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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

The Infected Chapter 3 - Omega Plague 7

by CaptainPanda13


"So then, your cell is here. Remember your execution is tomorrow, here is a quick information leaflet for you. Doesn't really matter though, you're dying tomorrow anyway." 

The prison guard walked off laughing at his own joke. "Matt, look at this. The prison has a science lab, maybe they have something there that can help us maybe"

Matt himself took a peek at the leaflet to see if any more information was available. "Look at this, it also includes anything that you need from painkillers, sleeping pills, and even shape-changing lollipops. This is like some magical adventure film, discluding the fact that we are going to die soon" whispered Matt, 

"Why are you whispering" wondered Matt's clone.

 "Remember what happened early on?"

"I reme-"

"It was rhetorical" butted in Matt...

"And I neither you probably care, let's just go"

Matt and his clone hopped off the bench and walked to a guard for guidance

"Err, hello Mister Prison Guard. Do you know where the science lab is, me and my friend really need to go" asked Matt anxiously

"From here, let me think. Left, Right, Down The Stairs, Right, Straight forward then turn left on second door then you are there."

The prison guard pushed them both away, threw a mysterious gadget on the floor and walked off.

"Hey look, it's a prison GPS." 

Matt picked it up and fiddled round with it.

"Give it here" shouted his Clone

"Ok GPS, lead me to the science lab!" said Matt screaming into the microphone.

"Yes master, teleporting to Weaponery Room in 5, 4, 3, 2-"

"Stop!" shouted Matt

"Teleport us to the nearest Science Lab" said Matt to the GPS in a normal tone.

"No"

"How about yes you stupid piece of cr-"

Matt stopped his clone

"Please" asked Matt kindly

"Oh fine, teleporting to the Science Lab in 3, 2, 1, GO!

...

When they arrived at the lab they were surprised, it was well organized and very tidy. The ironic thing is though is that it was the biggest place in the prison, but nobody was there which was rather strange. "What the hell is this?" wondered Matt as he slowly walked over to a shelf with jars full of weird liquid. 

"These jars are full of magical powers, you can have it injected into you for free. Pay in 24 hours or else" read Matt from the jar.

 Doesn't matter to you anyway." uttered a voice from behind them, they turned around to find an old man most likely in his mid-eighties standing behind a counter. 

"Have a search around and find something you would like to buy or rent" said the old man 

"Feel free to chose whatever you desire"

So Matt had a little search around, "You can have different emotions, youth or even luck injected into!"

"Luck!" His clone butted in, he barged Matt out of the way knocking him down.

 "They didn't really think this one through, did they. It is luck for crying out loud, it's like they wanted us to escape. Grab this one and just hope for the best it is not a scam"

Matt picked it up and brung it to the till

"Hello sir, can I buy this jar of luck please" asked Matt.

"Well sure, also it's free because you have no use to it anyway" The man smiled showing all of his rotten teeth.

"Ok then, th-thanks then" stuttered Matt, the guy seemed creepy to him and was out of the normal to him.

His clone ripped the label off so nobody got suspicious, the old man was probably just a crazy freak.

 "We gotta go to the medical room so we can have this injected into us" 

"With needles?" replied Matt worryingly

"Yes, needles. Did you think we were gonna drink it with straws or get a handful of it and shove it up our an-"

Matt stopped his clone, again.

"We get it, let's just get it over and done with as quickly as possible"

Matt tried to look like he didn't care but secretly he was terrified of needles, one of his worst fears.

"Here we go, the medical room. World's most hygienic places, usually anyway"

Matt and his clone walked inside and sat down in the waiting room, Matt's fear getting worse and worse with every second that went by.

 "Because I am nice, you can go first" uttered Matt to his clone nicely hoping that it would work.

"Ok then, thanks I suppose" 

Matt's fear died down a bit now knowing it would take longer. All of a sudden a voice came from the other side of the room.

"Next please" shouted a middle aged woman standing next to a hospital bed. His clone got up and went up the woman.

"Can I have this injected into me please, it's lu-"

"Luck!" replied a women

"That's forbidden to inmates in this hospital" shouted the woman again

"It's not luck, it lu-lu-luncaliean. It makes it so you are never bored and the guy by the till said I could have it" replied Matt hoping she was tricked by his trick.

"Ok then, lie down and we will inject this into you right away."

Matt and his clone did a mini celebration to each other while she got everything ready for the injection.

"Sir, we are ready for the injection," said the nurse

The nurse dabbed his arm with a cloth and quickly tested it to make sure it works and then, the injection.

"This may take a couple of minutes but it's better safe than sor-"

"What's that sound?" wondered Matt's clone

"Probably the radiator, it's a very noisy thing. Trust me" replied the nurse in attempt to calm him.

All of a sudden, something sharp hit Matt on the top of the skull. He looked up to find the roof crumbling. He stared then suddenly...

"Watch out!" shouted his clone...

A massive bang was heard then followed by silence, out of the window an ambulance followed by 3 police cars surrounding was saw.

"Matt, are you there!" shouted his clone worryingly, he dug through the debris to see if he could find him. No sign of him was found

By this time the medics arrived and attempted to find him, no use as the debris was covering the entire floor of the room. His clone walked away and sat down in a corner, knowing his friend was most likely dead...

"Bloody hell this leg hurts!" shouted Matt, he was walking around the yard behind the prison walking towards the fence.

"Maybe the luck did work in ways, but every single organ and limb is in very great pain at the moment," told Matt to himself

Matt finally got to the top of the fence and decided just to drop as it wasn't that tall...

"Oh what a bloody stupid prick" shouted Matt to himself.

He stood up really slowly, his legs wobbling and his arms dead. He rubbed himself off and limped through the parking lot and into the city, he attemped to find help before something bad happened to him. He crawled to the nearest apartment and knocked on the door really weakly.

Matt dropped to the ground waiting for the door to open if it would.

Then suddenly, the door opened and the owner looked to the ground.

"Matt is that you?" wondered the figure

Matt looked up to finally find his friend, Osazoid!

He helped Matt up and took him to the couch so he could relax in peace and quiet.

"What in the world happened to you!" shouted Osa

"I killed the president guy, got arrested. While Me V2 was getting injected with luck the roof collapsed on me. Everyone thinks I am dead but I managed to escape, also we were gonna be executed tomorrow" 

"What, executed tomorrow!" shouted Osazoid

Osazoid sprinted away as Matt fell asleep nice and comfy on the couch. Osazoid swiftly ran into the garage and grabbed the weapons he needed and put them on correctly.

"I'll be back later, bye!" shouted Osa

Matt stayed silent until he went, when all signs of him being there were gone he got up and limped into the garage following his footsteps. He grabbed a red and black laser launching maniac weapon and crawled back to the prison, Matt didn't trust Osazoid alone as he always fails, same with him. So a good idea would be to work toghether.

"Everybody put your hands in the air!" shouted Osazoid as he walked through the prison door. He pointed his gun towards everyone he went past and made sure they did not move. He ran into the medical to find it empty apart from a pile of debris and a woman looking horrified by the disaster, he walked out of the room and ran down the corridor to see a figure in the corner. 

"Is that you?" asked Osazoid

"Yep, it's me. Can we just get out of here before today get's any worse"

"Yeah, we should" replied Osazoid

All of a sudden Matt came bursting in through roof. "Was that necessary or was that useless?"

"Useless" replied Matt's clone

"Anyways, I think we should go hom-nevermind" 

They were surrounded by police and they were cornered.

"Don't worry, I got this" shouted Matt

He grabbed out his laser gun and pointed it and the wall, and shot.

Gunshots followed after the shot, as the smoke cleared you could see that Osazoid was shot, he fell from the hole. Matt and his clone jumping off after him...

Two options were available, Osazoid survived or he met his fate...

Both had the same chance of happening...


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351 Reviews


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Wed Nov 22, 2017 9:04 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hello CaptainPanda13! Scribbles here, dropping by for a review!

-I haven't read the previous chapters so I apologise if some of my points are inconsistent because of it.

-I've never read a story with a clone before, and the only time I've seen any media with clones has been sort of cheesy and not very well done. The way your write your clone here intrigues me, and I'd be curious to see where you go with that because you don't see it very often, so kudos to you :)

-I would suggest adding dialogue tags at the beginning to make it more clear who is talking, because the first few times I read over the beginning I didn't understand who was speaking. It feels a bit rushed too, and you never say that the prison guard gave Matt's clone the leaflet or that Matt's clone even opened it. The prison guard just speaks, walks away and Matt's clone has already found the science lab in the leaflet.

"And I neither you probably care, let's just go"


What is this supposed to mean?

-I also have to would why prisoners are being allowed into a science lab? Especially ones who have done something bad enough to be subjected to execution. In fact, why are they given so much free rein?
-And continuing on that point, why would the prison guard so carelessly drop a GPS? More importantly, why did he drop a GPS that could be used for teleportation? And my last question- why didn't they used it to just escape the prison? This whole GPS scene doesn't make any sense to me.

"These jars are full of magical powers, you can have it injected into you for free. Pay in 24 hours or else" read Matt from the jar.


This label contradicts itself. If it's free, why would it tell you to pay? Is it free or not?

Matt picked it up and brung it to the till


'Brung' is not a word.

-Generally, you have too much dialogue, and I'm not always sure who is talking because you don't use many dialogue tags. I would try to be more clear, and try to balance out between description and dialogue.

-Like Radrook said, your punctuation and grammar needs work, but that's an easy fix. I'd suggest getting someone to help look over your work for things that you miss, because it's easy when you're the one writing to miss mistakes you've written. You also have a tendency here to do a lot of telling over showing (which I'm sure you've heard before). But like I said, these are all pretty easy fixes, especially once you've got something written out.

-You have a pretty interesting story concept that I hope you keep exploring! Like I said, I like the way you've written in Matt's clone to the story.


I hope this review helped! Keep writing and have a great day :)

-scribbles




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Thu Nov 09, 2017 5:57 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this story. It definitely has a lot of action that’s for sure. Nice introduction too with Matt and his clone about to be executed and trying to get away.

But please note that there are some things you need to pay very close attention to. These things are grammar and punctuation. You know why? Because the reader gets distracted if we use faulty grammar and punctuatuion and that’s not a reaction that we as writers want our readwers to have.

What we want is to keep the reader totally engrossed in the story that we are telling. So the first thing to do before publishing a story is to pass it through a spell-checker and correct all the misspellings. Then we should look up an article on how to punctuate dialogue so that we don’t make basic mistakes.

Also we should try not to rush through the scenes. For example, the interaction between Matt and the security prison guard could have been extended and offered a great opportunity for adding information that would make Matt more realistic.

His fear of death could be delved on. The prison guard's reasons for detesting Matt could be examined a little. Mat’s reasons for trusting or not trusting such good luck potions could be briefly explored. Yet the scenes starts and ends in a wink. The same applies to all the other scenes.

Below are some suggestions:

Try not using the protagonist’s name too often. The name “Matt” appears a total of 40 times. It becomes extremely distracting after a while. As writers we don’t want to distract or annoy the reader-right?

Grammar:


“....was saw.” [was seen]

Spelling:


“....hom-nevermind"


“....work toghether.”

-----------------


Word economy:


Remove all totally unnecessary words.


Example:

“Matt's fear getting worse and worse with every second that went by.”

[“Matt’s fear gradually increased.”]

The reader already knows that seconds go by as fear increases.

Also, when we write a scene we have to ask ourselves whether it will be believed as possible or even probable. Matt escaping and immediately flying in through the hole in the roof moments later is too far fetched to be convincing. Especially with absolutely no opposition from security guards or the police. So please try to keep that in mind since it is also very important.





"Come quickly, I am drinking the stars!"
— Dom Pérignon