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140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey,,,, As usual I congratulate people for their work so here it goes.
First Of all hats off to your amazing performance .. Although i felt the punctuation and grammar needed improvement
I felt this line to be awkward "
Oh mama,
that is what I lack.
This line also seemed a bit unusual .. I could not keep up with the poem
"they make sure I keep in line with their guns and knives."
What do you mean by this sentence?
This line seemed not at all fit
"Their fear of me is unknown"
Maybe you could try reading your poem once again and correct your mistakes.
Also you did not capitalize where necessary.
Hi BrokenSkye! Here to review your lyrics this review day
What I liked the most about this is the imagery you've created. Raps nowadays are usually full of utter rubbish, nothing that clever and you've definitely challenged this. It's also quite a relatable topic for quite a few people, which is great with songs!
Now, the main concern with this is the cliche's you used, I'm sorry to say D:. I think the message you've got here has been used, and that's all well and good if you make it your own but I don't feel that you've done that here. Especially with some certain lines, for example:
Comparing life to being locked up in a cage is something that's already been written. You're a unique artist, you don't wanna be using things that have already been said. I'm sure you can come up with something even better of your own to explain these feelings.
Similarly:
I've also heard this many times too, life being played out on cards. Although this is very true, you should try and come up with something else of your own- maybe something even more personal to make it your own.
Lastly, if this is going to be a rap, I'm slightly concerned about the pacing. I hate to say this, and I know some people will disagree with me, but rhyming is good! I don't really hear raps that don't rhyme really. Now I'm not saying use something boring like the AABB or ABAB rhyme structure, you can make it different, but just try and use something that will be easy to read aloud. Try even reading it aloud/rapping it yourself, and see what you can come up with.
I hope this review helped. PM me with questions or if you'd like something else to be reviewed!
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
Hi, interesting poem/song/rap. I think it deffinently has the potential to be a cool rap. I really like the lines "I have no choice, no freedom, no rights" I sometimes have those feelings when I think about age-descrimination!
I also like the line: "Their fear of me is unknown". My only suggestion/ critique is about "I feel like a turtle stuck on it's back" it's good imagery but I think bringing up turtles and puppies is like talking about flowers and rainbows, it just kind of removes the reader from the trapped 'brought down by the man' feeling and gives them a 'woodland animal babies' sort of feeling. If you do want to keep the line though, you don't need an apostraphe on "its" because it's just possesive and not being used as a contraction of the words 'it' and 'is'. 
Thanks for posting!
~alli-y~
Hai thar.
I read this piece, and tried to sing it, and came to the conclusion that it is probably heavy metal because there is no melody that I can attach to this. Your metaphors are very strange, chaotic almost. As far as I can discern, it is just a kid complaining about being weak. Not a very inspiring piece. The metaphors, again, weren't too good. "A dog about to be euthanized" does not paint a poetic image.
However, your message is sent. You seem to be trying to get the reader to relate to hopelessness. This I can relate to, since I have an arguably bleak outlook on life.
I'd give this one a 6 out of 10, just for the metaphors and wording, which I didn't like. I don't really care at all about any grammar or spelling errors you may or may not have made, since that's not what I review on.
It was a rap that came out of no where, I am sorry that you didn't like it.