Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
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141,418 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Hey Skye,
Nargles to review for you today!
I rather liked this poem, it is very dark and sad. You lay out your thoughts very clearly and the theme is obvious. This is good but for a poem like this, one which offers the perfect ability to show emotion and for you to bring something unique to it I wanted more.
Hannah was spot on about needing more, you have the foundation now you need to build the house, so to speak.
The things I did like about this was the effort, you obviously really wanted to show the reader the pain the persona has gone through. You just need to build on it.
I also like the narrative, you tell the reader about what the persona experienced before and leading up to the cutting and why they did it. You do very naturally so good job!
My favourite part was
"You chose your weapon,
as I chose mine.
Your's is mental suffering,
while mine is suicide."
I adored these lines, they capture the poem so beautifully and sum it up in a great way. I also love the way you use simple words to convey so much meaning.
Overall you have done a good job and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Keep writing.
Nargles xxxx
Okay! I don't want to start out with anything negative, because I honestly appreciate the effort and time you took into weaving your thoughts into a poem, so I will start with my favorite lines:
This is a clear and striking image, which also plays on the idea of surprise and contrast. For this reason, it's a shining light in this poem. The big problem is that I've read about five of this same poem tonight. Sure, not the same words. This isn't plagiarism. But it's the exact same message with the same kind of diction, and nothing to make it original.
You have your message. Your thoughts. Your philosophy. Now you have to play with them.
To make a poem original, you need specifics. These specifics might be in a plot. You might bring in a particular story with real, solid scenes. To build real, solid scenes, you need imagery. You need shocks of color or physical, tangible things that can help us to understand the tone and message of your poem in a more visceral manner. Bringing in metaphors and similes can also be extremely helpful, because they help to explain this emotion to someone who's not experienced it recently by comparing it to something else they might understand more readily.
You can do it!
If you have any questions or comments about this review, feel free to PM me.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hello there...just wanna pass out some compliments.
Now, the first amazing thing about this piece is the fact that you are able to channel the emotional force behind what must have been a very dark time in your persona's life and put it into simple words that all readers will be able to comprehend. From the very onset of the poem we get excellent emotional shots, and they continue throughout the entire poem. It was like some rich, emotion-driven tour de force.
You have a very nice way of spinning cool phrases and playing around with them. For example, lines like "I hate that you are gone, / that I wasn't what you needed, / and that I knew this all along", "I just wanted to find your love, and I wanted it to be me" ring with a vibrant elegance that just makes your poem much more than just a simple narrative.
Not only are you able to make the readers feel what it's like to yearn in love, you are also able to make them feel the pain that the persona experiences. "Your words are like razors, / both make me bleed" is your trump card in this department. Not only does it juxtapose the two instances of pain but it also introduces the main focus of the rest of the poem at this point - the cutting. The darkness swirls into the poem so smoothly that I'm almost surprised at the turn of events in the poem.
I think this is a brilliant poem from one as young as you are. Good luck to you, and keep writing.
Also, I hope to god this poem isn't biographical. If it is, I hope you're much better now
This poem is amazing ! It is so full of emotion and I feel like i can really feel what you are feeling ! You have a very natural flow of words and I think that it is what made the poem really pop out in my head
Your title really makes the whole poem come to life !
Very good job !!!
This is poem is soo sad, but touching.
But i love the way u described your sadness.
I feel like crying.
The title also is good.
It could have rhymed atleast that's what i would have done but this is just a suggestion.
It has flow which i like
Keep up the good work and write more.
This piece was full of emotions ! I could relate to the frustration and to The pain experienced . You crafted down your feelings in a smooth way
I especially loved the ending ! Was charged up
With emotions .How unfortunate is the one who caused all this ! Still be strong and let time heal your wounds . And the "Blade" should be used to cut the false bond and not your skin
Well enjoyed
Thanks