Meet, Matt and Matt-2, don't forget Osazoid. These are 3 best friends, Matt is 100% human, Matt-2 is a clone but still human and Osazoid is 36% human approximately though. After hearing about an abandoned science lab in a forest on the end of a Metropolitan, They can't resist on going on a nice, fun and friendly adventure. But what they don't know about is why it's abandoned...
"Goddamn, you spilled my drink" moaned Matt. "Don't worry, it's only a drink. I will get you a new one" replied his robot pal, Matt was driving the ship to Planet Z32 where the so-called "Hidden Technology" abandoned in a creepy looking atmosphere. Matt was very clumsy and had a phobia of pretty much everything, his main fear was ghosts so this was quite worrying for him. When the ship finally arrived, they grabbed their neatly packed knapsacks and set off.
It was night at this point in time, Matt's phobia started to kick in. The further they walked away from the city, the more afraid Matt got. After a couple minutes of silence, somebody actually spoke out which really sparked Matt's fear. "Ok then so the lab should be here!"
Matt's clone looked up to see a clearly abandoned, rusted, broken science lab. "Why won't this thing open!" said Osazoid angrily to himself while barging into the door with his shoulder and elbow. "Stop, let me try" said Matt, "I doubt you are gonna do it, Matt"
With a push of a finger the door opened itself, Osazoid stayed quiet while all three of them walked in, Matt looked like he was crying but keeping the tears inside his eyes to try and look brave. "Hello newcomers, I am the first proper supercomputer and today I will be of your assistance, Feel free to ask me any questions. "What is this place?" Asked Osazoid curiously. "Well master, This is Xyx Laboratories A, the first of the most powerful laboratories in the universe. They abandoned it beca-"
They all heard something, "Wh-Wha-What wa-as That" said Matt clearly frightened. With every footstep of this creature tiles, and metal from the roof crumbled and fell onto the floor below. Matt shouted "I am out!" as he ran off as quick as he could through the nearest exit. All of a sudden, the vent exit was slowly taken off and put to the side. Everybody watched in disbelief and fear as the creature slowly poked it's body out limb by limb, suddenly... It dropped, The sound echoed across the room as everybody remained frozen. The creature breathed heavily as it sniffed the two to see if they would make a good dinner. They remained frozen pretending to be statues, The creature walked across the room keeping an eye on the two. He paused for a moment and stared...
He turned back and walked out of the exit, they waited for him to be well out of sight before beginning to talk again, "Computer you could have stopped him, you are not even a human!" shouted Osazoid, "I can still die to you know" replied the computer. Matt's clone joined in the argument eventually, as the argument went on none of them realized that Matt is still out there. Completely lost in the forest... The creature is ready.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hey there CaptainPanda13 and happy review day. I saw a sequence of your chapters in the green room so I decided it was worth it to back track a little bit, to get a full sense of the story line.
Such a busy, busy little bee right off the bat and oh crap ellipsis. This opening paragraph was above all, confusing and was jam packed with way too much information for the confines of the space. At this point, you're welcoming readers in to come xplore your story, but the only feeling that I'm getting here is the want to run away.
I always like to say that the first line is what the author thinks is their best foot forward, otherwise why would they be choosing it to represent the entire story? So in turn, what I think of your story before ever reading anything besides the first line, is that it is going to be confusing. The first line needs to be perfect because a reader can just tell so much from that first line, as I have just illustrated from the previous points. When you edit, start here because I believe I saw the other two reviewers pointing it out briefly.
You have three characters introduced, which I'm going to assume are all main characters since they are all versions of the one who seems like the main character. Why else would the entire narrative be based around him and his clones?
I'm not exactly sure what the concept for this was because it seems more like a cheap copy of a bigger story than anything else. I know that I've seen a plot very similar to this one before but that might just be because almost all science fiction is a copy of itself at this point. I would still like to know the inspiration for this. The idea that you're going after has the possibility to be good but the execution so far just isn't cutting it for me. I have so many doubts and the story has barely had any time to begin.
The ending kind of sends the reader off in preparation for a bigger plot but really the whole thing just feels rushed to me. I think that's partially due to the length, which just threw some bigger points into a frying pan and condensed them down to a more usable form. You may want to consider fleshing the first chapter out a bit more to avoid any confusion.
Well see ya in the next review.
Ok, this seems interesting. It needs a little work, but as with most writing, it could really shine after some revisions.
I found this a bit confusing to read. You need to spend a little time setting the stage at the beginning. Like in the second paragraph. You should have told us they were on a starship at the very beginning, instead of waiting to mention it. My mind didn't know where Matt was when he spilled his drink until after the event occurred.
Speaking of setting the stage, I would recommend you spend some time introducing the characters before you start the adventure. The information you told us in the first paragraph should have been given out during the first few scenes in your story, maybe even the whole first chapter. Show us the characters, don't just tell about them.
Another thing: This chapter could (and probably should), be broken up into two or three. (Maybe more). You are moving a little too fast. Give your reader a chance to think about what they're reading before going to the next thing. Make your reader feel like they're a part of the story, not just watching from afar. (That is to say, make us feel what your characters feel). It would be cool to have a little more insight on the character's thoughts and feelings. That doesn't mean you have to directly state their thoughts, but you can if you want.
The dialogue a bit difficult to read. You need to start a new paragraph whenever someone new is speaking. Also, having two Matts adds confusion. I would suggest giving the clone a nickname so we can tell them apart.
A few minor things: Its ok to use contractions! There were a few instances where a contraction would have helped a lot with the flow. For example, "Computer you could have stopped him, you are not even a human!" reads better as "Computer you could've stopped him, you aren't even a human!"
I'd recommend reading it out loud to yourself. If you find yourself stumbling over anything, you know you need to fix it. If a sentence has the same effect without a given word, then you should probably get rid of it. What sounds better? "You aren't even a human," or "You aren't even human!"? The second one flows better because of the removal of the word "a." It was just dead weight, dragging you down.
I didn't see many problems in your plot. I didn't notice any contradictions and it's defiantly not cliche. I can't wait to find out more about this lab and the creature. The only thing I would say is that their motives are a bit weak. It's not a huge deal, but it would be better if they had something to gain from this other than just a good time. Better yet, give them something to lose. Matt doesn't seem like the type of person to go looking for trouble.
In spite of all my criticisms, I did find this enjoyable. Can't wait to see more. See you next time!
Hey, Zoom here for a review.
Let's get straight to it!
This opening paragraph is very busy. You have introduced a lot of concepts in a short space of time, it’s enough for anyone’s head to explode. Three named characters, two of which share the same name, clones, cyborgs(?), a science lab, forest . . . ?
Try not to lay all your cards on the table like this. I know you want the readers to understand everything about your story so that you can go ahead and get to the fun parts, but it’s very unexciting to simply be told this information right off the bat. People want to immerse in your story and world, not read a list of the cast.
I think you may need a language flag for taking the Lord's name in vain & "damn" . . . I’m sure there’s a rules list somewhere . . . I’ll check that for you and edit this comment. Edit: Yup, you need to flag this as 16+ for language. "Damn" is profanity.
Here you have two characters talking in the same paragraph which is always an immediate no. Start a new paragraph when a new person speaks or when introducing another character’s actions after someone else speaking or acting. This is even more necessary right at the start of a scene and not to mention with two characters sharing the same name.
This is a comma splice. You do not need a comma to break up two complete sentences that can survive on their own. Also “Matt’s phobia” is vague, phobia of what? Night?
Three adjectives? Don’t be greedy. Ditch abandoned, since we already know that. Keep rusted because that’s useful, maybe expand on that one. Broken is vague so either actually show us how it is broken or ditch that too.
This sentence has way too much “Matt” going on.
This was way too Scooby-Doo. Avoid obnoxious dialogue like this. Maybe include a stutter here and there, but honestly just use “he stuttered” as your dialogue tag and we will get it.
There has been no creature in this scene yet but this sentence starts as if there has been.
You have switched to present tense here.
Overall:
You very clearly have a busy imagination with lots of ideas and an eye for storytelling. This is good because it means you have a good foundation to build from.
The biggest issue is your formatting. If you rearrange your paragraphs and split them up when they need to be, this will be a smoother read. It’s hard to tell what is going on sometimes because it’s very fast paced and merged together.
You also didn’t describe things that we needed to know about. Like when they walked in, an automated system spoke to them, but it was very difficult to know what was happening because there was no mention of an automated system, or a surprised reaction that it was even still working. It sort of just started talking to them out of nowhere and we were just left to assume what was going on. I know that it did refer to itself as a “super computer” but that wasn’t really enough for me to understand what was happening. Another example is the lack of description for the creature. You simply mention it as “the creature” about five times but never once indicate what it looks like. If you ask everyone who reads this what kind of creature they imagined, everyone will answer differently. You don’t want that. You need to work on what information the reader does and doesn’t need. You need to learn when its okay to let the reader use their own imagination to fill in the blanks and when you don’t want them to entirely use their imagination.
You need to rename one of the Matts. I had no idea which one did what and they were both the same character to me.
Finally, I feel that the story rushes forward at the speed of light. Give us a chance to connect to the characters or engage in the storyline and setting. If we jump straight to it then the important aspects of your story like might fall flat.
Even though I’ve said a lot about what I didn’t like, I honestly see a lot of potential and I can tell you’re a writer who doesn’t have a shortage of ideas to work with. I wonder where this goes next.
-Zoom
Ok,
1. I will stop with the "language"
2. I suck at grammar and stuff anyway
3. Thanks.