(I just want to clarify, that I had only 5 minutes to write this, and had to somehow include the words "2 minutes" in there somewhere. I hope it is kinda good. It was one of the first things I wrote in my creative writing class. Hope it is good, for something thrown together in 5 min! please read, review, and star! :) )
I sighed as I was trapped in the cage. I was captured, walking home from school. The man who grabbed me was a dirty, somewhere around 30, man who reeked of cigarettes. I did not see him until it was too late. He grabbed me so fast from behind, I could not fight. Moments later I passed out from the clothe that was placed on my face.
I have only just wakened about ten minutes ago, when I find myself here, in a dark room, in a large dog crate. I was dazed and confused. I realized I was in a basement when the man turned on the light as he hobbled down the flight of stairs. He turned to me and gave me such a look of hatred, and evil. He was walking to my prison when his cell phone rang. He snatched the phone out of his pocket and answered it. He gave a smirk as the voice on the phone greeted him. "I was about to kill her John!" he said exasperated. "Give me two minutes." He hung up the phone and glared at me. I was shaking like a leaf, a single tear going down my face. "You are in my way,so you need to go." he said, as he reached in his other pocket to reveal a small pistol. He gave a evil smirk, as if he would be enjoying this, and aimed.My heart was ricing. I would die, for no reason, or reasons unknown. I left out my last breath. This was the end. BAM! Everything went dark.
(I decided that there would be a part 2! Please tell me what you think! I know the end may seem a little rushed, but that was because I was timed. Enjoy! Let me know if you are eager the to hear a part 2! Thanks for reading!)
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi! I'm going to review part 2 of your story during review day (at some point), so I figured I'd better start here!
First of all, your hook. I know this is a short story, but a stronger hook would be great. You have this great question-filled premise, but you could implement it with just one BAM! what-is-going-to-happen line at the beginning. Even just "the bars of the cage were starting to blur" or something. Make us ask questions--not just in the hook, but in your overall story. You explain too much. Make us wonder what happened. Why it happened. You have some of that, but your explanation at the beginning seemed to be a bit hurried and it erases some of the mystery. Leave us hanging and wondering!
Now, grammar stuff:
I sighed as I was trapped in a cage.
This line doesn't make sense because she was sighing as she was BEING trapped in the cage. It was a strange structure. Just make it two separate sentences.
The man who grabbed me was a dirty, somewhere around 30, man who reeked of cigarettes. I did not see him until it was too late.
How does your MC know he was about 30, a man, and dirty if she didn't see him?
Moments later I passed out from the clothe that was placed on my face.
Clothe should be cloth.
I have only just wakened about ten minutes ago, when I find myself here, in a dark room, in a large dog crate.
Tense change with the word "have". Also, the word "here" is unnecessary.
He turned to me and gave me such a look of hatred, and evil.
Such a look? What a look? It's an incomplete thought. Also, no comma needed.
"I was about to kill her John!" he said exasperated.
Make sure you have a comma before the words John and exasperated.
My heart was ricing.
Ricing should be racing.
Just some grammar mistakes here and there, but overall pretty good. It has potential. For a top to make a better horror short, focus on the unknown and what might have been. Build up your climax. Well, that's it! I'm sorry if this seemed harsh.
Thanks! There is more to the story! I have written the next part if you would like to check that out-and there is only one review, so you can get some good points
2 Minutes - Part 2
Sorry, just remembered that you said first thing you were going to check it out XD
I think it was perfect. One thing you need to do is fix ricing to racing. Also you need to sit down and add more details. Otherwise I thing it was great and can wait to read the next one.
I think it was perfect. One thing you need to do is fix ricing to racing. Also you need to sit down and add more details. Otherwise I thing it was great and can wait to read the next one.
I think it was perfect. One thing you need to do is fix ricing to racing. Also you need to sit down and add more details. Otherwise I thing it was great and can wait to read the next one.
I might just be me, but when a best friend pormises me something I expect them to keep it. Keep that in mind CHRISSY
What!????
You promised you would not REVIEW
Did Not! I did some last night, before you told me not to, and obviously you are able to review now!
Not really I am just a friends house and I am leaving now can ew just skype
I do not know, bring this to chat, late's stop spamming this! Sorry peoples!
You going to get on or what
sorry, wait a min
Well where are you
Can not skype! go to chat
Can not skype! go to chat
I would love to see a part two. Let me know when you post it!
~Nora
ok!
For writing this in only five minutes you definitely got me interested. It's very suspenseful and I'd love to keep reading more. I'd like to find ou what happens to her. I don't know if I watch too much Vampire Diaries or what but I can't accept death. She has to come back to life somehow! Or maybe as a ghost? And was she just some random girl he killed for fun or was she a specific chose and he chose her for a reason? Cause she seemed to not have known anything about this guy, he's a total stranger to her. So why'd did he pick her to kill? These are just a few of the questions that I thought of as I read your short. Even thought you didn't give any background on this girl, I want to find out more about her. Overall it was lovely and please, please write a second part!
For only five minutes?
It's...not bad.
(I am writing this review bearing in mind that you wrote this in under five minutes, so please do not think I am judging your writing capabilities from what is above. I am critiquing the piece in and of itself)
As horror shorts go, it's not perfect. I had more of a "snuff movie" or "exploitation film" vibe from it rather than horror. The circumstances of the kidnapping, the dog crate, and the subsequent execution left me a bit let down rather than horrified. There was no build-up and the ending was a bit melodramatic.
(Again you had five minutes. I don't blame you)
Sometimes what is truly horrifying is what you can't see, or the unknown. There is too much given that some parts read like a police report. Linger on the darkness. The "dazed and confused" (nice reference). The man with a smirk could be a shadow against the grill of the crate, a faint smell of tobacco causing her to gag. Footsteps. A laugh. The click of the pistol if you want to go that far. Or even farther: more twisted designs than just death.
Much can be conveyed in only a few words, hence the power of short stories.
Would the majority of writers do a better job than you in the same amount of time? Probably not. I don't think I could (sometimes its easier to be a fairer judge than a more efficient writer). So don't take this as me being self-righteous. I'm learning alongside you.
The ingredients are there ('two minutes', your own ideas), all you need to do is be creative. Keep up the great work.
Hello!
First off I just want to say that this is amazing work for five minutes.
My biggest critique would be the opening sentence "I sighed as I was trapped in the cage." It sounds as if your main character is mildly annoyed at begin captured and locked up. It also sounds like she is being forced into the cage while sighing, when I think you mean she is in the cage and she is sighing. As the story progresses, your main character sounds more panicky and less nonchalant about her situation, which is why the opening sentence seems out of place.
I hope you keep writing this thread, it sounds like it could be really good.
Nice work and good luck in your future endeavors.
Thanks!
All right. I know you said there would be a part 2, and for that I am grateful, since much went unsaid: What did the man mean, she was in his way??
Who is this guy?
What has this kid done?
Who is she??
Why is the man hobbling?
And there were a few grammatical errors: Paragraph one-"I sighed as I was left in the cage" implies that she was just placed in the cage instead of having been put there earlier.
Paragraph 1-"somewhere around 30, man"
should be "man somewhere around thirty years old." Eliminate the comma after "dirty".
Paragraph 2-"I have only just wakened" "Wakened" should be "awakened".
Paragraph 2-Eliminate the word "such" from "He gave me such a look of hatred, and evil". Also eliminate comma.
Paragraph 2-Why would he smirk and then sound exasperated?
Paragraph 2-"'You are in my way, so you need to go.' he said," The period should be a comma.
Paragraph 2-"My heart was ricing." Simple spelling mistake. Should be racing. You also forgot to leave a space before "My".
Paragraph 2-"I left out my last breath." Eliminate the "f" in "left".
You also kept switching between past-tense and present-tense. Other than those mistakes you wrote a chilling story! Happy Writing!
Thanks! I did not notice this stuff, thanks for pointing it out!
No problem!
Hello Chrissy321!!,
Just a few minor errors such as a space after a period and comma and I think to explain the man better you should say 30 year old man.
Other than these few minor errors, though, this piece sounds really good!! Great job on this and on literary spotlight!!
Keep writing!!,
~Tiffany
That's a really cool challenge, especially for a Creative Writing Class. I think I might just try it. Anyway, you did a pretty good job. I've just got a couple plot pointers (despite the length of this piece) and some nitpicking.
I know you did this in 5 minutes, but does that also mean you can't go back and reedit, or do you have to leave it how it is? I'm going to assume the former; it's posted on YWS for reviews, after all.
Assuming that, I'd say just go over and look at this and fix the grammatical and punctuation errors. Here a couple I'll just point out for you. If I write something in caps, it means I'm adding it in and it should be there (but not actually in caps when you write it).
Plot-wise? I'd suggest taking out the ending from "I let out my last breath...." and the rest after. It just sort of spoils it for the reader (or it did for me). Here is a character we barely know/connect with, and you kill he/she off and end the story. It's abrupt, and it doesn't do much for the story.
If you left it in mystery or used a cliffhanger (as you plan to write a Part 2) like, "Suddenly, the door to the prison was thrown open and a woman holding an AK-47 ran in. She smiled at the man and said, "Two minutes is too long," and opened fire.", I think it would add more suspense overall to the story and keep the readers wanting to read Part 2.
Otherwise, this was pretty good for a 5-minute piece. All in all, I think it just needs a little proofreading and some quick changes. I'm staying tuned for part 2!
Overall rating: 7/10
Keep writing!
+1
OMG! i did not see the ricing! oops! Thanks for pointing that out!
Sure-glad I could help
Well yes, I would be eager for part 2.
I think that you made quite a big grammatical error. Your whole story was in present tense. i thought like, you are still doing it now. Haha! Please fix that though, if not, you might not be able to attract people to read..................
That's basically it. i think that you have done quite good.
It's really good! I like the way you described things :^) I'm looking forward to part 2!!
It's really good! I like the way you described things :^) I'm looking forward to part 2!!
Your creativity is awesome! I see below many people have commented on some minor grammar errors that I also noticed as well, but you were probably writing this quickly since you had a time limit. Once you have time to proof read and touch up your short stories you will have nothing to worry about! I liked the action and thrill that is included. It does leave me wondering what part 2 could hold!
I really liked this fast-action paced story. I like how we are thrown in after the action and we are hearing the story from the prisoner's perspective and point of view. I know that a lot of people were picking up on your grammar errors so I will just write a comment. I am very eager and looking forward to reading the next piece. Thoughts are swimming through but the biggest one is What happened next? I would really love to read your part 2 of this delightful scary story.
P.S.In the genre you chose, I understand the mystery/suspense but humor? I always try to correct young writers genre mistakes. Make sure to remove the humor from the genre title. It will be way less confusing.
This was pretty good for the time constraint. Let's go over some technical errors to get started, shall we?
You need a comma after, "Moments later."
You switched tenses temporarily in the first sentence of the second paragraph. Also, "wakened," should be "awakened," or even "woke up," just because I think that sounds a little better. But that's a matter of opinion.
You don't need a comma after, "hatred."
You need to make dialogue a separate paragraph, and a comma after "said."
You forgot to add a space after, "way."
Typo! "A," should be "an."
You switched tenses again; it should read, "as if he would enjoy this."
Adding "be enjoying," makes it sound more present than it is.
You need a space before, "My."
Typo! "Ricing," should be "racing."
This is really redundant; I'd choose one or the other, but not both.
Whoops! Typo: "left," should be "let."
Okay, I have a real problem when people use "as," in place of "because," or as a conjunction in general. It's lazy writing, and I can tell from the rest of your piece that you're not a lazy writer. I suggest finding a stronger way to connect being trapped and sighing.
Also, would you sigh if you woke up trapped in a cage? Or would you gasp? I think "gasp," would be a bit more powerful here, but that's really an author's decision.
I'd also replace "the," with "a," since the narrator isn't the owner of the cage.
This just needs to be reworded a bit. Interjecting with the age subtracts from the description, which is not bad except that you use "man," twice and it sounds a little redundant.
Here's a suggestion:
But, again, that's really an author's decision.
Throughout the piece, you use a lot of cliches. I get that this was timed, but in the future, I'd avoid phrases like, "my heart was racing," and "I was dazed and confused," and "I was shaking like a leaf." Again, it's lazy writing, and I know you're not a lazy writer, because you wrote this great scene so quickly. Don't let yourself slip into those little traps!
I like the immediacy of the scene, the way you've crafted this vivid place. I feel like I was really there. In the future, I'd work on showing more, like describing the way the place smells or maybe a distinct piece of furniture in the room, to help your reader really focus on the way your character is feeling in the space.
Overall, this was good for the time you were given. There were a lot of technical errors that are all easy fixes, and smidges of laziness that I know you'll avoid when you write without a time constraint. That being said, I give your piece a nice 7 stars out of 10. Good job, let me know when part 2 comes out!
Thanks!
yeah, like I said to steam, the "wakened" was a typo, of autocorrect kind of thing!
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
Considering that you wrote this in five minutes, this is amazing! It’s short but concise, and tells the story in just a few words (a real talent to have) There are a few things you might like to add or improve on (I understand you wrote this quickly, so don’t take my criticisms to heart) but I’m really impressed by how well you managed to write this in the time limit.
I liked the way you mentioned the cage – it was a really attention-grabbing beginning and gave a real sense of danger (especially since you used the word “trapped” as well) However, this girl is in mortal danger. Why is she sighing?
You refer to “did not”, “could not” etc. in the narrative a couple of times. It’s OK to use contractions and might make the story read a little more smoothly. So instead of “I did not see him until it was too late” you could have “I didn’t see him until it was too late.”
Woah, you seem to have suddenly changed tenses. Since the rest of the story is written in the past tense, why change tenses here? It looks a bit inconsistent, that’s all.
Since you have a little more time on your hands, you could always show that she’s dazed and confused through her sluggish movements, her train of thought or something similar, rather than simply stating that she was dazed and confused.
You use the word “he” at the start of every sentence. Why not change some of them and link up the sentences to make it flow more, for example:
He turned to me and gave me such a look of hatred, and evil. As he was walking to my prison cell, I heard his cell phone ring. He snatched the phone out of his pocket, answered it and gave a smirk as the voice on the phone greeted him.
(That’s just a suggestion by the way, you certainly don’t have to use it!)
There are a couple of typos here and elsewhere, but you could probably fix that easily just by reading through the text more slowly and/or running a spellcheck.
I really liked the sense of mystery in this piece, and the feeling that there were many unanswered questions. Despite the beginning, the ending was a little unexpected, and it left off on a slight cliffhanger (although as I initially thought it was standalone, I assumed it ended with the character being murdered)
There is no way I’d have been able to create such a concisely written short story in such a short space of time. It’s really good, and I enjoyed reading it – if you have a part 2 I really want to read it!
Sorry, the wakened part, was like, auto correct! Did not see that! Thanks for the review!
This is really cool! I had a bunch of fun doing the WW with you. I like the amount of suspense you keep through-out the whole things and it is quite action-packed for a short passage. There are a few spelling and grammar errors, but that can be taken care of whenever you are done with the whole thing. Keep it up and for sure let me know when you are done with the next part!
Ok! Thanks! P.S. PotterHead too!
HOLY COW! There is no way you created this in five minutes. Though I would love to know how she got into this situation you were great in putting so much details and imagery in a small amount of time and words. You told a story from start to finish that never let the reader go.
Though as I stated you leave some holes that the reader is dying to know(no pun intended)
For example, Who is the man? on both ends.
Why her? why is she in the way?
What lead her to the cage?
Other than that amazing job
Thanks! That is why I felt a part 2 would be wanted, lol
Yes part 2 would make everyone do the can-can because there so happy * starts can-caning*
Lol, Glad to hear! *Join can-can* *Throw Confetti*
An the parade begins! can-caners at the ready lol
XD