that confused me the most in this chapter was why they were getting arrested for killing the president - at first it wasn't clear that Matt's clone had actually shot him. I'd thought it was Matt that had gotten shot. Again, that just comes from rushing things too quickly and not taking the time to really show us the scene.
Also, sometimes your dialogue sounds kind of weird, not like a real person would talk. My #1 tip for that is to read your dialogue out loud - it helps you figure out what just doesn't roll off the tongue.
Aside from that, this was a pretty crazy, action-packed part! I really want to know more about everything that's going on here - what's this planet like? Why wasn't Matt put in quarantine or something the moment they got to the planet? Also, why did he just decide to up and leave? Shouldn't he be worried if he does have some incurable disease?
I'm also really curious as to the clone's motivation in all this. Shooting the president is such an extreme act - why do it and then give himself up? I hope you tell us more about what he's thinking in later parts.
I also like that we're seeing a bit of a character arc from Matt, since he wants to change to make his clone happy. I have no idea what he's going to do, though.
And I'll leave it at that! Good luck, and keep writing!