z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Grave Stone

by BrokenSkye


Snowflakes fall from the sky,
littering the ground with white.
The birds have begun to sing,
and the moon is still high.
Which makes me fidgit and wonder,
why has she come tonight?

She walks so gracefully,
leaving perfect footprints behind,
her bright red rain coat
is like a splash of warmth
against the cold of the night.

I watch her walk so quietly,
her beauty is overwhelming.
She stops at a grave stone,
one with the name "Unknown",
and drops to her knees.

Her saddened cries startle me,
as they pierce through the darkness.
Why has she become so sad?
I can't begin to understand,
does she know the buried woman?

Everything falls into a deep silence,
as she gently kisses the epitaph,
and proceeds to gaze at the stars above us,
as they twinkle on a sheet of black,
just as her eyes twinkle so deeply.

I look up at the same sky,
and for a moment everything is calm,
then I look back towards the grave,
except now the girl has disappeared,
where has she gone?

The snow still covers the ground,
but her prints have gone with her.
And to my great surprise,
the head stone now reads:
"Elizabeth Ann; The loving daughter"

Curiousity builds in my mind,
as I slip my hands into my pockets,
and the street lights click off,
the birds begin to sing their songs,
and the sun is rising now.

Watching the grave stone something catches my eye,
it is the beautiful girl in her red rain coat,
and she is walking into the sun rise,
until her image vaporizises into the air,
as if she was never truly here whispering goodbyes.

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304 Reviews

Points: 22897
Reviews: 304

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Thu May 30, 2013 7:27 am
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there! barefootrunner here to review your poem!

Let's get straight to the spelling, grammar and punctuation:

litering the ground with white.
littering.
and proceeds to lay on the grave
lie, not lay.
as she gently kisses the scripture,
A scripture is a piece of religious writing. Now what would be really beautiful, would be 'epitaph', the special word for the writing on a gravestone. And by the way, gravestone and headstone are both one word!

As for punctuation, you used a lot of commas (that is your own choice, but for me they interrupt the flow of the poem). Try perhaps wiping a few out or replacing them with other punctuation marks to keep a more conversational, narrative tone going.
her bright red rain coat,
is like a splash of warmth,
against the cold of the night.

You can remove every single comma in this quote!

Word choice:
Very good, but there is room for improvement in some places.
except the girl is now gone,
where has she gone?
You should firstly have used a full stop, not a comma, and secondly, the repetition of gone can be avoided by saying something like...
except the girl has vanished—
where did she go?

The birds have not sang,
I think it would be prettier and flow better if you used...
The birds have not started singing
leaving footprints behind,
Firstly, full stop, not a comma. Also, use some stronger word here, like perhaps...
leaving melted footprints behind.

Good job! A really mellow, soft poem with beautiful visuals and a story to tell.

Keep writing!
barefootrunner




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12 Reviews

Points: 1148
Reviews: 12

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Wed May 29, 2013 10:56 pm
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KandiNekol01d wrote a review...



Hullo! This is my first review, so I'm not that great at reviewing yet, but I hope it helps!
What I liked most was the consistent imagery - it really painted the scenes in my mind. I also liked how the point of view was used to create some mystery around what's happening. I think the only thing there is to correct is the usage of commas: in my opinion, sometimes it wasn't quite necessary to add it. For example:
"She walks so gracefully,
leaving footprints behind,
her bright red rain coat,
is like a splash of warmth,
against the cold of the night."
It might be better to replace the comma after "before" with a period, then capitalize "her" and remove the commas after "coat" and "warmth" to keep the flow of the poem smooth.
And with this...
"She stops at a grave stone,
one with the name "Unknown",
she drops to her knees."
I think it could be made better by removing the comma after "'Unknown'" and replace "she" with "and."
I don't want to review anything else because this really is a great poem overall. ^_^ I was actually in the making of a poem about a person's death when I stumbled across this, so I'll be sure to keep mine original!




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Points: 1676
Reviews: 4

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Wed May 29, 2013 10:53 pm
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Frances wrote a review...



I'll just post a list of things for this one. There's so many little comments I'm sure they'll add up to a thorough review.

Elizabeth Ann is a lovely name; very poetic.
Who is the speaker in the poem? Give some hints about him. At present, he isn't mysterious, merely absent.
Quite lovely imagery. Love the red coat on the white background.
Perhaps add other senses. Touch or smell, even hearing.
Why is the narrator there? He wonders about Elizabeth, I am wondering about him.
"Except the girl is now gone,/where has she gone?" Try not to repeat words like that, unless the repetition is deliberate.
For this particular poem, I think the formatting was a mistake. I believe it chops up the flow of words.
"her bright red rain coat,/is like a splash of warmth,/against the cold of the night." Beautiful. With a little tweaking, you could have quite a nice rhythm going there. I love a little rhythm or meter in my poetry.





Tell me, what is it you plan to do / with your one wild and precious life?
— Mary Oliver